u/Fun_Leopard_9363

Hi, apologies because this is long

I was maybe SA’ed, I don’t know in school. I was also CSA’ed at home by my father and his friends repeatedly as a child for years. I keep having nightmares about it to this day even though I’m in therapy.

This is really stupid but I played the game Mouthwashing (had no idea what it was about) and never in my life have I been so triggered by something in my life. Mostly because I tried talking to people about what was going on in school and my best friend remained friends with the guy.

I tried telling my therapist about this and TLDR she thinks getting triggered by fictional media is something I can control and that I’m avoiding talking about the real issue, being my father SA’ing me and selling me to his friends.

Some context.

Me and the person were friends. I was an 18 year old and they were older. I got drunk at a party. They kept trying to bring me into their room. I ignored it for a bit and they said come let’s go to my room I want to show you something. When I got in they locked the door and asked me to perform oral sex, I was so drunk I was scared I was going to vomit so I said no, and he kept trying to talk me into it and I said no, I’m going to throw up on you if I do I feel sick. When we were walking out he grabbed me and took my clothes off and touched me. We kissed. I had my eyes closed for much of it because I was scared and he made me open them. He commented on how aroused I was down there. I kind of awkwardly hugged him because I liked him.

When I went home I was stumbling drunk but just thought it was a makeout session. I found my clothes the next day had a rip in them. He texted me to not talk to anyone about it and never tell anyone or else.

I thought it was normal but suddenly he went from being nice to extremely cold. My heart shattered. I thought I liked him.

I became very hypersexual afterwards, even towards them. I didn’t process it as SA at first, I thought it was normal because I liked him. I didn’t know how to cope and fell into alcohol. Suddenly, the traumatic memories of my childhood I once dealt with came back. I finally broke down to my one (different from the one I mentioned, current) best friend at the time, and he told me it wasn’t ok and was assault.

I still blamed myself. I didn’t say no. I just wanted him to be nice to me.

So I drank some more. Became a pretty bad person. Stuff I’m not proud of and was emotionally draining to all. At this point I kept getting nightmares every night and figured that I was put on this earth to be objectified.

I would sexualize myself. I would drink at parties and dress slutty and put myself in more harmful situations with them because I thought if I “offered” myself up by getting drunk or acting slutty I would get him to be normal and nice to me like they were before instead of constantly making sexual comments and being cold.

This happened a few times. I told my former best friend. Suddenly, one night, he was nice to me again. I was cuddling with him and he grabbed my hair and told me he knew I said something and that one time he said if I gave him oral or serviced him he’d leave me alone. But he looked at me in the eyes and said “shut up I want to take advantage of you.”

Still, I did it. I even fully offered myself up during it because I told him I’d be willing to do anything.

It continued. I would pathetically kneel before him. One night, he kept making sexual comments in front of everyone. it broke me and I thought about ending my life.

I’ve healed a lot. I’m really happy now. I’ve healed from my dad and what his friends did to me, because honestly for some reason I can process that better. But I always wonder if I really am broken and men can just tell, if he did.

I feel like I am just an object and that’s my romantic worth.

But this? This is different. I still don’t know what happened. If it even was SA. I feel guilty for calling it that. I feel like I really did ask for it. But I’ll never forget his eyes. And how cold they looked and how much he looked at me like I was a ribeye. It still haunts me.

The only issue is, my therapist refuses to let me talk about it and only keeps asking/making me talk about my CSA even though I’m uncomfortable and that I told her I’ve healed a lot more from that through my court case. She said I need to before I “get to this” but it’s been over a year and she said the reason is that I give off weakness or sexual submissiveness that men can take advantage of.

I feel like this wasn’t SA and it was my fault. My therapist says that it was SA, but instead of getting me to focus on this event I keep replaying and comforting keeps trying to get me to talk about my dad and says that I am giving off the energy of someone who hasn’t healed and therefore it makes me an easy target. I feel like it’s my fault.

