u/Eva_7816

I think I finally figured out something important about how my emotional flashbacks work, and I wanted to share it in case anyone else has a similar pattern.

I’ve been doing somatic work for quite a while, and I’ve noticed that my flashbacks often start with grief. Something triggers me and I suddenly feel deeply sad and start grieving the emotional neglect, abandonment, loneliness, and things I didn’t receive as a child.

From an IFS perspective, I think I’m touching an exile here. There’s a very young part of me that carries the feeling of being alone, unwanted, unsupported and emotionally abandoned.

The problem is what happens next.

I used to think that when the grief came up, I needed to go into it more deeply. I would start thinking about everything I didn’t have, how unfair my childhood was, how much I suffered, how other people had things I didn’t have, etc. The more I thought about it, the more I cried. Then the crying would become very intense and overwhelming, and eventually I would move into shame, self-hate, hopelessness and sometimes suicidal ideation.

So the sequence for me looks something like:

Trigger
→ grief / sadness
→ exile becomes activated
→ going into the story and replaying everything I didn’t have
→ escalating grief and crying
→ shame / self-hate
→ hopelessness
→ “this is too much”
→ suicidal thoughts as an extreme attempt to make the pain stop

Thinking about it in IFS terms, I’m starting to see the later stages as different protectors coming in around the activated exile.

The shame part might say, “Something is wrong with me. I’m defective. I’m incapable.”

The hopeless part might say, “This will never get better. I’ll never be able to take care of myself. Everyone will eventually leave me.”

And then an even more desperate firefighter can come in with, “I can’t take this anymore. I want to die.”

What has really changed things for me is realizing that I don’t actually have to follow the grief into the story.

The story is not necessarily false. My childhood really did contain emotional neglect and abandonment, and there really are things I grieve. But when I’m already activated, going through the entire narrative seems to amplify the emotional state rather than help me process it.

So I’m experimenting with something very different:

When the sadness comes up, I let myself feel the sadness, but I stay with the immediate bodily experience and the present moment.

For example:

“I feel sadness.”

“There is heaviness in my chest.”

“I notice that I want to cry.”

But I don’t start adding:

“Look at everything I didn’t have.”

“It was so unfair.”

“I was so deprived.”

“Why did this happen to me?”

I can acknowledge that those things are real without mentally going through the entire case file while I’m activated.

Instead, I try to stay oriented to the present. I notice the room, the chair or bed underneath me, my breathing, sounds around me, the temperature, etc. I remind myself that I’m an adult now and that this is a wave of old emotional pain moving through me.

I might say to the exile:

“I see you. I know you’re sad. You don’t have to tell me the whole story right now. I’m here with you.”

And importantly, I don’t try to force the emotion to go away either.

I’m not suppressing the sadness. I’m allowing it, but I’m not feeding it with an increasingly elaborate narrative.

I think of it as titration: enough contact with the emotion to acknowledge it, but not so much that I become completely blended with it.

I actually tried this today. I felt a sudden wave of grief and heaviness in my chest. Normally I would immediately start thinking about everything I lost and probably end up crying intensely.

This time I just stayed with the sensation and the present moment.

And something surprising happened: I didn’t even end up crying. The sadness was there, I felt it, and then it simply settled down fairly quickly.

That made me realize that I may have been confusing “processing” with “going deeper and deeper into the story.”

For me, the goal may actually be learning that I can feel sadness without turning it into a full emotional flashback.

I also think there is a point where I need to stop doing trauma processing altogether.

If I notice the shift from sadness into strong shame, self-hate, “this will never get better,” or especially “this is too much,” that is my signal to stop exploring the trauma.

At that point I don’t need to understand the exile better. I need to help my system come back to the present.

So I might get up, drink something, eat, shower, go outside, watch something light, talk to someone safe, or simply orient myself to my surroundings.

I think the biggest shift for me is realizing that I don’t have to prevent the exile from feeling sad, and I don’t have to make the sadness disappear.

