u/East_Telephone5507

Today is 40 days since the death of my beloved, I'm so scared, what should I do? I'll go to the temple now and bring offerings and then visit her. What did you do on this day to make her soul at peace?Sorry, I'm only 22 and I used to be an atheist and... I've read about religion and the soul, I just want to hear information from you too..My mother said that her soul will leave the earth forever and she will go to another space, but if she wants, she will watch over me like a guardian, because we had a special connection. I'm scared and I want to cry, I don't want to see her grave again. I miss her so much

Sometimes I wonder how my mom will feel after I follow my dead lover? Like..will she be calm for me? That I'm with the person i loved so much that i couldn't live in the world without them? Stupid question, because loss through suicide is very devastating. Just..Are there people here whose friends have left because of the death of their loved ones? Do you believe that they are at peace with them?..Excuse me..such stupid questions, I've just been thinking about it a lot lately. I think my friends would understand me, because I'm slowly turning from a person to dust.

Are there people here who have tried to kill themselves after the sudden loss of a loved one? What stopped you from trying again and moving on with your life? Sorry, I'm so confused

Which of you scrolls through ALL the actions of a person that could lead to death and that you should have monitored it? My girlfriend started taking pills a month before hospitalization (against insulin resistance), she had already taken them in her teens and they helped her. However, her food... remained unchanged... And she said in the hospital that perhaps they affected her pancreas. I did not support this, im not support diet at all because she had eating disorder and... she did not have an adequate perception of losing weight. I am going crazy that if I had stopped her from taking these pills, she would not have ended up in the hospital with acute pancreatitis, but the doctor said that overeating 2 times a day could cause this? And she gave her spicy food? I asked her to go to the doctor so that he could prescribe her a dose himself, but she wouldn't be able to hide it from her parents. I won't write about the time in the hospital, but I always think about him too. I've always thought about it for a month now. I should have met her in reality so that her depression would be easier, she had dopamine only from food..and me. But we were so shy, so afraid of the first meeting..Ironically, she didn't become like that. And now I don't see the point of living at all, why? I didn't save her, for two years I kept her from committing suicide, reassured her that life would get better, we planned to move in the spring, it was supposed to be at the beginning of winter. I often scolded her so that she wouldn't listen to depressive thoughts, so that she would be more positive, maybe I did it for a reason, but..I also listened to her, perceived her pain. But now it seems that I didn't do enough. I told her that we We'll eat together and there won't be such stress (because of the parents) and she can lose weight if she wants to!!!! In March I told her that she should limit some foods, she burst into tears. I really wanted her to be happy, when she asked to count her calories I always said a lower number so that she would hate herself less.. I confessed this to her, she didn't get angry and reassured me that I wanted the best, and that she was with me, that without me she had nothing at all and was doing self-harm. But now.. it seems that if I hadn't supported her, she would have eaten less? Wouldn't have loaded her pancreas? Wouldn't have died? I honestly hate myself, she studied SO much and was stressed, she was wonderful and hardworking, and what killed her was that she sought joy in food. I should have given this joy, but since I didn't have the opportunity to see her often, I chose not to see her at all so as not to be sad. Hahaha...this is my karma, I guess. I was ready to meet her, I wanted to come to the hospital. Her friend said that it was better for her to be in peace. After a week in the hospital, she was very bored and..could I come? But I didn't ask, and she didn't say to meet her. I really hate myself. She's gone and will never be again, I never saw her, I never hugged her. She's gone, she doesn't feel sad anymore because her soul is at peace, or she has turned into dust, it's only me who is sad here, right? I should have supported her more, but my stupid brain thought that if I gave her money for pizza, I would spoil her, I never thought that this could happen. She regretted money for fast food and I was..pleased her like this. But she always ate like this, I didn't think that this could happen, after Easter it all happened, just when they bought me a drawing tablet that I had dreamed of (and she also really wanted for me) I can't look at it now, I always thought that if I get it, something will be taken away from me, there is no good without bad, right? I told her hahahaha that I didn't want her to leave me after the tablet for drawing , she said I was stupid and that it was my anxiety. Ironically, after buying this tablet she ended up in the hospital, and a month later she died. All this month I tried to draw on it and she praised me. She said that she would encourage me and do.. I don't know what to do next, I wasn't a doctor I was her girlfriend but it didn't get much worse, she is VERY expressive and I always reassured her that she had to live so that there was a future, a chance to live normally! She was a trans girl and.. she said that she wasn't going to die of suicide, because she hadn't even started living normally yet, without her parents' reproaches, without the fear that they would kick her out of the house for hormones. And what was the result? Yes, we had a wonderful relationship, before the hospital she found a very good job and even in the hospital she planned what she would buy next. She wanted to study for graduate school, in April she was nervous because her parents... were taking her away with exams. Why... why so much? She studied, studied and studied. She found joy only in food,me and in games.. It hurts me. Our future has not come, there has not come a time when she could breathe

