u/Finance-Straight

I feel so ashamed to even type this question because the aqidah courses? Ive studied them all

The quotes and advice that people throw your way? Heard them years on end

‘You aren’t ready’ ‘Something great is waiting’
‘Your being prepared’

And Allah is All Wise. We can never understand the wisdom ofcourse. But knowing that still we are human and its hard to look at myself, stagnant and in decline

Ive prayed for so years now and watching people left and right get married with ease. Yes they must have other difficulties and yes my Lord is so gracious to spare me those.

But because i am not getting married i am sinning in other ways (not the Z word ofcourse may Allah protect us)

I’m so down and depressed and you can throw all the ‘try hobbies and work on yourself!!’ discourse but believe me theres a stage after which you just want to enjoy life with your significant other

Even the getting to know someone to engaged trope i would love to be in. Having that person that is yours. To talk to and look forward to.

Im so tired. No dont suggest a stupid city date where i get a facial and matcha and dumb self love or to get more degrees or further up the career ladder

Sometimes a girl just wants a husband already

So im in my mid twenties and am taking a break from work by studying a short course

Its been a while since ive gone back to any classroom setting

The demographics of the course are Muslims men and women early/mid 20s

I’m also single lol so ngl i thought this might be a good chance to also get to know someone, IF the opportunity presented itself because there’s not many chances like this once you graduate

It wasnt my main goal ofcourse by any means

From graduation till now i always thought i was a decent looking person with alot going on for myself n perhaps i just hadnt had the chance to mix with the right pool

This experience has completely deflated my confidence in that belief

Guys in the course who are the sort of men i would typically go for, just flat out ignore me. Not in a horrible way but they just don’t even want to interact it seems. And not in a respectful way either because they will do so with other girls in the course

I know i’m going to get a lot of judgement from this post but i just want to vent here truthfully

I feel like ive been transported into high school where i was the ugly ducking and no boy ever cared for me

I really hate the feelings its resurfacing being in my mid twenties

The whole experience is triggering and i feel like im going to walk away feeling like maybe im not the person i thought i was in terms of looks and character and therefor i need to be realistic about what im looking for too because clearly my type doesn’t want me back

So im in my mid twenties and am taking a break from work by studying a short course

Its been a while since ive gone back to any classroom setting

The demographics of the course are Muslims men and women early/mid 20s

I’m also single lol so ngl i thought this might be a good chance to also get to know someone, IF the opportunity presented itself because there’s not many chances like this once you graduate

It wasnt my main goal ofcourse by any means

From graduation till now i always thought i was a decent looking person with alot going on for myself n perhaps i just hadnt had the chance to mix with the right pool

This experience has completely deflated my confidence in that belief

Guys in the course who are the sort of men i would typically go for, just flat out ignore me. Not in a horrible way but they just don’t even want to interact it seems. And not in a respectful way either because they will do so with other girls in the course

I know i’m going to get a lot of judgement from this post but i just want to vent here truthfully

I feel like ive been transported into high school where i was the ugly ducking and no boy ever cared for me

I really hate the feelings its resurfacing being in my mid twenties

The whole experience is triggering and i feel like im going to walk away feeling like maybe im not the person i thought i was in terms of looks and character and therefor i need to be realistic about what im looking for too because clearly my type doesn’t want me back

I get that not being a confrontational person is a good thing but sometimes when you’re put in a certain position my body goes into flight or fight mode

For example i’m living with a housemate, whose sickly sweet on the outside but the minute you don’t agree with something she says or whatever she becomes condescending especially with me. I feel like shes sees through the anxiety somewhat

For example just now, we were discussing plans about going to the beach. Key word: discussing and not arguing.