For anyone with a similar IFS/C-PTSD pattern, I’m curious whether you’ve noticed a difference between actually feeling an emotion and getting pulled into the narrative around the emotion. For me, that distinction seems to be becoming really important.

So I was wandering, does grieving not require continuously thinking about the reasons you are grieving?
Can you grieve at the level of the body and emotion without reconstructing the entire story?

I think I finally figured out something important about how my emotional flashbacks work, and I wanted to share it in case anyone else has a similar pattern.

I’ve been doing somatic work for quite a while, and I’ve noticed that my flashbacks often start with grief. Something triggers me and I suddenly feel deeply sad and start grieving the emotional neglect, abandonment, loneliness, and things I didn’t receive as a child.

From an IFS perspective, I think I’m touching an exile here. There’s a very young part of me that carries the feeling of being alone, unwanted, unsupported and emotionally abandoned.

The problem is what happens next. I used to think that when the grief came up, I needed to go into it more deeply. I would start thinking about everything I didn’t have, how unfair my childhood was, how much I suffered, how other people had things I didn’t have, etc. The more I thought about it, the more I cried. Then the crying would become very intense and overwhelming, and eventually I would move into shame, self-hate, hopelessness and sometimes suicidal ideation.

So the sequence for me looks something like:

Trigger
→ grief / sadness
→ exile becomes activated
→ going into the story and replaying everything I didn’t have
→ escalating grief and crying
→ shame / self-hate
→ hopelessness
→ “this is too much”
→ suicidal thoughts as an extreme attempt to make the pain stop

Thinking about it in IFS terms, I’m starting to see the later stages as different protectors coming in around the activated exile.
The shame part might say, “Something is wrong with me. I’m defective. I’m incapable.”
The hopeless part might say, “This will never get better. I’ll never be able to take care of myself. Everyone will eventually leave me.”
And then an even more desperate firefighter can come in with, “I can’t take this anymore. I want to die.”

What has really changed things for me is realizing that I don’t actually have to follow the grief into the story.

The story is not necessarily false. My childhood really did contain emotional neglect and abandonment, and there really are things I grieve. But when I’m already activated, going through the entire narrative seems to amplify the emotional state rather than help me process it.

So I’m experimenting with something very different:

When the sadness comes up, I let myself feel the sadness, but I stay with the immediate bodily experience and the present moment.

For example:

“I feel sadness.”

“There is heaviness in my chest.”

“I notice that I want to cry.”

But I don’t start adding:

“Look at everything I didn’t have.”

“It was so unfair.”

“I was so deprived.”

“Why did this happen to me?”

I can acknowledge that those things are real without mentally going through the entire case file while I’m activated.

Instead, I try to stay oriented to the present. I notice the room, the chair or bed underneath me, my breathing, sounds around me, the temperature, etc. I remind myself that I’m an adult now and that this is a wave of old emotional pain moving through me.

I might say to the exile:

“I see you. I know you’re sad. You don’t have to tell me the whole story right now. I’m here with you.”

And importantly, I don’t try to force the emotion to go away either.

I’m not suppressing the sadness. I’m allowing it, but I’m not feeding it with an increasingly elaborate narrative.

I think of it as titration: enough contact with the emotion to acknowledge it, but not so much that I become completely blended with it.

I actually tried this today. I felt a sudden wave of grief and heaviness in my chest. Normally I would immediately start thinking about everything I lost and probably end up crying intensely.

This time I just stayed with the sensation and the present moment.

And something surprising happened: I didn’t even end up crying. The sadness was there, I felt it, and then it simply settled down fairly quickly.

That made me realize that I may have been confusing “processing” with “going deeper and deeper into the story.”

For me, the goal may actually be learning that I can feel sadness without turning it into a full emotional flashback.

I also think there is a point where I need to stop doing trauma processing altogether.

If I notice the shift from sadness into strong shame, self-hate, “this will never get better,” or especially “this is too much,” that is my signal to stop exploring the trauma.

At that point I don’t need to understand the exile better. I need to help my system come back to the present.

So I might get up, drink something, eat, shower, go outside, watch something light, talk to someone safe, or simply orient myself to my surroundings.

