u/Easy_Calligrapher_70

I (21F) have a really complicated relationship with my mom. I love her, and I know I’m not a perfect daughter, but I’m getting to the point where I genuinely don’t know how I’m supposed to respond to her anymore.

Whenever we have a serious argument, my mom will threaten to kill herself or say things about dying. It’s happened enough that it feels less like her expressing how she feels and more like something she uses to shut down the argument and make me feel guilty. She refuses to get professional help or consider medication, but I’m still somehow expected to know how to handle these threats every time they happen.

During our most recent fight, she threatened it again, and I finally snapped and said, “Then do it.”
I know that was an absolutely horrible thing to say. I’m not proud of it, and obviously I don’t actually want my mom to die. I was just so exhausted and angry after hearing the same threat over and over that something in me broke.

A huge part of our conflict is also money. My parents have given me an incredibly privileged life. They’ve provided me with a home, food, paid for college and helped with my rent. I am genuinely grateful for that. But whenever my mom is angry with me, those things become ammunition. It turns into a list of everything they’ve ever done for me and why that means I’m ungrateful or a horrible daughter.

I’m also dealing with several mental health issues of my own, and I’m trying really hard to function as an adult despite them. I work full time while going to school, travel frequently for work and with friends, and overall I think I’m doing pretty well for myself. Sometimes I wonder if part of my mom’s resentment comes from watching me have opportunities and experiences she didn’t get to have at my age, but I also recognize that I could be completely wrong about that.

What especially frustrates me is being treated like I’m this uniquely terrible daughter. My older sister has done things that objectively caused much bigger problems for our family, including failing out of college without telling my parents, convincing them to sign a lease for a college apartment anyway, and taking thousands of dollars from them. I’m not saying that makes my own mistakes okay, but it makes me question why so much anger seems to get directed at me.

I understand that financial support is a privilege, not something every parent can or will provide their adult child. I also understand that I’m 21 and responsible for my own behavior. But I don’t think providing for me means I should have to accept being called horrible, guilt-tripped, or repeatedly told that my mother is going to kill herself whenever we fight.

I know saying “then do it” crossed a line. At the same time, I feel like I’ve spent years being expected to regulate both my emotions and hers, and I’m exhausted.

At what point am I allowed to say that I’m the daughter and she’s the mother, and I cannot keep being responsible for what she threatens to do to herself?

I (21F) cannot tell anymore if my mom is manipulative or if I’m actually just a shitty daughter.
The best way I can describe our relationship is the mom and daughter in *Lady Bird*. We both love each other. A lot. We’re also both wrong sometimes, we know exactly how to piss each other off, and somehow every argument can turn into something way bigger than what it started as.

But as I’ve gotten older and become my own person, our relationship has gotten so much worse. We honestly fight more now than we did when I was 15.

My mom knows exactly how to hurt me. When we fight, she’ll call me an “evil bitch child” or bring up things I did years ago as proof that I’m apparently this horrible person.

Tonight was probably one of our worst fights in months.

My boyfriend and I have been having some issues lately, and my mom randomly said, “Well, you’re just with him because he’s hot and \[professional sport he plays\].” I’m purposely leaving out the sport because I don’t want anyone identifying him.

I responded, “No. I’ve dated people richer than him. That doesn’t matter to me.”

She immediately went, “Because we’re SO poor.”
We are not poor. At all. My parents bought their house in Southern California in cash, renovated it, and pay my college tuition. I also never called them poor.

So I said, “Literally nobody said you’re poor.”

And somehow that turned into her bringing up basically every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Normally when conversations get like this, I try to remove myself and say something like, “When you want to have an adult conversation, I’ll be in my room.” Tonight, for a variety of reasons, I could not be the bigger person.

And I want to be clear that I haven’t always handled our relationship perfectly either. Especially as a teenager. I’ve screamed at her. I’ve called her names. I’ve stormed off. I could be absolutely awful when I was 16 or 17, and I regret a lot of it.
But I also feel like I’m permanently being punished for the worst version of myself.

