u/Educational-Team9582

I almost reached out to you a few minutes ago. I had the urge to go through some of our pictures again. I saw our videos laughing. I saw the last trip we took, me standing there with flowers fully unaware of the bomb that was about to explode. At the airport; where the security guard wanted to check your phone and standing behind you I saw evidence of something I had burried but felt deep in my subconscious. I knew it was too good to be true. In some ways. I definitely neglected a lot of things that were obviously not right, but would have never expected to find betrayal behind everything else.
I still can’t understand it. I never will. There is no world where I can understand how anyone can do something like this to another person. That they claim to love. And wanting to marry. Asking my parents for my hand. I just can’t understand nor will I ever. And maybe that’s a good thing.
Deep in my soul there is a crack from this day on and there is never going to be my old self again. She died right there. And I am yet to find out what the new version of me will bring. And despite everything, there is hope. I don’t know where this is coming from, but all I know is that beneath everything that may happen to me in this world, I hope nothing will ever take away my optimistic and deeply spiritual outlook on life. Everything happens for a reason. Even this. Even when I can’t believe it at all.
I will never understand the why, I will never be able to „close“ that fully unless I decide to. And I know there is no other option than that. In weak moments I think of reaching out and asking for a „how“ and a „why“. But shortly after I realize, the person on the photos, videos and in my memory never existed to begin with. It was the 70% version. When I really deserved to know the 100% version of you.

I’ve broken up after finding out my Ex-Partner was a PA, tbh it was less about the fact that he was watching porn. He had was using Viagra to cover up his ED as I later found out, but much more about the lying and betraying involved. Now, 3 months after the break-up I find myself in a slightly difficult situation as I am starting to slowly date again and am super worried about a)telling people what happened and b) ever trusting a man again. I think also my sexuality has been impacted since I lost my entire libido after finding out. On top, I‘ve told very close friends what happened and others I told he was basically cheating as he sexted other women online. I‘ve received quite disturbing responses (also from Women?!) if this was really that bad (I‘m surprised not everyone agrees that lying and betraying in a relationship is absolute no go and if you’re not married/have kids you should RUN!). But anyway, I wonder if anyone can share of their experience after the breakup from a PA, what you looked for, what were early signs of PA, how much did you share, etc. Thanks a ton! Any view on this topic is very appreciated!

I was in relationship with a PA for 3 years. When I discovered everything he had hidden and lied to me about I felt that I had simply no other choice than to break up. I gave him multiple occasions to come clean and he had kept lying straight into my face. For me a relationship is nothing without trust, and especially ours was built on international moves and very strong risks for me - which really could not go anywhere without trust.
Yet sometimes I wonder, why did he never tell me proactively? And /or search for help. His excuse in the end was that he didn’t want to hurt me (although in my opinion the biggest pain comes from the lies) and that he had convinced himself he would stop. He was about to propose and he was sure he would not do it anymore once we were married. I think this a very egoistic and unfair behavior in a relationship, at least I should have had a chance to decide if I wanted this kind of a relationship.

I recently broke up with my partner of 3 years after discovering his PA. He had lied to me constantly, and when D-Day happened he still kept lying straight into my face even though I had proof. As if he was simply unable to come clean. The thing that I am really struggling know with though is how to ever trust anyone again and avoid to meet another PA. I’m reading here from so many brave women who left, and then unfortunately got into a new partnership with PA. That really scares me. Are there any early warning signs you would not miss in hindsight? Any tips you would suggest to your best friend to watch out for?

For context: my ex was, apart of the PA, an amazing very supportive Partner, super easy going, humble, very gentle, people all loved him and thought we had a great relationship. We would also talk every week about our feelings (we had like a regular session about our relationship). I thought we communicated very honestly, vulnerable and open. But in hindsight obviously he was always hiding things. The only things that I found suspicious early on was his phone usage (he would never leave it anywhere alone, take it to bathroom, literally everywhere), and that he had ED suddenly (after a very physical initial phase, his libido collapsed to 0 but he was also quite depressed and claimed it on that and generally not being super sexual). I honestly don’t even want to get that far into a relationship where I would see a sudden change to his sexual behavior but rather watch for warning signs earlier.

Ich (34 F) selber habe einen großen Kinderwunsch, jedoch nicht um jeden Preis. Ich habe meine letzte Beziehung bei der Verlobung verlassen, als ich herausgefunden habe, dass mein Partner mich lange betrogen hatte - und für mich ist das keine Beziehung auf die ich eine Familie aufbauen möchte.

