u/Fluffy_Ace

Who else absolutely despises this combo?

I mean when they do things that combine all three?

I realize now that most of these moments in my life were pure manipulations to overcome boundaries I had rightly set (and was wisely not explaining), or just to piss me off.

But at the time just came across as my mom being dense and stupid.

"If you turn off your phone I won't be able to call you." , me to me: "That's exactly why it's turned off!"

"If you don't tell me what's going on I can't help you" , me to me: "I don't want or need your help with everything."

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/E_(mathematical_constant)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonhard_Euler

Many parent with various personality disorders or mental health issues see their children as extensions of themselves, this often involves the parent(s) assuming the kid(s) will like and dislike the same things as the parent(s).

This is pretty common with Cluster-B disorders (Narcissism , Borderline , Histrionic , Antisocial)

But to a large extent I had this situation reversed, where my Mom would suddenly become excited, interested, involved, curious with something simply because I chose to do it.

And this wasn't stuff I was coerced into either, I freely chose these things that she initially had no opinion on at all and then suddenly it became the biggest deal ever just because it was an activity I picked up.

Sure if I picked something unusual she hadn't heard of before, extra curiosity would make sense.

But she'd react this way to things that are completely mundane and common for the place and culture we were born into (born and live in the USA, white) so it wasn't some 'exoticism' angle or anything like that.

The issue this caused was that she seemed capable of having a "normal" reaction to something as long as a stranger does it, but it was (nearly) always something worth raving about when it's me.

It made doing anything feel very uncomfortable and weird.

I would start something and then stop soon after because this behavior was so irritating, and I initially didn't know it had almost nothing to do with what activity I had picked, and everything to do with the fact that it's ME.

I'd start something, she'd do all this stuff, which would deeply irritate me, and then I'd stop and try something else, hoping she wouldn't care about my next hobby or activity. Lather, rinse, repeat.

To top it all off she was irritated that I "couldn't stick with anything" I could stay with stuff just fine if I wasn't being constantly interrogated about it, and without the raving, and without her constant insistence on direct involvement, but there seemed no way to really stop that for most interests.

There were a tiny set of things that she was so completely put off by that she would leave them alone, but that was very very rare.

I even went out of my way to pick things that I thought would be boring, uninteresting, or repulsive to her, but it did nothing.

I saw a comment somewhere about this a few years ago that I saved:

>Yep. That’s cause she’s empty inside. She has nothing to define herself so she’s picking up pieces of those around her. You like the color blue? She looks inside, sees nothing in the favorite color slot, and thinks, "That must be my favorite color too!"

Anybody else here have experiences like this?

I recently figured out I had been turned into a surrogate spouse for my uMom.

It wasn't obvious because she didn't share sexual or other adult issues with me, it was mostly just overinvolvement and enmeshing, which are somewhat stereotypical in BPD parents, certain kinds anyway.

She used my company for emotional comfort but kept the specifics away from me.

The main reason I believe this is that when I do internet searches related to behavior patterns she showed, I get lots of results for couples related stuff.

So I started poking around in "partners with Cluster B disorders" places and started finding all sorts of things I relate to.

Sure there were a good deal of things that happened to me that fit the mold of parent/child issues, but the amount of partner/spouse things that line up is uncanny.

Anyone else have a realization like this?

Many parent with various personality disorders or mental health issues see their children as extensions of themselves, this often involves the parent(s) assuming the kid(s) will like and dislike the same things as the parent(s).

But to a large extent I had this situation reversed, where my uMom would suddenly become excited, interested, involved, curious with something simply because I chose to do it.

And this wasn't stuff I was coerced into either, I freely chose these things that she initially had no opinion on at all and then suddenly it became the biggest deal ever just because it was an activity I picked up.

Sure if I picked something unusual she hadn't heard of before, extra curiosity would make sense.

But she'd react this way to things that are completely mundane and common for the place and culture we were born into (born and live in the USA, white) so it wasn't some 'exoticism' angle or anything like that.

The issue this caused was that she seemed capable of having a "normal" reaction to something as long as a stranger does it, but it's was something worth raving about when it's me.

It made doing anything feel very uncomfortable and weird.

I would start something and then stop soon after because this behavior was so irritating, and I initially didn't know it had almost nothing to do with what activity I had picked, and everything to do with the fact that it's ME.

