u/FartInAShitFactory

Hey. I'm going to hide here for a moment. I blew up my life and God (and parents) rescued me. I could have died. Spoiler, I am alive but still learning from my mistakes.

What did I learn?

Codependency is bad. Always take your medicine. Appreciate what you have BEFORE it is gone. If they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you. Flirting is not a healthy social habit and it can make people uncomfortable.

A thirty year age gap is too much for dating. Don't flirt with men (as a man) unless you are gay. Second reminder, always take your medicine. Especially if it is a mood stabilizer.

Don't throw your wife's things into the yard. You can never trust a liar. People pleasers are liars. There might be a hidden text chain, but it isn't your job to stop cheaters from cheating.

Check your ego often. Try to stay humble. Don't try to control or "save" others. Drugs are not a personality. People have whole lives happening when you aren't there. Wear appropriate clothes to the hospital.

Nobody likes manic pixie dream boys. Don't judge people based on their diagnosis. Everyone will take sides after a breakup, so don't get too attached. Fear will destroy you if you let it. No, it's not better to ask forgiveness than permission, that is disgusting and consent is key.

Covid broke a lot of people. If you believe you are a prophet, you should have taken those mood stabilizers. Just because you are crazy, doesn't mean people aren't out to get you.

Seriously, quit flirting. If you are involuntarily committed, make sure you have someone who can check you out before you went in. If you lose weight, your back pain might stop. Try stretching and Yoga if you have back pain.

You CAN be dependent on marijuana. Things you depend on can break or leave. If you just blew up your past, don't blow up your future. Don't lose your car. Losing thirty pounds in two weeks is bad for you.

Don't flick off the cops or propose to them, even if it is funny. Know just a little about police interactions and property law. Be nice to anyone who can detain you for any period of time, especially police and doctors.

Oh God. My heart is broken and I am bleeding everywhere. Oh great, it's getting onto everything. And I don't have a "wet floor" sign. What if someone slips?

It's everywhere! Who is going to clean this up?

How much can you lose before you

You rescued me, but I feel alone. Why can't I surrender? And if I do, why don't I let this go and decide to change?

You could take this from me. I choose to fight and wrestle with you, because I need you and the only way I know is to fight.

Please give me a new way to love that isn't destruction. I need a new way to live. Please, I beg you, change my heart.

I do not need other people to validate my existence. I do not need to be in a relationship to feel valued and whole. I don't need to control others to feel safe and comfortable. Flirting is not a stable social strategy and can push good people away.

We don't need to perform. We can be ourselves and just exist for ourselves. I don't need to become attached to people I have just met. My emotions do not control my behavior. I can self-comfort and I do not need others to regulate my emotions.

I am not my past and I am not my mistakes. I can choose to let go of the pain of memories while retaining what I have learned. I will continue to strive forward and I will keep my attention on the present to prepare for the future.

I choose to release my harmful behaviors and I believe God can take them from me. I pray that God takes away anything that gets in between Him and I. I pray that God works His will in my life. I admit that my life has become unmanageable and that my wisdom has failed.

Meditate on where you are now and the good things in your life. Be thankful for what you have, not concerned with what you have lost. Be content in the present.

There is nothing else I can learn from the past. I have to let it go and forget about the mistakes I made. I need to continue straining towards the future and keep my eyes forward.

The past is familiar and gives a false sense of comfort. But we are dead there; there is no life in the past. As for me, I surrender my doubts, my fear, and my confusion. I choose this because I have chosen to live.

I will play the cards I have been dealt and take my life step by step. Where we hold our thoughts becomes where we keep our hearts and our treasure. Living in the past robs us of our present and our future.

Please, for your future, let your past go.

I am a recovering codependent. I was baptized as a child because the girl I had a crush on at church was getting baptized. I did accept Jesus as my savior, but it started for the wrong reasons.

Now, I am an adult and I cannot continue to live with this codependent behavior. I am dedicating myself to this New Life and saying Goodbye to my old life. I walked away from the church, but after realizing that I was lost, I have returned to find that I needed God all along.

I cannot recover as a codependent without God, I know this now. So I have returned to the church and I am getting baptized (again). It will signify my resolution to change my ways and my hope is that I will be committed to changing.

I had to write a testimony and that became step eight from the AA big book. I didn't go into writing the testimony with that intent, but it became a list of people I had hurt with my behavior.

