u/Friendly-Cow-8456

Hello everyone. Is the right given to the husband to verbally divorce/take back one's wife seen only in Islam? Do we see it across other cultures and traditions, and what is the basis of this in Islam?

The Quran itself in Surah Talaq says the following:

Then when they have ˹almost˺ reached the end of their waiting period, either retain them honourably or separate from them honourably.^(1) And call two of your reliable men to witness ˹either way˺—and ˹let the witnesses˺ bear true testimony for ˹the sake of˺ Allah. This is enjoined on whoever has faith in Allah and the Last Day. And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them.

While the scripture confirms that the husband is permitted to divorce/take back, one thing that is often not followed based on this ayah alone is a) waiting till the end of the iddah to decide whether to take back one's wife or not and b) the presence of 2 witnesses.

What I have seen scholars say is that simply saying I take you back is enough at any point in the iddah even if it was moments after pronouncing divorce, and witnesses are not needed. Where did they get this from?

These practices seem to go against the procedure laid out in these ayahs. Because there is nothing honorable in saying divorce in anger and later saying take you back, treating ones wife like a toy. The Quran stresses on the importance of doing this honorably.

Based on the ayah, the divorce may be pronounced. However for it to take effect, as in the wife is now set to leave her husbands home, witnesses need to be present. And in the case of taking back as well. This makes sense so that if the husband does take her back and gets her pregnant, and later claims that he divorced her and the baby is not his, witnesses can come forth and say he did in fact take her back.

I believe the process of a verbal divorce is psychosocially abusive to the woman. No matter the state of the relationship, divorce should be done through a court with full accountability. It is the dissolution of a contract, not an argument on Friday night. Leaving a woman should be harder than taking her, not easier. Because divorce is a stressful and painful procedure, the room for abuse should be minimized. I believe divorce as scholars have laid it out is wrong and not in accordance with the scripture.

Please correct me and challenge my thoughts. Thank you.

I am new here. Peace be upon you all.

I am doing some research and curious if anyone knows about evidence that a divorce pronounced [by the husband] without witnesses is effective. And the basis of 'taking back' one's wife after divorcing her verbally.

In most cases, to take a woman as one's wife, witnesses must be present and her father's and her consent is sought. However, to let go of her, to remove basic human rights like food shelter and clothing for her, to remove her from her home, no witnesses need to be present?

If a man can divorce his wife and take her back within seconds, but later claims he never took her back, she can be easily accused of zina. There can be a disagreement on whether she was taken back or not. One example of this could be: he pronounces divorces, takes her back, gets her pregnant and later claims she was divorced and its not his baby. This explains the presence of witnesses as being mandatory, as ordered in the Quran as well.

The Quran says both divorcing and taking back requires the presence of 2 witnesses. Why does this not happen in practice?

Then when they have ˹almost˺ reached the end of their waiting period, either retain them honourably or separate from them honourably. And call two of your reliable men to witness ˹either way˺—and ˹let the witnesses˺ bear true testimony for ˹the sake of˺ Allah. This is enjoined on whoever has faith in Allah and the Last Day. And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make a way out for them.

Surah Talaq 65:2

A lot of this rounds back to the concept that no ones basic human rights, like food and shelter and clothing, should be attached to another person, especially in an emotionally charged relationship like marriage. Man is weak, full of faults and shaytan can influence him, there are endless cases of anger divorces, mostly actually, which goes against the constant use of the word "honor" in Surah Talaq (ayah 1-2) in the process of divorce.

Is it not then fair to think that a woman should depend on her husband for partnership, emotional care, love and support for their children. Not food and shelter. That is the job of governments and/or her workplace to pay her a livable wage - it all brings me back to believe that asking a woman not to work is like asking a human being to not have access to human rights. It worsens when one realizes how having babies can further widen that gap. All the while the freedom to divorce for any reason remains in tact for the husband for any reason he sees fit.

Yes, there are cases when divorce may be necessary even if the wife fully depends on the husband, but these are matters of the court, not matters to be decided inside 4 walls where no one but the husband and wife can one moment be together and the next they are not. I also find the verbal basis of it all to be psychological abuse, and we don't speak enough about how much this divorcing-taking back cycle emotionally harms the wife and creates resentment in the relationship. Humans say many things in anger they don't mean. Divorce is not a thing you say and it happens, it is a termination of a contract and a whole process, just like the marriage contract.