The weather this weekend is predicted to be extremely hot to the point where other plans were cancelled due to the extreme heat

I suggested that its not a great idea to take make the trip this weekend and just to think through whether its a good idea or not

For context we are under a time crunch and dont have many days left where we are however I was just enquiring how she plans to tackle the extreme heat with laying in the beach and pool for several hours

She said well its the same whether we stay indoors or outdoors which was clearly a dumb argument

Then i started asking well do they have indoor pools and she started getting condensing and sarcastic again like ‘well i dont know i haven’t been’. Again it was the way she was saying it that really rubbed me the wrong way

Then she said ‘well i cant change the weather so theres not much i can do i’m afraid’

She really pissed me off with that last one because its like clearly thats not what we’re discussing

And we’re supposed to be ‘friends/‘housemates’

I hate being around her she drains so much energy of mine because i hate discussing anything with her ever as if i’m not on her side she gets all sarcastic and condescending.

And my body just goes in shut down mode.

My voice starts shaking and i start sweating and my thoughts dont come to fruition

I just hate people that put me in that place over small things

Its so exhausting.

I dont have long left with her thankfully but i also don’t want to go home thinking i never stood up for myself

I just dont know how to train my brain into thinking this person is no more intelligent and superior to me.

I’m in my mid twenties and still have the same issue that plagued me a decade ago

I’m such a people pleaser, i can practice all i want in my room but i cant bring myself to say no when it comes down to it

For example im living with w a few muslim girls for studies and even though theyre all younger than me they see me as a pushover

And I cant really change that opinion over night and cant change their opinion

I always go over and above for them but they cant hand me the same back yet i feel bad when i want to draw a line to my help

Its exhausting constantly thinking if they feel offended by something i said or did so i always try be the yes person. Also they do act ‘hurt’ sometimes too

And they see through the lack of confidence and see the social anxiety.

To the point where on my birthday they were all going round making wishes, and one of the girls, who albiet i think meant well, said that she wishes i gain confidence and see myself in the way others see me. It was sweet but it hurt me that when they think of me thats what they think. Btw this girl was 5 yrs younger than me

I always go over and above for them but they cant hand me the same back yet i feel bad when i want to draw a line to my help

And they sometimes capitalise on it. Not in a really horrible way. But for example if they want to go out somewhere and they have nobody to go with, they will ask me because they know i won’t say no

Or things of that nature. When they want me to help them out with something they come to me

At first i felt honoured i was their go-to. But i realised i was just being exploited in whatever way

And i can never put me first like they put themselves first. I never get ‘my way’

I feel like i wont change the perception this group has of me bcos its gone on far too long but i just hate that i cant shake it off either

Ive just been too vulnerable with them

I’m in my mid twenties and still have the same issue that plagued me a decade ago

I’m such a people pleaser, i can practice all i want in my room but i cant bring myself to say no when it comes down to it

For example im living with w a few muslim girls for studies and even though theyre all younger than me they see me as a pushover

And I cant really change that opinion over night and cant change their opinion

I always go over and above for them but they cant hand me the same back yet i feel bad when i want to draw a line to my help

Its exhausting constantly thinking if they feel offended by something i said or did so i always try be the yes person. Also they do act ‘hurt’ sometimes too

And they see through the lack of confidence and see the social anxiety

And they sometimes capitalise on it. Not in a really horrible way. But for example if they want to go out somewhere and they have nobody to go with, they will ask me because they know i won’t say no

Or things of that nature. When they want me to help them out with something they come to me

At first i felt honoured i was their go-to. But i realised i was just being exploited in whatever way

And i can never put me first like they put themselves first. I never get ‘my way’

I feel like i wont change the perception this group has of me bcos its gone on far too long but i just hate that i cant shake it off either

Ive just been too vulnerable with them

So i’m somebody who doesn’t take pictures alot and definitely doesn’t send them or upload them anywhere

I’m on a trip with some girls and ofc theyre going to be taking pictures every minute

They do tend to respect my decision to not be in them but sometimes i end up in the background or group pictures

Now silly me i got influenced into taking pictures (just for memories to keep) because we visited a really cool place. Now the solos were taken on one of my friend’s phone because mine is really old

I should’ve put my foot down and only taken them on mine but in the moment i didnt think it through

I have asked the girl to delete them after sending it to me which she has however recently deleted still exists

And also i mistrust her somewhat and i feel like she will send them to others like her family against my will

I really wish i hadn’t taken the photos but now the anxiety of whether she has already sent them to others is eating me alive

Theyre not necessarily bad pictures and i am covered but ofcourse I am posing in them etc and i dont want anyone to see them

I have talked to her about it but how many times can you bring up the same topic

I dont trust her enough and i feel i made a bad mistake

Idk what to do.

