I've been doing Muay Thai for nearly 3 years now and yesterday the first issue happened. We always check if the other is hurt, especially if we need to avoid someone who is recovering from x or y, everyone is incredibly friendly, and very wide range of ages. I am often trusted with beginners on sparring exactly because I'm very aware of how to go light, I give feedback mid-fight and I even have this odd habit of praising people if they landed a hell of a hit on me.

Tonight we were on some kind of tiny convention sparring (don't know the term in English). I'm used to facing people in an above weight class, and two of the 5 people I faced on 7 rounds were at least two leagues above me, I knew I would "lose", and I don't mind that, it is training, losing means spotting your errors and to me that usually means "watch out for the left hook damn it".

Against the Commander of the City's watch

One of them though, and I swear to god he looked like Janos Slynt from game of thrones. I'm pretty sure this guy has about 15kg over me and was basically boxing with me, and when I landed a kick on him, he didn't like it. He started to hit harder, and after a jab landed, i took another before losing balance as I tried to gain distance (could not see if i'd get a knee).

After I put my hand on the ground and tried to orient myself I got another two free punches for no reason. I came back swinging as soon as I got a chance, and the teacher finally intervened. Guy started yelling at me like it was a street fight saying I don't know the rules, and that I kicked him hard as if that had to do with anything.

I confirmed with a buddy watching that this was not a knocking me out delusion of what happened, and the teacher put him on the punching bag while I continued sparring for 5 rounds with zero issues, one dude in fact that I could not land on his head (no mouth protection) and his leg was hurt but we just wanted to have fun, and we did.

...What the hell was that?

We took a group photo, teacher did the Muay Thai thing where we slap hands going from the higher grade to the smaller, and when this guy's turn came to me, I just made clear I wouldn't do it. No ugly face, no taunting, I just kept my hands at shoulder height, looked away shaking my head and to me if he had a problem with that he'd talk with the teacher and we'd talk things there.

I never did that before because I never needed to, I had many situations where either me, or my opponent look like wanted to harm the other and in all the times we checked, spoke things through and we even hugged. Never a "you're lying" and yelling thing. I don't respect that, and I'm not gonna pretend there was good sportmanship there.

Instead of just grumbling, or receiving an insult as I expected, the guy took the hand that would slap mine and slapped my face. Not hard, but enough for me to feel a bit. He just moved on with a smug smile to the person beside me.

I bitch-slapped the shit out of Janos Slynt for the entire floor to hear and moved out of the wall as he was still processing wide-eyed.

...I don't think this man on his 50s with white hair on his almost bald head expected any consequences for doing that. And as he was outrageously again calling me a liar and saying he didn't touch me and he has powerful friends in court. He was absolutely fuming but he did not dare step forward after as I stared at him with a death glare.

I apologized to the class and to the teacher for the disruption and when the teacher said he wanted to talk to me to hear both sides, I told he could give the next class and I'd wait. I told the story, showed what the guy did and the teacher told me to not worry about it, this guy apparently has a hot-head reputation and we'll talk better on our next class.

So I'm waiting for that.

So... have you ever had a situation where someone obviously acted out of malice? Did you ever bitchslap someone from game of thrones? How was it?

I am trying to return to learning Japanese (i was close to a conversational level over a decade ago) and maaaaaan...

I recall when lingodeer would teach actual structure on sentences but it seems they went on the duolingo hype and remade their course in AI, as it feels similar but it throws a lot of words and tiny rules they didn't present so you'll get wrong on purpose and say you need more classes.

I found one called Alphabird that does something a little clever on replacing a few charcters with kana, on some sentences to adjust your brain, but it feels like a slideshow of talking to chat GPT so i'm just waiting for it to hallucinate.

And those are the "good" ones, I can't find tenguGo anymore and there is a lot of obviously vibecoded content, makes it painful to not have the money to go to an actual teacher.

Can anyone point me out to online resources that are community approved?

I am using Tokyo Night and today I opened Obsidan an the callout colors were all different and less saturated. I assume it was an update, but if i open obsidian settings it tells me i can update the theme so i'm not sure it is that?

I am currently on my vault being that dbza Cell meme "It doesn't bother me... it doesn't bother me... IT BOTHERS ME, IT BOTHERS ME A LOT"

I had so much planned for your birthday. Well, planned is a strong word, I threw a lot of things in the air and I was ready to catch one of them the moment you remotely accepted one of them.

All of them involved doing my best to make you feel whole and loved. Instead for both our sakes I could not even wish you happy birthday. You once asked if I was willing to make a stationery shop for you and I told you that for you I’d make a whole library. Yet there we were. It killed me the whole month.

Given mine is approaching, I wonder if you feel the same with the standards that I’ve made, given the terms you set.

