u/FlowAmbitious2458

Hello guys, I hope it's okay to post this here. I'm a 23-year old female who studies Psychology and one of my greatest interests is ASPD. I don't have it myself, however, I am also a cluster B (diagnosed with BPD, as well as autism and bipolar) and I just would really like to get to talk to more people with ASPD in order to get to know them better, de-stigmatize it, and understand how this disorder affects one's life. I plan to someday in the future work in environments with a high density of people with ASPD or ASPD traits. Therefore, if anyone who has ASPD is open to talk, I'd really love it! Thanks for the attention.

Why is it that the tiniest of comments can ruin my mood so much? Why can't I even muster the courage to be mad at the person who made the comment, and can only be mad at myself? How can I go so easily from being totally fine and then having urges to harm myself and intrusive thoughts about overdosing? How can the simplest comment that is not even really about me affect me like that? Why can't I turn this outwardly, why can't I do anything about it? Why does it always have to be turned to myself - I'm always the one to blame, the one who's wrong, the pathetic fucking miserable dramatic one? Why do I hate myself this much? I really wish I was a bit more explosive and outward. Maybe ruining relationships is worth it - at least I wouldn't feel so lost in an infinite wasteland of emptiness, self-hatred, and self-invalidation. I'm still infuriated thay my mood can be so easily destroyed with one single tiny comment. Before, I was totally fine, even a little happy, and then it came crashing down - and the worst part is, I can't even feel that fully, because it's all coated with emptiness and pure self-hatred. I feel rejected by life. I feel rejected by everyone. It's like I'm not good enough for anything and nothing is good enough for me. I don't match this world. And I hate that all of my hate goes exclusively to myself. I hate that I'm always the one wanting to die over minor frustrations and I can't even direct them somewhere else. I hate myself.

Why is it that the tiniest of comments can ruin my mood so much? Why can't I even muster the courage to be mad at the person who made the comment, and can only be mad at myself? How can I go so easily from being totally fine and then having urges to harm myself and intrusive thoughts about overdosing? How can the simplest comment that is not even really about me affect me like that? Why can't I turn this outwardly, why can't I do anything about it? Why does it always have to be turned to myself - I'm always the one to blame, the one who's wrong, the pathetic fucking miserable dramatic one? Why do I hate myself this much? I really wish I was a bit more explosive and outward. Maybe ruining relationships is worth it - at least I wouldn't feel so lost in an infinite wasteland of emptiness, self-hatred, and self-invalidation. I'm still infuriated thay my mood can be so easily destroyed with one single tiny comment. Before, I was totally fine, even a little happy, and then it came crashing down - and the worst part is, I can't even feel that fully, because it's all coated with emptiness and pure self-hatred. I feel rejected by life. I feel rejected by everyone. It's like I'm not good enough for anything and nothing is good enough for me. I don't match this world. And I hate that all of my hate goes exclusively to myself. I hate that I'm always the one wanting to die over minor frustrations and I can't even direct them somewhere else. I hate myself.

I hate being simultaneously so sensitive and also so self-aware. The self-awareness makes me be aware that what I'm feeling is irrational, out of proportion, and therefore it makes me feel immensely pathetic and invalidating towards myself. The worst part is that I still can't modulate these emotions, I can only inhibit and invalidate them. I would much rather not be so self-aware because then at least I wouldn't be so judgy over my emotions and wouldn't even realize how pathetic they are. I hate being trapped in an analytical extremely self-aware mind with irrational over the top emotions.

I hate being simultaneously so sensitive and also so self-aware. The self-awareness makes me be aware that what I'm feeling is irrational, out of proportion, and therefore it makes me feel immensely pathetic and invalidating towards myself. The worst part is that I still can't modulate these emotions, I can only inhibit and invalidate them. I would much rather not be so self-aware because then at least I wouldn't be so judgy over my emotions and wouldn't even realize how pathetic they are. I hate being trapped in an analytical extremely self-aware mind with irrational over the top emotions.

There's this one friend of mine that has been my friend for several years. A few weeks ago, he started being more considerate with me, attentive, we started playing games together and I even dreamt about him. Ever since then, I kind of feel like I'm dependent on him for the entirety of my emotional support, I need constant reassurance from him, and I feel empty and alone when he's away, and I'm also way more emotionally volatile with him, constantly shifting my sense of self-worth around him. However, it's not with the same intensity and crushing "central-ness" and overbearing presence as it was with my last FP. So I was just kind of wondering if there is such a thing as "mini FPs" or something of the sort.

