u/FixFuture3374

Especially when I'm already bad at that regulation. When other people come into the mix and then they trigger me and then I behave in a way I don't want, it ultimately just brings more pain.

I feel so fucked up as a person, and unable to do so many simple things that any time I think of trying I just shut down. Anything related to pursuing relationships, romantic or platonic, I just can't, it's too much. Everything else already sucks, I can't add people to that as well.

I know this isn't healthy. I know the answer isn't to shut down more. I know I'm just ranting because I've been spiraling for a couple days and I'm trying to cope. I'm tired of being like this. I'm tired of feeling like an alien all the time. I don't want to have to work this much to be normal. I didn't want to feel that I'm unable to connect, but I think that's just how it is for now.

بس ده كدب. انا عايز اهتمام زي اي انسان. بس مفيش حد مهتم. كل ما احاول مبينفعش. معرفش ليه انا مش حد ممكن يتحب. اوقات الشعور بيبقى صعب وملهوش حل لدرجة اني ببقى عايز اموت. العالم ده مش ليا.

انا تعبت من شعور الغرابة والوحدة. تعبت من شعور اني مش عارف اكون انسان طبيعي. كسم الحياة. وكسم الناس الطبيعية اللي مش محتاجين يحسو بكده وبيلوموك انت عشان غريب.

Growing up where it wasn't common for boys and girls to be friends, where sexuality was something to be hidden, and due to other trauma that made me feel out of place and unsafe around people in general, it became very difficult for me to talk to women in person. I can text, but that's not enough. And it makes me feel like shit because I don't like this distinction in my brain between men and women, where it is tough to just talk and try to be friends, and even harder to imagine myself in a relationship. Then I hate myself for it and call myself a loser, a weirdo, and an incel. I think it's just my brain trying to justify the pain and fear and my "inaction" by saying it's because I suck and that's why things are like this. But even then, I get scared sometimes that it's actually true, or that because of these thoughts it will become true.

And then you think you have to make it sound cool or interesting and afterwards you feel like you've achieved the opposite of that?