I think the biggest shift for me is realizing that I don’t have to prevent the exile from feeling sad, and I don’t have to make the sadness disappear.

For anyone with a similar IFS/C-PTSD pattern, I’m curious whether you’ve noticed a difference between actually feeling an emotion and getting pulled into the narrative around the emotion. For me, that distinction seems to be becoming really important.

So I was wandering, does grieving not require continuously thinking about the reasons you are grieving? Can you grieve at the level of the body and emotion without reconstructing the entire story?

Today I’m in a really dark place and could use some hope.

I’ve been working on healing developmental trauma for many years, but over the last two years I’ve shifted into somatic approaches (Somatic Experiencing, nervous system work, self-parenting, etc.). In many ways I can see progress. My anxiety is much lower, I feel more connected to myself, and I’m slowly learning what safety feels like.

But emotionally it has become much harder.
Instead of anxiety, I’m now experiencing waves of deep grief, hopelessness and depression. About every two weeks I seem to have a massive emotional flashback that completely knocks me down for several days. During those periods I feel psychologically and physically crushed.
At the same time I’m also recovering from CFS/ME. I do think I’m making slow progress overall, but these emotional crashes seem to trigger physical crashes too, and in those moments I become convinced that my nervous system will never truly calm down because of CPTSD. It feels like I’m taking one step forward and then several steps back.

The frustrating part is that I’m doing “all the right things.” I’ve removed major stressors from my life, I have an amazing trauma therapist, a supportive partner and family, I practice self-parenting every day, and I constantly work on creating safety in my nervous system.

Yet every so often I completely lose hope and start wondering if I’ll ever get out of this cycle.
Has anyone here had both CPTSD (especially developmental trauma) and CFS/ME and eventually recovered—or at least reached a place where the emotional flashbacks stopped overwhelming your nervous system?

I don’t necessarily need advice today. I think I mostly need to hear that healing is possible, even if it takes a long time.

Today I’m in a really dark place and could use some hope.

I’ve been working on healing developmental trauma for many years, but over the last two years I’ve shifted into somatic approaches (Somatic Experiencing, nervous system work, self-parenting, etc.). In many ways I can see progress. My anxiety is much lower, I feel more connected to myself, and I’m slowly learning what safety feels like.

But emotionally it has become much harder.
Instead of anxiety, I’m now experiencing waves of deep grief, hopelessness and depression. About every two weeks I seem to have a massive emotional flashback that completely knocks me down for several days. During those periods I feel psychologically and physically crushed.
At the same time I’m also recovering from CFS/ME. I do think I’m making slow progress overall, but these emotional crashes seem to trigger physical crashes too, and in those moments I become convinced that my nervous system will never truly calm down because of CPTSD. It feels like I’m taking one step forward and then several steps back.

The frustrating part is that I’m doing “all the right things.” I’ve removed major stressors from my life, I have an amazing trauma therapist, a supportive partner and family, I practice self-parenting every day, and I constantly work on creating safety in my nervous system.

Yet every so often I completely lose hope and start wondering if I’ll ever get out of this cycle.
Has anyone here had both CPTSD (especially developmental trauma) and CFS/ME and eventually recovered—or at least reached a place where the emotional flashbacks stopped overwhelming your nervous system?

I don’t necessarily need advice today. I think I mostly need to hear that healing is possible, even if it takes a long time.

Today I’m in a really dark place and could use some hope.

I’ve been working on healing developmental trauma for many years, but over the last two years I’ve shifted into somatic approaches (Somatic Experiencing, nervous system work, self-parenting, etc.). In many ways I can see progress. My anxiety is much lower, I feel more connected to myself, and I’m slowly learning what safety feels like.

But emotionally it has become much harder.
Instead of anxiety, I’m now experiencing waves of deep grief, hopelessness and depression. About every two weeks I seem to have a massive emotional flashback that completely knocks me down for several days. During those periods I feel psychologically and physically crushed.
At the same time I’m also recovering from CFS/ME. I do think I’m making slow progress overall, but these emotional crashes seem to trigger physical crashes too, and in those moments I become convinced that my nervous system will never truly calm down because of CPTSD. It feels like I’m taking one step forward and then several steps back.

