u/DreamingLeviathanSys

Sorry if the title is triggering, I'm aware it could be, but this is only in regards to ourselves and not any other system.

So, we thought we had DID for a long time and some other mental health issues like autism that we were diagnosed with. We been struggling with depression for a very long time (7+ years) from C-PTSD too. Over time we have recognized experiences in our system that align more with endo experiences than dissociative ones and attribute our dissociation to other stuff (not system stuff), and recently been researching a lot about gateways and realizing we have a lot of "come and go" members that are from different media, and ideas in our head that seemingly come out of nowhere related to sysmates that show up randomly. However, we have an intelligent member who always seems to know the truth of our system and told one of our "walk ins" recently that he is just a brain-made adaption, that our brain is fixated on the source media so he is just a copy that is made to feel like it's real in order to provide comfort for the other sysmembers. That he also didn't disagree and basically said he couldn't remember any life before being in our system, which even makes me kind of feel the classic faker/denial thing. Which we're long over, but sometimes you just feel like your brain is exaggerating stuff to make it seem a certain way when it isn't... which is kind of what I'm getting at with this post. I can also sort of pinpoint a time in our childhood at age 3 through 5 where we may have developed DID, rather than just being born plural. But I don't want to believe it. We're very spiritual so we don't want to believe we are "just" a result of our trauma and feel sad that we have no connection to other worlds. I WANT to be gateway because it feels right, it feels like it makes sense, even when there is like science behind why things work, we don't know everything? But it could also just be a delusion, my brain trying to escape from reality by convincing itself there's other realities that it has a special connection to. I don't know how to tell the difference between that and a genuine gateway system, especially since this member that said those things seems to ALWAYS be correct about what they say even to a point it's like premonition sometimes.

(no sign off because I like to stay anon)

This is something I've been struggling with for a long time and am not sure if it's from the schizoid PD or something else like PTSD and/or DPDR (which I also have). I have done a lot of reading on qualia and phenomenal consciousness and feel like I have a majorly reduced sense of it and that seems like others similar to me could relate to it, not "feeling" anything, it's greater than emotional numbness because nothing has personal value to you. Like you don't really experience anything as separate despite logically knowing they are from sensory cues. I do not "experience red" as different from "the experience of green" as they make me feel exactly the same and almost appear the same to me even though I can see they are "different colors". As I saw one article describe it as "different internal states" so a camera, for example, is seeing different visual things because light reflects differently on the lens but is only recognizing one internal state therefore it is not conscious like we are or something like that. I feel like that camera a lot but maybe my states are still so subtle I just can't feel any difference. It's really debilitating though. Wouldn't wish on your worst enemy type of thing. Even convinced myself I was a p-zombie for awhile but since science is so unsure about them I just don't really think about it anymore because probably I'm not but I'm something close to it. I know I used to have feeling but they degraded over time the more I internally split and dissociated which is why I think they're related to schizoid dissociation but it's at a point I can't really function now.

Long story short I/we (plural sys) have a new strong romantic F/O from a whole different source and it's taking over the brain to the point the old F/O is feeling like they're fading away or not really an interest anymore and I just feel immense shame/guilt for it becuz we spent so much time with them (like 8 years) and got married and everything. So I'm trying to integrate them both in a polyromantic way but I'm just in the honeymoon phase of the new one I guess, leaving the old one behind but they don't give me the same comfort as the new one anymore, and sometimes I feel like the old one is sad or left out (we likely soulbonded). What would you do in a situation like this??? :(
I know someone who this sorta happened to and they kinda accepted it I guess? (unironically they had the same F/O too that we both fell out for a new character and they have similar themes) I don't feel like I can accept it tho since it's just... an integral part of my life to have these characters around and also a lot of money spent on them for merch/art/etc. so now I gotta replace all that with new merch and I just... yeah I have some really complex feelings about it. And idk what it's like for people who have 5+ F/Os or changing them all the time cause I was SUPER committed and it gen hurts like, maybe a breakup or something except we're still married. Idkkkk.

I've seen others complain of this on other sites and recently told I am using AI, just because I was saying in another post I support some use of AI so now these people want to pick apart my every sentence and point out "who talks like that" when I am genuinely just talking how I'm used to. Is this common for people with possibly abnormal typing styles or ways of thinking?