Is my life ever gonna get back on track? Am I going to be okay?
The last time I posted here about feeling depressed was my first time posting on reddit, I was really happy finding people who related, who gave advice and showed empathy, that was the happiest I had felt after a long time, despite that I could not really get myself to respond to any of them, the reason? me not knowing what to say, how to say, fear of saying something wrong and leaving a bad impression.
This time once again I am feeling the same thing, I have got 8 days left before my 19th birthday, its going to be 1 year since i finished my high school, a year of gap with nothing productive, filled with procrastination and overthinking, turning 19 does not feel right, I do not feel ready, I really do not know how I bought this upon myself, up until high school I was a really bright student, I was the A* student who everyone expected would excel after highschool too, I dont know what happened in just 1 year that put me in this position, I went from caring about every step, every action to being reckless, I went from working hard to prorastinating so bad that 5 minutes before the deadline and i still do not feel anything, I went from being sensitive about money to being so reckless that every penny i have goes to unnecessary things rather than saving for my college, hearing everyone say you are the country topper its easy for you, you will get scholarships everywhere, and knowing deep down that i havent even been able to apply to a good college hurts, for someone who used to be up till 10 in the night, now sleeping at 3 in the night has become a norm, for someone who used to find it fascinating how a person could be in their 20s and still be scrolling reels endlessly rather than getting their life together, the same reels have now taken over my life, doom scrolling is not all, i am addicted to my phone, i do not know when this happened, i used to be someone who had max 2 hours of screen time and now its over 18 a day, I have tried every way to get out of this nothing seems to work, life seems like it is falling apart all at once, sometimes it feels like I am no worse than an alcohol addict, I am addicted to junk food, I try exercising, I make plans for everything but never really end up doing them, I am addicted to instagram and random youtube videos, my brain is so addicted that i need to keep hearing the youtube videos run in the background, I had friends who loved me, I tell myself that today i will text them, but i am not ready to face them, i am pushing myself away from them so slowly that i wont even realize when i do not have friends anymore and i know its my fault but i cannot go infront of them with this face, this body, this condition, this sleep schedule has taken a toll on my physical appearance, i went from being average attractive to someone with dull skill, deep dark circles, acne and all, at this point it feels like not even surgery can help, 1 year of wasted time, 1 year of lost potential and i cannot seem to move on, home does not seem like home anymore, i want to move out, i wish to experience life, but where i live family relationships are valued a lot, living together is the norm here, i do not have a choice to move out and live on my own, i feel like an alien, with everyone giving me a look of what happened to her, what is wrong with her, high expectations and all it took was 1 year for all that to crash, i do not know what do i do how do i do, how to get myself together, how to be what i used to be, how to be what i wish to be, I really need people who would understand who are going through similar things, who have been through this, I need help, I need advice, somewhere i belong, somewhere we could improve, I am so thankful to anyone who would reply to this, I am also really sorry if i do not respond to your advice, your help and your king words just because of my incapability to communicate,
all in all life feels easy on the outside, deep down every night the burder of passing days, growing up, having to figure things out and moving on from what went wrong keeps getting heavier, sometimes it feels like I wish there was a place where i could go to pour all my emotions out, cry hard and forget everything and become normal like i used to be, will i ever be what i was?