u/Euphoric-Reputation4

My (43F) boyfriend's (42M) kid (9M) does this thing to us when he isn't getting the attention that he wants. Usually, it's when we are sitting on the couch watching a movie as a family - movie selection is always kid appropriate. Kid will get on all fours and back his butt up as close as he can to our faces and hover there to get a reaction.

Usually, this is after other annoying bids for attention that have escalated. For example, he'll start by complaining that the movie is boring or changing the channel if he can get ahold of the remote, or he'll try to start a wrestling match with his dad by jumping on him or turn on his tablet really loud during the movie, or he'll rub his feet all over me . I made the mistake of expressing how much I dislike this, and it is now one of his go-to behaviors with me.

Of course, the bigger problem is his constant need to be the absolute center of attention, but this thing with putting his butt in our faces is just bizarre and so off-putting. Where would he even get the idea to do it? He's been gently corrected about it multiple times, but it continues. He's the kind of kid that does this stuff, sees how annoying we find it, laughs about it when we ask him nicely to please stop, then doubles down while laughing hysterically until he's gotten himself in trouble.

"Trouble" is turning the movie off/time out, which is met with crying/anger/tantrum. Anything that can be construed as discipline or even just push back, no matter how gentle, causes a disproportionate reaction like this. I know there are bigger issues at play here, given his age and inability to self regulate, so if anyone has any insight about this butt thing or the bigger issues, I'd love to hear it.

For context: His mom has primary physical custody, and her parenting style is permissive, over indulgent, and over scheduled with a heavy dose of materialism. From my view, it appears she is intentionally spoiling him. She refuses to have him evaluated for adhd or enroll him in therapy. We have him every other weekend and one night a week. He is an only child.

ETA: After reading some comments and reflecting, I don't think this is necessarily all about attention. It might be more about control.

We reserved a private room at an adult venue the evening of the bachelorette party. The bride decided to plan an additional activity hours before the party. OK, cool. I wasn't planning on this being an all-day event, but sure, why not?

It turned out to be a family-friendly activity, and she had invited her gradeschool-aged daughters along so they wouldn't feel left out of the festivities.

Maybe I am a child-hating sourpuss that should be more thankful about being included in someone's special occasion, but GOD DAMMIT, I don't want to hang out with kids at a BACHELORETTE PARTY!!!!!

Maybe my expectations are just too high, but do people (in my case, men specifically) not check if they are leaving a mess behind? Or, do they just think it's simply not their concern to clean up, making it, by default, my job? The rage I feel when my previously clean toilet is left a mess is probably disproportionate to the action, but my god am I fucking tired of it!

My (43F) boyfriend's (42M) child (9M) is a difficult child to be around. Here are some details for context: Child's single mom has majority custody with child spending one night a week and every other weekend (Friday evening through Sunday evening) with his dad. He is an only child. We do see him more often than that, though, because we make an effort to go to his practices/concerts/games (hockey, baseball, track, basketball). Dad and I do not live together and have been dating for two years. I knew dad and son for two years prior to our dating. I myself am childless due to miscarriages in my prior marriage.

As for this child's behavior, he is a bully. The kind of kid that has tantrums when he is losing at Chutes and Ladders and wipes the board off the table onto the floor, or gets up and turns the game console off in the middle of Mario Kart if he is losing and will scream and cry and carry on about how everyone is cheating and his controller isn't working and it's not fair. Even bad attention is good attention for him, as far as I can tell.

When I have taken him to the children's museum he runs around ruining other kids' fun - taking whatever they were playing with, taking over their games and changing the rules to give himself an advantge, not sharing the toys. The other kids end up finding something else to do without him.

He also sometimes becomes physical when he is having a tantrum. Not just throwing his toys and kicking his legs and flailing his arms, but hitting his dad occasionally. He tried this once with me early on while we were at a friend's pool. We were having a contest seeing who could hold their breath underwater the longest. When I won, he demanded a rematch and then stomped on and kicked me underwater and went crying to dad when I made him get out of the pool and go sit in timeout. To his credit, dad knows his kid can be a jerk and doesn't usually cut him any slack in these scenarios.

This behavior is his baseline default whenever he encounters any opposition around us, even playing a video game on his own. If it isn't easy enough to get through on his first couple of tries, he will have a meltdown. He acts this way when I ask him not to jump on my couch, or to try a bite of a new food - you know, something other than mac n cheese, hotdogs, dino nuggets or cheese pizza. Last time, it was a full-blown crying, screaming meltdown because we asked him to try a spoonful of chicken noodle soup. He then threatens to throw it up, gagging and such. EVERYTHING with him is a battle of wills. Even fun stuff has to be on his terms, and he takes every opportunity to belittle others, even his own grandmother for walking slowly or being hard of hearing. And it isn't like we don't correct him for it.

I could go on, but you probably get the idea. When he was little, I just assumed it was lingering toddler behavior in combination with his mom spoiling the hell out of him, and it would become less frequent as he grew. But now I am starting to think this is really his personality, and he might have problems with his emotional development. The thing that scares me is that he is a smart kid and this behavior is a choice he is making. He doesn't do it in school.

When he is acting out, it isn't genuine distress or upset on his part, at least not until he gets himself into real trouble over it and is facing consequences, like cancelling an activity we had planned, taking away a toy/privledge or a timeout. We don't spank, though I sometimes think that is exactly what he needs. He always checks to see what our reaction is in the moment, then dials up his behavior accordingly. He has duper's delight, or the deceiver's grin, while he is acting out, a sly little smile that breaks through his crying act when he thinks no one is watching.

Spending any extended amount of time with him is just exhausting. I am always bracing for the next outburst, argument, mouthiness or behavior and I feel awful thinking so poorly of a child. We can rarely just have pleasant family time without him stirring the pot and/or demanding attention. I am often frustrated by him and saying to myself, "Be patient, he is just a kid." But, I don't know if I want to be around for the teenage years if this is the path we are going to be on. I guess I am just hoping some parents can relate and give me some examples of how they turned it around.

Sorry for any grammar issues; I did proofread. And any format issues, I am a mobile user. And for the wall of text; this is the first time I've really openly expressed my misgivings about this situation.