Im wondering if it was just him or are others like this? He wasnt much of a reader or a talker, but there were 2 books he held close to heart, and he used them manipulatively and punitively on me over the years to abuse his power and control. These were “the 48 laws of power” and the Bible.
I left my husband, and took our 2 small children (ages 1 and 3 at the time) after almost 8 years of marriage.
He was the charmer who everyone loved.
the ”good guy” who went to church and stood on his beliefs.
But at home, his degree of control, apathy & coldness, intolerance for diversity, refusal to accept any influence from my end, refusal to communicate or compromise in any way on anything, isolation from my friends and family, isolation from my culture, lack of financial help , and lack of household help increased drastically after kids.
He resented my education level & my profesional license and quit his work voluntarily after we had our kids. it felt like he was jealous of how I took care of them and turned himself into the 3rd child instead of stepping up (like I did) as a partner. He regressed in the relationship in every possible way expect for the control, the demands for me to do more, the demands to insidiously convert me into his conservative Christian practices and his unending complaints.
In retrospect I think he wanted to make a trad wife out of me, who would be completely dependent and n him and couple not leave even if I needed to for my own well being. He had us meet with his pastor prior to my graduating grad school to share with the pastor how unhappy this made him and the pastors advice was for me to quit grad school. oh- absolutely not.
when I communicated with him all of the things I already openly shared with him about myself abd within the relationship, such as our differences in spirituality, culture, my need for his participation in financial contribution, ownership of tasks and household contribution and the mental and emotional load and needing to see my family and friends more regularly: He responded with I have mental health problems and that I am sad because I am unwell and I need to see a psychiatrist.
Believing at the time that he as my husband had my best interests in mind- I went- 3 times to be evaluated, assessed, etc. the psychiatrist after spending almost 5 hours with me, found nothing diagnostically , nothing abnormal, nothing that needed medication or medical intervention. she noted that my address was appropriate for my circumstances: the horrible relationship. when I shared the news about no diagnosis with my then husband, he acted really disappointed and frustrated. As though he would have celebrated if I were given a psychiatric Dx.
The thing he hadn’t counted on though, with this encounter, was that it gave me (who at the time I was in a state of brokenness from the constant mental abuse and gaslighting and being told how I needed mental help — no longer trusting or believing myself) enough confidence that crested a crack the size of a thread through the wall of bullshit he had been feeding me all these years , to see enough of a glimmer of light and truth to start making plans to escape out of this psychological prison he had orchestrated. He was not compassionate toward the suffering he caused in the slightest, and the more pain he instilled the more seemingly satisfied he became.
when his plans of psych intervention and medication attempts failed, he tried a few times with religious intervention. one a few occasions he had us meet with a couple from church to counsel me, or push me into how he wanted me to be, live, and whom to be friends with etc- as well as how the things I believed (including culturally) were wrong. He also turned to only Christian counselors for essentially the same thing, but more subtle. this whole thing felt very wrong: because it was.
When I went to the hospital and was admitted for internal bleeding , he didn’t visit. when I went into labor and delivered our first, he left to get only himself food, after my 15 hrs of labor. What he counted on was squeezing the sanity and the life and the resources out of me and discarding me when I (to his hope)became ill or useless to him.
The way he was toward me a was constantly cold, apathetic, unapologetic, without compassion, unreasonable, unemotional (except for anger and months long silent treatments) demeanor. I was beginning to think this flat affect toward me was a personality flaw but in retrospect it was just psychological abuse. Because with others he was warm and charming. This was his way of punishing me when I voiced my opinion, raised concerns or communicated disagreement or a diversity of thought that differed in any way from his. he would even go into silent treatment for months when I didn’t do what he wanted. Sulking and manipulating until he would get his way, he called it “effective “. Until I saw enough.
It took me a few months to plan and arrange moving, and to also let him know about my moving out and separating, but once I left with the kids, I regained my strength, my joy, my love for life & all of the beautiful things I lost in myself living with him. my health and happiness returned & I have never been better.
Thinking back, I know if I had stayed and continued to allow him to manipulate me mentally and psychologically, I would have continued to decline mentally, and the thought of that is frightening. in retrospect he didn’t care about me as a person. he wanted a wife- appliance, took pride in his need to convert me into his (abusive, controlling) conservative Christian practices, and wanted to mold me into the thing he wanted…versus taking me as I am and seeing if the two of us were honestly compatible and aligned in all the ways necessary for a healthy long term relationship. but even in our 4 years of dating- he strung me along and was not honest or open about his religious goals, his lifestyle goals , his political preferences, his cultural biases, his views on family and friends, his personal prejudices, etc— while with him I was open and honest about mine. but these differences didnt matter to him , not because he was open minded, flexible or accepting, but because he had a plan to convert me entirely. how disgusting.
Now he is in social media complaining and blaming the court system (posting and calling judges and attorneys demonic and satanic) for not believing in “nuclear family”. He continues blaming them and anyone except himself for my leaving and divorcing him, while he leads an online father’s support group for divorcing dads .
what reminded me about this from the Clancy case is that he was always and currently is big on outer appearances, his presentation to the world, and being viewed as “the good guy” the unsuspecting guy, while he worked very hard to antagonize me into reacting, manipulate me into believing I had a mental health problem, painting the picture to the world that I was and am the villain.
Meanwhile, after 5 years of initiating divorce, it finally finalizing no thanks to him dragging it out with endless futile and frivolous motions, he has yet to pay CP and has abandoned his professional field to try and skirt financial responsibility ( choosing to rent a room with a whole other family with their own kids) claiming indigence.
I am so grateful I escaped his madness before it was too late. I have a safe refuge I call home, without being fed bs for dinner. The kids are excellent & my relationships w family and friends have restored. Life is beautiful.