u/DistributionThink930

I can't stop ruminating; I keep ruminating about bad things that have happened to me, witnessed, things I've said or did in the past(like stupid arguments and anger), years and years ago or recently(within years). I'm M30 and I want to this to stop. I keep overthinking everything and castastrophizing the future. Even when I bring things up to people that have happened, they're like "It's water under the bridge", or "nobody sees you as a bad person, sees you that way, or cares." These ruminations occur whenever I'm in the place they happened. Examples: My hometown, being around my family, encountering old friends, or places I've been to. Any recommendations to treat this?

I also have Pure OCD. I tried to reach out to a therapist, but therapists want a minimum of $600 for two sessions a week; I can't afford this. I also keep second-guessing myself and it's driving me nuts. Headaches, arguing with my self. Telling these thoughts to shut up. I used to manage better, but I've been isolated for awhile and its getting worse. I don't want to become Howard Hughs(The Aviator).

I can't talk to anybody about this. In modern day, people use the term OCD all wrong. They think everybody has it because they enjoy symmetry or an organized house, cleaning, etc. This pisses me off so much; they're ignorant to what these mental problems are. This keeps me from ever talking about it, so I just keep to myself.

My symptoms:

Rumination, Counting constantly and putting meaning to numbers and letters(whether they bad or good), excessive hand washing, questioning my morals, an urge to buy something new because the thing got dirty, slightly damaged, doing rituals or else something horrible will happen, needing things to be perfect, including myself, doing tasks or things more than once til it feels right. I also mumble phrases or names; if somebody saw me doing this it would appear that I was talking to myself (which is part of Aspergers).

I feel like my former self is gone, and that I'm an empty person, due to current events and excessive phone/Internet use.

When I was a kid and teen my parents forced me to believe in Catholicism, or I'd be punished(grounded from hobbies, driving, friends,etc.) and screamed at. I was also called retarded multiple times, referred to as stupid, or talked condescendingly to. I suffered from anxiety attacks and was told that demons were the cause of this. Not being allowed to play certain video games because the title of the game was considered blasphemous;Halo. Told that my dead relatives are constantly watching over me, then being gaslighted whenever I say that that's not real or happening. There's a lot more, but I'l end it here.

I feel like society doesn't value creative work anymore. What's become popular is political arguing, doomerism, waiting for aliens, people thinking armageddon is happening, excessive phone use, etc. I've noticed that cinemas aren't a staple in today's society(Martin Scorsese said Films are a dead medium-Quentin Tarantino fled to Is Real). Also, people don't care much for literature, and if they are reading literature it's slop; TikTok-BookTok stuff. I get contemporary books as gifts and they're just so boring; did a person write this?

I remember when people would get psyched about a film they just watched at a theater and passing the news to friends and schoolmates. I also remember people getting excited for the new release for Harry Potter; there were parties for this-a book series. Alternatively, video game releases also got people stoked; major releases where you'd camp-out with friends and, again, pass the news around. Now it's just re-release, or re-release of a re-release-download to your console or PC.

Lastly, A.I. horseshit. A relative of mine told me about an audio book his wife and him discovered. When the voice started to read, the book made no sense. Like the story was written by a program and the author wasn't real. Apparently, there's a plethora of this. Even in print form.

Is it worth persuing to do something creative anymore?