u/FeelingShallot9749

hey you, this might be the last time you ever hear from me again. I know you still have your things at my place and you still have my keys. But, i’m saying goodbye.

i don’t know why you still don’t want to pick them up tbh, as if you were trying to keep the door slightly open to what we could be. But truthfully, I don’t think that’s ever going to happen again. I know you’re not going to change, because you’d rather take the easy path of staying the dishonest and unfaithful guy that you are.

I loved you deeply, believed that you were capable of so much more. Gave you a second chance that you took lightly.

I once begged that you’d come back, now I find myself hoping that you wouldn’t. Because I don’t know if I’d be able to go through the pain all over again.

You lost me twice, all because your selfish desires were more important than us. Maybe I’m the one who got away after all. So, goodbye love.

i’m tired of feeling the waves of betrayal trauma that you caused, while you get away with what you did along with the third party.

i’m tired of feeling all the emotional and mental weight, while you happily and selfishly avoid accountability still.

i’m tired, i don’t even have the words to say anymore.
i’m tired of screaming into the void, all the things i could scream at you. I’d rather disappear into the void right now.

some days I wish that I didn’t forgive you so easily,
some days I wish I had shouted at you when I had the chance to.
to say everything that I really wanted to tell you, yet I ended up choosing kindness.

after 5 long years together, I thought you’d be able to sit down with me and talk things out. but instead you chose the easier option of cheating on me with her, Maryam Alisa.
you admitted she wasn’t better, you admitted she was an easier option.
because she didn't require you to have courage, she didn't require you to be selfless,
she didn't require you to let go of your pride, she didn't require you to do the right thing.

I was willing to grow with you, unlearn things and build new habits for us to be better.
I know our relationship wasn't perfect, none is.
you had a choice, to communicate with me and see how we can work things out.
but you chose what was easier instead.

I've always willingly supported you in all that you love, helped you financially when you weren't working yet and always put your needs before mine.
you took advantage of my kindness and tender heart,
it didn't seem to bother you much when you chose to hurt me.
I guess it didn't bother her either since she knew about me but chose to pursue you still.

there's so much more I wish I could just say,
but I'll leave these words penned down and the rest cried out into my pillow.
I know now, I was more intentional about us than you ever were.
I was just another girl that you wanted to use and discard after.

there’s a certain ache in remembering the future we once talked about. Now seeing it shattered into a million pieces the day I found out about your affair with her.

we talked about it all, including what we’d name our kids, the cars we'd have and all the things we'd do after marriage as a couple and as parents. I wish you had talked to me; sat me down and have the hard conversations with me instead of choosing the easy way out by talking to someone else. I guess she was the easier option, cause she didn't require you to have courage, she didn't require you to let go of your pride, she didn't require you to be selfless.

you ruined us, you ruined my mental and emotional health. I hope wherever you are at in life now and being with her, was worth breaking my heart for. I hope you got whatever happiness and freedom you sought after, along with the guilt of what you did. it's been months and you have yet to show actual remorse and give me the sincere apology that I deserve. But then I remembered, you don't care about how affected I am anyways, you never did. All that mattered to you was that your happiness and selfish desires would always come first before anything else.

thank you for breaking my heart, now i know that i'm safer by myself.

some days i wish that i didn’t forgive you so easily, some days i wish i had shouted at you when i had the chance to.

after 5 long years together, i thought you’d be able to sit down with me and talk things out. But instead you chose the easier option of cheating on me with her, Maryam Alisa. You admitted she wasn’t better, you admitted she was an easier option because it didn’t require you to grow out of your old habits that were self-destructive.

i was willing to grow with you, unlearn things and build new habits for us to be better. But you had to choose the selfish option and she chose to be selfish too since she knew about me. So i guess you deserve each other that way.

i hate that i forgave you so easily, i hate that you took advantage of my kindness and tender heart. Thank you for making me never want to be in a relationship ever again, i’m safer on my own.

1 year plus post d-day, 2 months post failed R.

did some reflection and journaling today to track my healing progress, the thing that hit me a bit more today was realising that my WP showed quite a number of narcissistic behaviours. And it all became even clearer when he came back to me for what ended up to be false R because he just felt guilty for leaving me, it wasn't remorse for hurting me.

i know his act of infidelity wasn't my fault, and that it was because he lacked something.

but the truth is, with the way everyone is acting about it, forgetting about it and moving forward (including him and his AP); I start to doubt if I didn't react enough or if i over reacted about the whole thing. The betrayal really hurt me a lot, yet I feel really alone as I walk away from the ruins of what was.

everyone around me says I deserve better, and that i should be grateful that I found out about his infidelity before we got engaged. he says he regrets hurting me yet didn't really show much remorse and sincerity to apologise. his family knows what he did and their only comment was "his relationship choices are his own". was i merely a choice that he chose to hurt and didn't matter at all to his family?

i'm already moving forward on my own, some days i just have these running thoughts and today is one of those days that i just needed to pen them down. perhaps some of you can relate too and how did you deal with the self-doubt?