i am turning 19 this year, for the past 19 years of my life it has been an absolute shit show, i was introduced to porn at an early age by my two older cousins, one of them later even molested and did sexual things with me multiple times all while he was a minor himself.

due to all this i got addicted to porn and masturbation in between as well, and this is the thing that has been affecting me till to this day

for all i can remember for the past 10 to 12 years of my life ive been masturbating every single day, once or more than that, with some occasional and rare short streaks of not doing it as well, but otherwise ive been doing since of the days of my pre pubescence

when i was young i didnt know you can masturbate with your penis erect as well, for what i used to is this

i used insert two of my fingers into my foreskin inbetween my foreskin and glans while my penis is flacid and i used to rotate my finger around it and it would eventually make me orgasm or cum or whatever

being erect was actually a turn off for me cuz it was difficult for me to get my fingers inside so for my pre pubescence i masturbated like this only

now come to think of it it was almost like a girl masturbating

now coming to my household'

i grew up in an abusive household, fathers beating their young children mercilessly was common

i got beatings as well, bad ones, i remember once my father was beating me and although it was on accident but he kinda slapped me and my head hit on the wall and that was not good

i remember once he picked me up and threw me onto the solid ground when i mustve been only 10 i think or around that if im not wrong, i dont remember exactly to be honest

my cousins when we were younger, our families lived in the same house, so i also got to see how there fathers used to beat them

the eldest one was tragic, i remember once his father beat him so much his nose started bleeding, so he came running towards my mother and hid behind her, now his dad wouldnt come near my mother so for that day he was saved

the one cousin who was elder to me, his father used to hit him on the thighs only, and would hit him until they got red, it was almost like a threshold point for his father, i will beat my son till his thighs turn red

with my father the beatings were mostly on the face and arms and legs, he was strong man with hard hands back then, still is right now but back then it was more apparent, i still remember how i would be on the bed trying to avoid his slaps while id save one side he'd hit me on the opposite, i would bring my arms in between he'd hit me on my arms, id raise my legs to keep distance from him, and god he'd hit me hard on the legs

the difference between my father and my cousins fathers were that my father used to hit my mother as well, plus he had an affair as well with his office colleague

lol i remember something

me and my cousins, due to the beatings, were kind of trauma bonded as well, we used to debate upon whos father beats the one the hardest, and we used to literally boast about how hard my father hits me or oh no how hard my father beats me, it was almost like thing of pride for us

anyways, coming back to my father

i remember one day my mother and father were having an arguement on the phone because maybe my mother knew about my fathers affair, and it escalated so much that my father 4-5 hours early from office just to beat my mother, at that time me and one of my cousin were on the our house's terrace just hanging out when we saw my dad pulling up ln his bike, i dont remember exactly how the next scenes happened so im gonna skip them

all i remember for sure was that locked door and those belt noises, god they were terribly loud now that i remember i wonder how could my mother take such a beating it mustve been very painful the belt noises were very bad

speaking of locked door, it wasnt like he wouldnt hit my mother in front of me, he would, i remember one time he was talking to someone on the phone and it was that affair of his maybe and my mom comes near the phone and starts shouting to her, and then my dad slaps my mom right on the face, the slap came so fast and was so bad, mustve been excruciating for her to take that, i saw all that happen in front of eyes while i was sitting on the nearby sofa

a whole family facade also took place where my relatives gathered up and all of that eventually led to my father losing that job of his and getting a new one

but the affair didnt stop there because he got into another affair

i have even seen his whatsapp chats with her recently, they were disgusting, she had even sent a lingerie picture of her to my father, apparently that woman has a daughter as well

coming back to the sexual assault part

i remember once my cousin tried inserting his dick inside me while my dad was sleeping on the same bed, it did get in a little but hurt so i immediately pulled myself away

i tried to the same with him as well but couldnt locate his asshole so i just gave up

my mother knew about the stuff we used to do together, not in explicit detail but a so called softer version of it

that cousin once tried to suck my dick a little while my mother was in the same room

and for brief moment he did and then backed off

i tried to do the same with him but only managed to take a glimpse off his penis because my mother was getting suspicious

she even called my cousin once and asked him what do we guys do together

my cousin was a really bad influence while i was growing up

i remember once i was grinding on top of my cousin's while we were in missionary and it was so intense that we both got an orgasm

i even passed down this assault to my two younger cousins, i was the one who molested them when they were young, not sure how much of that they remember but yeah

i even tried inserting my dick in there ass but was mostly unsuccessful

ah god i feel terrible for doing that

i hope i get the chance to apologize to them one day

now coming back to the more fucked up part i guess

i was child p****ography recently

like real fucked up shit

i got it from a guy on reddit only, we talked a but on telegram and then he sent me a zip file which had all these videos

it even had real recorded r*pe videos in them as well

i feel so terrible to confess that

i masturbated to that as well

since the past 2 to 3 years i have been showing signs of pedophilia

and even touched a younger boy while he was asleep

but stopped myself in time

i dont trust myself enough that for how long would i be able to control these urges of mine until i hurt somebody

