u/Express-Lack-7634

Hello, i am 22M (Avoidant) and my girlfriend/ex/situationship is 23F (Anxious). I need some advice. The problem statement is i believe that i have FOMO.

So, backdrop - It is my first real relationship. Other than other “Flings”, it is the first one that actually went somewhere and the first one whereby i had my first time and everything with her. We have been together for 1.3 years. We met at work and within sometime, i began to get emotionally invested. I asked her out seriously after 9 months and i get rejected hard. We were talking and video calling daily. We then get to work together on a project whereby i got to know that she had been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My whole understanding changed. One thing led to another, we kissed and she broke up with her bf. It took a very long time for me trust her again. And we did the deed. It was her first time too.

Over the course of our relationship, we have broken up 2 times subsequently. Once, i had FOMO about another girl whom i met after the rejection and i couldnt get out of my mind. But i chose my girlfriend and asked her back. Again, lots of trust issues. We went on a trip to turkey together with nobody knowing we went together. We solo travelled and been sneaking out a few times. The last time, we broke up again because of how sour the relationship turned for me whereby i was being put on a pedestal. I was tiring myself and felt that i cannot reciprocate to the degree to which she is invested in me. Now, we have talked after the breakup. We have been talking and chilling. We have always changed post a break up because it is just a waste of time if we get back on same terms. This is what we are assessing at the moment.

Another background information that i believe to be relevant is that in most of my other flings, i was attracted to the idea of them. I never got the courage to ask out and stuff and i am genuinely confused. All of the previous ones, at the beginning, i am very anxious. I want to earn that feeling. I want to do things to get it. I want to be validated by them saying yes and i am very desperate. By here, the power balance shifted after getting together. I was being put on a pedestal and i felt overwhelmed. But i realised that those are deactivating strategies from the book “attached”.

Furthermore, given my childhood which was quite traumatic, i have never seen or known what it is to be in love. The word “love”, i do not have a real way to understand it. Because, i am quite sure she loves me. By the way she acts, talks and do things with care. I also do things with care. Sometimes, i am very honest just so that she knows what she is getting into. Like, i have no idea if i love her. Based on our recent conversation, it is quite direct that i cannot reciprocate her feelings to the same degree. For instance, she will say she misses me and it is visible through the tight hugs. But i am unable to miss that much. I only feel sad when she is leaving to another country or is leaving. But if we are in a small country with not much distance. I used to see her daily at work. I dont feel as if i miss her that much. From my dates, i like spending time with her. I feel comfort in doing so. But i am unable to imagine a future. Why? Because i have no idea what that would look like. She for instance said she would love to cook with me or watch tv. These are very mundane for me and therefore, i am asking whether that is not the case for me? I tend to be very independent whereby i can cook for myself but i love trying to connect and spend time with people in general. Not general, i mean, i choose people very carefully and those i choose, i like spending time with. But i am not certain how to envision my future in a healthy relationship and i also often question whether what we have is a healthy or unhealthy relationship? A trauma bond? While i am sure we can work it out by learning to adapt. I have become much much softer as a person while learning that with her. I have huge FOMO on what if i am wasting our time. Or i am trying to sabotage it? 

I had other romantic interest from my past which i have been trying to get over. She is someone who also seems to have an interest in me but sometimes doe not. I never asked her out. Once in while, she just texts me and i feel the intense anxiety of having to think on what do i text back?  

In comparison, i trying to imagine love with them but i have no idea. Now that i have been in a relationship, i do not know what is love. What happens after i get them to say they like me. Is it flat? Are you supposed to feel fuzzy with them? I am unsure whether i can even feel those. They say love is to choose someone daily. How you know you are making a right choice and not the highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship.

I am mostly looking for answers from other males and avoidants if any. Fearful avoidants would be great. How does love look like? Is it always intense? I am a very independent and career oriented person and given my middle eastern type of upbringing, i would say that women would just be supporting character. But in fact, they are not. So, how do envision and how to know what i need to look for?