There is a lot of revolt in my heart. About how you treated me, about how you hurt me, of how I really, really can’t afford in my heart to trust you anymore. I’m sure the same goes for you as well. I don’t know anymore what makes me keep coming back to that, but I’d be lying if I don’t terribly miss you.

You don’t need to bother with my birthday, but if you feel the same, you know exactly what I want. You know exactly what would shatter any preconception and argument against you and absolutely shatter my guard. I’m not asking for any permanent effort, just an “I’m trying” that actually means it for someone that was capable of going to hell and back alone.

Maybe the motives I come back, are because I don’t suppose that endeavor would be infeasible for someone who meant all their dreams about us together, however weird we might me. The same way it would not futile for me to make yet another exception to risk it one more time for someone so enchanting to me, to hold her hands and tell it is okay.

The reasonable part of me knows you will not do it. But so far the reasonable part of me has not been able to make me fall asleep like you used to. I’d like to think that the terrified parts of you, that haunt with sleepless nights are still no louder than the moments I managed to make you feel asleep, but it is not up to me to prove that for ourselves, and you’ve always known that.

“You set the terms, you can change them”

I will format a laptop with PikaOS on it, and reinstall it.

It is encrypted, I'd like to preserve the /home partition and just format boot and root partitions during the installing. Now, I know how to do that, but I never formatted individual partitions when encrypted.

Googling around only shows the basics of formatting a linux computer (which I know) and encrypting a partition (which I know less, but I also do know), not a guide to both.

Is there anything I should keep in mind even though I'm going to use the same password that is already there?

Lately I’m doing mostly alright but there is a slight urge of wanting to go to bed, and when i go to bed a rush to just wake up the next day. Today I just woke up missing her.

In break ups there is a lot of talk on how you miss the feeling not the person, but… no, I do miss her. Maybe that works for short relationships or relationships that have long died before they ended, but in those moments where I’m not depressed yet some part of me wants to press “skip” because she isn’t there, I do miss her.

I miss the person I was with her, too. Our laughs, our inside jokes, the emotional intimacy, the sexual intimacy. I don’t want to look for someone like her, I don’t want to be wanted by everyone or anyone I want to be wanted by her. Likewise, I’m not trying to decorate the future I wanted with her, or the memory of her, as if it was perfect.

In my mind it was far from being a fairy tale, there was never a moment where I wished for someone like her and simply assumed “Oh it will go smoothly” or “Oh I totally want someone with those problems for me to fix”. Rather… I figure that choosing to be there and face those issues when I didn’t need to, is part of what would have told her that she was always worth it.

Of course, nothing of that beats the fact that a love so worth it would want to be with you in the first place. And as much as part of me wants to scramble and look for her phone number or check wherever she might be online some day, doesn’t stop I need to keep distance to not get hurt over and over for the same things that had her push me away.

There is a huge part of me that would tells me that we’d take her back no questions asked if she had just addressed those issues, and I probably would. I’m that much of a sucker for her, but… it is barely worth the mention when this has been said before and went to deaf ears, isn’t it?

I had pretty good moments this week, and I briefly thought about how I wanted you by my side. I had terrible moments this week, and I should be used to not having you to me by now.

I remember how you made everything easier, bearable, I found written in my book notes that “In all the painful nights I saw no future for me, you made me smile”, now I have nightmares.

I’m not throwing this on your face, I’m not… begging you for anything, though I know if you decide to read this you’ll likely feel bad. I’m saying exactly reflecting the feeling of you feeling bad about it, as weird as it sounds…

You hate when I point out your blame for something, you fight back, but you fought for me all the same when I lifted all the consuming guilt over things I saw as completely justifiable for you to do.

I know the validation you seek over previous, awful exes that hurt you so deeply, I know of the guilt you feel over us and others that harbored you on the worst of moments. But when you get agitated, when you run, when you self harm… I think you confuse home with quiet, loneliness… and knowing your family, I don’t even know if you ever had that.

It is not an accusation, just… were we ever a home to you? When you were quiet, sober or just adorably drunk, when you finally accepted all you needed to do to make us happy was exist. Did it ever felt like a home?

Because you were mine.

No shame in admitting that.

But all your shame… all your panic of being wrong and not being able to escape once you settled in and lowered your guard… with all the time and concessions that we made to accommodate you… with all the plans in life I know you made for us… that I know you wanted, and it wasn’t enough but you mourned them anyway.

…were you ever home with it?

I know were never be able to answer me what would it take to follow through with it, otherwise you’d be here because you know for a fact I would have made it happen, and I know you loved me, deeply, for as much as we hurt each other… but could I have ever been the home you needed so much?

Ankama does kill a lot of its games, even taking some harmless ones from the play store on mobile (dofus pogo), but for the life of me when they brought a lot of their games to Steam I have no idea why Islands of Wakfu didn't, it remained an xbox 360 exclusive.