Nun fühlt es sich aber so an, als würde sich mein “Window” schließen. Schlimmer noch, ich glaube prinzipiell kann man mit Egg Freezing (was ich durchaus machen möchte) viel Zeit gewinnen, aber ich glaube, dass Männer die einen starken Kinderwunsch hegen vermutlich versuchen würden jemanden jüngere zu daten. Ich hatte bislang nie Probleme Männer grundsätzlich anzuziehen, aber ich frage mich ob das mit 34 nicht alles viel schwieriger wird, da auch ich nun ein großes Päckchen (Betrayal Trauma) mittrage und ich denke auch Männer Mitte 30 - die single sind - vermutlich das auch mit einem gewissen Grund sind. Was denkt die Community? Ist es zu spät um einen Partner mit Kinderwunsch zu finden?

I’ve experienced this particularly in my last relationship but also before that my partner was smelling different on some occasions, almost like a sour onion type of smell. Sometimes also like truffls. I wondered if it was something he had eaten or if the smell could be something else - but it would not disappear even when freshly showered. Or could it be hormonal? Did anyone experience something similar with their partner? It’s a bad small that I almost can’t stand and I wonder if there is something hormonal related to that as well. My ex partner was unfortunately also a porn addict but I don’t think it’s related.

I have been reading many posts of Partners who stay(ed) who are still suffering every day, either because their partner keeps having a relapse, their trust is broken or their self worth is destroyed. I fully understand there are reasons to stay and I also sometimes struggle with my decision to break up right after first D-Day, but I just could not get over the sheer amount of lies and some of the things he had done, which to me are cheating (massage parlors, active sexting, live cam, etc.). Also we were not married (yet) and had no kids.

To anyone who stayed - would you recommend this to your friend, sister, daughter? Do you regret staying in hindsight? Did the reasons to stay initially (good relationship, kids, marriage) change over time?

Ich höre es immer wieder und vielleicht bin ich biased, aber offenbar ist für Männer sexuelle Anziehung anders als bei Frauen und geht häufig ohne emotionale Bindung einher. Zudem höre ich auch, dass Männer sich nach einiger Zeit mit der gleichen Partnerin Abwechslung wünschen. Natürlich geht man dem nicht unbedingt nach, aber stimmt es dass sich viele Männer sexuelle Varietät insgeheim wünschen und nach einer Zeit die eigene Frau/Freundin (auch wenn sie attraktiv ist und man sie zu Beginn sexuell sehr anziehend fand) irgendwann nicht mehr so begehrt? Wie passt die reduzierte
sexuelle Anziehung mit dennoch starken Gefühlen zusammen? Oder bin ich hier auf dem Holzweg.

I need a bit more understanding here. From someone who knows how a PA feels. I‘ve been with PA who has lied to me for 3 years about it. When I found out I broke up with him, since I could simply not forgive the lies and secrecy and the fact that I would never be able to fully trust this person again. We also had other issues.
One thing though stuck with me, I think I‘m a fairly attractive person (at least that was what I‘ve always received as feedback), but I would describe myself more like the lean type. The stuff I discovered he was looking at however was almost the exact opposite of me and very curvy. Is there a type that a PA has and if so why would your not go for the same type in real life? He swore he loved me, found me extremely attractive and it had nothing to do with it. In fact he would compliment me all the time. All his ex girlfriends also were more my body type. But still I just can’t fully get over it, that he seemed to search the complete opposite. He said he looked into different things and /ratemyboobs happens to be a page where people would send a lot of nudes. And he was mainly into the act of people actively sending something rather than their looks itself. Does that make any sense? Can anyone give a bit of insight?

I broke up with him after discovering his PA and that he had lied to me during our entire relationship. I really thought he was the one, he was about to propose and our breakup ended with him even showing me the ring he just had bought for me.
I can’t get over how much I trusted this person, how blind I was or how much I lied to myself that everything was ok. In hindsight there were so many red flags and moments where I should have stood up for myself. But I believed his gaslighting and manipulation and I just can’t believe I am/was that person. I feel so weak, like someone I could have never believed I could be. I know he was an exceptional liar, but still- how could I not see it! I think I was driven by desperately wanted kids and get married, and I don’t know how to ever trust myself again after this. Especially since now 3 years later I feel even more pressure to find „the one“. Any advice?