There's this one friend of mine that has been my friend for several years. A few weeks ago, he started being more considerate with me, attentive, we started playing games together and I even dreamt about him. Ever since then, I kind of feel like I'm dependent on him for the entirety of my emotional support, I need constant reassurance from him, and I feel empty and alone when he's away, and I'm also way more emotionally volatile with him, constantly shifting my sense of self-worth around him. However, it's not with the same intensity and crushing "central-ness" and overbearing presence as it was with my last FP. So I was just kind of wondering if there is such a thing as "mini FPs" or something of the sort.

I always see people talking about splitting as this "violent", dramatic thing, but for me I (mostly) don't think I experience that kind of thing. What happens to me though are things like me being okay one second and then at the next suddenly feeling like the worst person in the world and like I deserve to die and feeling a lot of shame on myself, or getting upset with a friend because they didn't reply to me well enough and being unable to think of them separately from the hurt (which usually leads me to stop talking to them altogether for days or even weeks). I also feel like I have a certain difficulty integrating opposing views; I always need things to be 100% surely white or 100% surely black. I'd just like to know if splitting can happen in these subtler ways too.

I always see people talking about splitting as this "violent", dramatic thing, but for me I (mostly) don't think I experience that kind of thing. What happens to me though are things like me being okay one second and then at the next suddenly feeling like the worst person in the world and like I deserve to die and feeling a lot of shame on myself, or getting upset with a friend because they didn't reply to me well enough and being unable to think of them separately from the hurt (which usually leads me to stop talking to them altogether for days or even weeks). I also feel like I have a certain difficulty integrating opposing views; I always need things to be 100% surely white or 100% surely black. I'd just like to know if splitting can happen in these subtler ways too.

I always see people saying that BPD mood swings last for minutes to hours and maybe up to a few days, but I personally experience mood swings lasting a few days or more - though I have bipolar disorder so maybe that's why. But I've also seen other BPD people saying they have longer mood swings. I'd like to know how common that is.

I always see people saying that BPD mood swings last for minutes to hours and maybe up to a few days, but I personally experience mood swings lasting a few days or more - though I have bipolar disorder so maybe that's why. But I've also seen other BPD people saying they have longer mood swings. I'd like to know how common that is.

I always see people saying that BPD mood swings last for minutes to hours and maybe up to a few days, but I personally experience mood swings lasting a few days or more - though I have bipolar disorder so maybe that's why. But I've also seen other BPD people saying they have longer mood swings. I'd like to know how common that is.

I always see people saying that BPD mood swings last for minutes to hours and maybe up to a few days, but I personally experience mood swings lasting a few days or more - though I have bipolar disorder so maybe that's why. But I've also seen other BPD people saying they have longer mood swings. I'd like to know how common that is.

I always see people saying that BPD mood swings last for minutes to hours and maybe up to a few days, but I personally experience mood swings lasting a few days or more - though I have bipolar disorder so maybe that's why. But I've also seen other BPD people saying they have longer mood swings. I'd like to know how common that is.

How is your guys' relationship with your hyperfixations? I feel like my hyperfixations are so abnormally intense (they become the whole center of my world and identity) but they also go away abnormally fast (like two weeks), leaving me with a sense of inconsistent/fragmented identity, and I don't know if those fast switches are normal for autism or if they have something to do with BPD. How is it for you guys?

How is your guys' relationship with your hyperfixations? I feel like my hyperfixations are so abnormally intense (they become the whole center of my world and identity) but they also go away abnormally fast (like two weeks), leaving me with a sense of inconsistent/fragmented identity, and I don't know if those fast switches are normal for autism or if they have something to do with BPD. How is it for you guys?

How is your guys' relationship with your hyperfixations? I feel like my hyperfixations are so abnormally intense (they become the whole center of my world and identity) but they also go away abnormally fast (like two weeks), leaving me with a sense of inconsistent/fragmented identity, and I don't know if those fast switches are normal for autism or if they have something to do with BPD. How is it for you guys?

I've heard this from some people and I'd just like to know your guys' opinion.

I've heard this from some people and would just like to know your guys' opinion about it. To me, personally, it makes sense, considering I'm more stable now than I was when I had an FP.

My current therapist (DBT therapist) is making me realize just how much I minimized all my experiences in my life. I always thought I would be considered a stage 2 DBT patient or maybe even 3, but she told me I'm actually still stage 1 because of my frequent self-harming and suicidal behavior. I also used to think I'd never tried to kill myself, and it was only with her that I came to realize that I actually did have several attempts. I also used to think I didn't have BPD because "I have the symptoms but they're not severe enough" (and in the back of my head I still have doubts), but she - after a while of knowing me - told me that I did in fact qualify for the diagnosis. My life is just a continuous web of minimization and invalidation of my own experieces. I just thought I'd share it to see if anyone can relate.