The frustrating part is that I’m doing “all the right things.” I’ve removed major stressors from my life, I have an amazing trauma therapist, a supportive partner and family, I practice self-parenting every day, and I constantly work on creating safety in my nervous system.

Yet every so often I completely lose hope and start wondering if I’ll ever get out of this cycle.
Has anyone here had both CPTSD (especially developmental trauma) and CFS/ME and eventually recovered—or at least reached a place where the emotional flashbacks stopped overwhelming your nervous system?

I don’t necessarily need advice today. I think I mostly need to hear that healing is possible, even if it takes a long time. 🙏🏻

I’ve been in trauma therapy for years, but this past year I’ve done the deepest work I’ve ever done. Weekly therapy, a lot of nervous system regulation, somatic work, grief work, meditation, self-compassion practices… I’ve genuinely dedicated my life to healing.
The problem is that over the last several months I feel more depressed than ever before.
Almost every day I wake up with overwhelming feelings of helplessness, worthlessness, abandonment and despair. It doesn’t feel like ordinary sadness-it feels like my whole body believes I’m fundamentally alone, unwanted and incapable, the heaviness of all that feels really unbearable. For a context- i have pre-verbal developmental trauma, mostly neglect…

This morning I spent two hours just trying to get out of bed. I cried, prayed, wrapped myself in a blanket, did a somatic self-love practice, cuddled my dog, cried some more… Eventually I managed to get up and sit at my computer, but the feelings never really left.

One of the hardest parts is that I don’t know whether this is non-stop grief surfacing, part of recovery, or whether I’m actually getting worse.
Whenever I’m in this state, my instinct is to call my mother. She feels like the safest person to my nervous system (apart from my therapist, who is currently on vacation). But my developmental trauma is also deeply connected to that relationship, and I know I’ve become overly dependent on her for co-regulation. So I’m stuck.
I know humans aren’t meant to regulate entirely alone, and I don’t believe the goal is to become completely self-sufficient. But I also don’t want one person to be my only source of safety.
The problem is that I feel like a burden to everyone else. Reaching out to friends feels almost impossible because I immediately feel guilty for needing support.

For those of you further along in recovery:
How did you build both self-regulation and a broader experience of co-regulation? How did you learn to let other people in when your nervous system only trusted one person? And how did you navigate periods when you felt deeply hopeless and alone?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been through this🙏🏻

I recently had another crash, and because it happened almost exactly a year after my last major one, I noticed a pattern that made me curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

For a few days beforehand, I felt extremely sleepy. I could have slept all day. Then I started waking up with a very dry mouth and this strange feeling of fear or dread. After that came a POTS flare, chest tightness/squeezing, and the usual crash symptoms.

What confuses me is that I don’t think I overexerted myself this time. I was pacing between activities and being quite careful. The only things I can think of are the heat (I was staying at the seaside in a caravan) and being emotionally triggered. I was there with my nephew, and being surrounded by families with young children is currently a big trigger for me because I’m processing early developmental trauma.

My last big crash a year ago was definitely caused by pushing myself too hard. Since then, I’ve made what feels like significant progress—I’d estimate I got back to around 70–80% of my previous functioning. So this crash felt like it came out of nowhere.

The encouraging thing is that it seems different from last year’s. Today is only day 3, and I already feel like I’m improving. I can do a little bit of work, go for a very short walk, my appetite is coming back, my legs don’t feel as heavy, and the chest tightness isn’t as intense.

I’m wondering what other people’s experiences have been with crashes during recovery. Have your crashes become shorter or less severe over time, even if they still happen?

For context, over the past year I’ve been doing a lot of mind-body, nervous system, and somatic work, and I’m continuing with it.

I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences 🤗

I recently had another crash, and because it happened almost exactly a year after my last major one, I noticed a pattern that made me curious if anyone else has experienced something similar.