Hello, i am 22M (Avoidant) and my girlfriend/ex/situationship is 23F (Anxious). I need some advice. The problem statement is i believe that i have FOMO.

So, backdrop - It is my first real relationship. Other than other “Flings”, it is the first one that actually went somewhere and the first one whereby i had my first time and everything with her. We have been together for 1.3 years. We met at work and within sometime, i began to get emotionally invested. I asked her out seriously after 9 months and i get rejected hard. We were talking and video calling daily. We then get to work together on a project whereby i got to know that she had been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My whole understanding changed. One thing led to another, we kissed and she broke up with her bf. It took a very long time for me trust her again. And we did the deed. It was her first time too.

Over the course of our relationship, we have broken up 2 times subsequently. Once, i had FOMO about another girl whom i met after the rejection and i couldnt get out of my mind. But i chose my girlfriend and asked her back. Again, lots of trust issues. We went on a trip to turkey together with nobody knowing we went together. We solo travelled and been sneaking out a few times. The last time, we broke up again because of how sour the relationship turned for me whereby i was being put on a pedestal. I was tiring myself and felt that i cannot reciprocate to the degree to which she is invested in me. Now, we have talked after the breakup. We have been talking and chilling. We have always changed post a break up because it is just a waste of time if we get back on same terms. This is what we are assessing at the moment.

Another background information that i believe to be relevant is that in most of my other flings, i was attracted to the idea of them. I never got the courage to ask out and stuff and i am genuinely confused. All of the previous ones, at the beginning, i am very anxious. I want to earn that feeling. I want to do things to get it. I want to be validated by them saying yes and i am very desperate. By here, the power balance shifted after getting together. I was being put on a pedestal and i felt overwhelmed. But i realised that those are deactivating strategies from the book “attached”.

Furthermore, given my childhood which was quite traumatic, i have never seen or known what it is to be in love. The word “love”, i do not have a real way to understand it. Because, i am quite sure she loves me. By the way she acts, talks and do things with care. I also do things with care. Sometimes, i am very honest just so that she knows what she is getting into. Like, i have no idea if i love her. Based on our recent conversation, it is quite direct that i cannot reciprocate her feelings to the same degree. For instance, she will say she misses me and it is visible through the tight hugs. But i am unable to miss that much. I only feel sad when she is leaving to another country or is leaving. But if we are in a small country with not much distance. I used to see her daily at work. I dont feel as if i miss her that much. From my dates, i like spending time with her. I feel comfort in doing so. But i am unable to imagine a future. Why? Because i have no idea what that would look like. She for instance said she would love to cook with me or watch tv. These are very mundane for me and therefore, i am asking whether that is not the case for me? I tend to be very independent whereby i can cook for myself but i love trying to connect and spend time with people in general. Not general, i mean, i choose people very carefully and those i choose, i like spending time with. But i am not certain how to envision my future in a healthy relationship and i also often question whether what we have is a healthy or unhealthy relationship? A trauma bond? While i am sure we can work it out by learning to adapt. I have become much much softer as a person while learning that with her. I have huge FOMO on what if i am wasting our time. Or i am trying to sabotage it? 

I had other romantic interest from my past which i have been trying to get over. She is someone who also seems to have an interest in me but sometimes doe not. I never asked her out. Once in while, she just texts me and i feel the intense anxiety of having to think on what do i text back?  

In comparison, i trying to imagine love with them but i have no idea. Now that i have been in a relationship, i do not know what is love. What happens after i get them to say they like me. Is it flat? Are you supposed to feel fuzzy with them? I am unsure whether i can even feel those. They say love is to choose someone daily. How you know you are making a right choice and not the highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship.

I am mostly looking for answers from other males and avoidants if any. Fearful avoidants would be great. How does love look like? Is it always intense? I am a very independent and career oriented person and given my middle eastern type of upbringing, i would say that women would just be supporting character. But in fact, they are not. So, how do envision and how to know what i need to look for?

