u/Entire_Classroom149

I am a stay at home mom and hardly ever do anything outside of our regular routine. Over the years with my husband I have realized that he doesn’t like spontaneous outings especially on the weekends because that is his down time. If we do have weekend plans, I give him 1-2 weeks notice with many reminders.

My sister invited me to go with her to the ballet this weekend. I have told him and he was frustrated at the short notice (2 days). I told him I will give him more notice where I can, but I’m not going to miss out on something because I like being spontaneous and he doesn’t. I will cater to him where possible, but I’m not going to sacrifice my fun for his absolute complete comfort.

He wasn’t happy about it, but wasn’t causing issue. Now I found out what time it is and it starts at 7:30 pm. I knew he would be upset about this, because it would mean that not only does he have to be the sole parent on a weekend, it would be a solo bedtime routine. Which I get is hard with kids, but we have very well behaved kids and they will be happy to stay up late and wait for me to get home. There is also many times when he isn’t feeling good, or I just happen to do all of bedtime routine (hair, teeth, pajamas). I acknowledge that getting them settled for bed by himself would be different from the usual routine, but not impossible.

Anyways, when I tell him the time he is obviously frustrated, we exchange words and I basically said I don’t like the example he is setting. I want my girls to grow up to find a partner who supports them in the little things that make them happy. I don’t like when he treats me in a way that I wouldn’t want my girls to be treated. They will find people like him to be with and I want them to learn that a partner is supposed to support you, and prioritize what is important to you.

He goes to our room. I came in and sat next to him in our bed. There was an uncomfortable vibe and I just asked him if he was going to be cold to me now because of this. That is the usual pattern. Here is where I don’t know if I’m wrong. I have a history of being abused by my mom and also by my spouse many years ago (same one I’m with). I have grown a very big back bone now and will not tolerate mistreatment. I don’t know if he is mistreating me by having this energy when I deviate from the norm and make plans that he feels inconvenience him. I also feel annoyed because I would never treat him how he treats me in these situations. Is this emotional manipulation, or am I so sensitive to being manipulated that I’m perceiving it wrongly? I know he is okay to feel how he feels. I just want him to pretend he doesn’t or just hold his tongue or something. Am I wrong for that? Sometimes I wish I had a partner who was a yes man and just had an overall more easy going vibe. I’m very easy going and I am adaptable, and it is so frustrating to know I would handle this situation with kindness and care, where as he is just abrasive and cold. I feel like if I step out of line, we are bound to argue. And I don’t back down with what I see as unfair or mistreatment.

The last thing we said was basically comparing sacrifices. He said he sacrifices by working a hard job everyday. I pointed out that he would work whether he had a family or not. He said he would work an easier job, and I called his bluff because I just sit believe that. He shut up when I mentioned that I’m about to go give the children a bath, which he has NEVER done is almost 7 years, and that I sacrifice my career and education to mother these kids and I can’t even have one Saturday night out without a fight.

Update: I spoke to him last night after the kids went to sleep. We don’t have these types of conversations in front of them. I told him that this behavior is not okay, it is toxic and I will not have him behaving this way in front of the kids. I pointed out that he thinks it is okay, or he wouldn’t have done that in front of them. He basically said he understood but that didn’t feel good enough. I told him that this is abusive behavior and whatever fueled it was not an excuse. He agreed that it was not okay, but said we had a different opinion of what abuse was. He reiterated that it wasn’t okay and that he would not be doing this in the future. I think it’s going to be a lot harder than that. I guess I just have to wait and see and make sure I don’t lose my conviction. He really is a good man and father. I suspect he is on the spectrum or coddled by his mom in order to never feel discomfort. His comfort is a pretty high priority and with how I was raised it can sometimes be easy to cater to him and be a peace maker. I’m done doing that though. Thank you for the out pouring of response to help me pull my head out of my ass. One thing I think is worth mentioning: we were both raised Mormon and the traditional roles and abuse like that is basically in the handbook. We are both trying to unlearn the things we were taught.

I am a stay at home mom and hardly ever do anything outside of our regular routine. Over the years with my husband I have realized that he doesn’t like spontaneous outings especially on the weekends because that is his down time. If we do have weekend plans, I give him 1-2 weeks notice with many reminders.

My sister invited me to go with her to the ballet this weekend. I have told him and he was frustrated at the short notice (2 days). I told him I will give him more notice where I can, but I’m not going to miss out on something because I like being spontaneous and he doesn’t. I will cater to him where possible, but I’m not going to sacrifice my fun for his absolute complete comfort.

