u/East-Marzipan-2800

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Started reading books for 3 years, thinking its going to make me super wise and charismatic and it is going to solve all the problems I encountered in my life.

I felt like I was on some anime main character on revenge arc and sasuke mode and I found evidence to build this narrative just so I had the drive and reason to continue on self improvement. I even started gyming few weeks ago so that I can continue on this narrative.

But nothing changed, I was constantly all over my head and unfocused in my career. Told myself to take criticisms well without judegement and yet I still self victimising thinking like I am a misunderstood main character because my expectations of self improvement were unmet. (Oh god, the main character syndrome in me). Rather than focus on things that others had feedback on me to work on, I choose to work on things that I felt like and made me feel cool.

I have been using self improvement to behave like a mc on some linear progression, so I can feel like someone who is on a great mission to turn his life around just to delude myself into thinking I had a grandeur purpose. But I was covering myself from the real fact - I had no actual drive

To conclude, I didn't change much from the person I was, the person had no goals, thought I knew everything and have to have everything figured out, no partner and shit. God, being a victim actually made me feel like I had a purpose.

Started reading books for 3 years, thinking its going to make me super wise and charismatic and it is going to solve all the problems I encountered in my life.

I felt like I was on some anime main character on revenge arc and sasuke mode and I found evidence to build this narrative just so I had the drive and reason to continue on self improvement. I even started gyming few weeks ago so that I can continue on this narrative.

But nothing changed, I was constantly all over my head and unfocused in my career. Told myself to take criticisms well without judgement and yet I still self victimise thinking like I am a misunderstood main character because my expectations of self improvement were unmet. (Oh god, the main character syndrome in me). Rather than focus on things that others had feedback on me to work on, I choose to work on things that I felt like and made me feel cool.

I have been using self improvement to behave like a mc on some linear progression, but I didn't change much from the person whom I was who had no goals, thought I knew everything and have to have everything figured out, no partner.

I had eyes on a girl for a while and that made me feel excited to wake up every morning and the next day, but due to certain reasons I had to let go.

I started thinking that if I successfully had a partner right now, will I wake up every morning feeling excited?

For past few years, I have been chasing for validation.

Been gyming, reading books and recently reconnected with my old friends. Yet often times, I still find myself feeling lost, frustrated, bored.

I have come to realise that after 26 years of living, I don't have much of a purpose, I even started inventing problems, creating narrative of why I should stick to self improvement by victimising myself (so lmao I can feel like I am on a revenge arc) but I was trying to run away from not having a genuine purpose. I got a new job, and my performance sucks after a month.

What should I do as a start?

Been gyming, reading books and recently reconnected with my old friends. Yet often times, I still find myself feeling lost, frustrated, bored.

I have come to realise that after 26 years of living, I don't have much of a purpose, I even started inventing problems, creating narrative of why I should stick to self improvement by victimising myself (so lmao I can feel like I am on a revenge arc) but I was trying to run away from not having a genuine purpose. I got a new job, and my performance sucks after a month.

What should I do as a start?

Feels weird, ive been focusing on myself and repressing any urges for external validation

Today I decided to give in the loneliness and started accepting that I need constant external validation and attention from others even if I need to beg for it, I suddenly felt a lot lighter with myself and at ease

Anyone have this feeling before?