u/Dull-Tip7699

I am glad I finally have my ADHD & Autism diagnosis and finally understand myself better and even find out things I didn't even know were not typical.

But I am at a point where all my feelings are treated like a problem (just like before my diagnosis) and it`s tiring.

Yes I sleep horrible the last couple of months because I got fired from my first real job I worked so hard to keep even though I got bullied by my supervisor and it slowly brought me into my second burnout while I haven't even fully recovered from my first burnout 3 years ago.

But also because I broke contact with my abusive mother in January, my grandfather (who is like a father to me) was in the hospital in February when I just started my first real job, my father almost got blind in march, I live in this shitty apartment where I got raped in last year and someone or something constantly makes noise and I am noise sensitive and try to get a new apartment for months but I am tired and can`t get an apartment without a job and I thought with that job I finally get out of poverty and can get on my first vacation.

Thats why I am tired. Yes I lost my job almost 2 months ago and it still upsets me. But also because I can`t recover.

I have no rejection sensitivity. But I have no safety net. Not even someone who physically holds me. (and I am touch starved). So I can`t make bog mistakes.

I am sick that My AuDHD is treated like a problem.

I don`t want another 20th life hack. What I need is money and not discipline nor some podcast.

Since my diagnosis ADHD & Autism is my special interest and I have been to every therapy, support whatever is out there and at some point it`s not me. At some point it`s the system.

There isn't really any kind of institution for ADHD adults and specifically not for ADHD women that really helps or supports ADHD women.

The only once I could find, try to tell us how to better adapt/mask. Or not mask but that makes us more likely jobless, homeless and friendless.

So I want to study and actually work in a field to help ND women.

To work more efficiently towards that goal.

Tell me what would actually help you to live a better life?

So I grew up with an abusive mother. She has abused me in every way you can abuse someone.

But recently I unlocked a childhood memory and I want to know if there are other women & girls who experienced that.

During my pre-adolescent years my mother masturbated in front of me.

I grew up with a single mother and we never locked the doors even when showering.

She was always a very nude friendly person if I may so even though I always preferred to cover up.

When she was showering and I needed to wash my hands I walked into the bathroom to do so and she was sitting on the shower floor (we had those semi see through shower glass walls) and pointing the shower head to her private parts and just looked at me with an expressionless face. At that time I didn't understand what she was doing. I just thought it was an odd how she could possibly clean herself while sitting on the floor.

Only years later I found out that some women masturbate with the shower head.

I know what she did is wrong but because I don`t know it any other way, I don`t know how fucked that probably is.

Has anyone experienced similar and is it just weird or really fucked up?

I saw a post on substack + my life long and recent experiences that brought me to rent here on reddit about it.

So whenever I go or went through something, I was told to let it go, get over it or that I am exaggerating.

And it hurts so much that my lived experienced and knowledge is dismissed, especially when I make myself vulnerable enough to tell people about I hold close.

For example: in the last years I have this strong desire to have a boyfriend. I am not looking for a soulmate or a life long partner. But someone I can share at least a couple of years with and get to know myself in a way I can only in a relationship. The problem is, when I share this desire to people I am always told that I am to focused on it or that a relationship isn't everything and that it`s better to have a relationship when I am older. But I do not want a perfect relationship and I do not want to wait until I`m 30+. I am almost in my mid 20s and never had a boyfriend or even a real crush and want to experience young, unperfect romance that I will not have with a 30+ year old. I don`t want to be the only one in the relationship who experiences something for the first time and I don't want to be the only one who is nervous about it.

And I do have a life, I do have friends, I do have goals, I do love myself etc.

My other fear regarding this topic is, that men are the biggest threat to my life especially when I choose to let them into my life. This is not an opinion. This is facts! And people always tell me I am exaggerating when I talk about the danger called men. On top of that I have been SA multiple times by men most of them I met in dating environmen. So my fear is absolutely justified.

And people still choose to just say I am over exaggerating. Like what? How?

The second example: Almost 2 months ago I lost my first job and I just got it by luck because I am in a very competitive industry so I was really nervous. But I got fired. And before I got fired I got bullied by my supervisor who was very unprofessional. Now I am burned out and honestly still hurt and processing what happened.

I told a friend that it still hurts me that I got fired. And she said I should get over it. And I dont understand why? Why does no one let me heal in peace?

By the way, it's not like I am not doing something but my living situation is currently awful which makes resting, moving on and healing very hard.

I`m hurt that no one seems to let me feel my feelings. Those are just two examples but my whole life my feelings have been dismissed. And I don`t understand why.

People are in their 30+ and still suffering from their parents divorce in 5th grade and no one seems to bet an eye. (yes I could be wrong on this idk but you get what I mean)

But can someone explain that phenomenon to me?

I would never tell someone to get over something because everything that happens to us shapes us, even if we are not consciously aware of it.

So I just realized that I got bullied by my supervisor at my last job.

And idk what to do anymore. Since the beginning of dawn I`ve been actively bullied or outcasted.

It`s in fact so bad that I don't even know when I am being outcasted cause thats all I know.

I`ve tried everything. Being myself, being not myself. The result is always the same.

I am still confident (even though lately I`ve lost a lot of it.) But I still want to be socially accepted by at least some people.

I don`t even know what makes me such a good target for gossip since I am perceived as confident. Maybe it`s because people always get to a point where they think there is something "off" with me.

I try to always see the other persons point of view but I never receive the same kind of treatment.

It makes me wonder if I am really such an awful person to be around or if I am just in the wrong country. (I live in a conservative country and being different is rather frowned upon.)

From a more selfish kind of view I would say, people just feel triggered by something about me that makes them feel unconsciously...caught? So they try to protect themselves from me. This sounds like a rather ridiculous reason but the most reasonable for me.

To add I am also a young woman who speaks more monotone and I am not very expressive and I can communicate well. I know I wouldn`t face so much backlash if I was a man or an older woman. So therefore I am always viewed as rude, opinionated, lazy. Also I think people think I do things on purpose all the time.

But I am just disabled and sometimes just don`t know things or when I do something wrong. But I am always open for feedback.

Since I always adapt or try to be reasonable and others are able to be more themselves and I`ve been my whole life in a constant state of discomfort.