He wasn’t happy about it, but wasn’t causing issue. Now I found out what time it is and it starts at 7:30 pm. I knew he would be upset about this, because it would mean that not only does he have to be the sole parent on a weekend, it would be a solo bedtime routine. Which I get is hard with kids, but we have very well behaved kids and they will be happy to stay up late and wait for me to get home. There is also many times when he isn’t feeling good, or I just happen to do all of bedtime routine (hair, teeth, pajamas). I acknowledge that getting them settled for bed by himself would be different from the usual routine, but not impossible.

Anyways, when I tell him the time he is obviously frustrated, we exchange words and I basically said I don’t like the example he is setting. I want my girls to grow up to find a partner who supports them in the little things that make them happy. I don’t like when he treats me in a way that I wouldn’t want my girls to be treated. They will find people like him to be with and I want them to learn that a partner is supposed to support you, and prioritize what is important to you.

He goes to our room. I came in and sat next to him in our bed. There was an uncomfortable vibe and I just asked him if he was going to be cold to me now because of this. That is the usual pattern. Here is where I don’t know if I’m wrong. I have a history of being abused by my mom and also by my spouse many years ago (same one I’m with). I have grown a very big back bone now and will not tolerate mistreatment. I don’t know if he is mistreating me by having this energy when I deviate from the norm and make plans that he feels inconvenience him. I also feel annoyed because I would never treat him how he treats me in these situations. Is this emotional manipulation, or am I so sensitive to being manipulated that I’m perceiving it wrongly? I know he is okay to feel how he feels. I just want him to pretend he doesn’t or just hold his tongue or something. Am I wrong for that? Sometimes I wish I had a partner who was a yes man and just had an overall more easy going vibe. I’m very easy going and I am adaptable, and it is so frustrating to know I would handle this situation with kindness and care, where as he is just abrasive and cold. I feel like if I step out of line, we are bound to argue. And I don’t back down with what I see as unfair or mistreatment.

The last thing we said was basically comparing sacrifices. He said he sacrifices by working a hard job everyday. I pointed out that he would work whether he had a family or not. He said he would work an easier job, and I called his bluff because I just sit believe that. He shut up when I mentioned that I’m about to go give the children a bath, which he has NEVER done is almost 7 years, and that I sacrifice my career and education to mother these kids and I can’t even have one Saturday night out without a fight.

Update: I spoke to him last night after the kids went to sleep. We don’t have these types of conversations in front of them. I told him that this behavior is not okay, it is toxic and I will not have him behaving this way in front of the kids. I pointed out that he thinks it is okay, or he wouldn’t have done that in front of them. He basically said he understood but that didn’t feel good enough. I told him that this is abusive behavior and whatever fueled it was not an excuse. He agreed that it was not okay, but said we had a different opinion of what abuse was. He reiterated that it wasn’t okay and that he would not be doing this in the future. I think it’s going to be a lot harder than that. I guess I just have to wait and see and make sure I don’t lose my conviction. He really is a good man and father. I suspect he is on the spectrum or coddled by his mom in order to never feel discomfort. His comfort is a pretty high priority and with how I was raised it can sometimes be easy to cater to him and be a peace maker. I’m done doing that though. Thank you for the out pouring of response to help me pull my head out of my ass. One thing I think is worth mentioning: we were both raised Mormon and the traditional roles and abuse like that is basically in the handbook. We are both trying to unlearn the things we were taught.

I am a stay at home mom and hardly ever do anything outside of our regular routine. Over the years with my husband I have realized that he doesn’t like spontaneous outings especially on the weekends because that is his down time. If we do have weekend plans, I give him 1-2 weeks notice with many reminders.

My sister invited me to go with her to the ballet this weekend. I have told him and he was frustrated at the short notice (2 days). I told him I will give him more notice where I can, but I’m not going to miss out on something because I like being spontaneous and he doesn’t. I will cater to him where possible, but I’m not going to sacrifice my fun for his absolute complete comfort.

He wasn’t happy about it, but wasn’t causing issue. Now I found out what time it is and it starts at 7:30 pm. I knew he would be upset about this, because it would mean that not only does he have to be the sole parent on a weekend, it would be a solo bedtime routine. Which I get is hard with kids, but we have very well behaved kids and they will be happy to stay up late and wait for me to get home. There is also many times when he isn’t feeling good, or I just happen to do all of bedtime routine (hair, teeth, pajamas). I acknowledge that getting them settled for bed by himself would be different from the usual routine, but not impossible.

Anyways, when I tell him the time he is obviously frustrated, we exchange words and I basically said I don’t like the example he is setting. I want my girls to grow up to find a partner who supports them in the little things that make them happy. I don’t like when he treats me in a way that I wouldn’t want my girls to be treated. They will find people like him to be with and I want them to learn that a partner is supposed to support you, and prioritize what is important to you.