Sorry, I wanted to add a little more information to this post.

https://www.reddit.com/r/widowers/comments/1ueei88/comment/otj61g4/?screen_view_count=2

I hate myself for dissuading her from suicide. All my support was in words, because I was there online? She said that every year the situation gets worse, before she didn’t even have the opportunity to stay without hormones. But I helped her with them, I helped her find a job with the rest.. Bought a powerful computer! I.. I feel like I betrayed her, I should have intervened in the hospital, I should have offered my mother’s connections, but my girlfriend said it wasn’t worth it, her parents were doing this. They had.. few connections. I should have.. persuaded them to be more serious, bribed the doctors. It hurts me, I always worried about everyone, in the winter I was shaking that she wanted to lose weight and was afraid that she would bring herself to anorexia. And what was the conclusion? She didn’t eat for 2 weeks before the operation, they didn’t put a tube in her. They tried on May 23, but it didn’t work in the nose, or did they try in the throat? I don't know. I don't understand why the operation was so late, why. I want to scream and kill myself every day, she was so gentle and talented, she deserved the best life. I didn't suffer anywhere near as much as she did. She was worried that she couldn't get me out of my house (toxic relationship with her parents) and I... I could invite her to spend the night. I could... help her with estrogen injections, it would save her a lot of money. In her parents' house, she took pills, it's much more expensive. I just want to kill myself, I can't. I didn't save my dearest person, I only supported her verbally, financially as best I could and morally until the hospital. At the same time, I myself suffered from depression, and she, poor, had to calm me down. I just don't understand why I should continue to live, she's in the ground, she's dead. forever. I just want to kill myself, finally. I want to be with her in the dark, or in heaven. I don't want to live in this world without her, I think every day about the fact that she loved me until the very end, she didn't know she was dying, and I, an idiot, didn't even come to her. She was always physically lonely, but our mutual friend says that she had a plush shark that she hugged. I gave it to her. We started going to Discord at the end of February, she was very ashamed of her voice. I blamed myself that we didn't start communicating like this earlier, because it's so cool!!! I fell asleep very sweetly after talking to her. Her voice was wonderful. When she first got to the hospital, I realized that I wasn't afraid of meeting her, I really wanted to see her. When she assured me that she was getting better, I started to worry about the meeting and asked her friend how to behave with her better. He said What should be done with her... very gently and carefully, because she is socially anxious. It hurts me. We were so looking forward to meeting, she wanted to meet 2 years ago, a year ago... but we were very afraid. I hate myself... I will never feel her.

