I feel like im being psychologically controlled
Long story short, I confided to my husband about two weeks ago that I want to pursue a divorce after finding he has a hidden porn addiction. We have been together three year and have a toddler. Throughout our entire relationship, I never in a million years would think he has a problem with porn, much less even watches it all (we both agreed early in the relationship that we don’t even like it). But I did ignore some early red flags like his controlling nature, hatred (and separation of me) of my family, extremely high / obsessive sex drive, very little empathy, almost no affection (besides sex), and what I assumed where “white lies” or sort-of half truths (his educational background, his finances, etc).
Well one confronted with the porn, he completely and adamantly denies everything maintaining that he has been hacked. I have multiple screenshots of his internet browsing history on his local device (cell phone) with timestamps of him watching porn nearly every morning and night, while I’m either away at school or taking care of the baby in another room, and even while “sexting” me. Anyway he still vehemently denies any and all porn use, even after I said that we could work on this and save our marriage if he just admitted to having a problem and sought counseling.
His initial reaction to my asking for a divorce was complete shock followed by blind rage where he threatened to sue me for 100% custody of our son (makes no sense bc we live in a 50/50 state) and called me a bunch of horrible names. Well then he gave me the silent treatment and in that time decided he needs to “clear his name” and has been in touch with “Google and tech professionals” to figure out how he’s been hacked. During this time he provisionally agreed to mediation (we have no shared assets or debt, so just need to figure out child custody sharing), and even had a consult with a mediator I found.
Since then he has on two occasions encouraged me to drink more than I normally would with him and during those nights has convinced me to try to stay and work on the marriage. Both times, I fell under his sway and honestly am mourning the loss of what I thought my life would be. He’s promised to change everything to save the marriage, from his job to counseling to how active of a father he is to buying me a new engagement ring, etc. But deep down, I know this person will never change and that he is actively manipulating me…
I feel like I am not strong enough to live in this state of limbo. It’s like one day I feel super strong and true resolve to commit to my plan and move him toward mediation. But somehow he finds a way to prey on my emotions again, and I find myself softening. Then I wake up the next day and I’m like wtf was I thinking, this man still doesn’t treat me right. It’s so, so hard. I’m honestly at the point of forgoing mediation altogether (even though I would VASTLY prefer it) because I feel like he is actually lying and will never, ever agree to mediation. It feels like he will just keep trying to manipulate me and make me stay endlessly until I give up.
I’m at the point where I think the only way I can actually get out of this situation is to file the divorce paperwork formally with a lawyer.