I think I had the first few days since… ever that I felt okay about us. I accidentally slipped into some bad habits of limerence and how I used to purge it and rebuild myself from there, seemed to work like a charm, I knew it wasn’t healthy but it is the one thing I never could try with you.

It is like I could breath again, almost as well when you returned to my life. But it didn’t feel right. There are tiny glimpses of you when I try to live anything. Ever so tiny little bits that I’d love to share with you on what I was doing, only to realize if we worked things out I wouldn’t need to because you’d be there.

Your last words did not hurt me at all but when those bits come to my mind, somehow they sting. It stings that you felt like you needed to hurt me. I know the state of mind you were in that day and the night you might have had must have been even worse than the last couple I had since you broke no contact, but still…

I tried to say goodbye again by making sure you knew I couldn’t hate you and you somehow got caught off guard and even tried to insult the people that, unlike you, decided to be near me. You tried to tell me you were on a worse spot by being alone as if that was conveniently not your choice.

You hate to be pointed that out and I know you have so many reasons for that, but after the abandonment one can’t help but feel you just picked everything we had and threw in the trash. I hate it. I hate that you did that.

…And I hate that I still can’t wish you harm.

I try to make you go away by saying I can’t trust you even if I looked you in the eye, but we all know I’d ignore any of the best, obvious advice to take care of you in my arms. I’m such a fucking idiot but I hate the thought of you alone and hurt.

I hate that others can’t know how deeply cared and loved I felt when you got your guard down, how hilarious we are together. I hate how others can’t imagine how deeply I know the reasons why you act like that.

But also at this point I hate how you run, or you think you need to get at your own pace when you really don’t know what that means… Or how you is such a leap of fate for us to just have a relationship like any other, just different from the quirks we have.

I miss you more than anything and yet somehow I dread your messages. Maybe if I could see your face I’d act different but I can’t for the life of me trust any word you’d say after “hi”. I know everyone would say it is better this way, but I think we both know, from our best laughs to our darkest moments keeping us company that we know this isn’t quite true.

This last few weeks led me to a full burnout, people think I’m tired because of the surgery or the meds but it is really not that. I’m just depressed, and sleeping terribly. I couldn’t go to muay thai again so… I thought it would be just a worse version of the other days.

I wet back to bed, slept again… woke up on the afternoon and I thought it would be that, but after I went to buy some of the meds, I finally managed to spend two hours cooking pickles. My mother was thrilled and I was convinced to make pineseed ones tomorrow (which probably doesn’t make sense to anyone outside of where I live).

I managed to enjoy a bit of the aquariums today and top off the water, check how they’re doing… and play for almost two hours which was something I wasn’t doing either.

I didn’t make models for the game, I didn’t write any articles for the site… I just… tried to focus on making my day one percent better. I really want to say I’m proud of myself for that, but i feel like it took my whole week to just do that for this one day, but I did it.

I decided to write this because today it is a day I am tired, just needed to work and play something on the background, not something I know the song just… something while I keep quiet and work… and I just couldn’t find it.

Ai music always sounds like a “sample” to me. That is the only way I can put it. Even songs I did like felt repetitive, missing something.

I’m no musician, I don’t know the name of most genres I like when I hear as song, much less have the knowledge to express myself regarding music so I can’t quite put the word into it. But the last few months it has been hard to find good music on youtube.

And I’m not talking as someone who is browsing music searches and then is like “AHAAAA! Let’s shit on this one!”, I mean as someone leaving autoplay while working and having to stop to go to next. I’m also not talking about hating one song and saying “Ha, I bet it is AI”, even though I do not like a lot of music styles.

From the perspective of whoever makes those songs, I should be a great audience, I shouldn’t be able to know if a song I’m not paying attention is AI, I do have niches that they are making more often, such as Japanese instruments + rock, or Celtic rock/techno, and to a lesser extent eletroswing… but I can’t sit still on their playlists… I end up stopping, sometimes checking on comments and… yeah, AI.

Cheerful songs I can tell because the voice never really changes tone, which is a bit funny to me because you’d think in a world people can enjoy vocaloid songs for 20 years that wouldn’t be the thing setting it back but it is.

Then there is even something that is meant to be repetitive such as chillstep or lofi there is something on my mind that goes “this seems off”. I’m pretty sure some AI bro with 290 IQ will say because I’m a 2D artist I’m just annoyed or something, but music is the one thing I figured I’d have to just live with it because there is too much, and I have zero skills on picking up, especially if I’m busy. This was just a night I had to click way too many times on the youtube tab I had open.

PS: I do think it is kinda funny that AI generated voice in general does look very real yet youtube takes the shittiest generator to auto-dub videos.