Hello everyone, the day after tomorrow it will be a month since my girlfriend died. She was only 23 years old, I turned 22 at the end of the summer. She suddenly fell ill and did not wake up after her last operation. She was in the hospital for a month and for the last 2 weeks she was always with a fever and did not eat. I do not understand why her parents did not insist on a feeding tube. Why. Why did the doctors do the operation so late? No one expected her death, my mother could have helped with the connections at the hospital, but I was afraid to reveal her data because she was a transgender girl. I did not want my mother to know her as a boy. We never saw each other in reality (the distance was small), because both had autism and social anxiety, fear of disappointing each other (I was abandoned once, after I came 8000 km and it traumatized me very much, then I tried to end my life) and she was also ..unsuccessful meeting. We were in a relationship for 2 years and..recently became much closer, and already planned our meeting and even moving..My life became better with her arrival, the only problem was that I did not have a drawing tablet (I really wanted to earn money and move with her as soon as possible) and..I was very worried about her morale, her life with her parents was exhausting, she could not be herself. I will not tell everything, just..I hate myself very much, I should have invited her to my house for a meeting, when she was in the hospital I should have intervened, I knew that she was sleeping badly but no one offered her a single room, I do not understand why..Our mutual friend dissuaded me from coming to her hospital, because she was already exhausted and the meeting would be stressful for her. I was with her online..I googled all her symptoms, she said that her doctors were doing nothing, but I reassured her that they knew how to do their job..I saw every day of her illness, I still remember how everything happened..I didn't have time to say goodbye..She said she missed me..on the day I took the tests 700 meters from her hospital. Yes, she was very sick and she hated when her parents came to see her, but..I missed this chance, and it hurts me a lot. The last thing she told me was that she missed me and that she would come after the day of reanimation..She didn't come. I called her parents only on the 5th day. I was afraid of causing her problems with my call. I hate myself, every day I scroll through my head with options on how I could have saved her, I hate myself that she spent the last years of her life on a girl who was afraid of meeting long before the hospital. She said that I was the best girl she had..But is that true? It hurts me that she She never changed her documents, it hurts me that I wasn't at her funeral. Maybe the fact that we haven't seen each other makes the situation easier? I don't know, I cry several times a day and am seriously thinking about suicide. Before her hospitalization, they bought me a drawing tablet, which I really wanted. Her ex tells me that I should go to therapy and take antidepressants and... draw for her? Live for her? And how can I, when she's dead? When she's in the ground without her dreams, our future? I don't know if suicides go to heaven, but if she's in the dark there, I want to be with her. The clothes we wanted to wear together arrived, beautiful, cute clothes. I hate myself for not telling my mom about her, what difference does it make that my mom would consider her a boyfriend. I just didn't think that death could take away a person like that. My beloved person. I reassured her all year that everything would be okay, that we would live together! That suicide wasn't worth it, we lived for each other. She was a talented IT professional. At the beginning of winter, she found a good job. We were planning to move. In turn, I was chained to my house, because I was looking after my sick grandmother and cat. But I had the opportunity to go to her, but I didn't want to meet her once a year. She was also very afraid of meeting her. She was afraid of causing problems for my parents. She was also afraid that I wasn't enough for her. close, so that she would forgive my..flaws in reality? Although she loved me very much..and considered me beautiful..When she got to the hospital, I told her that I was no longer afraid of meeting her, she did not react at all.. She always said that she did not believe that she would find her person and..She found it? She was loved..She left, knowing that I loved her.. I hurt, I hurt very much. Why did she die? Ironically, but she died because of the pancreas, which my mother has been scaring me with all my life, because she is sick with me. Every delicious food that I offered her (she had an eating disorder) felt like poison..I tried to support her, she had insulin resistance and..I supported her as much as I could so that she would not worry about food..The feeling that I should have insisted on a diet..She She said she eats normally because of me. She had few joys except food, she was always stressed because of her studies and her parents. I dream of her every night, her dead body, the fact that she is coming back to me, I can't imagine how I can continue to live, communicate with people, fulfill my dreams while she is in the ground. Live for her? She is gone. And there never will be, our future will NEVER be. She always tried to study, she studied very, very much for the opportunity to have hormones. I tried to helpShe was really bad with them..She always said that life gets worse every year. I thanked myself for not killing myself 3 years ago, because I met her..And now..now I don't know. I don't want to live anymore, I don't want to love anyone else, but I also don't want to be alone. I'm very scared, I didn't save her, I'm completely alone. I've never loved anyone as much as she does, I understand that we didn't live together, we didn't even see each other, but it hurts me very much. This is the person I woke up with and fell asleep with every day, the person we sat with for hours until we stopped crying. I hate myself for being afraid of meeting her, for having such stupid complexes.. While I'm alive, I can meet many more good people, right? But it won't be her. I don't want to... I don't want to forget her, I don't want to... I want to hug her, kiss her, I've never touched her. I don't want to die alone, I don't want to live without her, I can't. I haven't eaten for 2 weeks since her death, I don't have any food. I force myself to eat. I hate breathing, I hate having a body. I hate that she'll never see Snezhna in the genshin, it hurts me that my world has stopped, but the world around me continues to move. I hate the very thought that in the future I can let her go and live on, love another person, do things with her that I didn't do... with my beloved. I don't want her to be my person, she's my only one, she loved me until the end. I always worried about my death, that I would die without living alone, without a hyperprotective mother... Without living with her. She was very afraid lose me..And I her too. Sorry..that there is so much text. I just really want to cry and share this with someone, how do you experience grief? How do you experience the desire to follow your love? Have you tried? I know that she would want me to live..but...it's hard.