Our relationship especially changed once we developed very different political beliefs. She’s on the right and I’m on the left. Ever since then, it feels like she genuinely hates talking to me sometimes. If I disagree with her or try to have a difficult conversation, she says I’m being condescending or somehow twists what I’m saying into me basically telling her she “should die.”

Earlier TODAY, before this other fight even happened, we were arguing about her helping me move into my new college house. During the car ride she told me, “I’m gonna write a letter for when I die and it’s gonna say ‘fuck you’ and say how horrible of a daughter you are.”

That really fucked with me.

She also knows I struggle badly with OCD surrounding my face and hygiene. It’s something that already makes me incredibly anxious and self-conscious. During fights, she has brought it up and essentially told me I deserve to struggle with it because I’m an evil person.

That’s the part I’m having the hardest time rationalizing.

I understand relationships are a two-way street. I know I’m not some innocent angel who has never raised my voice or said something mean. I’m 21, I’ve made mistakes, and there are absolutely moments where I owe my mom an apology.

But I don’t know if the things she says to me are a normal consequence of two people with a complicated relationship, or if I’ve gotten so used to them that I don’t realize how excessive they are.
Because she’s still my mom. I love her so fucking much. I don’t want to cut her out of my life.
But whenever she talks to me like this, I swear I revert right back to being 17. Suddenly I’m angry, defensive and saying things I thought I had grown out of saying. Then afterward I feel horrible and wonder if her assessment of me is actually right.
I don’t want to go no-contact. I don’t even really want low-contact. I want a relationship with my mom where we can disagree or be angry with each other without trying to emotionally destroy each other.

But I have no idea how to get there, or if it’s even possible when only one person is trying.
Has anyone had a relationship like this with a parent and actually made it better? At what point does “we both have things to work on” become an excuse for someone saying genuinely cruel things to you?

I (21F) cannot tell anymore if my mom is manipulative or if I’m actually just a shitty daughter.
The best way I can describe our relationship is the mom and daughter in Lady Bird. We both love each other. A lot. We’re also both wrong sometimes, we know exactly how to piss each other off, and somehow every argument can turn into something way bigger than what it started as.

But as I’ve gotten older and become my own person, our relationship has gotten so much worse. We honestly fight more now than we did when I was 15.

My mom knows exactly how to hurt me. When we fight, she’ll call me an “evil bitch child” or bring up things I did years ago as proof that I’m apparently this horrible person.

Tonight was probably one of our worst fights in months.

My boyfriend and I have been having some issues lately, and my mom randomly said, “Well, you’re just with him because he’s hot and [professional sport he plays].” I’m purposely leaving out the sport because I don’t want anyone identifying him.

I responded, “No. I’ve dated people richer than him. That doesn’t matter to me.”

She immediately went, “Because we’re SO poor.”
We are not poor. At all. My parents bought their house in Southern California in cash, renovated it, and pay my college tuition. I also never called them poor.

So I said, “Literally nobody said you’re poor.”

And somehow that turned into her bringing up basically every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Normally when conversations get like this, I try to remove myself and say something like, “When you want to have an adult conversation, I’ll be in my room.” Tonight, for a variety of reasons, I could not be the bigger person.

And I want to be clear that I haven’t always handled our relationship perfectly either. Especially as a teenager. I’ve screamed at her. I’ve called her names. I’ve stormed off. I could be absolutely awful when I was 16 or 17, and I regret a lot of it.
But I also feel like I’m permanently being punished for the worst version of myself.

Our relationship especially changed once we developed very different political beliefs. She’s on the right and I’m on the left. Ever since then, it feels like she genuinely hates talking to me sometimes. If I disagree with her or try to have a difficult conversation, she says I’m being condescending or somehow twists what I’m saying into me basically telling her she “should die.”

Earlier TODAY, before this other fight even happened, we were arguing about her helping me move into my new college house. During the car ride she told me, “I’m gonna write a letter for when I die and it’s gonna say ‘fuck you’ and say how horrible of a daughter you are.”

That really fucked with me.

She also knows I struggle badly with OCD surrounding my face and hygiene. It’s something that already makes me incredibly anxious and self-conscious. During fights, she has brought it up and essentially told me I deserve to struggle with it because I’m an evil person.

