u/Elegant-Mushroom-566

I used to cut, I don’t anymore, I don’t have a date for when the last time I did it is but I don’t think it was ever an “addiction“ in the same way other people describe it as.

it was a coping mechanis tho

but I’ve started doing other things, when I’m stressed, overwhelmed or angry I hit myself and throw things. hurting myself in ways like scratching my skin and hitting my head off things and I just want to know if anyone has any mechanisms that don’t include hurting yourself, even in ways that don’t leave marks

i don’t really know what other info to add but I don’t want to hurt myself. this doesn’t happen often, once or twice a month.

I cant remove the things that trigger it because the biggest problem is things that my stepdad says or does so I can’t stop it

I’m also diagnosed autistic if that means anything, I’m pretty low support needs, snd dont get much help because I can “cope on my own” but said coping usually helps hurting myself

adding that so the nature of my outbursts makes sense

usually I get really light periods, I used to be pretty malnourished and would only get my period every 2-3 months but now I’m locking in on my heath

but I think my periods have gotten worse because of this, for the last 4 months I’ve had a horrible day one, in pain, can’t leave the bathroom, throwing up. I end up just taking pain killers then sitting in the shower for an hour or so before going back to bed.

but then the rest is ok. I don’t feel much, flow isn’t crazy and It only lasts around 5 days.

is this normal? Im not complaining too much because I could be in that much pain for the entire week but it only really lasts 7 or so hours then I’m basically ok just tired and dehydrate.

other info incase its relevant; im 17 so apparently somtimes things aren’t fully developed or somthing also my mum gets really heavy periods, like bleeding through pads level bad, which is so thing ive never had to deal with

also my cycle lengh is really inconsistent, itll stay the same for 6 or so months then change, switching back and forth between 34 days and 26, the pain is worse when im on a 26 day cycycle

any advice or info would be nice thank you!

throw away for pretty obvious reasons

im being groomed, I know I am, that’s what this is, you don’t need to tell me that’s what it is I’m just trying to get my feelings into the ether so I can stop thinking about it

big trigger warnings for, nsfw, porn things and a little bit of self harm and eating disorder

“ story“ september 2024 I was on nswf tumblr selling pictures of peoples names carves into my arms and thighs because i was depressed as fuck and wanted money, and apparently people get off on that kind of attention.(i had the age 19 in my bio, I was 16 at the time. I know that that realistically means that anything that happened was my fault so I feel like I need to add it into the story) But this guy didn’t want me to hurt myself. He wanted to see my body, know what clothes I was wearing, how I would like to be fucked everything. and I gave it all up. it was somthing new so I folded. then after he got off to it he said he was going to keep me, called me puppy. only problem he said he was 45

i had my rules on tumblr; I wouldn’t show my full naked body, would only talk to people for one night, nobody saw my face, nobody got to know where I live, and I would only speak to people on tumblr

I broke the first rule the first night, and I broke the second rule by talking to him in the morning. it took 2 weeks of him asking for my number before we movies to WhatsApp. then around 4 months before I showed my face. we would call, text, just talk. It was making me happy, I stopped cutting, started eating more. it felt good. I felt happy.

a month or so goes past. I get nervous every time we call, and he laughs at me for it. says it’s cute. but he tells me he’s actually 49. I should have told him my true age but I’m didn’t. instead I start to self sabotage. ”you should leave me” “I’m not good enough for you” “maybe I’m just a bad partner“ I hurt myself because he doesn’t like it, I try to make him end it because I know I can’t physically bare to do so.

im still In school, admitting it’s online and all form home. I tell him I took a few years out and I’m catching up. which is half true, this is the first time I’m trying again. he’s making me happy, but also making me stressed.

we “play” he looks at my body, I get to see what that “does to him” I enjoyed it. I felt like I was loved. but the stress is getting to me. we have a lot of ‘normal’ time, sometimes he just feels like a friend, we talk, he would look at my art, he would show me his flowers. it was nice

then he told me he had a kid. I can’t remember when it was, it was on call, I remember that. 5 year old girl. mother left because she “couldn’t handle the kid crying“ I felt scared. this was too much for me but also I felt weirldly protective of this girl. my dad walked out, I don’t know what I would of done without my mother. I wondered what her life is like

it takes a year, just under a year for me to tell him my age. I was 17 when I finally told him. he was used to me crying about things, I said he would hate me, he said that he could never hate me and I should just tell him what was wrong. so I did.