How do i tell her one last time these pictures are a amanah. I feel if i go in too hard she might actually be more tempted to spread them

So i’m somebody who doesn’t take pictures alot and definitely doesn’t send them or upload them anywhere

I’m on a trip with some girls and ofc theyre going to be taking pictures every minute

They do tend to respect my decision to not be in them but sometimes i end up in the background or group pictures

Now silly me i got influenced into taking pictures (just for memories to keep) because we visited a really cool place. Now the solos were taken on one of my friend’s phone because mine is really old

I should’ve put my foot down and only taken them on mine but in the moment i didnt think it through

I have asked the girl to delete them after sending it to me which she has however recently deleted still exists

And also i mistrust her somewhat and i feel like she will send them to others like her family against my will

I really wish i hadn’t taken the photos but now the anxiety of whether she has already sent them to others is eating me alive

Theyre not necessarily bad pictures and i am covered but ofcourse I am posing in them etc and i dont want anyone to see them

I have talked to her about it but how many times can you bring up the same topic

I dont trust her enough and i feel i made a bad mistake

Idk what to do.

How do i tell her one last time these pictures are a amanah. I feel if i go in too hard she might actually be more tempted to spread them

I’m in my mid twenties and I feel like i let myself go in terms of looks. I went through some rough periods and stopped working out, eating well etc

When i’m out with friends, especially this one particular friend who is drop dead stunning mashaAllah, i feel invisible.

The men run to her for her attention. I dont envy that and i kind of get it because she just is that beautiful

But when its the guy you like its different

So theres a guy and i like him hes friendly and talkative with everyone including me

However im not sure right not if he particularly likes me back that way and is just a nice person. Time will tell. However we were walking and talking and the conversation was okay but i was mainly steering it

Then comes along my gorgeous friend and he starts perching up makes jokes and leading the convo. All whilst im there

It really hurt because not only did it confirm my suspicions that maybe he doesn’t like me that way but also that he was able to make good convo, just not with me

I felt so invisible in that moment. I dont care if she gets male attention generally, but to get it from the guy i like and for him to choose her over me… watching that unfold really hurt

And i know people say looks wrent everything but at that point he didnt know anything about her besides what she looks like yet he stillgave her attention

So i have a a friend who changed her mood with me multiple times and i dont understand where i stand

For context we are currently housemates along with other girls

Well i do. I know she isn’t the greatest friend since she switches up so much but also sometimes she can be super sweet, not out of wanting something, but just nice and helping which makes me forget about her switch ups

But then equally she will be off with me the next day

Its hard because i just know if i ever address it nothing practical will come out of it and its just going to leave a sour mark on our dynamic

I kind of want to create boundaries now where we don’t get super close anymore because her switching up shortly after gets me very confused. I’d rather just keep a distance regardless

Also in her periods of being ‘off’ with me, i see her being fine with other friends

When i ask her whats wrong she will claim she’s tired but when she’s with others the next moment she will be bursting full of energy

I just don’t know how i can address this treatment

I’m mid twenties and believe me i’ve already been through this arc in my teens then my early twenties and i finally thought i found peace

I guess growing up i wasnt exactly the pretty girl but i was the funny one so it was fine

Then i had a glow up in my twenties from the inside too and i was very secure in myself

But with the marriage market and everything being the way it is sometimes you feel like you have to really put yourself out there to get noticed

I’m not bad looking but i’m not wowwww. I dont mean this as self pity. I’m just being realistic. Yeah with a bit of clean girl makeup i can look half decent

But i have a friend. Literally without a drop of makeup this girl is 10/10. Skin, eyes, everything

And she doesn’t even try. She could wear a trash bag and still look good. She’s actually really nice too. And clever. So all rounder essentially

And i’m fine with that. But then seeing guys, especially the type of guys i would want to be interested in me go up to her, every single time.

