u/FickleActivity6639

So my fiancé and I have been having difficulties recently. He says I'm emotionally distant and lack attunement skills, and I'm burned out from doing all the physical and mental labour of running our household. You can read my other posts in my profile if you want more background but I've summarised it.

Background

I do virtually all the chores in the house: cooking, cleaning, organising/mental load, yard work, rubbish and recycling, maintaining relationships with friends and family, presents, etc.

He will do things if I ask him to but never anything too complicated or else he'll push back on why they need doing and can't we pay someone to do this (I trimmed all the hedges in our garden the other Saturday and was wiped at the end of the day. He had 'no sympathy' because I should've paid someone to do it instead of doing it myself with our new hedge trimmer)

He's also hypersexual. He has blue balls if he doesn't cum at least once per day (though he'd really want 3-4 times per day). I'm more of a 3-4 times every two weeks kinda gal so we make up the difference with bj's.

By emotionally distant, his recent complaint is that although I'll do nice things for him (think make his favourite dinner when he's having a tough day, get him a small treat, etc) I won't do it with a sunny disposition and a 'caring, loving' tone so it feels like I'm doing it out of obligation rather than love that's overflowing, which is definitely a fair point.

Onto the actual story

Yesterday, I was working in the office but left an hour or so after lunch to drive home (about 20 minutes), pick up his mum and take her to a scan appointment at a hospital 35 minutes away from where we live. The scan was fine but took a little longer than we expected (about 45 minutes total at the hospital) then we headed home and stopped off at ikea to pick up some bits (her more things than me but that's another story...). I dropped her home and took my stuff and headed home.

I finally got home around 6 and was planning to make swedish meatballs, mash potatoes and ikea meatball sauce for dinner (one of his favourites). I was unpacking the meatballs and sauce packets in the kitchen when he comes in and says he's ordered us dinner from a healthy(-ish) chicken place as I've been out so long and must be tired. He was playing video games with the boys after work so still had his headset on and was saying all this quickly so he could get back. He also said he went with that place because it's relatively healthy and I'm trying hard to lose weight (going to the gym, salads for lunch etc)

I was so relieved by this as I was trying to work up the energy to make dinner and not eat my fingers while doing it cos I was starving by this point. I changed and got plates, cutlery and drinks ready to eat dinner with. He opened the door and brought the takeaway bag into the kitchen for me to unload and went back to his games. I unpacked everything and brought his to where his set up is and went into the living room with mine to watch something while I ate.

I managed to rest here for about an hour before going to my weekly dance class (I thought about not going but I had the attitude to go and have also paid upfront for the month so I'd lose out if I didn't go lol). I was planning to go easy to be honest but the instructor had different ideas and ran a really intense class where I got personal bests for heartrate and calories burned during the class.

I came home, showered, made lunches for the next day (today), emptied and reloaded the dishwasher, locked the front door for the night and said I was going to bed cos I was beat. It was 10pm at this point and I get up at 7am but I've been sleeping badly recently so want to get an early night. I do my nightly routine and am checking a blog that I keep up with when I hear him coming up the stairs so I set my alarms and plug my phone in.

We have a cuddle in bed and catch up on what happened at the hospital and how his day was and as we're talking he tries to move my hand down from his chest to his crotch. I resist his pulling and say I'm way too tired to give a bj now. He complains he's had no sexual attention today at all today (I've been at home about 2 hours of the time he's been awake) and he really needs it. I say I'm sorry and I can play with it with my fingers but won't be doing anything more. We talk some more while I do and he keeps twitching it and doing hip thrusts. I think about changing my mind but think 'no, I've had a really long day and should be able to say no once in a while without it being a big deal' (for reference, I gave him 4 bj's Sunday and 1-2 yesterday I can't quite remember). Eventually, he gave up and told me to just go to sleep then. I turned over and fell asleep within minutes.

This morning, I'm wondering if I should have just powered through and done it for him because I really was grateful, but I was so worn out my body felt like it was made of bricks. I wanted to show my appreciation for sorting dinner the way he did in a way that he would receive it (love languages and all). I said thank you and gave him a big hug and a kiss when he said he'd ordered it and it would be arriving soon, but it's not in the language he'd want to receive it so I worry he didn't really hear it.

