u/FreshLotus5

I know this issue is common but I thought to ask for myself.

When i hookup with a guy but the guy has a bigger dick and it just makes me feel insecure about myself and I can’t stay hard, and I know it’s my low self esteem that’s driving that, any ways to overcome this? I imagine this is a common issue among dudes who have sex with each other. This phenomenon can happen in hetero world when a guy might worry about someone else but in gay world, the dicks are right next to each other. lol

I was playing yesterday afternoon with an insanely hot dude I was pursuing for months. It was great everything worked out and we were really into each other and want to see each other again despite my lack of performance. He got off which I’m happy about. But I couldn’t stay hard cause I felt intimidated and inferior from his size. He was nice about it and everything. But I just felt I let him down and myself. Not the energy I want to have during sex.

I don’t have medical issues per se. And I use cialis for the heck of it.

I am certainly working on the root causes. But wondered what the community here can share from their experience.

Any advice?

Edit:
Thanks for everyone’s replies! So helpful and meaningful to me. I posted on other subreddits as well and got a lot of helpful replies.

Since posting I came across the key reason. The details don’t matter but the concept I hope can be helpful for everyone. And that is the concept of self hatred. I do have low self esteem. I know that and I’ve been addressing that for many years, therapy, following Buddhist and Jungian precepts. I came out only in sep 2025, started meeting guys in Feb 2026. So obviously these were very painful journeys but successful in terms of living an authentic life. In that process I needed to learn how to love myself. Clearly a deficit then and I continue to fill that cup. I’m much much better at that.
Here’s what I think is interesting that i discovered.
There was also still a side of self hatred that I didn’t know until it surfaced because of this dick comparison issue. In my mind, bigger dicks (among other characteristics) meant better than me. And I had so much self hatred in this matter I didn’t even realize because it was hidden behind other emotions and behaviors. Once I acknowledged I hated myself that way, I started to cry (a good sign as that means I touched the nerve. The source. And you HAVE TO cry I feel to process the emotion and grieving and hurt). I had no idea that I would hate myself. Yeesh. But there it was. Our minds are very good in compensating, coping and protecting us but it can do so in unproductive and unpredictable ways. Self love and self hatred, while similar, may not be the same thing at least for me.
Thanks Reddit bros for your input and support.

I know this issue is common but I thought to ask for myself.

When i hookup with a guy but the guy has a bigger dick and it just makes me feel insecure about myself and I can’t stay hard, and I know it’s my low self esteem that’s driving that, any ways to overcome this? I imagine this is a common issue among dudes who have sex with each other. This phenomenon can happen in hetero world when a guy might worry about someone else but in gay world, the dicks are right next to each other. lol

I was playing yesterday afternoon with an insanely hot dude I was pursuing for months. It was great everything worked out and we were really into each other and want to see each other again despite my lack of performance. He got off which I’m happy about. But I couldn’t stay hard cause I felt intimidated and inferior from his size. He was nice about it and everything. But I just felt I let him down and myself. Not the energy I want to have during sex.

I don’t have medical issues per se. And I use cialis for the heck of it.

I am certainly working on the root causes. But wondered what the community here can share from their experience.

Any advice?

I know this issue is common but I thought to ask for myself.

When i hookup with a guy but the guy has a bigger dick and it just makes me feel insecure about myself and I can’t stay hard, and I know it’s my low self esteem that’s driving that, any ways to overcome this? I imagine this is a common issue among dudes who have sex with each other. This phenomenon can happen in hetero world when a guy might worry about someone else but in gay world, the dicks are right next to each other. lol

I’m 52 and was playing yesterday afternoon with an insanely hot younger dude I was pursuing for months. It was great everything worked out and we were really into each other and want to see each other again despite my lack of performance. He got off which I’m happy about. But I couldn’t stay hard cause I felt intimidated and inferior from his size. He was nice about it and everything. But I just felt I let him down and myself. Not the energy I want to have during sex.

I don’t have medical issues per se. And I use cialis for the heck of it.

I am certainly working on the root causes. But wondered what the community here can share from their experience.

Any advice?

Edit update:
Thanks for everyone’s replies! So helpful and meaningful to me.
Since posting I came across the key reason. The details don’t matter but the concept I hope can be helpful for everyone. And that is the concept of self hatred. I do have low self esteem. I know that and I’ve been addressing that for many years, therapy, following Buddhist and Jungian precepts. I came out only in sep 2025, started meeting guys in Feb 2026. So obviously the process of coming out was already a very painful journey but proved successful in terms of living an authentic life. In that process I needed to learn how to love myself. Clearly a deficit then and I continue to fill that cup. I’m much much better at that now.

Here’s what I think is interesting that i discovered recently.

There was also still a side of self hatred that I didn’t know about until it surfaced because of this dick comparison issue. In my mind, bigger dicks (among other characteristics) meant better than me. And I had so much self hatred in this matter I didn’t even realize because it was hidden behind other emotions and behaviors. Once I acknowledged I hated myself that way, I started to cry (a good sign as that means I touched the nerve. The source. And you HAVE TO cry I believe to adequately process the emotion and grieving and hurt). I had no idea that I would hate myself in such a way. Yeesh. But there it was. I needed to decrease my self hatred as well as continue filling self love. Our minds are very good in compensating, coping and protecting us but it can do so in unproductive and unpredictable ways. Self love and self hatred, while similar, may not be the same thing, at least it wasn’t for me. I hope my story and this nuanced matter can be helpful to others. Thanks Reddit bros for your input and support.

I know this is common but I thought to ask for myself.

When i hookup with a guy but the guy has a bigger dick and it just makes me feel insecure about myself and I can’t stay hard, and I know it’s my low self esteem that’s driving that, any ways to overcome this? I imagine this is a common issue among dudes who have sex with each other. This phenomenon can happen in hetero world when a guy might worry about someone else but in gay world, the dicks are right next to each other. lol

I was playing yesterday afternoon with an insanely hot dude I was pursuing for months. But I couldn’t stay hard cause I felt intimidated and inferior from his size. He was nice about it and everything. But I just felt I let him down and myself. Not the energy I want to have during sex.

I am certainly working on the root causes. But wondered what the community here can share from their experience.

Any advice?

Edit:
Thanks for everyone’s replies! So helpful and meaningful to me.
Since posting I came across the key reason. The details don’t matter but the concept I hope can be helpful for everyone. And that is the concept of self hatred. I do have low self esteem. I know that and I’ve been addressing that for many years, therapy, following Buddhist and Jungian precepts. I came out only in sep 2025, started meeting guys in Feb 2026. So obviously these were very painful journeys but successful in terms of living an authentic life. In that process I needed to learn how to love myself. Clearly a deficit then and I continue to fill that cup. I’m much much better at that.
Here’s what I think is interesting that i discovered.
There was also still a side of self hatred that I didn’t know until it surfaced because of this dick comparison issue. In my mind, bigger dicks (among other characteristics) meant better than me. And I had so much self hatred in this matter I didn’t even realize because it was hidden behind other emotions and behaviors. Once I acknowledged I hated myself that way, I started to cry (a good sign as that means I touched the nerve. The source. And you HAVE TO cry I feel to process the emotion and grieving and hurt). I had no idea that I would hate myself. Yeesh. But there it was. Our minds are very good in compensating, coping and protecting us but it can do so in unproductive and unpredictable ways. Self love and self hatred, while similar, may not be the same thing at least for me. Thanks Reddit bros for your input and support.