I know they probably wouldnt go for me anyway. But then i know if i even had a chance and then she came along they wouldn’t think twice about dropping me

I know what you’re going to say - that theres more to life than men and looks. But when you want to get married these things magnify

Its just that I know if me and her were both in a room, without knowing us they would instantly go for her.

And thats the thing. To get a guy to approach you he has to be attracted to you. I guess i’m the sorta girl whose personality could make up for the looks.

Nobody would approach me on looks alone. Whereas with her. Like i said

EDIT: in no way shape or form do i wish bad on the girl. I’m just expressing my frustration of not being approached

I’m mid twenties and believe me i’ve already been through this arc in my teens then my early twenties and i finally thought i found peace

I guess growing up i wasnt exactly the pretty girl but i was the funny one so it was fine

Then i had a glow up in my twenties from the inside too and i was very secure in myself

But with the marriage market and everything being the way it is sometimes you feel like you have to really put yourself out there to get noticed

I’m not bad looking but i’m not wowwww. I dont mean this as self pity. I’m just being realistic. Yeah with a bit of clean girl makeup i can look half decent

But i have a friend. Literally without a drop of makeup this girl is 10/10. Skin, eyes, everything

And she doesn’t even try. She could wear a trash bag and still look good. She’s actually really nice too. And clever. So all rounder essentially

And i’m fine with that. But then seeing guys, especially the type of guys i would want to be interested in me go up to her, every single time.

I know they probably wouldnt go for me anyway. But then i know if i even had a chance and then she came along they wouldn’t think twice about dropping me

I know what you’re going to say - that theres more to life than men and looks. But when you want to get married these things magnify

Its just that I know if me and her were both in a room, without knowing us they would instantly go for her.

And thats the thing. To get a guy to approach you he has to be attracted to you. I guess i’m the sorta girl whose personality could make up for the looks.

Nobody would approach me on looks alone. Whereas with her. Like i said

Soo i have a good friend of mine, who we haven’t known each other for the longest however have become very good friends in a short space of time (our families know each other too)

Anyway there was some important news - namely that her engagement broke off recently which she didn’t share with me which is completely fine except that she did mention something like she was talking to a guy and it wasnt looking like it was working out, and she was asking me if she should continue with him or not. Again fine, although asking my advice as if its a current situation when its clearly ended is a bit strange albiet

What struck me is when we were sat with a big group of girls - who we aren’t close with that much, she willingly shared every detail of how their engagement/Nikah date was X and it was fixed and it broke off

I get not sharing with me but sharing with a group of girls who we barely knew like that, whilst im there, telling them major details that you conveniently missed out when asking for advice (which in and of itself isnt that big of a deal)

But it rubbed me the wrong way to know she felt more trusting of them than me

Anyway, it kinda put a dent in my trust in her and how much i will share with her from now ow

Sooo this is my first time living with housemates and living apart and away from family more generally, soo i don’t exactly have a large amount of experience with such dynamics

Anywayy im living abroad and the first few nights were real tough so I asked another housemate who im somewhat close with if she didnt mind sleeping in the same room with me for a lil while until i settle

Thing is we don’t have a spare mattress or bed ofcourse but there is another girl here who does. We all paid for single rooms but this girl paid for a double room which she thought meant a double bed but actually ended up being a room with two single beds

Now my friend suggested why don’t you ask her for the spare bed for a few nights or even just the mattress lol since what use would she have for a spare bed except say storage. Lets say she did need it for that, even after taking the mattress she would still have the bed for that right

Look i know its not my right to have it but i explained how scared i was feeling and i genuinely wouldnt have asked without good reason and necessity (i have been sleep deprived for the past few days because i cant manage to sleep)

When i asked she initially did say she uses it for storage and was leaning towards no. Then my friend butted in and said well if you just need it for storage how about we just take the mattress for a bit (my friend even offered there was a chair in the room which she could take for extra storage or whatever)

Then the girl gave in and said we could take it. The amount of time wasnt explicitly said but the context was like 2/3 nights

The first night my friend slept in i slept so well. And was really glad i made the arrangement. The very next day tho the girl who i borrowed the mattress from said hey can i have it back bcos its laundry day and i want to wash the bedding of the mattress (that she doesn’t even use)

I know it was just an excuse to get it back but the very next morning cmon?

