u/Espress0Queen

It’s been about two weeks of being what I must assume is stable. I have no extreme moods and I can still feel emotions. What I don’t like is my memories of the past 5.5 years feel like they were saved in greyscale, like none of the memories have feeling. It makes me feel like I just restarted my life but that’s not what I wanted. I want to remember and feel all the amazing moments with my son and husband, but it seems like those days are so far behind me and most of what I remember is that I was constantly enraged or miserable. Now everything revolves around being bipolar, and recovery and medication and therapy. I hardly listen to music anymore. I miss how good music sounded. I miss how motivated and driven I was. I want to be passionate and overly happy and creating beautiful memories with my family, but if I can only do that while manic and I can’t remember it afterward what’s the point? I hate this. No one told me stability requires sacrifice.

How do I keep the motivation to go to the gym 4 days a week when I’m not in an elevated mood? It seems like my gym motivation is linked to my mood and I hate it, I just want routine. I’m terrified of gaining weight from meds (500mgER Seroquel) My BMI is athletic, I can’t tell if I’m just bloating really bad after eating or if it’s weight gain from meds (I only been on them since Feb.) The body dysmorphia is really bad right now…

Does anyone else struggle with bloating from AP’s?

How do I keep the motivation to go to the gym 4 days a week when I’m not in an elevated mood? It seems like my gym motivation is linked to my mood and I hate it, I just want routine. I’m terrified of gaining weight from meds. My BMI is athletic, I can’t tell if I’m just bloating really bad after eating or if it’s weight gain from meds (I only been on them since Feb.) the body dysmorphia is really bad right now…

Does anyone else struggle with bloating from AP’s?

Hurt my back, got prescribed a steroid and a very light opioid to decrease the inflammation & pain in my lumbar spine. If I’m newly diagnosed and just got stable on my current med, should I be concerned about breakthrough mania induced by a steroid? Has anyone had mania induced from a steroid?

(27yoF) Diagnosed with: Bilateral L5 pars defects with grade 1 anterolisthesis of L5 on S1. Moderate bilateral neuroforaminal stenosis at L5-S1 and Exaggerated lordosis of the lumbar spine.

I bent over to put my boots on for work; I tried to stand back up and had severe sharp pain in lower left side of back. It hurts to do ANYTHING. Robaxin didn’t work, Toradol shot took the slightest edge off, lidocaine patches don’t work, my topical pain cream doesn’t work, over the counter pain relief doesn’t work, ice doesn’t work, heat doesn’t work, WTF IS GONNA WORK. I can barely drive, walk, move anything without sharp ass pain. The urgent care didn’t do shit, my pain management doc isn’t available till next week. I’m not trying to wait in the ER for 6 hours.

Ya’ll should try this compounded cream tho bc it works for small areas: (Lidocaine5%Diclofenac3%Cyclobenzaprine2%Gabapentin2%)

Edit: For sure nerve root compression/irritation L5/S1. Horray. Got steroids and a pain med that doesn’t alter your mind✅

“This is a highly treatable condition”. But it’s forever.
**TRIGGER WARNING SH***
How do you deal with knowing you have to live like this and others have to deal with you like this? I don’t want any of it. Crazy though because for the past week I’ve been stable and normal yet my ungrateful a** wants to be miserable. I’m reminded of how shitty I was in the past. Rage, violence, apathy, zero patience, constantly feeling uncomfortable and undeserving of the blessing I have. I can’t even stick with the small list of very achievable goals I have. Im just sitting here, beating myself up for all the harm and destruction I caused over the years. I’m not blaming Bipolar for that, it was all me. I don’t need or want these stupid meds that I have to keep taking. I have to be mentally ill tho because I want to feel the depression and self loathing again. It’s itching in the back of my head to be self destructive and hate myself. I hate that I struggle to remember every single bad thing I’ve done. Maybe if I wasn’t on something that makes my brain rot I’d be able to remember. My memory used to be perfect. Or maybe it never was and I was just overly confident in. Y mania. Who knows. Why would I continue living a life that’s meek when I could go to heaven and be free of the burdens. Oh right, that just transfers the pain to my loved ones so that’s not an option. I won’t forgive myself for everything awful I’ve done. I don’t deserve it. How can I let my son and husband say, “Happy Mothers Day, you’re the best!” When it just feels like a blatant lie. Sigh. SH lets me remember the reasons I’m not deserving.

No, I’m not depressed, I’m just thinking negatively.

Long story short, diagnosed while inpatient in Feb. Had a breakthrough episode of mania while on meds, I became delusional, blew over $1k, stopped eating and slept 5-6 hours/night, impulsive, flirtatious with men & women INFRONT of my husband, psychomotor agitation, overall super hype.

They upped my dose, first couple days sucked.

Now I’m fine and feel like normal me, but I can’t help but to think where the next episode is? This feeling of normalcy isn’t the end of the story is it? Anyone else constantly waiting for the next extreme?

Long story short, diagnosed while inpatient in Feb. Had a breakthrough episode of mania while on meds, I became delusional, blew over $1k, stopped eating and slept 5-6 hours/night, impulsive, flirtatious with men & women INFRONT of my husband, psychomotor agitation, overall super hype.

They upped my dose, first couple days sucked.

Now I’m fine and feel like normal me, but I can’t help but to think where the next episode is? This feeling of normalcy isn’t the end of the story is it? Anyone else constantly waiting for the next extreme?