I was devastated by the realization that my life has been a string of relationships that ended catastrophically. I cannot change the past, but I want to change my behavior for my future.

I cannot contact these people but I would confess to the wrong things I have done. I never want to repeat these behaviors.

TW: suicide, violence, abuse, cheating, abandonment.

I have threatened people with violence after being rejected. I have decided people were beneath me and cut them off. I have cheated in relationships and abandoned my partners and the commitments I made. I have threatened suicide to keep from having to work and avoid the consequences of my actions. I rejected people because I was afraid they would reject me and ended the relationship without accepting responsibility. I burned bridges when I couldn't control people and abused their trust. I used my disability to excuse my actions. I lied to cover for my actions and my failings. I made promises I never intended to keep. I talked about people behind their backs.

I am genuinely sorry, and I want to change.

They say if the love is real, we would work it out. But we kept hurting each other until I believed leaving was showing you I loved you. I left because I wanted you to be happy. I wanted to absolve you of your sin. But I am not a god. And I am sorry that I hurt you.

You are enough. You are worthwhile. Please. See yourself how I see you. You are whole.

I haven't had to make new friends in years, and I don't remember how. And I have only really made friends with other codependent people. I am trying to become a recognized regular, but I am over eager and rushing in.

I can be charming and charismatic, and I tend to push people's boundaries. ​I can recognize the behaviors now, but I can't seem to stop myself from pushing things too far.

I have now asked three separate people to hangout after only meeting them one to three times for a local game night.

Any tips on how to make friends as a recovering codependent?

I am self-sabotaging. If I message my ex, it could very literally ruin me financially for the rest of my life. I am sad, and I am trying to give myself a reason to be sad.

It would do absolutely 💯 no good and would only harm everyone involved.

We have a mutual restraining order that cost me thousands of dollars and if I break it on my end, I would have both a civil penalty and could end up with a criminal record.

Also, she did so much damage I had to be hospitalized for two weeks and I owe thousands in medical bills.

I can understand being sad and feeling grief, but this is a level of self-destruction that I cannot handle.

I think my life has become unmanageable and I need God to... oh. I'm trying to fight God. Again.

OK, I am trying to manipulate God.​

edit: went to a CoDA meetings today and talked with a potential sponsor. Thanks everyone!

Does anyone know any good methods of building internal validation?

I counted on others to help me understand how I was feeling, but I recently cut off all my friends and half my family, so I have to figure myself out on my own. (Yay recovery!)

But I keep finding myself wanting to reach out to someone for validation, which is a problem.

I am journaling and in therapy. But I would appreciate any advice on building internal validation.

I can accept that I am codependent. But I don't want this to be my identity. I understand that labels are how we diagnose and find treatment, but it also makes me feel broken to identity based on disabilities or attachment disorders.

I want to be aware of my behavior, but I cannot let this awareness consume all my energy and time. I can make decisions that help my self-esteem while acknowledging my self-destructive behaviors, and not being critical of myself for past mistakes.

I am so much more than "codependent" and it isn't fair to me to define myself by the worse aspects of my behavior.

Do any codependent people have long-term friendships? I either have shallow acquaintances or codependent relationships, but nothing long-term. Is this common with anyone else?

You hurt me worse than I have ever been hurt. I forgive you. You will never see me again. I made sure. But if you ever read this, I forgive you.

I have recently undergone several tramatic events and I am having difficulties processing or even understanding what I am feeling. I would like any help or sharing of experience anyone can offer.

The "emotions" I was used to are still there, like anger or shame, but there are also new ones I don't recognize.

After a recent hospitalization, the doctors changed my mood stabilizer, so I am also just more "numb" then I was.

I felt the grief of loss, and I felt heartbroken, but these new emotions feel "spicy" and come with physical sensations similar to goosebumps with pin pricks. The more extreme examples came with temperature fluctuations, sweating, and heart palpitations (autonomic distress, possibly catatonia).

At first (and maybe still) I believed them to be a cortisol or adrenaline spike, or maybe an anxiety reaction, but now I am unsure. I am writing in my journal and tracking what the triggers might be, but it is so confusing to not understand what is going on inside of you.

I am in therapy and going to groups. I am trying to use the feelings charts/wheels but these are complex emotions and I struggle to parse the individual feelings.

I also have PTSD and suffer from flashbacks and often get stuck reliving the traumatic events.

Any help or sharing of experience is appreciated.