u/Evanw_11

Do I tell my ex of 1 week about my diagnosis?

Need some advice from people who’ve been through something similar.

Context:
I’m 27M and my partner (26F) ended our relationship of two years a week ago. It was her decision after repeated emotional outbursts from me during conflict (roughly every 4 to 8 weeks).

I’ve always taken full accountability for my behaviour. I don’t think an ADHD diagnosis changes that. If anything, the accountability just shifts from “I’m a bad person who doesn’t care enough to change” to “I have a condition that I need to actively manage if I want to be a good partner.”

The difficult part is that it feels like I never really had a chance because I was trying to fix the wrong problem.
I’ve been ashamed of these reactions for as long as I can remember. I started therapy four months ago when everything came to a head and I was making progress, but not enough.

Her reasons for ending things were essentially:
“I can’t get past the hurtful things that have been said. I don’t understand how you can be so loving most of the time, but then hurt me so much during conflict. It makes me feel like you don’t love me enough to change.”
Outside of that, we both genuinely felt the relationship was right for us.

After the breakup, my dad suggested I get assessed for ADHD after he was diagnosed himself a few months ago. He said everything I’d been describing sounded exactly like him.

As I started reading about ADHD, it honestly felt like someone had written my autobiography. Before this, I’d actually pursued personality disorder assessments three separate times because I always felt like something fundamental was wrong with me.

The irony is that I probably never would have sought an ADHD assessment if the relationship hadn’t ended. At the same time, it’s heartbreaking that this may have been the missing piece all along.

The analogy that keeps coming to mind is this:
If our relationship was a car, she kept telling me the tyres needed fixing. I genuinely tried to fix them. But the real problem was that the battery was flat. That car was never going anywhere until the battery was replaced.
For context, she’s very aware of mental health and neurodiversity. She has experience with anxiety and depression herself, her dad is a psychiatric nurse, and one of her close friends is an ADHD/autism advocate.

My question is: Would you tell your ex about the ADHD diagnosis and if so, how?

I’m not looking to use it as an excuse or ask for another chance. Part of me just wants her to know that there really was an explanation for something neither of us could make sense of. But I also don’t know whether telling her would make any difference at all, or whether it would just come across as me trying to rewrite the past.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Do I tell my ex of 1 week about my diagnosis?

Need some advice from people who’ve been through something similar.

**Context:**
I’m 27M and my partner (26F) ended our relationship a week ago. It was her decision after repeated emotional outbursts from me during conflict (roughly every 4 to 8 weeks).

I’ve always taken full accountability for my behaviour. I don’t think an ADHD diagnosis changes that. If anything, the accountability just shifts from “I’m a bad person who doesn’t care enough to change” to “I have a condition that I need to actively manage if I want to be a good partner.”

The difficult part is that it feels like I never really had a chance because I was trying to fix the wrong problem.
I’ve been ashamed of these reactions for as long as I can remember. I started therapy four months ago when everything came to a head and I was making progress, but not enough.

Her reasons for ending things were essentially:
“I can’t get past the hurtful things that have been said. I don’t understand how you can be so loving most of the time, but then hurt me so much during conflict. It makes me feel like you don’t love me enough to change.”
Outside of that, we both genuinely felt the relationship was right for us.

After the breakup, my dad suggested I get assessed for ADHD after he was diagnosed himself a few months ago. He said everything I’d been describing sounded exactly like him.

As I started reading about ADHD, it honestly felt like someone had written my autobiography. Before this, I’d actually pursued personality disorder assessments three separate times because I always felt like something fundamental was wrong with me.

The irony is that I probably never would have sought an ADHD assessment if the relationship hadn’t ended. At the same time, it’s heartbreaking that this may have been the missing piece all along.

The analogy that keeps coming to mind is this:
If our relationship was a car, she kept telling me the tyres needed fixing. I genuinely tried to fix them. But the real problem was that the battery was flat. That car was never going anywhere until the battery was replaced.
For context, she’s very aware of mental health and neurodiversity. She has experience with anxiety and depression herself, her dad is a psychiatric nurse, and one of her close friends is an ADHD/autism advocate.

My question is: Would you tell your ex about the ADHD diagnosis and if so, how?

I’m not looking to use it as an excuse or ask for another chance. Part of me just wants her to know that there really was an explanation for something neither of us could make sense of. But I also don’t know whether telling her would make any difference at all, or whether it would just come across as me trying to rewrite the past.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Need some advice from people who’ve been through something similar.

Context:
I’m 27M and my partner (26F) ended our relationship a week ago. It was her decision after repeated emotional outbursts from me during conflict (roughly every 4 to 8 weeks).

I’ve always taken full accountability for my behaviour. I don’t think an ADHD diagnosis changes that. If anything, the accountability just shifts from “I’m a bad person who doesn’t care enough to change” to “I have a condition that I need to actively manage if I want to be a good partner.”