AITA for not giving my fiance a thank you bj after he looked after me?

So my fiance (29M) and I (29F) have been having some issues recently (check my profile for the full story but I'll summarise here)

I do all the chores in our house: cooking, cleaning, mental load, lifts to family, the works. He'll pick up one or two every now and then (unload the dishwasher do the recycling) but usually only when I ask - sometimes unprompted, yes but mostly only when prompted.

Also important info, he's hypersexual. He has blue balls if he doesn't cum at least once a day but he'd ideally want 3 times a day. I'm more of a 3 times every 2 weeks kinda gal so we fill in the gaps with bj's.

Onto the issue:

Yesterday I was at the office and left early so I could take his mum for a scan at a hospital 35 minutes from where we live (we live round the corner from her). It took longer than we thought but still only about 45 mins total at the hospital.

We then went to ikea to get some stuff (her more than me but that's another story) and eventually get home around 6.

I was planning to make Swedish meatballs, mash and ikea sauce but he'd already ordered takeaway for us (from a healthy chicken shop as I'm trying to lose weight).

I plated it up for us as he was gaming with the boys so couldn't. I ate in front of the tv and decided I did have enough energy for my usual dance class (I pay up for the month so would also be out the money if I didn't go). I went but it was a much tougher session than usual (I got pb's on my heart and calories burned in the session) and I was pooped by the end of it.

I got home, had a shower, loaded the dishwasher, put on food for my lunch for the next day (today) and said I was going up to bed cos I'm beat.

I did my going to bed routine (teeth brushing, creams on my face, all that good stuff) and checked up on a couple of blogs that I like for maybe 10 mins. Then I hear my fiance coming up the stairs.

We cuddle for a bit and check in on the day, I tell him how the hospital went and why they were doing the scans (it's oncology related so there's a lot of scans for different reasons) then he tries to move my hand down from where is resting on his chest to his crotch. I say I'm too tired to do anything, my body feels like it's made of bricks at this point. He complains he hasn't had any sexual attention today but eventually says I should just go to sleep if I'm that tired. I say goodnight and I fall asleep in about 5 mins.

This morning, I'm feeling much more rested and feel bad that I didn't give him the energy last night when he'd looked after me like I've been asking for. At the same time, I was shattered and it would have been deeply uncomfortable and possibly painful to do it so I feel justified in saying no.

AITA for not giving my fiance a thank you bj after he looked after me?

So we've been having issues recently and yesterday seemed like it was on the up and up until we went to bed.

First, some background. I do all the cooking in our house including recipe finding, making the shopping list, going to the store, unpacking the food and the actual cooking. I also do virtually every other chore so have been crawling into bed each night for the past month. When I've brought the uneven domestic labour issue to him be says I do things that don't need doing (I'm not polishing ceilings here, it's normal cleaning and clearing and at this point lots doesn't get done because I'm too tired/fed up of having so little free time cos I spend so much doing chores). Also it's relevant that he's hypersexual and need gets blue balls if he doesn't cum at least once every day (this is an absolute minimum, he'd ideally want 3-4 times each day)

So yesterday I (29F) was working in the office but had to leave early to pick my fiancé's mum up to go for a scan at a hospital 40 minutes from where we live. It took longer than we expected but only about 30 minutes there total.

We then went to ikea on the way home as we both wanted to pick up some stuff (her a lot more than me but that's another story). This took about an hour cos she was like a magpie getting distracted by shiny things.

I finally got home at 6 and was starving so was happy when he came into the kitchen where I was unpacking the ikea shop and said he'd ordered nandos for us and it would be here in 15 and he'd bought me one of the custard tarts they sell as well because he knows I love them.

I ate in front of the tv while he played video games with the boys then figured I had enough energy to go to my weekly dance class that night.

I'm glad I did but it was gruelling and I hit a PB on heart rate and calories burned (to give an idea of the intensity). I get home where he's still gaming. I put on food for me to have for breakfast and lunch tomorrow and have a shower then put on the dishwasher and say I'm heading to bed cos I'm beat

It's 10pm by this point.

I brush my teeth, do my night cream and get into bed and scroll for about 10 minutes when I hear my fiance coming up the stairs.

