Loneliness
Hi, I'm 22f. I waana go deep abt sth really seriously here and it's important for me. I have never had a bf before. No boys are trying to talk to me or I try to talk to them. I'm at uni last year. I don't have any friends in real, just I have a friend in the class and a fee ppl I say hi when I see, that's all. So, I don't go anywhere with any friend or doing an activty bc I don't have. Weird part is coming... I was grown up with boys when I was little, playing football outside. All my friends were male. Later, as I grew, I stoped talking to them as well. Bc I was being a teenager. Interesting part is when I was in primary school, I was feeling that I had feeling to girls slowly. Later, it grew and grew as the time passed. I had girl crushes in the high school, I desired them but I didn't do anything, I stoped myself. I was never interested in boys. Even, when my girl friends were talking abt boys among them in high school, I was walking away bc I didn't like it. Btw, I'm muslim. So, it's forbidden for me. I can not be with a girl. I stoped myself till uni 2 class. In the second class' summer, I met a girl as online, and we had a long distance relationship for 7 months. It was like a dream. It was so good. For the first time, I felt loved in my life. And I learnt how it feels like at least. Later we broke up and after 3 months, I started to talk to another girl but this time everything was different, she was a manipulator, we had a long distance situationship for 5 months, at the begining it was good but later she hurt me a lot. She was an avoidant and manipulator at the same time. She used me. I was hurt a lot and a lot bc I was the one giving my all. Later, I swear to God, I won't have anything with a girl again. I gave a promise. Even my first ex texted again but I told her I gave a promise I can not do thar again. Later, for months, I tried to focus on myself, regulate my nerve system bc the last girl fucked my nerve system, I was feeling nauseous all the time bc of her pull and push cycle. Lately, I was doing great but I have a high libido and sex drive, I'm so young, so I wad feeling alone, I started to talk to a girl again online last week, but I was remembering my promise to God. I was lonely, so I thought maybe I can talk to feed my need at least a bit, being flirty. But, in 1 week, I went so fast, our conversations became like a couple, so close, especially I couldn't hold myself. And I remembered my promise, I felt I broke it and I felt so bad. So, I told her I don't wanna hurt you, I can not do it like that anymore. She likes to sleep while being on the call with me, we did that a few times just bc she wanted it but I really don't like that. So, idk why I gave that false hope, I just missed being flirty but I stoped now and I feel soo sad bc I just want a straight relationship. I just want to be loved by a man in real. I don't wanna engage with those stupid chidish, online stuff but I do feel lonely. Idk why I have feeling to girls but it's been since my childhood and I don't like it. I just want to experience sth real and expliciy. It's so funny that how guys are never interested in me. I need ur opinions, advices, guys.