https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans/comments/1tvkuy9/comment/ophslp1/?screen_view_count=2 It's been 13 days since I found out she died. She's been gone for 18 days. I've been to her grave a couple of times, brought her flowers..Being with her is really calming.. Today I ate for the first time in 2 weeks, her ex says I should live in her memory, one of the reasons we couldn't see each other is that I take care of my grandmother and animals at home (family circumstances) and now they bought me a tablet so I could earn something.. Her ex says that if I follow her, the memory of her will disappear, that it is not known what happens after death, but what is known for sure is that the last person she loved and who knew her for real will disappear. I still don't see the point in living any longer, against the background of stress, I guess my chronic nose disease has been cured (it doesn't bother me at all now) and I..I don't know.I dreamed of drawing Yuri and making money from it, she even wanted to give me her laptop..so that it would be more comfortable to draw. Now I can neither draw nor look at Yuri. I see my girl everywhere, everywhere. I don't dream of her, I don't sleep normally, I don't dream..I just cry and chat on Discord with her friends.. She was special, she was different from the others..how can I ever love someone else when she's in the ground? when I didn't give her my first kiss? I don't want to be alone all my life, but I don't want to love anyone but her either. I want to hug her. My mom liked her, she says that if I hadn't kept everything a secret, she could have even come to us. Maybe my mom would have used some connections in the hospital. But I was afraid to misgender her. Well, it's too late. A year ago I laughed that I would come to her, and she shared her geolocation and said that she knew that I was too anxious to meet. All day I discuss our relationship and her death with her ex. She didn't eat anything for 2 weeks and was always with a fever and after that she had an operation. The day before that they tried to put a tube in her nose but they couldn't, I asked why they didn't put it in her throat, but.. she didn't answer. That is, she was exhausted from the fever, hunger.. In She had no chance of surviving this operation. I'm angry with myself for not coming to see her, I wanted to, but our mutual friend said that she needed peace to recover. And I was afraid myself... to hurt her, to make her nervous... I thought it would be better if the meeting was in better conditions. Every day I hate myself for not protecting her, not controlling her. Why did her parents allow this operation? Didn't they see that she was very thin? It hurts me, I try to think that her life was hard and now she is free but..but it was..it was really like that but we wanted to get together in six months, she literally just found a job. It hurts me a lot, we became much closer this spring..She didn't have the strength to think about whether she would survive this operation, what the doctors thought..Maybe her operation was too late, she was angry that the doctors didn't do anything...but I think more that she died from dehydration and hunger..it's ironic that I have always worried about this, or rather..for hunger, I have always worried about her relationship with food. I don't know why I am writing all this, I want to hear support? Or effective ways to meet her? Please, if you have a similar experience or an experience of unsuccessful suicide after losing a loved one, write about it. Still, I hope that you don't have such an experience, hahaha..

I decided to supplement the post, if possible.. https://www.reddit.com/r/mypartneristrans/comments/1tusnrq/the_love_of_my_life_has_died_and_i_dont_know_how/

Yesterday I managed to drink a couple of glasses of coca cola, I still sleep very badly and cry. Mom calms me down, that I didn't know even in her hospital, but I knew. it started. It just hurts me unbearably that because I was afraid that my mother would see her dead name, I lost her. I was always afraid of everything, well, what if she saw it? She would be alive. She would be with me and live on.. On May 23, they tried to put a probe in her nose but it was no use, why didn't they put it in her throat? What kind of stupid doctors are these? It was obvious that it was hard for her to survive the operation because she didn't eat anything and didn't drink for a couple of days. I'm more concerned that I could have done something. I could have insisted more on her eating, I generally thought that this operation was like drainage, like something not that difficult. She was loading her stomach with heavy food but.. I supported her, I didn't understand that it could all end like this. I supported her to eat, I wanted her to not be able to stand it because of diets and calories. I thought that the temperature would end, I thought everything would be fine, I thought it was just this state. I didn't understand, artificial intelligence told me that the temperature was a sign that the body was fighting.. I'm more concerned that she wrote to me all the time that she couldn't do this anymore, and I just reassured her that everything would pass soon. If only I had connected my mother to this, bought her at least earplugs, or told her parents to buy them.. she always slept very badly, in general in the ward. Maybe my mother would have helped, the operation would have been done earlier... maybe they would have given her drugs, but she would have been alive. I am very, very hurt, I didn't even go to the funeral because again, I was afraid to call her parents when she didn't get in touch, because they were wondering who I was. I tried to support her, I didn't sleep well... with her. My mother says that the fact that she was in such a terrible state, she was able to write to me and tell me that I was her support, that we had a special connection... she says that she was responsible... I am more worried that I didn't understand the seriousness of it, and that she still wrote to me in such a terrible state... she missed me, even when it was unbearably painful. On the 23rd, relatives who worked at the hospital tried to ask for an epidural for her, but it didn't work, but her heart was weak. I can't stop thinking that if I had interfered with my mother's friends, she would be alive. It hurts me a lot, my mother says to live on and draw for her, but how? I didn't save her. It hurts me a lot, we were both afraid of meeting, but we started chatting on Discord, we became even closer than we were, she said that she trusted me a lot and couldn't live without me. Will God forgive my sin? I'm not a believer, I just... I really want her, I can't get over it, I don't want to let her go, I don't want to continue living as if nothing happened, I didn't save the person closest to me. I know that suicides don't go to heaven, although I don't know for sure if it exists. But maybe God will have mercy on me? I don't know how to get over it, my mother says that maybe we wouldn't get along in reality because there would be household chores and all that, but... I dreamed about them. I dreamed of cooking with her, doing laundry, cleaning. There's an emptiness in my head, I can't imagine hugging her, before I went to bed I always thought about hugging her and it... calmed me down, very calmed me down.I didn't idealize her, I wasn't in love with her image. I loved her, I knew her flaws. I... I had never met such a girl, she was everything I could have dreamed of. Not a day went by that I didn't think about how lucky I was to have her. My idiotic fear led to the fact that I not only didn't see her, but also let her die. I was afraid to call her by her dead name, I was afraid. I didn't want my mother to take her for a husband, I didn't want to hurt her, and now what? She is buried under a man's name. I will not leave this world until I visit her grave. Thank you for reading, please appreciate the kindness of your loved ones, I appreciated it, but my anxiety from work is against me.

