Trying to quit
I’ve been exploring my sexuality recently, and most of it before now was just through exposure to pornography. I’ve never been with another guy, let alone anyone because of my fear of not being good enough due to a long time addiction to pornography, so exploring now has been very weird.
For some reason, when I get horny lately and hear of all these apps like Sniffies and Grindr with people calling and sending pictures to one another, it sounds so stupid when I’m in the right state of mind, but when I get horny, I slip into a state where I completely lack common sense. I was trying out Sniffies earlier and sent a picture to someone, but as soon as I hit send, I immediately regretted it. I don’t know why I lack absolutely all common sense when I become horny, but it’s gotten to a point where my addiction to pornography has shifted towards online exposure and online exploration which is SO UNSAFE.
Everyday feels like an uphill battle where the hill is actually a mountain, there is an avalanche, and there are boulders raining down from the peak. I’ve resorted to blocking every explicit app and websites possible that I can access pornography (and I’m going to delete my alt twitter account) and “expose” myself on, because I feel as though my horny self is a new personality that I’ve taken on.
This all is TMI, but I really needed to get this all off my chest and use this as accountability. I’m unsure if other people will relate to this, but I’m actually pissed at myself that my addiction has become this severe that I’m taking unsafe measures to try and achieve something (which I don’t even know what I’m trying to achieve since it causes me panic??). Again, all of this is TMI and I’m using this for accountability…blah blah blah…if anyone has any advice for getting over hurdles when it comes to this addiction, let me know please.