u/Double-Bullfrog-8981 — reddlx

hey guys, tw this is gonna contain unfiltered stuff. i just really need to get this off my chest. please don’t read if you can’t handle it, and im not saying this promote it at all. i’ve never really shared any of what i’m about to share, but i had a horrible day and i need to share. i’m a 21 year old woman and i’ve struggled with eating disorders my whole life, particularly the restrictive kind such as ana. everyone in my life has noticed rapid weight loss, and has shown concern, which feeds my behaviour more. today i don’t even know what happened but i just BINGED constantly the entire day. whatever you’re thinking it’s worse. i’ve never done this, it was so out of character and honestly scary like i was watching through my eyes but not actually in control of my body. i feel so sick and disgusting. i took 30mg of bisacodyl without even thinking, which isn’t something i’ve really done before. i constantly think about food, literally 24/7. im constantly counting calories and steps, it controls my life. the worst part is is that i do want to be thin. it is so vain and sick but gaining weight is an intense fear. i don’t want my life to be controlled by food noise and constant lightheadedness and irritability, but i don’t want to look differently. i don’t know how to change my mindset, and i don’t know if i even want to. but i feel so disgusting and shameful right now, and all i can think about is the scale going up. i don’t want this to turn into a binge restrict cycle, but i haven’t been able to have any sort of normal relationship with food since i was a little girl. i genuinely wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy, it controls every aspect of my life :/