I put my phone away and cuddle up to him and put my hand on his chest. After maybe 10 minutes my head is getting real heavy when he almost spasms a hip thrust. I wake up and say I'm sorry but I'm too tired to do anything tonight. He complains he hasn't had any sexual attention all day and I'm mean for saying no. Eventually he said fine go to sleep then and I did.

I'm feeling much more rested this morning and feel bad that he'd sorted a healthy dinner for us as I'm trying to lose weight and I didn't give him the positive reinforcement that would really get through to him. I said thank you with a hug and a kiss but this is what he really wanted, you know? I was really tired but aren't these three moments where you push through for your partner?

AITA for not giving my fiance a thank you BJ after he sorted dinner at the end of a stressful day?

Advice on how I (29F) can leave an unhealthy relationship with an aggressive/dominant man (29M)

I'm (29F) starting to plan leaving my fiance (29M).

I've realised through therapy that I'm in a deeply unhealthy relationship where we also have very different life goals, views on the world and family.

We own a house together and I think he will react VERY BADLY when I try to leave. All the arguments we have end in me being at fault, my character, views, values, priorities etc being 'wrong' but I talk to anyone else and my opinions etc are very normal. So I worry that if I do it on my own he'll somehow twist the words around until I stay and it'll conclude with me being a terrible person for wanting to throw away over a decade of us being together.

I've asked my close girl friends to meet up to talk as they have experience ending long term relationships but I don't know how to deal with the fact we share a house.

I've got family and friends I could stay with (he only has his mum's but he has a bad relationship with her) so I could literally get out if i need to but then how do we sell the house if he stonewalls? I can't call the police, he owns the house too.

There are jobs that will need doing before selling the house (ceiling with stains that needs painting, door knobs fixing that he's been putting off and idk how to fix myself). How do I get in to fix them or get him to fix them? His job is full wfh and he never does anything around the house so it's very unlikely he'll fix any of it himself.

I have a friend who broke up with her fiance that she owned a house with who i could ask but she is a mutual friend so it would be really uncomfortable for her. Also she lives further away so it would be much harder to talk to her without him getting wind of it before I break it off.

What can I do to make it as easy as possible to get out? How do I navigate the problem of selling the house if he just refuses to engage? Is it best to leave the house at all?

Advice on how I (29F) can leave an unhealthy relationship with an aggressive/dominant man (29M)

I'm (29F) starting to plan leaving my fiance (29M).

I've realised through therapy that I'm in a deeply unhealthy relationship where we also have very different life goals, views on the world and family.

We own a house together and I think he will react VERY BADLY when I try to leave. All the arguments we have end in me being at fault, my character, views, values, priorities etc being 'wrong' but I talk to anyone else and my opinions etc are very normal. So I worry that if I do it on my own he'll somehow twist the words around until I stay and it'll conclude with me being a terrible person for wanting to throw away over a decade of us being together.

I've asked my close girl friends to meet up to talk as they have experience ending long term relationships but I don't know how to deal with the fact we share a house.

I've got family and friends I could stay with (he only has his mum's but he has a bad relationship with her) so I could literally get out if i need to but then how do we sell the house if he stonewalls? I can't call the police, he owns the house too.

There are jobs that will need doing before selling the house (ceiling with stains that needs painting, door knobs fixing that he's been putting off and idk how to fix myself). How do I get in to fix them or get him to fix them? His job is full wfh and he never does anything around the house so it's very unlikely he'll fix any of it himself.

I have a friend who broke up with her fiance that she owned a house with who i could ask but she is a mutual friend so it would be really uncomfortable for her. Also she lives further away so it would be much harder to talk to her without him getting wind of it before I break it off.

What can I do to make it as easy as possible to get out? How do I navigate the problem of selling the house if he just refuses to engage? Is it best to leave the house at all?

We've been together for a little over 12 years. We're both 29 now.

I think we've outgrown each other.

Arguments always turn into my fault and end with character attacks at me our my family, or whoever else's behaviours I reference or call back to. Double standards are rife and the cause of a lot of arguments (which aydin are entirely my fault)

We have fundamental differences. He wants the flashiest car and fanciest house and to be the best at video games. I want to spend my time and money on experiences with friends and loved ones, and see more of nature and the world. I would rather do a good job of something in my house and be proud of my hard work, he would rather pay someone to do it and save the effort.