Hello, i am 22M (Avoidant) and my girlfriend/ex/situationship is 23F (Anxious). I need some advice. The problem statement is i believe that i have FOMO.

So, backdrop - It is my first real relationship. Other than other “Flings”, it is the first one that actually went somewhere and the first one whereby i had my first time and everything with her. We have been together for 1.3 years. We met at work and within sometime, i began to get emotionally invested. I asked her out seriously after 9 months and i get rejected hard. We were talking and video calling daily. We then get to work together on a project whereby i got to know that she had been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My whole understanding changed. One thing led to another, we kissed and she broke up with her bf. It took a very long time for me trust her again. And we did the deed. It was her first time too.

Over the course of our relationship, we have broken up 2 times subsequently. Once, i had FOMO about another girl whom i met after the rejection and i couldnt get out of my mind. But i chose my girlfriend and asked her back. Again, lots of trust issues. We went on a trip to turkey together with nobody knowing we went together. We solo travelled and been sneaking out a few times. The last time, we broke up again because of how sour the relationship turned for me whereby i was being put on a pedestal. I was tiring myself and felt that i cannot reciprocate to the degree to which she is invested in me. Now, we have talked after the breakup. We have been talking and chilling. We have always changed post a break up because it is just a waste of time if we get back on same terms. This is what we are assessing at the moment.

Another background information that i believe to be relevant is that in most of my other flings, i was attracted to the idea of them. I never got the courage to ask out and stuff and i am genuinely confused. All of the previous ones, at the beginning, i am very anxious. I want to earn that feeling. I want to do things to get it. I want to be validated by them saying yes and i am very desperate. By here, the power balance shifted after getting together. I was being put on a pedestal and i felt overwhelmed. But i realised that those are deactivating strategies from the book “attached”.

Furthermore, given my childhood which was quite traumatic, i have never seen or known what it is to be in love. The word “love”, i do not have a real way to understand it. Because, i am quite sure she loves me. By the way she acts, talks and do things with care. I also do things with care. Sometimes, i am very honest just so that she knows what she is getting into. Like, i have no idea if i love her. Based on our recent conversation, it is quite direct that i cannot reciprocate her feelings to the same degree. For instance, she will say she misses me and it is visible through the tight hugs. But i am unable to miss that much. I only feel sad when she is leaving to another country or is leaving. But if we are in a small country with not much distance. I used to see her daily at work. I dont feel as if i miss her that much. From my dates, i like spending time with her. I feel comfort in doing so. But i am unable to imagine a future. Why? Because i have no idea what that would look like. She for instance said she would love to cook with me or watch tv. These are very mundane for me and therefore, i am asking whether that is not the case for me? I tend to be very independent whereby i can cook for myself but i love trying to connect and spend time with people in general. Not general, i mean, i choose people very carefully and those i choose, i like spending time with. But i am not certain how to envision my future in a healthy relationship and i also often question whether what we have is a healthy or unhealthy relationship? A trauma bond? While i am sure we can work it out by learning to adapt. I have become much much softer as a person while learning that with her. I have huge FOMO on what if i am wasting our time. Or i am trying to sabotage it? 

I had other romantic interest from my past which i have been trying to get over. She is someone who also seems to have an interest in me but sometimes doe not. I never asked her out. Once in while, she just texts me and i feel the intense anxiety of having to think on what do i text back?  

In comparison, i trying to imagine love with them but i have no idea. Now that i have been in a relationship, i do not know what is love. What happens after i get them to say they like me. Is it flat? Are you supposed to feel fuzzy with them? I am unsure whether i can even feel those. They say love is to choose someone daily. How you know you are making a right choice and not the highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship.

I am mostly looking for answers from other males and avoidants if any. Fearful avoidants would be great. How does love look like? Is it always intense? I am a very independent and career oriented person and given my middle eastern type of upbringing, i would say that women would just be supporting character. But in fact, they are not. So, how do envision and how to know what i need to look for?

