u/Espress0Queen

I had bulimia diagnosed before bipolar but never had a problem “eating what I want” (probably because of compensation). I was also in my early 20’s (F). Since my hospitalization (for hypomania) 5 months ago I’ve gained about 10lbs. While getting stable I didn’t have an issue with eating but I saw 138/140 on the scale recently and lost it. Went straight back into excessive walking, daily cardio, weight lifting, created a whole diet, using laxatives and suppositories every other day. And I still end up over eating most days. Not a disgusting amount but enough to make me extremely guilty.

Idk if it’s because I’m turning 28, because of the Seroquel, because I’m finally a normal happy and stable, (it’s been a week of stability), or because my eating habits are still that of a 18yr old girl. I’m doing everything else right. Weight training 4 days a week, eating healthy, getting cardio / 10k steps in, drinking enough water and taking supplements. No idea why tf I gained this weight out of no where.

I need to get Metformin. But I have a new psych and he doesn’t want to change anything until he gets to know me. I feel stuck and if I gain any more weight I might actually do dumb shit. No I’m not vain, I’m looking at life through the lends of body dysmorphia.

Just venting. Support/advice would be nice🥺

My binges are usually 2,500-3,000 calories in a day unless it’s eating out, then I can get up to 3,500. I follow it by taking 2 extra strength laxatives and a suppository, fasting for 18-24 hours, and doing cardio/weight lifting. Then once I feel “clean” I can eat again ON A DIET with a FRESH START. Thats my current plan. Idk how sustainable it’s about to be, but I want to do this last cleanse and be done with this cycle. If I gain any more weight I’m going to loose it.

My gym routine is good as long as I’m not depressed. My diet I feel like is somewhat decent but I tend to over eat mildly. Also, what is assume is AP medication related weight gain, has been hard to deal with. I was 133, had an episode and went down 5lbs, gained it back after the episode which was fine. But this 5lbs I gained in the past 3 months has been hard to accept. Sure maybe a tiny fraction could be muscle. I also have bulimia that was pretty much in remission before gaining this extra 5lbs. Once I saw the number on the scale I lost it and started abusing laxatives again. Which do freaking nothing for loosing weight.

If I’m not overweight yet visually will a psych still prescribe Metformin?

Has anyone been able to decrease their appetite and increase satiety after starting Metformin?

Does anyone else struggle with an eating disorder?

If so, how do you deal with bipolar and the eating disorder? Is it possible to heal the eating disorder even though the bipolar will never heal?

I know most people here vomit but I simply can’t do it effectively enough, I’ll literally make my throat bleed before vomiting up enough food for it to work. I abuse laxatives, do weighted walks for miles, or fast for 18+ hours. My version of binge/purge looks so much different than everyone else’s that it makes me feel like I’m not actually “sick”. Seeing the weight on the scale today made me literally want to kms to the point I self harm because of how much I hate myself and think I deserve punishment. I get close to stability with one mental illness just for another one to flare up. I hate it. This life is so exhausting.

Edit: I didn’t mean to invalidate anyone else, only myself I suppose. Hopefully you understand where I’m coming from writing this. No I have not gotten help for this , it took a backseat in my life for a while just to reemerge with a vengeance…

It’s been one hell of a year. My eating disorder took a back seat in life for a while. I just got busy and well, preoccupied with another mental illness… I was very skinny before I went inpatient back in February but I’ve slowly gained back weight and then some. I’m newly 28F and have been working out lower body 3 days a week and I’m on AP’s that can cause increased appetite and decreased satiety. I’ve been hanging around 1900-2500 calories but I noticed I’ve been using laxatives and fasting again and compelled to walk at LEAST 10min steps a day. My body image has tanked and I feel like a fat piece of Sh**. * hate this medication, I hate that I think I need to be skin and bones or have a sucked in tummy 24/7. I hate it all and I just want to feel free and I can’t.