The difficult part is that it feels like I never really had a chance because I was trying to fix the wrong problem.
I’ve been ashamed of these reactions for as long as I can remember. I started therapy four months ago when everything came to a head and I was making progress, but not enough.

Her reasons for ending things were essentially:
“I can’t get past the hurtful things that have been said. I don’t understand how you can be so loving most of the time, but then hurt me so much during conflict. It makes me feel like you don’t love me enough to change.”
Outside of that, we both genuinely felt the relationship was right for us.

After the breakup, my dad suggested I get assessed for ADHD after he was diagnosed himself a few months ago. He said everything I’d been describing sounded exactly like him.

As I started reading about ADHD, it honestly felt like someone had written my autobiography. Before this, I’d actually pursued personality disorder assessments three separate times because I always felt like something fundamental was wrong with me.

The irony is that I probably never would have sought an ADHD assessment if the relationship hadn’t ended. At the same time, it’s heartbreaking that this may have been the missing piece all along.

The analogy that keeps coming to mind is this:
If our relationship was a car, she kept telling me the tyres needed fixing. I genuinely tried to fix them. But the real problem was that the battery was flat. That car was never going anywhere until the battery was replaced.
For context, she’s very aware of mental health and neurodiversity. She has experience with anxiety and depression herself, her dad is a psychiatric nurse, and one of her close friends is an ADHD/autism advocate.

My question is: Would you tell your ex about the ADHD diagnosis and if so, how?

I’m not looking to use it as an excuse or ask for another chance. Part of me just wants her to know that there really was an explanation for something neither of us could make sense of. But I also don’t know whether telling her would make any difference at all, or whether it would just come across as me trying to rewrite the past.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I (26M) am waiting while my girlfriend (25F) decides whether she wants to stay in our relationship. Looking for outside perspectives.

My girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half, and dating for almost two years.

In many ways, our relationship has been great. We’re very aligned on our goals, careers, interests, values and how we like to spend our time together. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company and have always felt like a strong match.

The biggest issue in our relationship has been conflict, specifically my behaviour during some arguments.
We don’t argue constantly. Typically we’d have a disagreement every month or two, and it wasn’t unusual for us to go several months without any significant conflict at all. However, during some of those arguments I’ve struggled to regulate my emotions properly. At my worst, this has included things like name calling. Every time it’s happened I’ve felt a huge amount of shame, guilt and regret afterwards, but obviously that doesn’t undo the hurt caused.

About two months ago, we had a serious conversation because she told me she was struggling to move past some of the ways I’d hurt her in the past.
At the time, we had a major holiday booked that we’d been planning and saving for for around eight months. We both agreed that we still loved each other and wanted to go on the trip.

Since our conversation two months ago, I’ve been attending therapy weekly and actively working on emotional regulation and becoming a better partner. I do believe I’ve made progress, although clearly not enough to erase the impact of the past.

The holiday ended up being genuinely great. There were stressful moments including food poisoning, so it wasn’t always a relaxing trip, but we handled challenges together well. We communicated better than we had before and any disagreements were dealt with respectfully.
When we came home, neither of us really revisited the conversation about the relationship. Looking back, I think we were both afraid to disrupt what felt like a positive change.

Things continued to go really well for about another month. Then, a couple of weeks ago, there was another incident. I got upset about something, slammed an exterior door and withdrew for around 5 to 10 minutes while we were walking to a train station. After that I made an effort to reconnect and talk things through.

Her response was essentially that she didn’t think I should have been upset in the first place. We eventually made up, but we never really resolved the underlying issue and the conversation was left unfinished.

The next morning she woke me up crying and told me she didn’t know if she could do this anymore.
We spent around three hours talking, holding each other and crying together. It was one of the most loving and honest conversations we’ve ever had.

By the end, she said she genuinely didn’t know what she wanted to do. I told her it was okay if she needed space to think. She said she thought it would be best if we didn’t text while she figured things out. She told me she loved me, appreciated the conversation, that the relationship meant everything to her, and that she wouldn’t leave me waiting for long.

It’s now been four days and I’ve respected her request for space completely.

I’ve also been trying to prepare myself for the possibility that the relationship is over, although I’m not sure whether that’s helping or whether it’s just keeping me suspended in anxiety.

My question is:
If you’ve ever taken space from a relationship in similar circumstances. What was going through your mind during that period and how did things turn out?

TL;DR: I (26M) have been with my girlfriend (25F) for almost two years. We’ve always had a loving relationship, but I’ve hurt her through poor emotional regulation during some conflicts. After a recent incident, she said she doesn’t know if she can continue and asked for space to think. I’ve been in weekly therapy and working hard to change. It’s been four days of no contact, and I’m wondering whether meaningful change can overcome past hurt, or if the damage is already done.