I'd start something, she'd do all this stuff, which would deeply irritate me, and then I'd stop and try something else, hoping she wouldn't care about my next hobby or activity. Lather, rinse, repeat.

To top it all off she was irritated that I "couldn't stick with anything" I could stay with stuff just fine if I wasn't being constantly interrogated about it, and without the raving, and without her constant insistence on direct involvement, but there seemed no way to really stop that for most interests.

There were a tiny set of things that she was so completely put off by that she would leave them alone, but that was very very rare.

I even went out of my way to pick things that I thought would be boring, uninteresting, or repulsive to her, but it did nothing.

I saw a comment somewhere about this a few years ago that I saved it to a text file full of other quotes on my laptop.

>Yep. That’s cause she’s empty inside. She has nothing to define herself so she’s picking up pieces of those around her. You like the color blue? She looks inside, sees nothing in the favorite color slot, and thinks, "That must be my favorite color too!"

Anybody else have experiences like this?

because I knew she wanted me to ask just to feed her ego.

I didn't know that phrase, but I recognized that she wanted me to go to her because it put her in the authority role and made her feel powerful.

These type of parents want deferral.

I obviously didn't know any of these terms at the time, but I noticed her blatant overeagerness, paired with what I now understand is a drug-like pleasure response.

She didn't do anything weird to me, but I could tell she was just way too into it.

I remember when I got a bit older she always had an odd reaction when I would rather learn stuff online, from books, or from other people. I now know it's because I wasn't asking HER.

Anybody else avoid going to a "harmless" covert parent as a kid, purely because of weird vibes?

Many parent with various personality disorders or mental health issues see their children as extensions of themselves, this often involves the parent(s) assuming the kid(s) will like and dislike the same things as the parent(s).

But to a large extent I had this situation reversed, where my uMom would suddenly become excited, interested, involved, curious with something simply because I chose to do it.

And this wasn't stuff I was coerced into either, I freely chose these things that she initially had no opinion on at all and then suddenly it became the biggest deal ever just because it was an activity I picked up.

Sure if I picked something unusual she hadn't heard of before, extra curiosity would make sense.

But she'd react this way to things that are completely mundane and common for the place and culture we were born into (born and live in the USA, white) so it wasn't some 'exoticism' angle or anything like that.

There was one reply to a closed, archived RBB thread I found via google, but I couldn't seem to find any others like it:

Yep. That’s cause she’s empty inside. She has nothing to define herself so she’s picking up pieces of those around her. You like the color blue? She looks inside, sees nothing in the favorite color slot, and thinks, “That must be my favorite color too!”

Anybody else have experiences like this?

EDIT:
The issue this caused was that she seemed capable of having a "normal" reaction to something as long as a stranger does it, but it's was something worth raving about when it's me.

It made doing anything feel very uncomfortable and weird.

I would start something and then stop soon after because this behavior was so irritating, and I initially didn't know it had almost nothing to do with what activity I had picked, and everything to do with the fact that it's ME.

I'd start something, she'd do all this stuff, which would deeply irritate me, and then I'd stop and try something else, hoping she wouldn't care about my next hobby or activity. Lather, rinse, repeat.

To top it all off she was irritated that I "couldn't stick with anything" I could stay with stuff just fine if I wasn't being constantly interrogated about it, and without the raving, but there seemed no way to really stop that for most interests.

There were a tiny set of things that she was so completely put off by that she would leave them alone, but that was very very rare.

Just to clarify, my Nmom was fine to be around as a younger kid, the problems with her only became obvious when I started becoming very capable and overtly pursuing more independence.

I know part of it was that there often weren't other kids around to play with, and I now know a big part of why she would offer was for attention and supply.

But I just got tried of talking to, and playing with her. I wanted some variety, and I wanted to play with people my own age.

I wasn't mad at her for offering, but I remember saying stuff to the effect of "I don't hate playing with you, I just don't want to play with YOU all the time." and I would play by myself not because I truly wanted to be alone, I just didn't want mom involved every time.

She didn't get super pushy when I politely turn her down, but I think I as picking up on the fact that she into this more than was usual, or in a way that wasn't quite normal.

I now know what this is, but I'm just explaining my thought process at the time.