He goes to our room. I came in and sat next to him in our bed. There was an uncomfortable vibe and I just asked him if he was going to be cold to me now because of this. That is the usual pattern. Here is where I don’t know if I’m wrong. I have a history of being abused by my mom and also by my spouse many years ago (same one I’m with). I have grown a very big back bone now and will not tolerate mistreatment. I don’t know if he is mistreating me by having this energy when I deviate from the norm and make plans that he feels inconvenience him. I also feel annoyed because I would never treat him how he treats me in these situations. Is this emotional manipulation, or am I so sensitive to being manipulated that I’m perceiving it wrongly? I know he is okay to feel how he feels. I just want him to pretend he doesn’t or just hold his tongue or something. Am I wrong for that? Sometimes I wish I had a partner who was a yes man and just had an overall more easy going vibe. I’m very easy going and I am adaptable, and it is so frustrating to know I would handle this situation with kindness and care, where as he is just abrasive and cold. I feel like if I step out of line, we are bound to argue. And I don’t back down with what I see as unfair or mistreatment.

The last thing we said was basically comparing sacrifices. He said he sacrifices by working a hard job everyday. I pointed out that he would work whether he had a family or not. He said he would work an easier job, and I called his bluff because I just sit believe that. He shut up when I mentioned that I’m about to go give the children a bath, which he has NEVER done is almost 7 years, and that I sacrifice my career and education to mother these kids and I can’t even have one Saturday night out without a fight.

Update: I spoke to him last night after the kids went to sleep. We don’t have these types of conversations in front of them. I told him that this behavior is not okay, it is toxic and I will not have him behaving this way in front of the kids. I pointed out that he thinks it is okay, or he wouldn’t have done that in front of them. He basically said he understood but that didn’t feel good enough. I told him that this is abusive behavior and whatever fueled it was not an excuse. He agreed that it was not okay, but said we had a different opinion of what abuse was. He reiterated that it wasn’t okay and that he would not be doing this in the future. I think it’s going to be a lot harder than that. I guess I just have to wait and see and make sure I don’t lose my conviction. He really is a good man and father. I suspect he is on the spectrum or coddled by his mom in order to never feel discomfort. His comfort is a pretty high priority and with how I was raised it can sometimes be easy to cater to him and be a peace maker. I’m done doing that though. Thank you for the out pouring of response to help me pull my head out of my ass. One thing I think is worth mentioning: we were both raised Mormon and the traditional roles and abuse like that is basically in the handbook. We are both trying to unlearn the things we were taught.

So this happened a while ago, but it still bothers me. I frequent the gas station by my house. I get coffee often, buy food for myself or my kids. My kids are in there with me a few times a week. We are familiar with the employees and are pretty good friends with one of them.

During this incident, my kids weren’t with me, thankfully. I am at the soda machine getting lemonade for my 6 year old. A man, looking to be mid 40s walks in and announces to the entire gas station “The guy in the blues got a gun!” then he starts chuckling and it becomes apparent that they are together and he was trying to embarrass and make a joke at his buddies expense.

I holler out (I didn’t see who had said it, only the guy in blue) “That’s not funny!” I start thinking about my girls (6 and 4) and how if they had been there, they would have been terrified and probably traumatized.

After getting my drink, I find the guy and he is obviously surprised someone is going to say more about this. I told him that it is not okay to make jokes like that in today’s world and that I was having a panic attack because for a moment I thought there was actually a gunman. I don’t remember everything that was said but the guy tries to initially pretend he didn’t say it. Then when he sees that l’m not as stupid as he is and know he’s lying, he starts to say “oh I meant he has big guns.” That pissed me off because if that was the case, I’m a crazy person for having this response. I then start yelling at the guy and told him fuck you, that’s not what you said. I mentioned that I bring my kids in here and I don’t appreciate humor like that. Meanwhile no one is making this guy leave, or me ( as I was making a scene.) I’m not someone to make a scene, but my mama bear came out and I was so mad at this man that his carelessness could have hurt my children.

The manager comes out and I tell her what he said, and he tells her his new version because he’s clearly embarrassed by being such an incredible idiot. Basically manager does nothing, I end up sobbing to her and one of the employees disclosed that he has experienced a shooting of his family member and that he agrees it’s not cool.

Anyways, I know this manager, she’s horrible. She’s a bitch to my friend and she has an all around bitchy vibe. I was upset that she did nothing for me in that situation. I didn’t go back for a while because I was embarrassed by my behavior, but also I called the corporate office to complain and felt like it wasn’t somewhere I wanted to give my business to.

