u/EfficiencyCool9084

If I was still deluded I would be like “any movement is good movement” “this is the bridge of events, he loves me and only me❤️”

Just a week ago I was thinking “he’s the only one I have eyes for”. If I thought about being with someone that isn’t him I would feel sick. and then I recently had an epiphany that I’m good with or without him and that I would be open to someone better. As much as it would hurt me because I do deeply care about him genuinely. We haven’t really been in as much contact with each other so I feel a little distant from him. Like I feel as though I forgot the reasons why I even like him so much because we haven’t spoken on the phone in over a month. If that changed I think I would remember all the reasons why. We’ve been texting at least once a day/ every other day and have had a few instances where he asked to call me but it didn’t happen because he fell asleep after. I’ve had him repeat my affirmations literally word for word he said “I genuinely want to marry you so badly we would be happy af” and “i want to talk to you all the time” and he said that he loves me. So I know how he feels about me. And that has always been my dominant assumption.

I’ve improved my self concept and realized that I do not deserve the hot and cold behavior from him. I have a deep inner knowing that he will show up for me as the best version of himself because he know that he is lucky to have me in his life and he knows that I am valuable. When he does show up for me exactly how I want him to, I’m afraid that I won’t like him anymore. I’m just confused. I feel detached from him but at the same time not, I care about him deeply and I have love for him. I want to be with him. And it hurts my heart to think about ever losing feelings for him. but I’m also getting the “ick” from him sometimes. I’ll get the ick but then be like “aww. Thats my man i still love him”. i have so much genuine love for him but I don’t know if I’m in love with him (we’ve never met in person but have been talking online for almost 2 years) but I definitely think about how our dynamic would be in person. My feelings about him kind of go back and forth its like “I love and care about him” and then “Do I actually like him fr?” I have OCD and intrusive thoughts and its tricky to differentiate if I’m actually questioning my feelings or if its just my ocd seeking certainty (i know I can manifest OCD away but I have no interest to and I embrace my OCD)

I don’t believe I can force him to change. He is on his own journey and I understand he is only human but I like him for who he is. I don’t think that I just like the way he makes me feel. I’ve never been the type of person to develop feelings for guys easily. And thats why I think I was attached to him in the past, because I actually like him. But I know that I deserve better treatment. And I know that this starts from within me. I think that this can potentially be a situation where we can both learn and grow and become better, and come back to each other even stronger. in that situation I would have no doubt about my feelings for him. But as of right now, I’m kind of just like whatever about it. The idea of me not being with him or having him in my life at all breaks my heart because I care about him deeply. Even if we were to end up not being together romantically I would want him in my life platonically. We have always had a strong friendship foundation between us. I am open to the idea of someone better but then I talk to other guys and they don’t make me feel the way that my SP does. Someone would have to really check all the boxes and blow me away for me to lose all of the love that I have for my SP. I think I do have feelings for him I just feel detached because of our limited contact and I feel turned off by the old assumptions I have about him. It scares me to think about him coming back and then me not liking him anymore because I care about him so much.

Is self concept work all that is needed for people to start showing up and treating you how you think you deserve? Or do you also have to change your assumptions about that other person. I don’t want to sit and complain about the old story I want to move on from it. And if he never shows up the way I know I deserve then I know that there are so many guys out there that can do that for me. It hurts me to think about potentially moving on if I decide that I should but I know I will end up being okay with or without him.

I would like to preface by saying that I do have OCD and I suspect that this might just be an obsession about developing psychosis and not actually psychosis in itself but I want to be able to differentiate.

I’ve been experiencing very specific synchronicities, and seeing a lot of angel numbers. I’ve always seen angel numbers as a little wink from the universe, nothing more. If I see them I don’t take it as a huge thing but just a little “you’re on the right path”. But it’s gotten to the point where I will barely check the time, and constantly see angel numbers. Like what are the chances of that? I hold the belief that the universe is looking out for me and everything will work out for me. I’ve also started to do affirmations and manifestations which has led me down a rabbit hole. Some of the people in the manifestation communities are probably medically delusional but it can be done in a healthy way to improve aspects of your life. I have manifested things that seem bizarre and I think to myself “was that going to happen anyway?” I by no means believe that I am a god or that I have superpowers but I believe in metaphysics, non duality and a collective consciousness.

Reddit is bad for my OCD. The fact that I’m even posting this is me reassurance seeking. I start reading posts on reddit and think “Omg, is this me? Do i have this? Am i going to end up like this person?” These synchronicities and experiences did not cause me any distress until I started searching on reddit “is this psychosis or not??”. So thats why I’m convinced it’s just my OCD itself causing me distress. Also, my algorithms are showing me schizo conspiracy instagram reels, I swear they do that shit on purpose but I just click not interested. I used to smoke a lot of weed but stopped because it made me paranoid most of the time. I’ve done LSD once, it was slightly distressing for me as I am a naturally anxious person but overall it made me feel more empathy towards people and more optimistic about life. I will never do psychedelics or smoke weed again because of my fear of developing psychosis. As far as family history goes, I’m not aware of psychosis or schizophrenia being in my family. A lot of my older family members were deeply religious but not bizarre about it.

I still believe in all of these things and I try my best to stay grounded in reality at all times. Thats the best I can do to prevent it right? I would say I am a very rational logical person for the most part but I do have these beliefs that are hard to understand and can’t be proven which can lead to confusion.
I would call myself a pragmatic skeptic. I am skeptical and believe simultaneously, which sounds contradictory but it can help people stay grounded while on their spiritual journey.