He's hypersexual and very kinky and I'm happy with 2-3 times a week and fairly vanilla but with a deep connection making it hotter.

We've been together so long but I'm genuinely happiest on my own right now. I'm virtually mothering him (he called chores 'Mum work' the other day and I've been cringing ever since) but that's his genuine opinion, then says he's not a misogynist.

We've got a house together and are storing a lot of his dad's stuff at our house cos he passed away in December so having to sell up would disrupt his siblings as well and they'd have to get a storage unit or something which I feel terrible about. I'm trying to stop my people pleasing tendencies but it's honestly making me angry that I've stayed so long when we should've broken up years ago.

I've suggested couples therapy at least 5 times and he says there's no point because it's all my problems. Tbh at this point it would be a way to tell him I'm breaking up with him

AITA for wanting to break up?

My fiance (29M) and I (29F) have been together since we were 17 and 16. We met in high school, stayed together through university, moving back to parents houses afterwards, got engaged and bought our own house a year and a bit ago.

On paper we're great but behind the scenes it's not.

Even when we first got together I would slowly give pieces of myself up. I stopped being religious because of him, I pushed away some friends and hung on tighter to others because he didn't like them but approved of those.

He's very dominant and can be domineering in his opinions and how he behaves. He doesn't understand why I like my hobbies and doesn't have a live and let live attitude so I stopped doing my hobbies and we would only do his.

Any argument we have devolves into him attacking my character (calling me stupid, unempathetic and rude are his favourites) and he usually brings my family into it. They're not perfect but they always have good intentions and have always been there when I've needed them no questions asked.

He has huuuge double standards in so many aspects it genuinely makes my head spin. His sister fully agrees with me as we're close and often talk about her issues with their mum, who can also do this.

- If he asks me something and I need more details, I'm stupid and unfeeling for not understanding him but if I ask him something slightly vague, I'm inconsiderate for not giving someone all the details they need to make their life easier.

- I need to do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, household managing, family and friends managing, getting presents from 'us' etc because I'm the girl and it's "the Mum's job" (which is already fucked up unless you're a stay at home parent and even then it's borderline) but I also do the 'Dad work'!!!! I take the trash out, do the yard work, DIY and handyman jobs around the house. I have no idea what he thinks 'his work' is cos I do all of it??

He's hypersexual and doesn't believe he is, he genuinely sees it as a strength. He trained himself to be able to cum four to five times a day and now gets blue balls if he doesn't cum about 3 times a day. This has been a MAJOR argument all through our relationship because I would want sex 2-3 times per week, not per day so I rarely initiated cos I wasn't horny again. He took this as me not being attracted to him (which, he's very overweight and would look genuinely hot if he was in shape).

I discovered I'm bi in uni so we started having threesomes with girls for me to explore more and him to get more non-vanilla sex but after a few times, he was the one pushing them and I was happy to stop.

He's always looking for more ways to get kinkier in bed and I'd like to have more of a genuine connection which I find hard to have when it's literally all the time. To me the gaps in between serve as foreplay which is difficult when there's virtually no gap.

Eventually he demanded that he be allowed to sext other girls and actually hook up if he got that far (he hasn't). That was 2 years ago and he's got all the apps and a burner phone, as well as a long distance girlfriend who he met on a mobile game. He talks to her overnight when we're both in bed and I'm asleep so he wakes me up them calls me a princess for being tired the next day but sleeps in until 3 some days because he was up late with her (see double standards)

I've started going to therapy to get more in touch with my emotions and got that down in 2 sessions lol. I'm not working on my people pleasing tendencies and hit a breakthrough that I don't know why I'm with this man. I can't tell you what joy he brings to my life that I can't bring myself. He's still funny and can be charming when we're out with friends but so can anyone. He uniqueness was the way he sees things and his drive to push himself but it's turned into him finding something to criticise no matter what I do, and if everything's just right he'll say a quick 'thank you' or 'good job' when my friend's partners would be Gomez Adamms-ing all over the place!

Since having this epiphany that if my friends was in a relationship like this I would be raging and telling her to stay with me, I'm angry literally all the time. I can barely be in a room with him and if he gives me any feedback, I see red instantly. I screamed at him the other day because he was mad I didn't wake him up in time for his therapy session (I bought him an alarm clock two weeks ago, at his request!) and I just couldn't take it.