Like you need it back immediately?

I get she might have felt she doesn’t owe us anything and i wasn’t intending to take advantage by keeping the mattress indefinitely, just a few nights.

Anyway i said i would give it back but i feel its just awkward between us. I didnt really even want to ask for it because i had to share personal info about my situation etc and now i feel she might even tell other people, even tho its a sensitive situation

Thing is she is really, REALLY nice on the surface and i feel i saw some of the mask slip off. I feel like people who are overly nice are hiding some parts of their personality especially girls who over do it. Ugh i just dont want to be dealing with housemate awkwardness ontop of all the homesickness and everything else im dealing with

Was i in the wrong?

Soo i was looking forward to a trip abroad studying in an intensive course (language) for many months. I even got my friend involved and persuaded her to come.

Now over the course of these few months i kinda lost the drive that i had to go abroad for some time and the plans kept getting delayed such that when it was time i was over the idea entirely lol

However tickets were booked, and fees were deposited etc

A pit kept growing in my stomach as the time was getting closer and i put it down to nerves of being away from family etc

Now that i’m here that pit hasn’t gone away, its intensified

I dont particularly enjoy the course and the study abroad life isn’t what i was envisaging it to be.

I have visited the country before as a tourist and enjoyed my time here but i guess its different when you live here

I feel trapped and alone and scared. Call me a baby but i hate sleeping in my own room thousands of miles away from home. I also am very sensitive when it comes to where i’m sleeping so every night practically scared straight about noises and stuff that i hear

I’m extremely homesick and its been a few days only. I have my family here for these few days and they will be leaving today and I’m extremely scared once they do

I feel trapped because of the non-refundable stuff we’ve paid for (fees and rent)

And also i talked my friend into it (she is the one who expressed interest in joining me but had I not gone she wouldn’t have either). Her being here is the only thing keeping me from feeling lonely and I constantly think had it not been for her I would leave this very day with my family and not look back

I can already tell i’m not going to like it and the experience is not going to grow on me with time. Again i feel like ive outgrown the idea too

Since we’ve paid for stuff I want to give it s few more weeks, a month max and then leave swiftly. I dont even know how i’m going to survive a few weeks tbh

Everyday feels like a challenge.

I’ve never lived out too so

But how do i break the news to my friend? I feel like i talked her into it and now im the one who wants to leave. I also cannot just leave her. Thats wrong. We came together

But she’s the only reason i’m still considering staying because otherwise like i said i would be on the plane back with my family tonight

Soo i was looking forward to a trip abroad studying in an intensive course (language) for many months. I even got my friend involved and persuaded her to come.

Now over the course of these few months i kinda lost the drive that i had to go abroad for some time and the plans kept getting delayed such that when it was time i was over the idea entirely lol

However tickets were booked, and fees were deposited etc

A pit kept growing in my stomach as the time was getting closer and i put it down to nerves of being away from family etc

Now that i’m here that pit hasn’t gone away, its intensified

I dont particularly enjoy the course and the study abroad life isn’t what i was envisaging it to be.