Two weeks ago I threw a fit and didn’t take my meds. Next night I was laying on the bathroom floor feeling like sh**. Last night I saw a weight on the scale I didn’t like and deemed the meds at fault. I have bulimia, the laxative abuse & starving kind. (I’m athletic small frame and haven’t had a severe relapse in a while but took laxatives again and fasted). I skipped meds again last night and now it feels wrong to take them. I feel fine, great even, super productive for the past week and more so today. But I don’t think there’s ever been anything wrong with me… they just wanted to drug me this whole time. Why cant I bring myself to take two lil pills? Withdrawal is probably going to hit any minute but at the same time I don’t believe it will, I started thinking my husband maybe slipped them to me somehow and that’s why I haven’t had withdrawal yet? That’s ridiculous thought. My brain is torn in half and I can’t make any decisions. My husband even talked to me for an hour and I still can’t make a decision. I’m just not thinking anything was ever that bad and minimizing tf out of everything but it’s what I really believe right now. AGH I can’t make decisions anymore make it stop😣

Psychological Thrillers low key fuck with me. Always have, but I love them. I’m watching this show Dark Matter. It’s about a multiverse. A recurring delusion of mine is that I’m actually living in an alternate reality. For some reason I thought this show was a great idea lol.

I’m in a mild mixed episode rn, last night I had some paranoia, got suspicious of my husband that he was watching me somehow while at work. Also swore I saw a shadow of a man who I thought was my husband walk behind the sofa, I looked and no one was there, my husband was on the opposite side of the house. I’m not actively believing those things but they definitely bothered me. I think they were a one off.

During this mood episode TV or music has been the only thing distracting me from my mind and explosive agitation. I been intentionally keeping my mind busy literally till I’m falling asleep. Husband says it’s not as bad as it used to be before meds. But it doesn’t change the fact I’m still going through it. Still screaming, throwing things. Horny but hating physical touch. Staying up late, organizing everything and anything. I’m back to the person I hated before i knew of my illness.

Im not exactly stable yet and it’s been 5 months of treatment after 6 years of being untreated. Got a meeting with a new psychiatrist next week.
I just feel uncomfortable. Like mentally uncomfortable.

Was on 400mgER Seroquel, had a week long hypomanic breakthrough, increased to 500mg, 2 weeks later had a depressive episode that lasted about a month. Skipped a day of meds, had an amazing 36 hours then withdrawal hit me like a truck. Now I’m fucking irritated at everyone and everything. It makes me want to be violent. I’m snapping at everyone without a fuck to give. I want to beat the shit out of someone and make everyone around me suffer. Then I turn around and feel guilty and hate myself more for what I do. But I don’t stop hurting people I love. FUCKING. WHY. Why do I have to make a choice daily? Why do I have to try 24/7? Fuck this. I’m not trying to do this for the rest of my life.

I got pissed off, threw my pill case and refused to take my meds. I had a great day, till the withdrawal hit me like a fu****g truck. Don’t cold turkey this med. Sh** is horrible. I was literally on the bathroom floor hugging the toilet with ice packs on my head and stomach shaking.

It ruined my good mood. I’ll never be able to stop this med. I have to accept defeat now that I’ll never be med free. I knew I’d have to learn the hard way. It’s concerning how it have withdrawal affects this bad yet we have to put it in our body. Make that make sense.

I hate throwing up.

Diagnosed & started meds in February. I’ve been in my own world the past 4 months.

I truly haven’t understood the inability to control my moods until now. I didn’t even realize how bad the mixed state/depression was until one day I woke up completely fine. Switch flipped.

It’s unsettling truly grasping the reality that I am not in control of my moods. Even on meds.

I apparently used to be very violent. Like to the point my husband would wait to go to sleep until I was asleep out of fear. I don’t remember the severity of how bad I used to be, or really much of what I’ve done… he won’t re-tell everything out of fear I’ll SH and become suicidal (as I’ve done in the past).

How did you process the things you’ve done without becoming suicidal from guilt?

I have lost 6 years of my life. My son is about to be 6 years old. I’ve essentially restarted my life at nearly 28(F).

If you’ve seen my post before you know I’m a mess. I think I’ve been living the past 4-5 months since hospitalization and diagnosis as a delusional blur. Life was consequence free and I just been surviving.

Lately I’ve had intense internal conflict over if I’m actually Bipolar or not, if I actually need meds or not, not remembering much from the past SIX YEARS. My husband has finally learned how to talk to me when it comes to getting me to take my meds (after 3 times going off meds ending in fights).

He’s been gently and motivationally coaching me every day for the past 4 days while still giving me my autonomy. We talked through alot of hard memories I couldn’t recall. I was violent. Outside of the two hypomanic/manic months a year, I was horrible. I asked and He said, “Out of all the Reddit posts I’ve read, you were worse than all of them.”. Ow.

TW: SI Reference

My husband had many sleepless nights living in fear. I may not have cheated on him and just up and left the family but I probably would have done a lot less damage if I did. The things I’ve done are the very reasons I want to kill myself every time I start reliving the past; and are the very reasons I hate myself beyond forgiveness.

