u/Few_Effective5913

Probably a weird request but I’d like to commission an artist who can draw my front face and side profile. I struggle with BDD and just being an ugly person in general and maybe this is self centered, but I just want to see the art in my face for once. I find my features to be very unique and awkward, and would love to see someone else find a way to accurately depict them, hopefully in a way that doesn’t make me feel like an alien lol. I don’t have too much money, but I can go up to $50 for a quick sketch or something like that. Hope this isn’t disrespectful in any way, I’m just hoping for some relief and joy in my life.

Hello I have kinda a complicated and weird situation that I have put myself in. I got a job early last year that I LOVE. When I was first going through the interview process, my boss said that it’s either a full remote position or I could move to another state where our office would be and work a hybrid schedule from there. (Something to note is that No One worked from the office, everyone on my team is remote in different places across the US.) She did not seem to prefer either one, but since I was living with my mom at the time and wanted a change in scenery, I requested to work at the office. Then when I got the job, I had to wait a couple months to move to the new state, during which that time I was working remotely.
Well, while I don’t regret it completely, I am just miserable in this new state. This job is pretty entry/mid level so I don’t make enough to live financially comfortable in a nice neighborhood, my apartment has had issues all year, I haven’t made any friends, and I’m broke 90% of the time. I also hated working in the office so much (mostly due to the drive and god, this state has the Worst drivers) that a couple months ago, I ended up telling my boss I’d like to go back to being remote. She said that it was perfectly fine and asked if I still enjoyed the new state. I lied and said yes because I didn’t want to drop two bombshells on her at once.
I was going to stay here another year but I just can’t do it anymore and I even had a mental breakdown when looking for a new apartment. My lease is up at the end of the month and embarrassingly I really want to move back home with my mom.
I’m really worried about upsetting my boss because I feel like I’m constantly moving and changing things up and it might be annoying to her. Does this sound like I’ll be okay if I tell her? Or should I bite the bullet and just stay here another year?
Other factors include:
- I Am still going to the office just to pick up our mail and ship some things out. The shipping can be done remotely which I know because I was doing it before I moved. Also before I came, the mail was being picked up and mailed to my coworker by someone who worked in the building of our office. So I don’t technically Need to be here.
- Working in the office did come with a small bonus, but now that I’m fully remote, I’m basically living paycheck to paycheck.
- My boss is currently on vacation and I can’t even tell her until she comes back next week. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yes, we’re ugly, but we’re still human. I struggle constantly with how much negative treatment I can put up with before saying it’s enough. A guy I have been talking to has been treating me like the garbage under his shoe. Ghosting me for weeks, only inviting me to come to his place, I can’t sleep over, etc. Just today we were supposed to hang out, but he ghosts me because he had to “check out an issue with his car”. I think I should finally say that’s it and stop speaking to him, but another part of my brain says that since I’m ugly, I should accept any form of affection I can get. Whether or not that be from a man who I didn’t even like at first but who now treats me like a toy. I have no other option, no one else wants me. How much disrespect can someone take? Since I’m ugly, should I just accept this treatment? It’s either this or complete loneliness and I know I can’t do that yet. I’m only 25, I want to experience my 20s with life and fun, but so far it’s only bitterness and shame. I’m either being ghosted and ignored or I’m forgotten and disregarded. I can’t win!!!! What’s my end goal here ??? I feel like I can’t move the goalpost because I’m not in charge. I’m at the mercy of other attractive people who know themselves. I’m nothing I’m ugly im a monster.

How can this even be possible? I wrote down a list of all my flaws and there was not one feature or body part that wasn’t on the list. Starting from my messy frizzy puffy hair and jagged balding hairline, down to my small tits, wide ribs, and short chubby inward-facing legs. My entire face looks like the cart titan from aot. I couldnt stop crying. And yet, after the list I caught a look at myself in the mirror and thought “I’m not actually that bad”. My mind instantly went back to convincing myself that the part of me that said THAT is the one in the wrong. Every time I think I look fine or even edging towards pretty and like I don’t want to obsess over my image anymore, there’s an overpowering force jumping to tell me that I AM horrible and that I AM disgusting. They’re both parts of my brain, but I feel like a big oaf being bossed around by an evil, seemingly smarter person. I feel like I’m being led straight off a cliff, like there’s something out there that reallly wants me to k*ll myself and so is constantly trying to belittle me. It hurts so bad to know that that’s Me doing it to Myself and I can’t find a way to stop it. Maybe my ugliness is just a scapegoat for me to explain why I’m so miserable, angry, depressed, and alone. It’s a painful but easy solution to why everyone abandons me and why I am so mediocre and behind everyone else in life. My bdd is real and impacts me, but my ugliness is Just as present and noticeable to myself and everyone else. It’s just a matter of who is the real villain and causing me so much distress. I hope that when I turn 25, I’m kinder to myself and don’t continue making lists of every flaw. I doubt it

Miserable and pathetic I think being ugly has lead to every bad thing in my life. Or maybe my horrible personality led to physical ugliness. Went to the beach yesterday with my mom and Jesus I couldn’t have felt more out of place. Being a 25 year old woman who’s short and has the frizziest puffiest hair walking alongside regular beautiful women with perfect tits in bikini tops can really make you want to walk straight into the ocean or swallow a firework. The sky was gorgeous, it stormed but then cleared up so beautifully, with a nice golden pink color, right above the swaying palm trees. I feel like I was ruining it, for myself and everyone else, by being so ugly and disgusting. I’m becoming too scared to go outside, but I’m also so miserable of being alone. I want friends I want a boyfriend I want a nice body and beautiful eyes and nose and lips I don’t want to be a midget anymore I want long graceful legs I don’t want messy hair I want flat straight hair I don’t want to me anymore. Every year I spend my birthday alone and miserable and sobbing and this year will be no different. I hate being ugly and alone, especially when all my beautiful and regular looking friends from college have all abandoned me and continue to be in relationships and live in New York and continue to hang out in a nice friend group. I’m miserable, what can I do? I’ve tried looking at the beautiful flowers and listen to the birds sing but I still wish I wasn’t Me. I think I have to do it eventually.