I am open to being challenged and would love an explanation on this. Thank you. May Allah forgive me if I have said anything wrong. My only intention is to understand how we practice Islam vs how it should actually be practiced.

Hello girls, I have been a khimar girl for a while now but I develop sensory issues with everything. I also used to wear the niqab but the headaches, something touching my face, elastic - all of that would make me so uncomfortable.

Khimar has also proven to get in the way of an active lifestyle, and also in my opinion it can make me look very grandma in the workplace. I am short too and it's just not a good fit for me. The reason I started a chest length khimar is because it wasnt much of a sensory overload, less fabric touching my neck, air can flow in and out, nothing wrapped around my neck etc.

I know our community has differing opinion on hijab styles and lengths.

For me however, it is purely a sensory issue with the fabric around my head itself. For this reason I also keep my hair short. Long hair annoys me immensely - I have heavy hair alhamdulillah and my hair up in a bun is a huge strain on my neck. When I had long hair, I would put it in a bun, put on my undercap, and wrap a jersey hijab and trust me I could not wait to get home to take it all off. The sensory overload is the main culprit.

Things that make certain hijab styles hard for me:

• multiple layers of fabric wrapped around my neck (yes even jersey)
• under cap pulling at my hair (it gets very hot because like I said I have dense and heavy hair)
• no air flow/not breathable fabric
• long hijab ends that wrap on my shoulders and arms (I dont like that I cant move much without the strands slipping)
• long hijab ends that fall down when I bend down
• anything that is long from the back and I may accidentally sit on
• anything the wind can undo like a simply wrapped chiffon

I have had sensory issues for a while. As a kid I remember I would refuse to wear certain dresses my mom would get for me because the fabric was wrong or it was too hot for me. But she would force me. I have pictures being all miserable on wedding events because I couldnt stand my fancy outfits. She would also grow my hair out extremely long. As a small child just the weight of my hair would make me miserable. She would also braid my hair very tight, claiming its good for my hair health. It made me develop these issues that as an adult, I like one-tone feelings and short hair. I dont like the feeling of anything on me. I choose breathable, cool, single fabric type of clothing.

I have an active lifestyle and I work in animal rescue now. I have to drive a lot for work, I have to climb, carry, heave, stay outdoors in a hot climate. The long chest cover of the khimar the other day got in the way of my task and I was done with it, it is so hard to keep wrapping something just to go by your day. I really want something secure.

Hijab is our identity as muslim women and I dont want to take it off, I never would. But I also dont want it to occupy so much of my mind. This is what I thought so far:

• square scarf that I can tie quickly
• faux collars to cover my neck

I dont know if others go through this. I wish it was easier. I would love some advice and suggestions.

Also I know brothers reading this would be like - oh just stay home blah blah - no thanks because women make up the huge majority of people working in social work, animal welfare, and caregiving for kids, seniors, and folks with disabilities. Honestly, whenever vulnerable people or animals need support, it’s usually women stepping up to provide it. And may Allah allow us to continue helping those in need.

Thanks girls.

I'm the middle of 3 daughters and a son to my parents. I am the only one married, although its coming to an end as I currently moved back in with my parents after a separation.

My husband cheated our whole 1 year marriage, and he has traits that are impossible to bear. My parents have not questioned my decision to leave and have in fact supported me through it. Their mind completely changed once my husband gave a talaq to scare me, and then took me back apologizing. While I kept most his abuse hidden, I cannot hide public abuse, especially since that talaq was given over text while I was visiting my parents. This is a long time coming anyway, as being constantly cheated on and backstabbed in the first year of marriage screams get out. Dealing with the hurt and trauma is on one side. I wont even get into that.

Despite the fact that I have been a stay at home and quit my job for marriage, a setup that is common in my family, my own father never allowed my mother to work, my parents quickly expect me to get back on my feet without any support.

I have an older sister that has been unemployed for 3 years. She is almost 30. She has all the access to my dads cards and money. I have a brother who is working abroad and gets loads of money from my dad to build his savings account. Both of them are returning to school too and my dad is covering their hefty school bills. Alhamdulilah he is well off.

