u/FarCorner5035

So, I’m in my mid-teens. And my family doesn’t take frequent vacations. And by that I mean we never take any vacations any of the time. Like we might go out to a hotel to spend three nights in a town that’s about 1hr-2hrs from home once a year, but that’s it. No going to special places in town we’ve never been,nothing. And I know it’s not my parents fault. They work retail and are lucky to get two days off per week so I don’t blame them. I just can’t help but feel a little upset I’m never going anywhere special, never doing anything out of normal routines. Taking care of the pets, washing the dishes, just household chores.

I used to go to the grocery store once a week but even that has become less frequent as of lately. Since my mother can pay a Walmart delivery driver to bring it to home, we have to go to the store less often. Which, may be a stress off her but it’s a little sad for me. Sure, I may be a little dramatic, but I just hate staying home. I’m also homeschooled, which means now I’m barely socializing and yes, I sometimes can hate interacting with strangers but it’s better than lounging around the house doing nothing. Nowadays I feel lucky to go to the local dollar general that is five mins from home. But even that has become the normal so much it doesn’t even feel special, just like routine. I have felt so bored lately. I’m not good at gaming and I feel like a burden to be let on one of the games I wanna play because I suck so bad I feel like it’s not even funny anymore. Watching movies is fun with my sister and her boyfriend and I feel like that’s one of the only things that bring me joy, along with drawing occasionally and I love crocheting, but none of these things are what i actually want to do. I just wanna go somewhere and do something that’s out of the usual, something we usually don’t do like going to the ice cream shop in town or going to the park. I know my mother and father are happy to be home for the day after work or happy that they finally get a day off and just wanna clean the house or chill at home, but I can’t help but feel depressed that I’m never leaving, and when I am, it’s the littlest of amount of time it barely even matters.

I am fully aware I have bulimia or some other similar ed. After thinking and rethinking it so many times bc on other posts I have said that I am anorexic because I fear I am desperate to be worse than I am. (Not to say that bulimia isn’t as serious as anorexia, it is. That’s just my silly hellscape of a mind trying to tell me that one is more important than the other)

Late in the night or evening, I can convince myself I’m going to be better, that I am going to eat three full meals and have enough nutrients for my body to stay living. While in the morning, I fully ignore the vows I made to myself and ignore the thought of eating until I get so sick and nauseous I can’t take it. I usually skip breakfast and snack a bit for lunch. Then, usually after 3-4 in the afternoon, I convince myself it’s okay to eat (which it is, but not the amount of times I say it to myself) and it’s usually a bag of candy, or an ice cream cone or a high calorie variant of sweet. Then I eat dinner, and after dinner all my plans of starving myself until I become a twig come crashing down and I end up binging on sodas, cake, chips, basically any junk food.

See, what I have are cycles. Routines that I have memorized perfectly. First is eating without thinking. If I want to eat it, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. Simple but not efficient for healthy weight loss (which is, ultimately, what would probably get rid of this whole problem as an obese teen girl raised around obese adults) secondly, I eat with intent, less than I should and justifying it in my mind by saying it’s what’s going to make me look prettier. That amount gets less and less until it becomes more and more, except the more is more junk food,which is why I don’t lose any weight. Then I start purging, exercising excessively, throwing it back up when I claim I’m taking a shower. Then I’m in the middle, where half the day is fasting and the other half is binging. Which is the part of the cycle I’m in now. Then, after a few weeks of this, I get motivated one day and end up eating healthier. And by healthy, I mean like whole foods, Greek yogurt, boiled eggs and other genuinely healthy. Which is my favorite part of the cycle, I feel great, my body feels great. Everything. Then I end up eating more junk food and slowly getting back to the beginning of the cycle.

