u/FairySeasfreedom411

3 weeks post op, and need tips to resolve abdomen & above scar shelf.

When is the best time to start exercises? Which ones help the most? (Deadbugs? V-ups? Bird dogs? Planks?)

How about those postpartum velcro wraps? Do they help?

I have no words.

This just happened last week & I’m still processing it.

(Left him 6 years ago btw, shared custody, kids live with me, he sees them every other weekend due to living 2 hrs away).

Xh is big on his Christian beliefs, to the point of delusion. He also used religion as a way to control, manipulate, isolate and psychologically abuse.

Recently, our son tells me that “daddy said you didn’t give birth to me, god did.”

I told him, well if daddy told you that that means I’m not your mother, so who is?”

Son says, “you are” .

I said yes I am, and I did give birth to you.

I asked him what do you think it means if what someone tells you does not line up with reality or what actually happened? Does it support what they told you as truth or a lie?

I left it at that.

Flabbergasted. How would you respond?

A part of me wanted to rage text xh but I held it together and just detailed what was said for the record as objectively as I could muster up for myself.

This was such a sad story to watch, I had to stop it a few times to collect myself. I noticed some overlapping between jp miller’s abuse tactics & my xh.

Short background: xh is hyper religious, used religion as a form of control, punishment, manipulation, financial abuse, psychological abuse, coercive control, etc.

Here are some of the overlaps.

His deliberate daily torment driving her mental health breakdown and having her begin taking medications.
—-this was something xh really pushed for- for me. Claiming I had “dep/anx and that meds would help us. He told me to see a psychiatrist- I did. After 3 visits and a very comprehensive evaluation, doc concluded with no dx, only distress that was emotively appropriate And Normal for my situation (stressful marriage/abusiveness). When I came ho to share the (what I thought was) good news, he was extremely disappointed and upset. But on the other hand it helped me reclaim my confidence after years of him gaslighting me into thinking I had psych issues.

Him using religion to justify misogyny , control , isolation, and suffering he inflicted .
—-he was never wrong because he could always find a Bible verse to seemingly support his tactics and behavior against me. My family wasn’t “Christian “ so I had to stop seeing them, also my friends. My post grad program he saw as “demonic” so he had his pastor tell me to quit grad school because that would be the solution for him being upset with me about it . (Spoiler alter: absolutely tf not. I graduated & got licensed & thank my dedication & rigor for a career and financial independence). He told me if I don’t tithe I’m getting in his way of receiving blessings and answering prayers (while he didn’t even reliably contribute to the household) and I never believed in tithing other than it being a grift tbh.

He used his craftiness, charm and charisma to attract and trap his wife.
—-I’ve learned through experience that charm and charisma are to be read as red flags. That it is window dressing and part of their performance to cover their character and their motives. Usually these men are physically attractive and use this to their advantage.

He lacked emotional competence, empathy, remorse and self reflection
—-I could never approach him with a problem and receive a solution, a plan, a workaround. I was only ever met with defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, adult sulking in the form of weeks long silent treatment. And if he witnessed me feel sad or cry from being upset - this would annoy him further & he would accuse me of playing the victim and using tears as manipulation—which I never did.

He loves attention, lecturing a crowd, being in a position of authority (without having earned it)
—he is on TikTok preaching to people about god, and how horrible I am because I left him (6 years and counting, and we are divorced) and shares information about me still to this day , updating his audience about my relationship status, the small town I moved to, my growing family, and getting a new home. He leads a Christian men’s group online for men going through divorce.

Never ending obsession and entitlement over her, and over her life even after she left.
—-he tracks the kids iPad and has it locked so I cannot remove it , but since I found out I keep it at home always. He has never stepped foot in my home since I left, but when the kids were very little he asked them to walk around the house to every room to show him on the camera (when I saw this I had a gentle talk with the kids and set a boundary to a keep the convos in a cozy corner when he calls). I believe he tracks my car or phone because he knows when I’m at the airport, at the hospital, at my parents house. He is friends with men in the police department and has looked up license plates of my partner and run background checks on him (and has let me know his full name and processional licensing and credentials, and his parents address- non of which is publicly posted).

With holding medication
—he did this with our daughter’s chemo medication on his visits, I found out when I discovered all the full bottles of liquid in his kitchen cabinet. It ended up coming back and she needed a bone marrow transplant. Thank goodness my bone marrow worked successfully and she’s been in remission since 2023.

Superiority complex
— not only does he see himself as the most attractive, most masculine, most handsome, but he also sees himself as the smartest and most to able to over advice above anyone else.
And n s room full of doctors- he thinks he knows more than them (he has zero medical background). In a courtroom , he thinks he knows more than the attorneys and judge (he went pro se in our divorce, and used chatgpt for all of his frivolous motions and claims). He is a “financial expert “ professionally now, and never went to school for finance or business (he has an audio recording degree)

Fervor for generating support for his outlandish beliefs
—— since he did not get what he wanted in the divorce (which he was super angry about to begin with), he has started a petition on change . Org for Christian persecution in court and calling for freedom of religion in the court system. His idea though, of religious freedom is the requirement to use the Bible in court to make rulings (which is actually religious discrimination) .