But me? I am insulted for just being there every day, although I am actively trying to get a job and even working part time. Even when I got an offer my dad made me reject it, claiming that he expects me to make higher figures. My dad is quite successful at work yet refuses to help me get a referral or rec to help me get my foot in the door and land a job. He says it is considered embarrassing to get ones daughter a job, but a son is fine, which he did for my brother.

Before I got married, it was the other way around. He would push me to marry and was incredibly impatient and I feel that I rushed my decision because of his pressure. I havent lived with him since I was 18, I am 26 now. I was abroad for school and work. I was never entitled, I worked hard and paid my rent while in college. I worked in higher ed technology and was promoted after a few months and was set to make big money but my dad told me to turn it down because my wedding was in 2 weeks and I had to relocate.

My husband the cheater and liar, hes an awful man truly. He even owes me money but I never want to see his face again. He deosnt send me a penny even though I am legally his wife and my monthly nafaqah was also stated as a requirement before nikkah. I dont expect much from a cheater who anger divorced his wife anyway. He is a narc and since he is a convert, his religious standing is extremely bad. He is just really good at roleplaying as a muslim, which fooled us and we took him into the family. My parents hate the fact that I stayed a day after I was cheated on. And I stayed for months thinking he will change, and I didnt want to return to my parents home.

Even while I am back home with them, I dont want to burden my parents and I use money from my savings to contribute to gas, grocery etc and my savings are depleting. My dad even refuses to give me a few bucks for a cert that I desperately need to improve my chances at getting hired. While he pours thousands on my other siblings.

He believes a father doesnt have to spend on the married daughter. When I asked him if he expects me to return to my abusive husband he said no, but rather he expects me to work, and doesnt understand whats taking so long. It's only been 3 months, 2 of which were my iddah. I am just coming off of being a housewife, it will certainly take time and I certainly need support to get back on my feet.

He says he doesnt need to help me because no one helped him when he was young. Which is false, his father, although he was poor, helped him get his first job. Ironically he doesnt apply this law to my other siblings. My brother literally has enough to have multiple hobbies, travel and treat his fiance, even tho he himself has a part time job, and my dad believes this is his need as a man and fathers should always support sons.

I feel cornered and alone with absolutely no one to support me in this tough transition. I always had the goal to support my parents in old age and keep them with me. As a married woman, I spent on my parents and siblings, gave them gifts, took them for trips. Even though I had to manage that out of my savings and nafaqah but I wanted to keep good ties with them.

I fear that my parents are going to be older and I wont have the heart in me to take care of them or spend on them after what they are doing to me now.

Many young muslims struggle with abusive and narcissistic muslim parents, something encouraged by toxic cultural notions. Asking for basic respect turns into a lecture on obedience to the parents and the rights of the mother and father. Many kids cant have a moment of peace without insults being hurled at them.

Its true that parents have a degree of authority and demand for respect in Islam while they are alive. But what use is that when your behavior with your child doesnt bring out a sincere dua for you when they are in sujood?

What is it that earns a muslim reward even after his soul has been taken away? Sadaqah Jariyah in the form of offspring who makes sincere dua for them.

When I come across disrespectful parents, I always wonder - do they not want their son or daughter to make dua for them after they die? Why not just bite your tongue, hold off on the insult or the slap, change yourself and earn your child's duas? Or do they feel entitled to that too? No, that is purely optional. Duas come from the heart. A heart those parents hardened.

What a shame that many parents lose out on this reward, this outlet for forgiveness and a break from punishment in the grave. A son or daughter you leave behind doing good acts in your name, performing umrah and hajj in your name, paying off debts in your name, giving charity in your name. They trade all this reward for a child that is glad they are gone, and only has resentment in their hearts for the years of abuse.

No child is born wanting to hate and resent the first people Allah introduced to them. Their first safe space, their first protectors.

Muslim parents are ruining their akhirah but their ego can't seem to stop them from constantly talking about their rights and their superiority. It is just yet another way shaytan wants ego to destroy us. It is genuinely one of my biggest fears to turn my children's hearts away from me. When truth is I need them. I will need them, their support and their sincere duas when I'm 6 ft under.

I pray that as a parent, I deal with my children with so much humility and love that after I pass, duas for my forgiveness come from the bottom of their hearts.

Unfortunately, not many muslim parents are being prayed for. It terrifies me.