That’s the part I’m having the hardest time rationalizing.

I understand relationships are a two-way street. I know I’m not some innocent angel who has never raised my voice or said something mean. I’m 21, I’ve made mistakes, and there are absolutely moments where I owe my mom an apology.

But I don’t know if the things she says to me are a normal consequence of two people with a complicated relationship, or if I’ve gotten so used to them that I don’t realize how excessive they are.
Because she’s still my mom. I love her so fucking much. I don’t want to cut her out of my life.
But whenever she talks to me like this, I swear I revert right back to being 17. Suddenly I’m angry, defensive and saying things I thought I had grown out of saying. Then afterward I feel horrible and wonder if her assessment of me is actually right.
I don’t want to go no-contact. I don’t even really want low-contact. I want a relationship with my mom where we can disagree or be angry with each other without trying to emotionally destroy each other.

But I have no idea how to get there, or if it’s even possible when only one person is trying.
Has anyone had a relationship like this with a parent and actually made it better? At what point does “we both have things to work on” become an excuse for someone saying genuinely cruel things to you?

I (21F) take public transportation to work. I'm not a huge fan of it, but it's free, and I'm a broke college student, so it gets the job done.

Growing up, my parents always taught me to put effort into how I present myself. Whether it's a button-down or just a clean T-shirt, they always said, "Look your best, do your best." So that morning I was dressed nicely, but nothing over the top.

As soon as I got on the bus, I noticed an older woman staring me up and down and giving me a dirty look. I figured maybe she was just having a bad day, so I ignored it. I put my headphones in, turned on my music, and minded my own business.

A few minutes later, I noticed people looking around, and there was some sort of commotion. I took my headphones out and realized the same woman was yelling in my direction. I'm slightly hard of hearing (thanks to one too many raves), so I couldn't immediately make out what she was saying.

Then I heard her scream, "So you think you're better than me, bitch?!"

For a second, I honestly thought she was yelling at someone behind me. I turned around... nope.

She was looking directly at me.

At first I tried to ignore her, but I'll admit I'm a pretty confrontational person. If someone comes at me for no reason, my first instinct isn't to sit there and take it. It's gotten me into trouble before, and I know it's not always the smartest reaction.

Eventually I'd had enough. I yelled back, "You're so annoying, you stupid bitch. I hope you have the day you deserve."

The second I said that, she stopped yelling. She got off at the very next stop without saying another word.

Here's where I'm conflicted.

I know the smartest thing to do would have been to ignore her completely because you never know what a random stranger is capable of. Looking back, I know escalating the situation wasn't the safest decision.

But at the same time, I don't understand why I was expected to just sit there and let a complete stranger scream insults at me for absolutely no reason. Several people on the bus acted like I was the problem because I responded instead of just taking the abuse.

I genuinely don't see it that way. She was the one who started screaming at a stranger who was literally sitting there listening to music and minding her own business.

So, Reddit... AITA?

I (21F) have been with my boyfriend (22M) for a little over a year. Recently, our relationship has been struggling, mostly because of communication issues. I often feel like I'm the one trying to stay informed about what's going on in his life, and he tends to leave out details or not communicate changes until after the fact.

I'm currently on the East Coast for work, while he's spending the summer in Boston training for his sport. Because we're long-distance right now, communication has been especially important to me.

For the past week or so, he had been telling me that his flight to Boston was on Friday. It came up multiple times in conversation, and every time he said Friday. Then today, I happened to see his mom's Instagram story and realized he was actually traveling today (Thursday).

What has me anxious isn't necessarily the flight itself. Plans change, and flights get moved all the time. It's that he never mentioned the change to me, despite our talking every day and despite our having discussed his departure date several times.

Normally, I probably wouldn't think much of it, but because we've already been having issues with communication, I can't tell if I'm reacting to this specific situation or to the larger pattern. Part of me thinks it's probably an innocent mistake, while another part of me is wondering why I had to find out through his mother's Instagram instead of hearing it from him.

AIO for feeling uneasy about this, or is this a reasonable thing to be bothered by?