The take away:
There is more but this is enough…the moral of the story is I am so glad I escaped with the kids when I did because it saved my life/ our lives. I have been able to regain my peace, my joy my whimsy for life, and my health has improved so much as well. He worked so hard to make me not trust myself and to “lean on god/him/church ministers for any advice” which only resulted in control and manipulation and harm. Snapping out of it and trusting my intuition again reminded me that it was always accurate, and to never let anyone manipulate me away from myself again. This type of psychological abuse is a slow-kill program. My final question is, how are these men running the same program with so many overlapping tactics? I feel sad for the victims and survivors of this type of abuse & I hope for your freedom and safety.

For today’s exchange, I have communicated where to pick up our children’s belongings (usual place, my front door) as well as where they are (also usual place: school). Yet he is antagonizing and ignoring my communication, saying I am not communicating (I have and always do- with receipts)- he still drives to my parents house to check for the bag, and then at my new home where I haven’t moved in yet or even ever shared the address (he just searches my name in the county and found the public record) . But none of these visits were necessary since I already told him where the bag was (again, same location as always) . Can I report him for stalking or harassment? He already left so I don’t think trespassing will stick. But he loves to antagonize, gaslight, accuse, harass, and act like he can’t read. Anything I can do?

This is JUST one of his public online posts following our divorce and it is insane. Looks like he used chat gpt to help him write this ridiculous post on Change.org calling for change in the courts against “Christian bias “ spoiler: there Is No bias against Christians in court (nor any other religion— that’s the point) . What he is fighting for is to Impose his religion in court for judgements (ie: using the Bible to rule on a case). He is so self absorbed and entitled that imposing his beliefs in court is his idea of “freedom of religion “…I kid you not. His lens of the world is completely obstructed not realizing just how ignorant, biased and oppressive this is to suggest. He is also claiming “polyamory” . This is a wild claim and he only feels like this based on his personal entitlement: 2 years after I left and moved out and filed for divorce, I met someone. And he calls this polyamory- even though it had been well over between us, even though we didn’t live together, even though divorce proceedings had begun —he still felt ownership and rights over me. Barf. He also claims “alternative spiritual practices “ which is hilarious, anything outside of his strict church idea of Christian practice he considers “evil” and “witchcraft “ and “demonic” and “harmful “. His ignorance is as deep and his opinions are wide, and his woe is me “victim” cries know no bounds. He really expects the laws to blend in the Christian Bible and merge church and state as the “right thing for all” . 👀 So glad I left this insanity.

It has been 5 years since I left with the kids, and We have shared custody, he has them a couple weekends monthly by mutual agreement & distance since separation. The divorce finalized recently. But, he has been fixated on complaining and updating the world on his social media to date, even post divorce, instead of leaving me to live in peace and moving on.

I am at peace, happy and moved on. While he is spiraling and crashing out.

A little background: he is a conservative Christian (not openly in the first 4 years) who used his religion to wield power, control and punishment over me in marriage. He became mentally, emotionally, verbally, financially, and religiously abusive. He was overall dismissive avoidant such that any confrontation to address and resolve any issue (as loving and respectful as it was presented) was met with defensiveness, blame shifting, stonewalling and silent treatment sulking for weeks to months (instead of interest, curiosity, genuine concern, respect, consideration and love). Along with providing less and less domestic or financial help (minimal to none) and issuing to me worsening complaints and demands at the same time.

Nowadays he will not stop talking about his side of things and being persecuted because he is Christian. He lists the town I moved to, and the cost of the home I purchased (all post divorce), my relationship details with my new partner, my medical information (yes all publicly), and winds up his viewers into his religious indignation. I’m getting scared because he is riling ppl up like a wannabe Trump when he incited the insurrection.

He paints himself as the victim and being under attack. But he never mentions that he never paid a dime for child support. because he doesn’t communicate reliably for logistical (child care, school, doc visits for the children) or provide any documentation for any claims he demanded- he was not granted any of his asks.

I want him to stop and to leave me alone. I tried going to the police about him possibly pulling my credit report post divorce to see my financial records but they need more evidence. I reported him for identity theft. And I don’t know what else to do. I am not in social media like he is and I have not commented or responded to any of his TikTok videos, but they have been such rage bait and worsening by the week with his downward spiral.

What would you do if you were in this situation?

Im wondering if it was just him or are others like this? He wasnt much of a reader or a talker, but there were 2 books he held close to heart, and he used them manipulatively and punitively on me over the years to abuse his power and control. These were “the 48 laws of power” and the Bible.

I left my husband, and took our 2 small children (ages 1 and 3 at the time) after almost 8 years of marriage.

He was the charmer who everyone loved.

the ”good guy” who went to church and stood on his beliefs.

But at home, his degree of control, apathy & coldness, intolerance for diversity, refusal to accept any influence from my end, refusal to communicate or compromise in any way on anything, isolation from my friends and family, isolation from my culture, lack of financial help , and lack of household help increased drastically after kids.