I'm attractive but overweight and I definitely have flaws and weird works but I know I could do well if we broke up so it's not like the grass isn't greener I just don't know if I have the want to try and water it at home when I'm met with table turning any time I give him negative feedback.

I've suggested couple counselling at least 5 times and he says we don't need to because I'm the problem (my attitude, my effort etc etc)

If I could snap my fingers to leave and be on the other side of having to sell the house, move, tell everyone etc I would be single already. I feel guilty because we've been together so long, my parents helped us buy the house and we're sorting lots of stuff for his siblings because they don't have space at their mum's.

I feel like he could change but it would take literally years and so much work and I just don't know if I have a reason why anymore. I've got therapy again in three days but I don't have anyone I can talk to about this irl

WIBTA if I broke up with my fiance? Do I need to give a couple therapy or bust ultimatum?

This is a long one but I need some independent advice on an argument I had with my fiancé today. It was a simple misunderstanding that escalated quickly and I think went too far for what it was.

BACKSTORY

I'm a classic people pleaser and have been in therapy for this among other issues. I've been avoiding doing the work drawing lines and setting boundaries as I'm terrified of confrontation.

This week I promised myself I would do the work and draw lines and set boundaries at key times it's needed, especially to protect my own energy levels as I've been getting close to burning out.

LINES DRAWN AND BOUNDARIES SET

- asked him to pick his sister up from work (I default to doing it when I wfh)

- asked him to take his mum to the hospital for an appointment and pick her up afterwards as I've got lots of work to do today and he's on annual leave (he resisted and asked why I couldn't do it but I stood my ground reminding him I have lots of work and eventually he said 'whatever' and went back to looking at his phone)

- asked him to put the recycling bags out (not just take them from the front door to the kerb like when I occasionally ask him to 'help' but to actually check the house for any more recycling, sort and close the bags and bring them from the garage through the house to the kerb). Again, he resisted, then said 'whatever' and went back to his video game

- asked him to send me an even share of the money spent on a hotel room for our friends' wedding in April and for the cash gift 'we' gave them (he eventually said to take this out of the money I next give to him for the mortgage, even though the money is 'in his account right now' - his words)

I know I should've told him to send it now, but honestly I was feeling tired from even just doing these things... The people pleasing is really bad guys.

IMPORTANT INFO: our driveway is a rectangle, with the long edge running along the house and the kerb. It's short side is a car and half long (anything to avoid the metric system right!). There's a hedge around the edge that goes along the two short sides and the front as well except for a mouth around 3m wide for cars to get in and out. I widened it when we first moved in and I regularly trim back the parts that grow into the driveway, including a bush he has to walk past that attracts bees (he HATES insects).

THE ARGUMENT

He came home from picking his sister up from work, opened the living room door (where I'm sitting in the reclined sofa to work) and said "the hedge on the right corner of the driveway needs trimming". No 'hello', 'how's work going', nothing.

He was closing the door as I then asked 'which corner?'

I'm definitely paraphrasing what comes next but I'll keep it as fixed in exact phrases I remember as possible (this happened around 3 hours ago). If it's exact phrases I'll use "speech marks"

Him: *makes the face he makes when someone asks a stupid question like they're an imbecile* "what do you mean the corner? which corner do you think I'm talking about?"

Me: "you said the right corner so do you mean the one near the hour that you reverse up to then walk past to get into the house?"

A lot of back and forth where I can't remember exact phrasing but he was getting upset that I'd asked for clarification and didn't immediately understand what he meant. I was calmly explaining why 'corner' left me with two possible places, not the 'right side edge of the mouth of the driveway' which is actually what he meant.

In this back and forth, I was trying to stay calm as I thought I was asking reasonable questions because I was thrown by his description of the spot as 'corner'.

As I was trying to explain my need to ask the question, he said I "had no empathy" and "no imagination", "memory" or "observation skills" to try and understand his problem (while I have lots of work to do today, which I've told him 3 times at this point).

