Feeling down and disappointed my parents and don't know who's fault it is
Hi
Recently I had my finals (end of high school) and got graduated but only reached the bare minimum. My parents also pay me an apartment near my new school, where I am going to study after the summer. I am going to pay a little thanks to my summer job but everything else is up to my parents because they can afford it comfortably. Also I lost touch with them around 2 to 3 years ago, I have been very scared to talk to them, especially my mother because when I got average or bad grades, she would say very harsh things and make me feel down and cry. I found it a little excessive because most of the time, I got good to excellent grades and she'll never say more than just "well done!" and then move on very quickly. I also got a boyfriend at this period who told me that my parents had toxic behaviours with me. As I spent more time with him, I started to notice it and be angry at my parents for making me so anxious, which was re-enforced by my bigger sisters who had experience the same pressure for school success, the same constant critiques about who they were in general and who they hang with. Over the years, my grades started to be less and less good but never terrible, I just get the bare minimal, around half of the points. This year, i also struggled with my mental health a lot and when I didn't feel like working, I'll simply run away and finish everything in the last minute. I also stopped to draw entirely, it was my passion and the thing I lived for just a few months ago and now I feel like everything I make is worthless. The actuality was a source of anxiety as well, I had a few panic attacks about it this year. My relationship with my mother went worse and worse with the time, when I was at my parents on the weekend, I would stay in my bedroom all day so they can't tell I am not working on my class projects. We had argues about my future and the other schools I was rejected from after the entry exam and once I threw a pencil pot at my mother because I was angry at what she said and she didn't get touched but she was scared of me, which I understand. This was a lot of text, now today I have been graduated just with an average grade to my exam and it made my mother very furious. She said that her and my father did everything for me and paid for me and cared about me and that in return I don't give them anything but sh!t. She said she was mad at me for not looking happy, not going out and looking clinically depressed while they do everything for me to be good. I agree with part of this because I didn't ask for help with my school work and with my mental health even though i could have and also am not showing enthusiasm enough when something good happens and also take things for granted while I am privileged and don't open up to people and to the world in general. So I think she is right, maybe she could have say all of this a lot nicer but maybe I don't realise that I am the problem? I would like some advices. Even if it hurts, I can't continue on like this. What could I do to show them that I am just a little sad but not ungrateful of what they did for me?