For a few days beforehand, I felt extremely sleepy. I could have slept all day. Then I started waking up with a very dry mouth and this strange feeling of fear or dread. After that came a POTS flare, chest tightness/squeezing, and the usual crash symptoms.

What confuses me is that I don’t think I overexerted myself this time. I was pacing between activities and being quite careful. The only things I can think of are the heat (I was staying at the seaside in a caravan) and being emotionally triggered. I was there with my nephew, and being surrounded by families with young children is currently a big trigger for me because I’m processing early developmental trauma.

My last big crash a year ago was definitely caused by pushing myself too hard. Since then, I’ve made what feels like significant progress - I’d estimate I got back to around 70-80% of my previous functioning. So this crash felt like it came out of nowhere.

The encouraging thing is that it seems different from last year’s. Today is only day 3, and I already feel like I’m improving. I can do a little bit of work, go for a very short walk, my appetite is coming back, my legs don’t feel as heavy, and the chest tightness isn’t as intense.

I’m wondering what other people’s experiences have been with crashes during recovery. Have your crashes become shorter or less severe over time, even if they still happen?

For context, over the past year I’ve been doing a lot of mind-body, nervous system, and somatic work, and I’m continuing with it.

I’d really appreciate hearing your experiences 😊

I’ve been doing a lot of nervous system / trauma work, and one thing I notice more and more is how developmental trauma shows up for me in relationships and social situations.

Before, I think I was more numb to it. Now I notice in real time how often I “check out” during conversations, disconnect from myself, go slightly numb or freeze. I notice my inner critic activating around other people.

In some ways I actually feel more triggered, because I’m becoming more aware of how much CPTSD has impacted my ability to feel relaxed, spontaneous and connected with others.

Sometimes I look at my friends and they seem so alive, natural and present with each other. They can just be. Meanwhile I often feel like I’m monitoring myself from the outside, trying to stay regulated enough to participate normally.

And the painful part is that I deeply want connection. I want closeness, friendship, belonging, spontaneity. I don’t want to isolate or only be around traumatised people. I want to feel more alive with people I care about. But being around healthy, connected people very often trigger deep emotional pain (and shame) because it highlights what feels underdeveloped or frozen in me.

I guess I’m wondering if anyone else experienced this phase in healing where increased awareness initially made social pain and comparison feel worse before things started improving?

When you notice yourself in a dorsal vagal/freeze state - heavy limbs, low energy, low mood, overwhelm, shutdown - what is the right way to work with it?
Simply observing it non-judgmentally, allowing it, befriending it, not trying to fix or change it
or
working with the nervous system through grounding, somatic exercises, resourcing, movement, co-regulation etc. to come out of it?

I’m trying to understand what actually helps without creating more resistance or pushing.

I’m recovering from CFS/ME and also processing early trauma. Over the last month I’ve had quite a few strong releases during therapy / somatic work (crying, gagging, shaking). I’ve also connected with some very early parts of myself. I do a lot of somatic work on my own and have weekly somatic therapy and psychotherapy with a strong body-based focus.

Overall, I’d say I’ve been making real progress lately and even had more energy.

But in the last week something new has started happening: I feel a much stronger internal “charge” in my body, tension, like my nervous system is activated (but no anxiety). My Garmin keeps showing high stress almost constantly, even though my resting heart rate is actually lower than before.

I fall asleep quickly and sleep 8+ hours, but my watch shows high stress during the night too. (Since getting CFS, even when I was much worse, I was never “stressed” at night).

I wake up feeling wired and continue to feel like this until I get also tired and sleepy. The first few days I could still function normally, but now it’s catching up with me. Even after 9 hours of sleep, I wake up exhausted, like I only slept 4 hours.

Has anyone experienced something similar during recovery? My therapist says it could be suppressed / unprocessed survival energy coming up and moving through the system. I’ve also wondered whether I spent most of my life in shutdown/freeze, disconnected from anger, and now together with this charge I’m feeling anger, rage, and a lot of irritability coming online (I also feel much more agency and stronger boundaries).

Would love to hear if anyone relates or has thoughts.