I eventually to go back and tell my friend what happened. She tells me the version that she heard from her manager. She said some guy made a joke about how his friend had big guns and that I started yelling at the guy about how you don’t joke about guns. I was so mad because I told her what the guy said and clearly she either didn’t believe me or her job was easier if she went with his story.

I find out that corporate told them there was a complaint and that the manager was coming down on the employees because customers were complaining about their experience in the store. I was specifically complaining about how she handled (or lack there of) the situation. I was also upset because I heard her telling her employee on the day of the incident that they would get in trouble for kicking someone out.

It just seemed like she was sending the message that anyone can go in there and do whatever and she clearly had no balls to handle anything inconvenient. If my friend had been working, she would have kicked the guy out right away and I would never have had to say anything.

I later find out that the employee who did say something to the guy about how it wasn’t cool got written up for it. I never got a response from corporate, who I called twice and requested a call back from. I’ve let it go. Mainly because the guy who was written up said it was corporate who wrote him up and I understand that the way the manager handled it is exactly how corporate would have wanted her to. Most recently my friend told me it was the manager who wrote him up, not corporate. I felt a little crazy through the whole thing, but everything about it has rubbed me the wrong way. This was at Maverik if anyone is wondering.

So this happened a while ago, but it still bothers me. I frequent the gas station by my house. I get coffee often, buy food for myself or my kids. My kids are in there with me a few times a week. We are familiar with the employees and are pretty good friends with one of them.

During this incident, my kids weren’t with me, thankfully. I am at the soda machine getting lemonade for my 6 year old. A man, looking to be mid 40s walks in and announces to the entire gas station “The guy in the blues got a gun!” then he starts chuckling and it becomes apparent that they are together and he was trying to embarrass and make a joke at his buddies expense.

I holler out (I didn’t see who had said it, only the guy in blue) “That’s not funny!” I start thinking about my girls (6 and 4) and how if they had been there, they would have been terrified and probably traumatized.

After getting my drink, I find the guy and he is obviously surprised someone is going to say more about this. I told him that it is not okay to make jokes like that in today’s world and that I was having a panic attack because for a moment I thought there was actually a gunman. I don’t remember everything that was said but the guy tries to initially pretend he didn’t say it. Then when he sees that l’m not as stupid as he is and know he’s lying, he starts to say “oh I meant he has big guns.” That pissed me off because if that was the case, I’m a crazy person for having this response. I then start yelling at the guy and told him fuck you, that’s not what you said. I mentioned that I bring my kids in here and I don’t appreciate humor like that. Meanwhile no one is making this guy leave, or me ( as I was making a scene.) I’m not someone to make a scene, but my mama bear came out and I was so mad at this man that his carelessness could have hurt my children.

The manager comes out and I tell her what he said, and he tells her his new version because he’s clearly embarrassed by being such an incredible idiot. Basically manager does nothing, I end up sobbing to her and one of the employees disclosed that he has experienced a shooting of his family member and that he agrees it’s not cool.

Anyways, I know this manager, she’s horrible. She’s a bitch to my friend and she has an all around bitchy vibe. I was upset that she did nothing for me in that situation. I didn’t go back for a while because I was embarrassed by my behavior, but also I called the corporate office to complain and felt like it wasn’t somewhere I wanted to give my business to.

I eventually to go back and tell my friend what happened. She tells me the version that she heard from her manager. She said some guy made a joke about how his friend had big guns and that I started yelling at the guy about how you don’t joke about guns. I was so mad because I told her what the guy said and clearly she either didn’t believe me or her job was easier if she went with his story.

I find out that corporate told them there was a complaint and that the manager was coming down on the employees because customers were complaining about their experience in the store. I was specifically complaining about how she handled (or lack there of) the situation. I was also upset because I heard her telling her employee on the day of the incident that they would get in trouble for kicking someone out.

It just seemed like she was sending the message that anyone can go in there and do whatever and she clearly had no balls to handle anything inconvenient. If my friend had been working, she would have kicked the guy out right away and I would never have had to say anything.

I later find out that the employee who did say something to the guy about how it wasn’t cool got written up for it. I never got a response from corporate, who I called twice and requested a call back from. I’ve let it go. Mainly because the guy who was written up said it was corporate who wrote him up and I understand that the way the manager handled it is exactly how corporate would have wanted her to. Most recently my friend told me it was the manager who wrote him up, not corporate. I felt a little crazy through the whole thing, but everything about it has rubbed me the wrong way. This was at Maverik if anyone is wondering.