u/Fizziefrog

It's another weekend, and all I do is ruminate on stuff. Ever since I was a kid, I was stuck in my head. I had a hard time making friends, my mom didn't have much time nor energy to pay attention, and my father wasn't particularly present. I've never been close with my older sibling, and since my younger sibling moved away, there's not much of a bond left either.

I'm 25 now, and I feel stuck, walking in circles. I have the same thoughts, the same insecurities, the same problems as back then. I feel like an overgrown chick unable to get out of its shell. I'm behind everyone and everything. I have, and never had, a future in mind. I did what was expected of me (school, apprenticeship, job) and the years have passed by. I'm disconnected from my reality. Sometimes I sit outside, something I do too rarely, and get overwhelmed with a bunch of weird feelings. I have random crying spells. I constantly feel a pull inside of me but I don't know what to do about it. I don't really want to do anything. I want to sleep. I want to daydream. In my fantasies, I'm someone else. Someone better. Someone capable and beautiful. I'm still waiting on some grand adventure, I guess. Instead, all I get is this listless drifting. I know it's my own fault. I need to get up and actually do something, but I just can't. I really hate myself, from my weird looks to my boring personality. I have a clumsy and uncoordinated body. I'm fat. I can't enjoy eating, despite it being one of my only comforts.

I'm starved of connection. I need someone. I'm getting tired of taking care of myself, and of doing everything alone. I want someone to see me. It's the one and only wish I'm clearly aware of. But I don't feel worthy of it. The thought that there's a person who actually wants to be with me is ridiculous and unrealistic.

When I have a moment of clarity, I do know that I have to change. I can't keep going like this. But then that moment passes and all I crave is to live in my dream world forever. It's hurting a lot less there.

Hallo

Habe heute nach der Arbeit einen blöden Fehler gemacht und zerbreche mir jetzt den Kopf. Mein Auto stand auf einem öffentlichen Parkplatz, und daneben ein weiteres Auto, ziemlich nah dran. Habe also gedacht, ja, ok, ich schau mal, ob ich reinkomme. Mache meine Autotür auf, und will sie "nur" am anderen Auto anlehnen (mache ich normalerweise nicht, aber es war echt eng). Tür ist dabei aber angestoßen. Konnte keinen Schaden feststellen und bin schlussendlich von der Beifahrer-Seite reingeklettert, und bin nach Hause gefahren. Tja. Jetzt mache ich mir riesige Sorgen, dass doch etwas sein könnte. Ist ja auch Fahrerflucht, oder?

Ich fühle mich echt schlecht und habe Sorge, dass da Anzeige erstattet wird :/

I'm 25, female. I was never particularly thin or dainty, more sturdy and tall for a girl. Then puberty happened and everything went off the rails. I gained so much weight. I was constantly hungry, I constantly ate, always stuffing food into my mouth. It's entirely my fault ​but I was so so lonely because I couldn't fit in with anyone at all and had troubles at home. I was eating SO MUCH in secret.

Due to genetics and a hormone disorder it seems like almost ALL of my body fat went to my belly. It looks so awful. And my breasts are equally ugly and saggy. I hate that there's so many fat women out there who can pull their excessive weight off, and dress nicely, and have cute faces and pretty smiles. My own face is manly, and I have a bunch of dark body hair. I can't look into the mirror without thinking that I'm absolutely gross. I don't have any selfies and when group pictures are taken, I crop myself out.

I never had a boyfriend, nor did anyone ever show me any physical affection, no flirting, nothing. I never spoke to a man more than absolutely necessary.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I can't stick to a diet. I'm pathetic. I'm waiting for my head to finally get to terms with the fact that I'll never look decent. I can't compensate my looks with my personality either, though I'm really trying to be an understanding, caring, compassionate person. It doesn't matter.​​