u/EvenEvent7798

I wish I could have my looks without the social expectations that come with them.

I’m a Black transracial adoptee, now in my late teens, who grew up in a mostly white town, with a white family and mostly white friends. I didn’t grow up thinking in racial categories. I just thought in terms of people, and almost all the people in my brain’s “person template” were white.

Because of that, shared race has never automatically meant closeness, comfort, friendship, dating compatibility, or community to me. When people act like it should, it feels invasive and upsetting.

For the most part, non-Black people leave me alone. I’m sure some of that comes from racism, some from lack of familiarity, and some from plain lack of interest, but whatever the reason, I don’t feel smothered. I can just exist. I don’t usually feel that same breathing room around Black people because there can be this presumed familiarity, like I’m supposed to be more open because we’re “the same.”

I love my looks. I hate what they mean socially.

I had a pretty good upbringing, and I never developed the “I need to get away from whiteness” feeling that a lot of POC have. Whiteness was just my normal social environment. It was where my family, friends, crushes, memories, and comfort zone were.

I’m also very introverted. I don’t like loudness, group hierarchy, or feeling like I’m being absorbed into a social ecosystem. I’m a one-on-one person. So when people tell me to “go hang out in Black communities,” I honestly want to scream. I don’t like communities, period. I don’t want identity-based closeness. I want individual people I actually connect with.

My version of happy is probably a nerdy white dude, one or two close friends, a quiet life, and not feeling like I have to perform Blackness. I don’t want to feel guilty for that.

I know not everyone who pushes “community” is being malicious. Some people genuinely think they’re helping. But it still feels like they’re projecting a path onto me that does not fit me.

I’m really struggling.

How do I stop feeling guilty for not wanting identity-based closeness? And how do I stop letting other people’s opinions kill my happiness?

I’m a Black female transracial adoptee in my late teens, and one frustrating part of interracial attraction is that my attraction to white people gets treated like something that needs to be changed.

I grew up in a mostly white town with white parents, and my strongest emotional connection has always been with my dad. My idea of familiarity, safety, and attraction.

For as long as I can remember, my image of a future boyfriend/husband has been a tall, fair-skinned guy with brown or blond hair, freckles, blue eyes, nerdy, sweet, and handy. As I got older and realized I may not be entirely straight, my girlfriend template formed similarly: fair skin, freckles, brown hair, pleasantly plump, and confident.

The fantasy feels natural to me. Because I’m visibly Black, people expect me to date Black people and seek Black connections. I don't feel any pull.

Something that really gets under my skin is the double standard. A white girl with my exact type would just be seen as having a normal preference. But when I say it, people treat it like internalized racism, a phase, or a “bug in the system.” I hate that my attraction gets turned into something that needs to be edited.

And dating itself is harder because the pool is already small. I have to find someone I’m attracted to, who is genuinely into me and not fetishizing or “testing” something, and who isn’t racially ignorant.

Has anyone else dealt with their interracial dating preferences being treated like a racial betrayal, phase, or psychological issue? If so, what have you done to shake the anxiety and worry about others' opinions?

TW: mentions of suicide.

17F

What do you do when you don't see life as worth it? For years, I've wanted to die/have never existed when I was ~11, my friend and I were talking about how we don't want to get old, and I said how I think I would like to die at 50.

I wouldn't say I'm opposed to suicide, but I am afraid. I'm afraid of attempting and surviving and ending up paralyzed or in a coma instead of dead, which would just be an even worse form of reality.

I don't believe "it gets better."

1. The things that make me want to kms most are: 9-5 to just barely get by,
2. getting into a relationship that fails (getting cheated on, loss of attraction on either side, being lied to, etc),
3. not finding a man I love that loves me,
4. going to university and hating it,
5. body changes (wrinkles, loss of estrogen, brittle body, overall loss of my visible femininity),
6. unexpected deaths of loved ones,
7. regretting having kids,
8. bodily changes during/after pregnancy,
9. resource scarcity (produce, other items, etc),
10. the lack of feasible social, political, and economic change in this lifetime.

I've been through 10+ medications, 2+ kinds of therapy, between now and the last seven years.

I have diagnoses of ADHD, GAD, and "BPD-like traits," as the psychiatrist says.

I have tried so many things, and life sucks. I've lost weight, switched schools + schooling methods, tried new hobbies, and made my life more private, nothing's working.

Every year since grade 7, I've thought "next year will be better," and it's the opposite.

I look at adults around me, including my parents, and all I think is "Holy shit, it gets worse than high school."

I wonder about medically assisted suicide a lot, and I wonder if they account for instances like mine.

Anyway, I don't know where else to go at this point; any information is helpful.

Okay so I’m a girl in my late teens with very minimal sexual experience and I think maybe the biggest anxiety I have when it comes to sex is communication. When I’m on the receiving end of something like oral I’m chill if a guy doesn’t ask “what do you like?” Because as he does it I’ll just say like “more pressure” “deeper” etc, until it feels right (which I honestly feel is hotter). However I know not everyone will speak up and guide their partner for whatever reason…so, I guess my question is how do you ask a guy how he likes to get BJ’s/HJ’s? Whenever I play it in my head: “What do you like?” It sounds so stilted and unnatural.

Have you had someone ask you in a wa you thought was sexy or natural feeling instead of mechanical?

I’m wondering if any other transracial adoptees have experienced this, and if so, whether you’ve found anything that actually helped.

I’m a Black girl in my late teens and was adopted into a white family as an infant. I’ve been realizing that when I see myself on camera or hear recordings of my voice, I don’t just feel normal embarrassment or insecurity. It’s not really “I think I look/sound ugly.” It’s more like: “That person isn’t me.”

It feels like there’s a disconnect between my internal self, my thoughts, feelings, personality, interests, humour, identity, etc. and the person I see/hear externally. Sometimes it feels like I’m looking at a husk, like my inner life doesn’t belong to that body/face/voice.

I’m wondering if this could be connected to being transracially adopted: growing up with very little visual mirroring, being shaped internally by a white family/cultural environment, but being perceived by the outside world as a Black girl/woman. It’s like the external racialized version of me doesn’t match the person I experience myself as from the inside.

Has anyone dealt with this, and if so, what have you found that worked to fix this?