I just want to be better. I’m sick of feeling this way but I can’t stop thinking about “the perfect body” or anything about the way I look and how I wish I did. I’m scared to death of disappointing my family. My parents are already in a bad financial situation after my father got fired a month ago so not only do I not want to give them another stress in life currently, but also I don’t want my mother to feel like she has to get me in therapy when there are bills that need to be paid and pets to be fed and family members to have full stomachs. I just don’t want to be a burden but I also can’t help but be a little sick of the silence.

I am fully aware I have bulimia or some other similar ed. After thinking and rethinking it so many times bc on other posts I have said that I am anorexic because I fear I am desperate to be worse than I am. (Not to say that bulimia isn’t as serious as anorexia, it is. That’s just my silly hellscape of a mind trying to tell me that one is more important than the other)

Late in the night or evening, I can convince myself I’m going to be better, that I am going to eat three full meals and have enough nutrients for my body to stay living. While in the morning, I fully ignore the vows I made to myself and ignore the thought of eating until I get so sick and nauseous I can’t take it. I usually skip breakfast and snack a bit for lunch. Then, usually after 3-4 in the afternoon, I convince myself it’s okay to eat (which it is, but not the amount of times I say it to myself) and it’s usually a bag of candy, or an ice cream cone or a high calorie variant of sweet. Then I eat dinner, and after dinner all my plans of starving myself until I become a twig come crashing down and I end up binging on sodas, cake, chips, basically any junk food.

See, what I have are cycles. Routines that I have memorized perfectly. First is eating without thinking. If I want to eat it, I do, if I don’t, I don’t. Simple but not efficient for healthy weight loss (which is, ultimately, what would probably get rid of this whole problem as an obese teen girl raised around obese adults) secondly, I eat with intent, less than I should and justifying it in my mind by saying it’s what’s going to make me look prettier. That amount gets less and less until it becomes more and more, except the more is more junk food,which is why I don’t lose any weight. Then I start purging, exercising excessively, throwing it back up when I claim I’m taking a shower. Then I’m in the middle, where half the day is fasting and the other half is binging. Which is the part of the cycle I’m in now. Then, after a few weeks of this, I get motivated one day and end up eating healthier. And by healthy, I mean like whole foods, Greek yogurt, boiled eggs and other genuinely healthy. Which is my favorite part of the cycle, I feel great, my body feels great. Everything. Then I end up eating more junk food and slowly getting back to the beginning of the cycle.

I just want to be better. I’m sick of feeling this way but I can’t stop thinking about “the perfect body” or anything about the way I look and how I wish I did. I’m scared to death of disappointing my family. My parents are already in a bad financial situation after my father got fired a month ago so not only do I not want to give them another stress in life currently, but also I don’t want my mother to feel like she has to get me in therapy when there are bills that need to be paid and pets to be fed and family members to have full stomachs. I just don’t want to be a burden but I also can’t help but be a little sick of the silence.

Yesterday I binged on whatever sounded good at whatever time. I felt so full. So heavy. And yet I still ate dinner like a greedy pig.

I look in the mirror and I’m disappointed I don’t look how I did before I started eating again. Even if it may be barely noticeable to the people around me, I still mourn the body I had before. Right now, I’m thinking how my chubby chin looks pressed against my chest as I’m looking down at my phone, writing this post.

I feel ugly, unloved and most definitely fat. I feel the need to skip every other type of food for today and give myself a fast, though that won’t help. Because then, I’ll have the problem of being so hungry that I’ll binge again. It’s always an on and off battle of that. I want to get better. But I’m humiliated to admit that I binge along with fasting. I wish I only fasted. Then maybe I’d be more pressed to tell people.

Or maybe I can hold down a fast for today. I can make myself feel lighter again. I want to eat a normal amount. I don’t want it to be either too much or not enough.

I am heavily overweight. I grew up very insecure about it so now I have this silly little disorder that doesnt seem to care I don’t want to binge at all.

I also have seemed to have no appetite as of recently. It’s just the simple fact of eating that either seems like the most challenging or most easy thing in the world. I want help, but my mind makes me fear I haven’t struggled long enough to even be considered as what I think is bulimic.