I didn’t even care when I got diagnosed Bipolar, probably because I was still manic and wearing grippy socks.

This part of the process in recovery is just devastating.

TW: SI

I’m starting to question taking these meds (500mgER Seroquel) real hard. I’ve been relatively stable for about 3 weeks. Yesterday I felt off, like fuzzy with a slight headache almost a bit dazed. Today is even worse because derealization has set in and it makes me question EVERYTHING. I still have that very slight headache and I feel a tad dazed. While I was driving to work I thought in depth of ways to kms and the probability of success and survival if I changed my mind. Over the weekend i had a rough evening and ended up crying for hours and SH by the end of it, this mood when into the next day with irritability and anger. I feel a compulsive need to test if I need meds. I feel like once I get through the withdrawals I’ll be fine. I want the clarity I had before all of this happened to me…

It’s been 3-ish weeks since my last dose increase post manic breakthrough.

I can’t help but to think back and say to myself, “I wasn’t that bad, there was cause to my ‘behavior’. I just had a spending problem, I just had a bad day, I just had a good week. I was just in a rut because life sucked and life just sucks sometimes.”

I really don’t believe I’m sick. If I just taper off my meds, maybe I’ll never need them again. Maybe everyone was wrong and it was just a bad reaction to an SSRI. It has to be possible.

I want my motivation back. I was so motivated just a month ago. I was working out nearly everyday, dieting, handling business. The meds seem like kryptonite. I don’t want it.

It’s been 3-ish weeks since my last dose increase post manic breakthrough.

I can’t help but to think back and say to myself, “I wasn’t that bad, there was cause to my ‘behavior’. I just had a spending problem, I just had a bad day, I just had a good week. I was just in a rut because life sucked and life just sucks sometimes.”

I really don’t believe I’m sick. If I just taper off my meds, maybe I’ll never need them again. Maybe everyone was wrong and it was just a bad reaction to an SSRI. It has to be possible.

I want my motivation back. I was so motivated just a month ago. I was working out nearly everyday, dieting, handling business. The meds seem like kryptonite. I don’t want it.

(27yoF) I get what I call “episodes”. It’s deep 5/10 aching pain from my lower back down my right leg. Base of skull headache. Left leg gets intermittent pins & needles in certain leg positions. The pain in leg back/leg makes me limp and feel physically ill.

Does anyone else have something similar and is so have you found anything to work for the pain? I’ve tried heat, ice, stretching, massage, lidocaine patches, pain lotion…

Diagnosed with:
Bilateral L5 pars defects with grade 1 anterolisthesis of L5 on S1. Moderate bilateral neuroforaminal stenosis at L5-S1 and Exaggerated lordosis of the lumbar spine.

Neck: Reversal lordosis (curve of neck), Multilevel disc desiccation & arthritis, C4-6 Disc osteophyte complex/mild spinal canal stenosis.

It’s been about two weeks of being what I must assume is stable. I have no extreme moods and I can still feel emotions. What I don’t like is my memories of the past 5.5 years feel like they were saved in greyscale, like none of the memories have feeling. It makes me feel like I just restarted my life but that’s not what I wanted. I want to remember and feel all the amazing moments with my son and husband, but it seems like those days are so far behind me and most of what I remember is that I was constantly enraged or miserable. Now everything revolves around being bipolar, and recovery and medication and therapy. I hardly listen to music anymore. I miss how good music sounded. I miss how motivated and driven I was. I want to be passionate and overly happy and creating beautiful memories with my family, but if I can only do that while manic and I can’t remember it afterward what’s the point? I hate this. No one told me stability requires sacrifice.

How do I keep the motivation to go to the gym 4 days a week when I’m not in an elevated mood? It seems like my gym motivation is linked to my mood and I hate it, I just want routine. I’m terrified of gaining weight from meds (500mgER Seroquel) My BMI is athletic, I can’t tell if I’m just bloating really bad after eating or if it’s weight gain from meds (I only been on them since Feb.) The body dysmorphia is really bad right now…

Does anyone else struggle with bloating from AP’s?

How do I keep the motivation to go to the gym 4 days a week when I’m not in an elevated mood? It seems like my gym motivation is linked to my mood and I hate it, I just want routine. I’m terrified of gaining weight from meds. My BMI is athletic, I can’t tell if I’m just bloating really bad after eating or if it’s weight gain from meds (I only been on them since Feb.) the body dysmorphia is really bad right now…

Does anyone else struggle with bloating from AP’s?