He resented my education level & my profesional license and quit his work voluntarily after we had our kids. it felt like he was jealous of how I took care of them and turned himself into the 3rd child instead of stepping up (like I did) as a partner. He regressed in the relationship in every possible way expect for the control, the demands for me to do more, the demands to insidiously convert me into his conservative Christian practices and his unending complaints.

In retrospect I think he wanted to make a trad wife out of me, who would be completely dependent and n him and couple not leave even if I needed to for my own well being. He had us meet with his pastor prior to my graduating grad school to share with the pastor how unhappy this made him and the pastors advice was for me to quit grad school. oh- absolutely not.

when I communicated with him all of the things I already openly shared with him about myself abd within the relationship, such as our differences in spirituality, culture, my need for his participation in financial contribution, ownership of tasks and household contribution and the mental and emotional load and needing to see my family and friends more regularly: He responded with I have mental health problems and that I am sad because I am unwell and I need to see a psychiatrist.

Believing at the time that he as my husband had my best interests in mind- I went- 3 times to be evaluated, assessed, etc. the psychiatrist after spending almost 5 hours with me, found nothing diagnostically , nothing abnormal, nothing that needed medication or medical intervention. she noted that my address was appropriate for my circumstances: the horrible relationship. when I shared the news about no diagnosis with my then husband, he acted really disappointed and frustrated. As though he would have celebrated if I were given a psychiatric Dx.

The thing he hadn’t counted on though, with this encounter, was that it gave me (who at the time I was in a state of brokenness from the constant mental abuse and gaslighting and being told how I needed mental help — no longer trusting or believing myself) enough confidence that crested a crack the size of a thread through the wall of bullshit he had been feeding me all these years , to see enough of a glimmer of light and truth to start making plans to escape out of this psychological prison he had orchestrated. He was not compassionate toward the suffering he caused in the slightest, and the more pain he instilled the more seemingly satisfied he became.

when his plans of psych intervention and medication attempts failed, he tried a few times with religious intervention. one a few occasions he had us meet with a couple from church to counsel me, or push me into how he wanted me to be, live, and whom to be friends with etc- as well as how the things I believed (including culturally) were wrong. He also turned to only Christian counselors for essentially the same thing, but more subtle. this whole thing felt very wrong: because it was.

When I went to the hospital and was admitted for internal bleeding , he didn’t visit. when I went into labor and delivered our first, he left to get only himself food, after my 15 hrs of labor. What he counted on was squeezing the sanity and the life and the resources out of me and discarding me when I (to his hope)became ill or useless to him.

The way he was toward me a was constantly cold, apathetic, unapologetic, without compassion, unreasonable, unemotional (except for anger and months long silent treatments) demeanor. I was beginning to think this flat affect toward me was a personality flaw but in retrospect it was just psychological abuse. Because with others he was warm and charming. This was his way of punishing me when I voiced my opinion, raised concerns or communicated disagreement or a diversity of thought that differed in any way from his. he would even go into silent treatment for months when I didn’t do what he wanted. Sulking and manipulating until he would get his way, he called it “effective “. Until I saw enough.

It took me a few months to plan and arrange moving, and to also let him know about my moving out and separating, but once I left with the kids, I regained my strength, my joy, my love for life & all of the beautiful things I lost in myself living with him. my health and happiness returned & I have never been better.

Thinking back, I know if I had stayed and continued to allow him to manipulate me mentally and psychologically, I would have continued to decline mentally, and the thought of that is frightening. in retrospect he didn’t care about me as a person. he wanted a wife- appliance, took pride in his need to convert me into his (abusive, controlling) conservative Christian practices, and wanted to mold me into the thing he wanted…versus taking me as I am and seeing if the two of us were honestly compatible and aligned in all the ways necessary for a healthy long term relationship. but even in our 4 years of dating- he strung me along and was not honest or open about his religious goals, his lifestyle goals , his political preferences, his cultural biases, his views on family and friends, his personal prejudices, etc— while with him I was open and honest about mine. but these differences didnt matter to him , not because he was open minded, flexible or accepting, but because he had a plan to convert me entirely. how disgusting.

Now he is in social media complaining and blaming the court system (posting and calling judges and attorneys demonic and satanic) for not believing in “nuclear family”. He continues blaming them and anyone except himself for my leaving and divorcing him, while he leads an online father’s support group for divorcing dads .

what reminded me about this from the Clancy case is that he was always and currently is big on outer appearances, his presentation to the world, and being viewed as “the good guy” the unsuspecting guy, while he worked very hard to antagonize me into reacting, manipulate me into believing I had a mental health problem, painting the picture to the world that I was and am the villain.

Meanwhile, after 5 years of initiating divorce, it finally finalizing no thanks to him dragging it out with endless futile and frivolous motions, he has yet to pay CP and has abandoned his professional field to try and skirt financial responsibility ( choosing to rent a room with a whole other family with their own kids) claiming indigence.

I am so grateful I escaped his madness before it was too late. I have a safe refuge I call home, without being fed bs for dinner. The kids are excellent & my relationships w family and friends have restored. Life is beautiful.