i am contemplating suicide but only the thought of my mother is stopping me from doing so

she is a very innocent women who genuinely loves me and had endured a lot, i dont know much well she'd be able to take the burden of her son committing suicide

you know im glad i dont have a younger sibling sister otherwise id have ruined her life who knows

please dont recommend me to take professional help, i cant, i live in a super conservative family and i have no means of getting any help whatsoever or talk to anyone about this whatsoever except to strangers online

i am 19 and i am still not in college, in a few days would be the second time i am going to give my college entrance exam, i failed miserably the last time last year, and this year its going to be worse

i didnt study anything, i tried, but just in a few days i failed, all i did for the whole year was to watch fucked up or straight up illegal porn, masturbate and doomscroll, i dont even what am i doing with my life except ruining it to the fullest

you know

im like not a bad student

i was a very good student actually when i was young

to the point that i didnt even need to study except my classes, i would remember shit studied days ago to my examination, and i would just give the paper and pass it with good grades

i know im smart, not arrogantly but really, i know i got it but i am stuck so hard into his fucked up loops of addictions that i dont even know if id live long enough to see myself at 30

because im unhealthy as fuck, a year back or ago i got a knee injury and that fucker has still hasnt recovered, i cant bend my knee past a certain point, it hurts if i do so, also its a little swollen at places

i did went to the doctor at that time and my vitamin d came out to be 3.69 (im not joking) while the normal amount is between 30 to 100, mine was 3.69

i did take medication but that didnt help

my parents dont even look after me i feel so bad about this knee but cant do anything about it except cry

life's been terrible

i am so behind from everyone and i dont think id be able to even catch up, i am so trash theres nothing special about me, infact im a piece of trash, i really am, i turned out to be a terrible person, i really wish this whole thing just ends for fucks sake i dont have the courage to commit suicide, i cant have my mother see her son dead like that, its all so fucking trash really

i am so behind from everyone and i dont think id be able to even catch up, i am so trash theres nothing special about me, infact im a piece of trash, i really am, i turned out to be a terrible person, i really wish this whole thing just ends for fucks sake i dont have the courage to commit suicide, i cant have my mother see her son dead like that, its all so fucking trash really

i am so behind from everyone and i dont think id be able to even catch up, i am so trash theres nothing special about me, infact im a piece of trash, i really am, i turned out to be a terrible person, i really wish this whole thing just ends for fucks sake i dont have the courage to commit suicide, i cant have my mother see her son dead like that, its all so fucking trash really

i am so behind from everyone and i dont think id be able to even catch up, i am so trash theres nothing special about me, infact im a piece of trash, i really am, i turned out to be a terrible person, i really wish this whole thing just ends for fucks sake i dont have the courage to commit suicide, i cant have my mother see her son dead like that, its all so fucking trash really

for the next 1 year till mid of 2027 id be settled in an environment which wouldve no source of external sources of entertainment
i would also be devoid of exercising my hobbies, traits, humor and life in general

for the next 1 year from now id be living such a repetitive, rigorous life
and in that meantime i really dont want to lose my current self so id writing some stuff here about myself on a regular basis
im doing this just to keep myself in touch with myself

TW:- [CSA, Parental abuse, CP, Borderline Suicidal]

i am turning 19 this year, for the past 19 years of my life it has been an absolute shit show, i was introduced to porn at an early age by my two older cousins, one of them later even molested and did sexual things with me multiple times all while he was a minor himself.

due to all this i got addicted to porn and masturbation in between as well, and this is the thing that has been affecting me till to this day

for all i can remember for the past 10 to 12 years of my life ive been masturbating every single day, once or more than that, with some occasional and rare short streaks of not doing it as well, but otherwise ive been doing since of the days of my pre pubescence

when i was young i didnt know you can masturbate with your penis erect as well, for what i used to is this

i used insert two of my fingers under my foreskin inbetween my foreskin and glans while my penis is flaccid and i used to rotate my finger around it and it would eventually make me orgasm or cum or whatever

being erect was actually a turn off for me cuz it was difficult for me to get my fingers inside so for my pre pubescence i masturbated like this only

now come to think of it it was almost like a girl masturbating

now coming to my household'

i grew up in an abusive household, fathers beating their young children mercilessly was common

i got beatings as well, bad ones, i remember once my father was beating me and although it was on accident but he kinda slapped me and my head hit on the wall and that was not good

i remember once he picked me up and threw me onto the solid ground when i mustve been only 10 i think or around that if im not wrong, i dont remember exactly to be honest

my cousins when we were younger, our families lived in the same house, so i also got to see how there fathers used to beat them

the eldest one was tragic, i remember once his father beat him so much his nose started bleeding, so he came running towards my mother and hid behind her, now his dad wouldnt come near my mother so for that day he was saved

i remember another incident when his father stripped him naked and sent him on the terrace of our house in cold winters at night, and told him to stay up there for the whole night, my father had to go up there and bring him down

the one cousin who was elder to me, his father used to hit him on the thighs only, and would hit him until they got red, it was almost like a threshold point for his father, i will beat my son till his thighs turn red

