I don’t know what to say
I (30) have been with my partner (29) for the past three years. Recently (to no surprise), they have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I’m just so drained and I don’t know what to do. My partner has a history of SI. Last year they left the house, didn’t tell me where they were going or for how long. They left in the morning and once nightfall hit I had to call the cops and local hospitals to see if they are okay. I had no idea what to do and I was terrified and so angry at the same time.
Since being given their diagnosis they have started meds and I thought it was going to get better. I thought they would stabilize and that they could be reliable again. I couldn’t be more wrong. I don’t know who I’m going to wake up with and what is going to set them off. We got into a fight yesterday and I just lost it. I can tell when they are starting to become overwhelmed to the point of just shutting down, laying in bed all day underneath the covers, and I just am so fed up with it. They have been complaining of gaining weight and when they went to lay in bed like they have time and time again, I said something along the lines of “and this is why you’re gaining weight”. It wasn’t nice, it wasn’t kind, and I didn’t care.
I have been keeping it together for us. I know that if I laid in bed and became avoidant in the same way, then nothing would get done around the house, we would be behind on bills, and my pup wouldn’t be taken care if. I recognize that I have a lot of resentment. I have resentment because I wish I could shut myself off from the world and still have things taken care of. I have resentment towards myself because I have let this cycle continue. I have resentment because my partner isn’t reliable, consistent, or predictable. We make plans a few weeks out, they get upset, we get into a fight, then they cancel the plans. This has happened so many times and it draining.
I know that I will write this post, submit it, and even with all of this anger I know I still stay in this relationship. I don’t know how people can’t be kind with their partner when their partner has become so selfish.