I asked him to stop using a condescending tone and that I was thrown by his use of the word 'corner'. He said the above again and asked if he just shouldn't ever talk to me when I'm working. I said "no but could you please give me more grace to answer/ask questions when I'm in the middle of working". He said I sounded like my dad in that he has a strong sense that the world should work a certain way and gets agitated when it doesn't (ngl there might be some undiagnosed 'tism here)

I said I haven't said anything like that but apologised for not sitting with what he said and reiterated that I would appreciate more grace. He said I should "give a conversation my full attention when I'm being talked to, otherwise it's incredibly rude" then started walking away. I got triggered by this as I've tried to talk to him when he's gaming (in between games and chatting in the lobby queue) and he agrees to something then turns around and says I NEVER asked him.

I lost my cool and slammed the living room door behind him. He opened it, lowered himself to me and said slowly and through gritted teeth "if you ever slam anything in this house again, we. are. done." I had an intrusive thought to smash the glass next to me.

I took some deep breathes and apologised for losing my cool, saying I was getting provoked by his character attacks in a conversation about a miscommunication. I refocused on the hedge and made shapes with my hands to understand which part of the hedge is the problem.

Eventually, after some more name calling from him (I'm stupid for using my hands and needing a diagram), we arrived at which corner of the hedge is the problem and I said I'd sort it when the new hedge trimmer arrives.

I apologised again for assuming what he meant by 'corner' and for not taking more time to consider what he said before repsonding with the 'stupid question'.

He said "don't spologise, just do better".

Reflecting I think he was incredibly emotionally immature by attacking my character and family.

AITA for asking a stupid question or did he overreact?

He does literally nothing around the house. His contribution is actually negative because I'm stuck cooking, cleaning, etc for two people instead of one.

He's so picky with food: he REFUSES to eat leftovers or ready meals so I'm stuck cooking every meal fresh from scratch. We get takeaway when I'm too shattered to cook from going to my full time job that's hybrid (office 3 days, wfh 2 days) while he wfh all the time and barely ever has work to do so he games most days. He pays for the takeout but I being it in, dish it out and clear up afterwards.

He's said he wants to be healthier and lose weight but when i prepare healthy snacks for him for days when I'm in the office, he says it's too much effort to poor himself a bowl of freshly prepared strawberries, peeled and chopped cucumbers etc. He works from home!!

I told him a couple of months ago that he's responsible for vacuuming from now on. I won't touch the vacuum except to empty it only when he asks (I won't take the mental load of having to check if it's full and him not vacuuming until I silently empty it). He vacuums every few weeks and every time he does, he's told me... like he wants a gold star for doing less than the bare minimum.

I'm so tired each day that I'm going to bed around 10:30-11 each night because I have to be up at 7 to give his sister a lift to work (he gives her a lift back when I'm at the office and is almost always late and in a mood). He goes to bed 1am at the earliest, wakes me up to cuddle, asks if I'm okay (as if now is the right time to raise all this when I'm half asleep and will say anything to be allowed to go back to sleep), then asks if I'll suck his dick (which takes 15-20 minutes cos my whole body aches from doing everything else I have to keep doing)

His argument is that I'm not emotionally available to him so he's not going to 'do anything for me anymore' (he said these exact words in a fight before we got engaged then he proposed in the most perfect way with the perfect ring so I thought he was done doing that). He can also be really sweet when I'm having a bad day or PMSing.

This is definitely examples of the worst things from the last few weeks but I'm starting to burn out.

I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I'm getting. My body always aches (i hate massages so have to find the time and energy to stretch it myself). I have to psyche myself up to be excited for hobbies (physical things like zumba and the gym. I'm also starting an archery course soon which I'm excited for in my mind but I don't feel the excitement in my body yet, if that makes sense).

I forgot my friends name the other day. Things that I should be able to recall really easily (friend of \~5 years name) are taking nearly a minute to surface. I've always been a little ditzy but this is something else.

I'm in therapy working on my people pleasing habits among other things and my therapist is validating all of this that it's not sustainable and nothing should be this uneven. I've got a notepad full of tools to have a confrontation (I HAAAATE these, it feels like I'm literally about to die if I tell someone I don't like what they're doing). I just need to work up the strength to have the conversation.

TL:DR I do virtually every chore that exists in our house and feel like my fiance will fight hard against taking on a more even split because he says I'm not emotionally available to him.

This was mostly a rant tbh but is there any advice anyone can give going into this? Any advice on good boundaries to set and how to hold them?