u/Extension_Field_701

I'm not trying to be a dick, every couple of months a group of neighbors/friends ask to come over and want me to cook something. And yeah, cool, I don't mind because I love to cook but after July 4th I've officially taken the stance of "I'll do an entree, but everyone coming has another duty" and it's not like I'm asking for something egregious but this time I threw it out there for volunteering;

• make a veggie dish
• pick up a yellowcake from the grocery store, chocolate or cream cheese frosting or some Betty crocker cake mix and do it yourself or even a 7up cake.
• bring something I need to cook with (I asked someone to buy a gallon of vegetable oil, it's like 8 bucks) since I'm frying a ton of chicken
• bring some good quality lemons for me to make lemonade
• Some chips, veggies and dip for snacks
• Help with cleanup after were done

This supposed to feed about 8-10 people and only 2 have even said anything but I'm also just asking for the load to be taken off me. I'm almost always taking care of all these task on my own (love my boyfriend, but his food choices resemble bachlor chow from Futurama) and don't feel like I'm crazy for saying I don't want to prep, serve and clean with no assistance from anyone (which seems to be a California thing, but I always help a host with cleanup it's how I was raised) and especially with fried chicken and homemade biscuits I'm absolutely not about to do ALL of this.

My BF told me I set a bad example and I switched it up too fast but I don't think so?? Just help me out if I'm hosting with maybe no more than 10 bucks out your pocket.

Just for relevance - I've been trying to not use my phone this year and often during the weekend's unless I have too I keep it off. Hell, often enough it takes me a few days to respond to text and I'm generally back to where I was 10-15 years ago of "I don't consider text important, just call me"

But like.... I get it.... But it feels like such a daily obligation I don't want. I love my BF and I love hearing from him but it's not like I don't see him everyday and share my life with him. But text from anyone just feel like a mental strain on me which is why I have them on silent. The moment I hear that ding or vibrate my nerves get bad and I just feel this need to see it and I hate it!

It came up twice this week that it takes an hour or two for me to respond to his cute good morning/love you text and I explained that I usually only look at my phone during breaks or lunches at work and I'm reading a book on my kindle on my ferry or train ride to work and that it has nothing to do with my love for him - I just can tell my brain gets hooked on a phone and I'm there for hours and I want to stop that behavior and have been trying for months with a decent amount of success.

"Did you feel emotional the first time you drove in Sacramento?"

And yeah, I did. I still do everytime I'm there visiting friends and had a lot of personal and career growth that made me the person I am today in those 4 years.

I ended up in California 12 years ago but Sacramento felt like home and the people here really helped. We spilt, sold the house (the prices now in the same neighborhood have doubled or even tripled) and I ended up in New York for a year before I found my way back to California (sorry the other 49, but best coast).

Every time I visit I'm mad because it's the best place I've been since Katrina forced us out of New Orleans and the city and people always made me feel welcome. Maybe I'm chasing a high because I was married, had a home and had a couple English Bulldogs and was regularly on the river trail riding my bike or dipping my toes when the weather was great.

Anywho, I just want wanted to sing the praises of Sac and thank you all for my time there. I'm in Oakland now working but it doesn't stop me from thinking of you guys.

Before anyone loses their mind please understand a few things;

He never made a lot of money as an architect, the ones that do are RARE. I've learned hardcore how much of a passion this field is and that for many grads that ROI is terrible

A lot of this money came in ways I'm sure he'd like to reverse. He lost a husband, and got a decent chunk of life insurance + widow benefits. His parents both had life insurance and they sold their home and split the money. Classic California situation of "this 30K 3 bedroom home? 3 million for no reason other than location!"

All within a 1.5 year period, it's a windfall that came with his own price. I know how Reddit can get about these things but please don't! Hell I twice told him that I could tell he'd be happier and feel safer if all that didn't happen

Lastly, I don't take money from him. Ever!

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Anywho. We've been together 3 years and I've been okay with the situation but I've made a couple big moves in my career and my job requires a lot more out of me than my previous job where for sure 5 o clock sure felt like the end of my day.

The past six months have made me rethink retiring early and doing nothing. I've jokingly but not really joked "you like bikes, you should go work in a bike shop or something a couple days a week" but it's more to give him a sense of purpose again that doesn't involve hanging out with me.

Again, I love him to death but I don't think I'm crazy for saying "please find a use for your time, I'm happy you want to spend it with me and doing things but not like this"

I've tried explaining this several times but this weekend really started to stab at me. I told him I love him and I wish I could spend my days hiking, working on my art and my hobbies and going to the coffee shop to people watch but I'm working and enjoy my time off. I made plans to get my eyes checked and get new glasses on Friday since we had the day off, the morning of it was a fight because he wanted to drive to a cute little town that normally I'm down for but I wanted to actually take care of business without using my sick time. I just agreed but I told him "I don't have my days free to me like you, my time off is very precious and I need to use it. The places that take my insurance are closed on weekends and this took my availability and I'll have to wait until July or use a sick day please respect that holidays when I work are a much different beast than this." His response was "so spending time with me is less important than doing errands." And yes, sometimes it is my love.

This got worse today because our washer is broken. He mentioned going out to do something and that we could get lunch at my favorite Burger place. I told him that "While the hike and photos are lovely, I need to wash the laundry early so I can have the rest of the day to do other things...." And he actually got upset at the idea of me choosing chores over the summer soltice (sp?) hike he does every year.

It's not reaching a boiling point or anything, but I need to figure out how to navigate this BEFORE it does that. We do a lot of things together and separate but these two incidents made me think on how I'm the "automatic option" when he has 5-6 friends that I'm sure would love to see him or just doing things on his own. Maybe it's because I'm in meetings a lot and I'm finding myself talking for sometimes 4-6 hours straight doing project management but my social battery gets drained much faster these days than it used too and yes, my weekends and holidays sometimes I just want to run an errand, read a book to myself, sit on my ass and do nothing and going to a cute hamlet in the middle of the woods and people watching and interacting with others isn't on my agenda, much less driving. And sometimes yes, laundry is more important than the hike when the basket smells because we have to save it for a week.

I don't think I'm crazy for saying "I love you and love the fact you have this time to yourself but please respect that I'm still working and yes, sometimes this stuff takes presidence than just hanging out."