u/Doctorsaurus69

I've recently realized I have a communication habit that I really want to work on, particularly in romantic relationships.

I sometimes narrate my internal thought process in real time and then look to the other person/interactions with them for regulation. For example, if someone gives me a short response, I might immediately wonder if something is wrong, ask another question, reconsider what I just said, explain why I said it, clarify what I meant, or check their reaction.

Basically, instead of letting a conversation naturally breathe, I sometimes feel compelled to keep checking or “repairing” it, even when there may be absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm realizing things like (\*\*\*and these are more so reminders for myself, which... I plan to reread as a constant reminder):

\--“Okay” can just mean okay.

\--A heart reaction can be enough of a response.

\--Not every text (social media links, random things like that) needs to turn into a conversation.

\--If someone is tired or quiet, I don't need to create connection before letting the conversation end.

\--Silence doesn't automatically mean something has changed between us.

\--I don't need to explain every thought or feeling the moment I have it.

The frustrating part is that I can actually feel myself doing this, and sometimes I'm annoyed by my own communication while I'm doing it. I imagine it can probably feel like a lot for the other person too. In fact, I know it is. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, and I'm still doing these things, constantly.

I don't want advice about playing hard to get, intentionally texting less, or pretending not to care. I'm looking for ways to become more comfortable with normal conversational uncertainty and learn to regulate the discomfort internally instead of immediately bringing it into the interaction.

Has anyone successfully worked on this? What actually helped you change the habit?

I'd especially love recommendations for podcasts, books, exercises, therapy concepts/modalities, or even specific terms I could research that address this particular pattern. Thank you 😌

I never felt seen/heard by my parents and suffered a lot of abuse/trauma growing up. My healing journey started with me finding opportunities to chat with/confide in strangers online.

It started with an online chatroom I found, something straight forward like "freedepressionchatroom.com" or something. We're talking... 2000, 2001 at best. I was 13 years old.

I'd talk to people in that chatroom, often the same people, frequently. I would login as soon as I got home from school. I finally felt like people were listening to me and that it mattered what I was going through. It became necessary for me to find ways to articulate all of my experiences at that time.

Four years later, Facebook becomes a thing. Senior year of high school/freshman year of college. I'd constantly be posting in different trauma/depression support groups.

I'm now 40 years old. I feel like I can't stop narrating what I'm emotionally going through and how I'm still struggling to overcome these deep, deep traumas I experienced in my younger years. Desperately feeling like I need to articulate to everyone how it affects me to this day. I try to understand why I do this and how to stop feeling like I need other people to understand exactly what is happening inside of me.

And I'm realizing this isn't just about being open or liking to talk about my feelings. It feels almost compulsive sometimes. Something happens, I have an emotional reaction, and I immediately want to articulate it to someone. Then I might explain why I'm feeling it, where I think it comes from, what I'm worried it means, what I meant when I said something, how I think the other person interpreted me, etc. I can end up narrating my emotional experience in real time instead of just... experiencing it.

And I'm starting to wonder if this is something I learned very young because being heard by other people was how I learned to process what was happening to me. When nobody at home was helping me make sense of my emotions or experiences, strangers on the internet did. Having someone witness what I was going through made it feel real and valid.

But I don't want to need that anymore.

I don't want to become emotionally closed off or stop talking about what I feel. I just want to learn how to have an emotion without immediately needing to explain it. I want to be able to sit with something, understand it myself, and let it exist without needing another person to fully understand it too.

I especially notice this in close relationships. If I'm anxious or hurt, I can feel this overwhelming need to explain everything happening internally. Then I worry about how what I said was received, which creates another emotional reaction that I want to explain, and suddenly I'm stuck in this exhausting loop.

I think what I'm trying to learn is how to feel like my own witnessing of my experience is enough.

Has anyone else who grew up with trauma/emotional neglect experienced this?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who recognized this pattern in themselves and actually got better at it. What helped you learn to process emotions internally without suppressing them? How did you learn to tolerate the feeling of not explaining yourself?

I'd also really appreciate recommendations for books, podcasts, specific therapy approaches, exercises, or anything else that helped. I don't want to stop being an emotionally expressive person. I just don't want expressing everything to feel like something I have to do in order to feel okay.

Sorry for writing novels. I'm kind of doing EXACTLY what I just said I don't want to do anymore... But, alas. Post

I've recently realized I have a communication habit that I really want to work on, particularly in romantic relationships.

I sometimes narrate my internal thought process in real time and then look to the other person/interactions with them for regulation. For example, if someone gives me a short response, I might immediately wonder if something is wrong, ask another question, reconsider what I just said, explain why I said it, clarify what I meant, or check their reaction.

Basically, instead of letting a conversation naturally breathe, I sometimes feel compelled to keep checking or “repairing” it, even when there may be absolutely nothing wrong.

I'm realizing things like (***and these are more so reminders for myself, which... I plan to reread as a constant reminder):

--“Okay” can just mean okay.

--A heart reaction can be enough of a response.

--Not every text (social media links, random things like that) needs to turn into a conversation.

--If someone is tired or quiet, I don't need to create connection before letting the conversation end.

--Silence doesn't automatically mean something has changed between us.

--I don't need to explain every thought or feeling the moment I have it.

The frustrating part is that I can actually feel myself doing this, and sometimes I'm annoyed by my own communication while I'm doing it. I imagine it can probably feel like a lot for the other person too. In fact, I know it is. I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months now, and I'm still doing these things, constantly.

I don't want advice about playing hard to get, intentionally texting less, or pretending not to care. I'm looking for ways to become more comfortable with normal conversational uncertainty and learn to regulate the discomfort internally instead of immediately bringing it into the interaction.

Has anyone successfully worked on this? What actually helped you change the habit?

I'd especially love recommendations for podcasts, books, exercises, therapy concepts/modalities, or even specific terms I could research that address this particular pattern. Thank you 😌