I have visited the country before as a tourist and enjoyed my time here but i guess its different when you live here

I feel trapped and alone and scared. Call me a baby but i hate sleeping in my own room thousands of miles away from home. I also am very sensitive when it comes to where i’m sleeping so every night practically scared straight about noises and stuff that i hear

I’m extremely homesick and its been a few days only. I have my family here for these few days and they will be leaving today and I’m extremely scared once they do

I feel trapped because of the non-refundable stuff we’ve paid for (fees and rent)

And also i talked my friend into it (she is the one who expressed interest in joining me but had I not gone she wouldn’t have either). Her being here is the only thing keeping me from feeling lonely and I constantly think had it not been for her I would leave this very day with my family and not look back

I can already tell i’m not going to like it and the experience is not going to grow on me with time. Again i feel like ive outgrown the idea too

Since we’ve paid for stuff I want to give it s few more weeks, a month max and then leave swiftly. I dont even know how i’m going to survive a few weeks tbh

Everyday feels like a challenge.

I’ve never lived out too so

But how do i break the news to my friend? I feel like i talked her into it and now im the one who wants to leave. I also cannot just leave her. Thats wrong. We came together

But she’s the only reason i’m still considering staying because otherwise like i said i would be on the plane back with my family tonight

I dont know what to do

i’m in amman for the summer as an arabic student and i want to integrate into the local community instead of being trapped in this foreign student touristy bubble. i love the culture but like how do i become one of yall

(btw im muslim, not arab and live in europe)

i’m in amman for the summer as an arabic student and i want to integrate into the local community instead of being trapped in this foreign student touristy bubble. i love the culture but like how do i become one of yall

(btw im muslim, not arab and live in europe)

Audhubillah i feel like i’m going back a 1000 steps with these thoughts but i have to direct them somewhere else they’ll consume me

Its not that I haven’t studied the Deen extensively that I need someone to explain to me the concept of Qadr

but its one thing to study and one thing to live it.

Especially when it comes to marriage. Seeing people left and right getting married, like some of them didn’t even try, it just got handed to them

meanwhile ive been crying in tahajjud and begging in dua for years - not that that now onligates anything on Him, rather no amount of begging and crying will ever be enough for His Majesty

But it just sucks. So bad. I’m trying so hard from every avenue and I feel like I’ve exhausted my options and my energy

it doesn’t help that people around me are poking at my age (turning 26 soon) with no prospect in sight

im fact the last ’shot’ i had at it, the guy made me feel bad for being 25 and umarried, hinting something was wrong with me and that I couldn’t find anyone else

i know he was wrong for that but it really ate away at my confidence because he was right.

i’m becoming old. look Don’t come at me with that ‘you’re still young’ nonsense. I’m on a trad Muslim subreddt so I dont want woke nonsense

i wanted ’early’ marriage. 22/23. I was READY once id graduated college. so ready

in fact i even took out a year after just to become more home-trained, focus on myself to get ready for marriage.

i waited and prayed and nobody came. One year became two and then three and now I’m here. Exhausted and depleted.

ive wanted nothing more these last few years to have my own lil family by now, or just a husband, a cute place of our own, to take care and be taken care of.

when i was 22 and looking people told me i was too young to be concerned about marriage. And now the years have passed by in the blink of a second. And suddenly im getting into ‘expired’ category

and if you write this in any other utter woke feminist ‘muslim girl’ subreddit they will tell you to decentre men from your life??

worst advice

to want something so natural and encouraged in Islam yet decentre it??

no wonder we have a marriage crisis with such harmful thinking

and no i dont want to take up any new hobbies that isnt going to get me a man. Life feels so directionless - not because i dont have my deen, but because i dont have my man.

i feel in limbo waiting for the next stage of life to come but it isnt

which takes me back to my original point. I’m really struggling with the concept of accepting Qadr.

Yes you’ll all say ’maybe you are being protected by an evil vile husband’ but why does that have to be the answer?? When theres tons of happy marriages about too

how is me sitting here in utter misery and loneliness for the last few years any better?

and what if i die alone? That was ‘what was best for me’ HOW ?????

if everything which occurs if for the best then why do people disbelieve and sin and get sent to hell, how is that in their best interest ?? The logic doesn’t follow

I’m visiting from the UK and intend on staying here for a few months.

i wanted to ask is the situation stable right now? ive just seen some news come out about some air bases in jordan being attacked