/very long post Hello Reddit, cisF 22. I never thought I would ever write a post here on such a topic, usually I read posts like "how to help my trans girlfriend feel better/how to calm her dysphoria" but alas, I lost it. She died a couple of days ago and I didn't even know about it because I was waiting for her to write to me. (I didn't want to cause her problems by calling her parents) She was probably already buried, with her dead name. She only lived for 23 years. When she got sick I wanted to see her. We had never seen each other before because we both have autism and bad experiences with in-person meetings (also fear of disappointing each other). I feel so empty, we were supposed to get together soon, she found a job and everything started to get better for me. I don't know how I'm going to live without her, everything I did I did for the sake of our future, I dreamed of going through the process of changing my documents with her, injecting her with estrogen, doing all the things with her that she was deprived of in her parents' house. Dressing her the way she wanted, buying all kinds of girly things, painting her nails. I promised that we would To do this, I constantly dissuaded her from suicide, repeating that the suffering would end one day. They ended, but not the way I imagined. I could have met her, but I didn't want the meeting to be in such an environment, when she was sick and tired. I googled her symptoms for a whole month, calmed her down, tried to be there. On May 20, she told me that she missed me very much, we didn't communicate much at that time because she had a fever all the time. I could have come then, I was in her city with my mother at that time, but I didn't go to the hospital. She was literally 700 meters away from me. She always wrote that she was in pain, and now it seems to me that I didn't react enough. On May 25 at night, I went to bed, and half an hour later she wrote that she was scared and that she really missed me and life. I started calming her down at 10 in the morning. During the day, she wrote that she would be in intensive care for a day. She didn't get out of it. I was afraid, I was afraid of meeting, I thought that after the hospital we would definitely meet. I never held her hand, I never kissed her, the gifts I gave her are still there and the goodies I bought her. When she was already dead. I went to the post office in my city (50 km from her) to get gifts for her. At that moment, she most likely died. I don't know if this story will be published, it just hurts me a lot. My girl was buried with a dead name, I don't even know if they will give me the coordinates of her grave, because her parents told me not to call there anymore. I want to see her, every time she talked about suicide, I answered that I would commit it too and she said "you can't" It hurts me so much, it hurts me that we didn't meet her, didn't live together. They bought me a drawing tablet that I dreamed about on April 20, on the 25th she was already in the hospital. The feeling that I paid with her life for it, she was very happy for him because... she wanted me to draw. She praised my drawings very much. I loved and still love her so much, and I regret that I didn't come. I reassure myself that I was in touch almost all the time, reassuring her, distracting her. But she was lonely in person, I never stroked her on the head. Her parents always visited her and she was very angry with them for it, but I didn't ask if she wanted me to come. Our mutual friend said that when they first met, she was very nervous, I didn't want to stress her. If only I had known that we wouldn't have another chance. Maybe she wouldn't have felt the stress because... she was too weak. The feeling that I lied to her when I told her that she was recovering. Her parents were looking for better doctors and I also tried, but she said that she was in a better hospital anyway. Mom said that she should be cut, but on the Internet they wrote that it was very dangerous, her doctor said that she should eat quail eggs (most likely drink) and I did not insist on it. They took tests or somehow dragged out the time. She suffered from a fever, from pain. It hurts me that she died in the hospital, it hurts me that I am here now and she is in the cold ground. No one expected her death, it all started on April 24 and on the 25th she was already in the hospital. She was in intensive care for 3 days and said that she was continuing to improve. But from May 10 she started having a constant temperature. On May 23 they tried to put a probe through her nose but they could not. She lay in a general ward where everyone was constantly snoring and did not let her to sleep, I could have asked my mom for money for