Hello, i am 22M (Avoidant) and my girlfriend/ex/situationship is 23F (Anxious). I need some advice. The problem statement is i believe that i have FOMO.

So, backdrop - It is my first real relationship. Other than other “Flings”, it is the first one that actually went somewhere and the first one whereby i had my first time and everything with her. We have been together for 1.3 years. We met at work and within sometime, i began to get emotionally invested. I asked her out seriously after 9 months and i get rejected hard. We were talking and video calling daily. We then get to work together on a project whereby i got to know that she had been in a relationship for the past 3 years. My whole understanding changed. One thing led to another, we kissed and she broke up with her bf. It took a very long time for me trust her again. And we did the deed. It was her first time too.

Over the course of our relationship, we have broken up 2 times subsequently. Once, i had FOMO about another girl whom i met after the rejection and i couldnt get out of my mind. But i chose my girlfriend and asked her back. Again, lots of trust issues. We went on a trip to turkey together with nobody knowing we went together. We solo travelled and been sneaking out a few times. The last time, we broke up again because of how sour the relationship turned for me whereby i was being put on a pedestal. I was tiring myself and felt that i cannot reciprocate to the degree to which she is invested in me. Now, we have talked after the breakup. We have been talking and chilling. We have always changed post a break up because it is just a waste of time if we get back on same terms. This is what we are assessing at the moment.

Another background information that i believe to be relevant is that in most of my other flings, i was attracted to the idea of them. I never got the courage to ask out and stuff and i am genuinely confused. All of the previous ones, at the beginning, i am very anxious. I want to earn that feeling. I want to do things to get it. I want to be validated by them saying yes and i am very desperate. By here, the power balance shifted after getting together. I was being put on a pedestal and i felt overwhelmed. But i realised that those are deactivating strategies from the book “attached”.

Furthermore, given my childhood which was quite traumatic, i have never seen or known what it is to be in love. The word “love”, i do not have a real way to understand it. Because, i am quite sure she loves me. By the way she acts, talks and do things with care. I also do things with care. Sometimes, i am very honest just so that she knows what she is getting into. Like, i have no idea if i love her. Based on our recent conversation, it is quite direct that i cannot reciprocate her feelings to the same degree. For instance, she will say she misses me and it is visible through the tight hugs. But i am unable to miss that much. I only feel sad when she is leaving to another country or is leaving. But if we are in a small country with not much distance. I used to see her daily at work. I dont feel as if i miss her that much. From my dates, i like spending time with her. I feel comfort in doing so. But i am unable to imagine a future. Why? Because i have no idea what that would look like. She for instance said she would love to cook with me or watch tv. These are very mundane for me and therefore, i am asking whether that is not the case for me? I tend to be very independent whereby i can cook for myself but i love trying to connect and spend time with people in general. Not general, i mean, i choose people very carefully and those i choose, i like spending time with. But i am not certain how to envision my future in a healthy relationship and i also often question whether what we have is a healthy or unhealthy relationship? A trauma bond? While i am sure we can work it out by learning to adapt. I have become much much softer as a person while learning that with her. I have huge FOMO on what if i am wasting our time. Or i am trying to sabotage it? 

I had other romantic interest from my past which i have been trying to get over. She is someone who also seems to have an interest in me but sometimes doe not. I never asked her out. Once in while, she just texts me and i feel the intense anxiety of having to think on what do i text back?  

In comparison, i trying to imagine love with them but i have no idea. Now that i have been in a relationship, i do not know what is love. What happens after i get them to say they like me. Is it flat? Are you supposed to feel fuzzy with them? I am unsure whether i can even feel those. They say love is to choose someone daily. How you know you are making a right choice and not the highs and lows of an unhealthy relationship.

I am mostly looking for answers from other males and avoidants if any. Fearful avoidants would be great. How does love look like? Is it always intense? I am a very independent and career oriented person and given my middle eastern type of upbringing, i would say that women would just be supporting character. But in fact, they are not. So, how do envision and how to know what i need to look for?