I was scared but he said it was ok. he knew he was talking to a 17 year old and he said it was ok. I was stressed out for days. I thought he hated me, I thought he wouldn’t love me, but after a month things got better

I was more relaxed, calmer, trying harder in my classes, in my art. we were talking more and about more things. we watch movies together, he talks about shows and music I need to check out, I show him the things I like and he watches them with me. we say we love each other. talk about meeting up when I’m 18, when I’m done with my exams and get my education sorted. he wants me to be educated, wants me to get a degree in art, says he wants me healthy.

he talks about sex a lot, so do I. I feel safe talking to him and I genuinely want to be with him. it’s been 20 month, he’s everything to me. I talk to him about everthing, we call almost every day. I get happy whenever he sends me photos and i like to send them back.

but im still scared that it’s all a lie. how far would someone go if it wasnt true. I don’t know what could happen or what could go wrong, I’m just stressed and scared but I can’t bring myself to end it because he is all I have

tl:dr: I was 16 he was 49 been talking for almost 2 years but I don’t want to end it and don’t know what to do

throw away for pretty obvious reasons

im being groomed, I know I am, that’s what this is, you don’t need to tell me that’s what it is I’m just trying to get my feelings into the ether so I can stop thinking about it

big trigger warnings for, nsfw, porn things and a little bit of self harm and eating disorder

“ story“ september 2024 I was on nswf tumblr selling pictures of peoples names carves into my arms and thighs because i was depressed as fuck and wanted money, and apparently people get off on that kind of attention.(i had the age 19 in my bio, I was 16 at the time. I know that that realistically means that anything that happened was my fault so I feel like I need to add it into the story) But this guy didn’t want me to hurt myself. He wanted to see my body, know what clothes I was wearing, how I would like to be fucked everything. and I gave it all up. it was somthing new so I folded. then after he got off to it he said he was going to keep me, called me puppy. only problem he said he was 45

i had my rules on tumblr; I wouldn’t show my full naked body, would only talk to people for one night, nobody saw my face, nobody got to know where I live, and I would only speak to people on tumblr

I broke the first rule the first night, and I broke the second rule by talking to him in the morning. it took 2 weeks of him asking for my number before we movies to WhatsApp. then around 4 months before I showed my face. we would call, text, just talk. It was making me happy, I stopped cutting, started eating more. it felt good. I felt happy.

a month or so goes past. I get nervous every time we call, and he laughs at me for it. says it’s cute. but he tells me he’s actually 49. I should have told him my true age but I’m didn’t. instead I start to self sabotage. ”you should leave me” “I’m not good enough for you” “maybe I’m just a bad partner“ I hurt myself because he doesn’t like it, I try to make him end it because I know I can’t physically bare to do so.

im still In school, admitting it’s online and all form home. I tell him I took a few years out and I’m catching up. which is half true, this is the first time I’m trying again. he’s making me happy, but also making me stressed.

we “play” he looks at my body, I get to see what that “does to him” I enjoyed it. I felt like I was loved. but the stress is getting to me. we have a lot of ‘normal’ time, sometimes he just feels like a friend, we talk, he would look at my art, he would show me his flowers. it was nice

then he told me he had a kid. I can’t remember when it was, it was on call, I remember that. 5 year old girl. mother left because she “couldn’t handle the kid crying“ I felt scared. this was too much for me but also I felt weirldly protective of this girl. my dad walked out, I don’t know what I would of done without my mother. I wondered what her life is like

it takes a year, just under a year for me to tell him my age. I was 17 when I finally told him. he was used to me crying about things, I said he would hate me, he said that he could never hate me and I should just tell him what was wrong. so I did.

I was scared but he said it was ok. he knew he was talking to a 17 year old and he said it was ok. I was stressed out for days. I thought he hated me, I thought he wouldn’t love me, but after a month things got better

I was more relaxed, calmer, trying harder in my classes, in my art. we were talking more and about more things. we watch movies together, he talks about shows and music I need to check out, I show him the things I like and he watches them with me. we say we love each other. talk about meeting up when I’m 18, when I’m done with my exams and get my education sorted. he wants me to be educated, wants me to get a degree in art, says he wants me healthy.

he talks about sex a lot, so do I. I feel safe talking to him and I genuinely want to be with him. it’s been 20 month, he’s everything to me. I talk to him about everthing, we call almost every day. I get happy whenever he sends me photos and i like to send them back.

but im still scared that it’s all a lie. how far would someone go if it wasnt true. I don’t know what could happen or what could go wrong, I’m just stressed and scared but I can’t bring myself to end it because he is all I have

tl:dr: I was 16 he was 49 been talking for almost 2 years but I don’t want to end it and don’t know what to do