with my father the beatings were mostly on the face and arms and legs, he was strong man with hard hands back then, still is right now but back then it was more apparent, i still remember how i would be on the bed trying to avoid his slaps while id save one side he'd hit me on the opposite, i would bring my arms in between he'd hit me on my arms, id raise my legs to keep distance from him, and god he'd hit me hard on the legs, i'd cry out loud but that was to no avail, no amount of crying would have had any affect on him, he would only stop when he would be done

the difference between my father and my cousins fathers were that my father used to hit my mother as well, plus he had an affair as well with his office colleague

lol i remember something

me and my cousins, due to the beatings, were kind of trauma bonded as well, we used to debate upon whos father beats the one the hardest, and we used to literally boast about how hard my father hits me or oh no how my father beats me the hardest, it was almost like a thing of pride for us

anyways, coming back to my father

i remember one day my mother and father were having an argument on the phone because maybe my mother knew about my fathers affair, and it escalated so much that my father came 4-5 hours early from office just to beat my mother, at that time me and one of my cousin were on the our house's terrace just hanging out when we saw my dad pulling up ln his bike, i dont remember exactly how the next coming scenes pulled out so im gonna skip them

all i remember for sure was that locked door and those belt noises, god they were terribly loud now that i remember i wonder how could my mother take such a beating it mustve been very painful the belt noises were very bad

speaking of locked door, it wasnt like he wouldnt hit my mother in front of me, he would, i remember one time he was talking to someone on the phone and it was that affair of his maybe and my mom comes near the phone and starts shouting to her, and then my dad slaps my mom right on the face, the slap came so fast and was so bad, mustve been excruciating for her to take that, i saw all that happen in front of eyes while i was sitting on the nearby sofa

a whole family facade also took place where my relatives gathered up and all of that eventually led to my father losing that job of his and getting a new one

but the affair didnt stop there because he got into another affair

i have even seen his whatsapp chats with her recently, they were disgusting, she had even sent a lingerie picture of her to my father, apparently that woman has a daughter as well

coming back to the sexual assault part

i remember once my cousin tried inserting his dick inside me while my dad was sleeping on the same bed, it did get in a little but hurt so i immediately pulled myself away

i tried to do the same with him as well but couldnt locate his asshole so i just gave up

my mother knew about the stuff we used to do together, not in explicit detail but a so called softer version of it

that cousin once tried to suck my dick a little while my mother was in the same room

and for brief moment he did and then backed off

i tried to do the same with him but only managed to take a glimpse off his penis because my mother was getting suspicious

she even called my cousin once and asked him what do we guys do together

my cousin was a really bad influence while i was growing up

i remember once i was grinding on top of my cousin while we were in missionary and it was so intense that we both got an orgasm

i even passed down this assault to my two younger cousins, which is the biggest guilt of my life, i was the one who molested them when they were young, not sure how much of that they remember but yeah

i even tried inserting my dick in there ass but was mostly unsuccessful

ah god i feel terrible for doing that

i hope i get the chance to apologize to them one day

now coming back to the more fucked up part i guess

i was child p****ography recently

like real fucked up shit

i got it from a guy on reddit only, we talked a bit on telegram and then he sent me a zip file which had all these videos

it even had real recorded r*pe videos in them as well

i feel so terrible to confess that

i masturbated to that as well

since the past 2 to 3 years i have been showing signs of pedophilia and incest fantasies

and even touched a younger boy while he was asleep

but stopped myself in time

i dont trust myself enough that for how long would i be able to control these urges of mine until i hurt somebody

i am contemplating suicide but only the thought of my mother is stopping me from doing so

she is a very innocent women who genuinely loves me and had endured a lot, i dont know much well she'd be able to take the burden of her son committing suicide

you know im glad i dont have a younger sibling sister otherwise who knows I'd have ruined her life

please dont recommend me to take professional help, i cant, i live in a super conservative family and i have no means of getting any help whatsoever or talk to anyone about this whatsoever except to strangers online

i am 19 and i am still not in college, in a few days would be the second time i am going to give my college entrance exam, i failed miserably the last time last year, and this year its going to be worse

i didnt study anything, i tried, but just in a few days i failed, all i did for the whole year was to watch fucked up or straight up illegal porn, masturbate and doomscroll, i dont even what am i doing with my life except ruining it to the fullest

you know

im like not a bad student

i was a very good student actually when i was young

to the point that i didnt even need to study except my classes, i would remember shit studied days ago to my examination, and i would just give the paper and pass it with good grades

i know im smart, not arrogantly but really, i know i got it but i am stuck so hard into this fucked up loops of addictions that i dont even know if id live long enough to see myself at 30

because im unhealthy as fuck, a year back or ago i got a knee injury and that fucker has still hasnt recovered, i cant bend my knee past a certain point, it hurts if i do so, also its a little swollen at places

i did went to the doctor at that time and my vitamin d came out to be 3.69 (im not joking) while the normal amount is between 30 to 100, mine was 3.69

i did take medication but that didnt help

my parents dont even look after me i feel so bad about this knee but cant do anything about it except cry

life's been terrible