a special ward, to buy earplugs. It hurts me, I didn't want to misgender her in front of my mom. It hurts me so much if I did it, maybe she would be alive if I had intervened. Her parents took care of her... but I don't know how much, my mom knew a surgeon at that hospital, maybe if I had intervened, she would have had a special relationship with her. She chose what we would play when she was discharged, chose what to buy. She found a job in the winter (she was a talented and very diligent IT worker) and we were already making plans to move, I often worried that she would leave me and not fall out of love, because I didn't believe that everything could really be like this... sincerely, in love... My parents know but... they are homophobic, they don't understand how much I love her, for them she is just my friend. She's been gone for 8 days, I still can't believe it, I found out about it on April 30th. On the fifth day of her death. We've known each other for almost 3 years, 1.9 of which we've been dating. I reassure myself that she no longer has dysphoria, no self-hatred, no anxiety. But she wanted to live so much, she never started living the way she wanted. She bought herself a cool computer, wanted to buy a monitor this summer and a phone. My little girl, why am I living? Why not her? Every day I reread our messages, talk to her photo, read about where people go after death, I hope she will go to heaven after 40 days. But I also want her to be next to me. I don't want to keep her soul here, I don't want to meet her in heaven when I'm 80. I don't want to love anyone else, she's forever my girl. But I also don't want to suffer, she wouldn't want that. I can't imagine how her parents are now, they didn't accept her but loved her as a child. Will I go to hell if I don't survive this? I really want her. My heart hurts all the time, I can't imagine our hugs in my head like before. I reassure myself that she died peacefully under anesthesia, but she died without hormones. My little girl. I should have held her hand at least once. I am unbearably hurt, I did not say goodbye to her, I did not do so much. Please, if you had a similar experience.. write about it. I am unbearably hurt, I want to follow her. I do not know if she would be happy about this, but she will definitely understand (if her soul has not disappeared) that I am unbearable.. she fought for life, and I want to get rid of it. Because I can not see it without her, I loved her more than life, I lived for our future, for the sake of being next to her.. She always said that she did not see the point of living without me. I love her so much. We had too little time to be together, I hate my complexes, because my fear of being abandoned did not allow me to meet her. Hold her hand. I do not understand how I should live on?"Live for her" but she will no longer eat delicious food, play games that she loved so much, code. I always thought that she would be my last girlfriend, because I have never loved so sincerely. Our mutual friend said that .. I somehow lived for her. Yeah, but only when I met her my life became amazing .. So I became more asocial because I stopped meeting my friends (because I was consumed by guilt that I don't meet her but I do with them) she was very important to me I .. I wanted to meet when we get attached to each other well, when I look beautiful .. I always thought that it was better that way than her leaving me when we met .. She would never do that. In February we started communicating on Discord .. I was so happy to hear her voice, I'm scared that I was the catalyst for her death, I sent her money for pizza andetc..and she went to the hospital with acute pancreatitis..but it was after Easter..where there was a lot of fatty food. I..I don't know. I want to believe that I will find another trans girl to whom I can give all the tenderness that I didn't have time to give her. I reassure myself that she suffered all her life, but it doesn't help. I wanted to make her happy, you know? I wanted to support her, I don't believe that she died. I love her very much. I don't want anyone else.But if we consider relationships, then I would like to save a lonely trans woman in memory of her, that's what my girl was. I don't have tears anymore, I haven't eaten or drunk for 3 days. I..I want to see her.I'm in so much pain, I've never loved like this before, our mutual friend said we shouldn't meet in the hospital because it would stress me out, I'm so sorry I didn't go to see her. He said he saw that I made her happy, he said she knew how much I loved her. She said she was lonely in real life. I'm so hurt that I didn't save her, my mom had connections in her hospital, but I didn't want her to know her dead name.