Hi, apologies because this is long

I was maybe SA’ed, I don’t know in school. I was also CSA’ed at home by my father and his friends repeatedly as a child for years. I keep having nightmares about it to this day even though I’m in therapy.

This is really stupid but I played the game Mouthwashing (had no idea what it was about) and never in my life have I been so triggered by something in my life. Mostly because I tried talking to people about what was going on in school and my best friend remained friends with the guy.

I tried telling my therapist about this and TLDR she thinks getting triggered by fictional media is something I can control and that I’m avoiding talking about the real issue, being my father SA’ing me and selling me to his friends.

Some context.

Me and the person were friends. I was an 18 year old and they were older. I got drunk at a party. They kept trying to bring me into their room. I ignored it for a bit and they said come let’s go to my room I want to show you something. When I got in they locked the door and asked me to perform oral sex, I was so drunk I was scared I was going to vomit so I said no, and he kept trying to talk me into it and I said no, I’m going to throw up on you if I do I feel sick. When we were walking out he grabbed me and took my clothes off and touched me. We kissed. I had my eyes closed for much of it because I was scared and he made me open them. He commented on how aroused I was down there. I kind of awkwardly hugged him because I liked him.

When I went home I was stumbling drunk but just thought it was a makeout session. I found my clothes the next day had a rip in them. He texted me to not talk to anyone about it and never tell anyone or else.

I thought it was normal but suddenly he went from being nice to extremely cold. My heart shattered. I thought I liked him.

I became very hypersexual afterwards, even towards them. I didn’t process it as SA at first, I thought it was normal because I liked him. I didn’t know how to cope and fell into alcohol. Suddenly, the traumatic memories of my childhood I once dealt with came back. I finally broke down to my one (different from the one I mentioned, current) best friend at the time, and he told me it wasn’t ok and was assault.

I still blamed myself. I didn’t say no. I just wanted him to be nice to me.

So I drank some more. Became a pretty bad person. Stuff I’m not proud of and was emotionally draining to all. At this point I kept getting nightmares every night and figured that I was put on this earth to be objectified.

I would sexualize myself. I would drink at parties and dress slutty and put myself in more harmful situations with them because I thought if I “offered” myself up by getting drunk or acting slutty I would get him to be normal and nice to me like they were before instead of constantly making sexual comments and being cold.

This happened a few times. I told my former best friend. Suddenly, one night, he was nice to me again. I was cuddling with him and he grabbed my hair and told me he knew I said something and that one time he said if I gave him oral or serviced him he’d leave me alone. But he looked at me in the eyes and said “shut up I want to take advantage of you.”

Still, I did it. I even fully offered myself up during it because I told him I’d be willing to do anything.

It continued. I would pathetically kneel before him. One night, he kept making sexual comments in front of everyone. it broke me and I thought about ending my life.

I’ve healed a lot. I’m really happy now. I’ve healed from my dad and what his friends did to me, because honestly for some reason I can process that better. But I always wonder if I really am broken and men can just tell, if he did.

I feel like I am just an object and that’s my romantic worth.

But this? This is different. I still don’t know what happened. If it even was SA. I feel guilty for calling it that. I feel like I really did ask for it. But I’ll never forget his eyes. And how cold they looked and how much he looked at me like I was a ribeye. It still haunts me.

The only issue is, my therapist refuses to let me talk about it and only keeps asking/making me talk about my CSA even though I’m uncomfortable and that I told her I’ve healed a lot more from that through my court case. She said I need to before I “get to this” but it’s been over a year and she said the reason is that I give off weakness or sexual submissiveness that men can take advantage of.

I feel like this wasn’t SA and it was my fault. My therapist says that it was SA, but instead of getting me to focus on this event I keep replaying and comforting keeps trying to get me to talk about my dad and says that I am giving off the energy of someone who hasn’t healed and therefore it makes me an easy target. I feel like it’s my fault.

Hi,

I was maybe SA’ed, I don’t know in school. I was CSA’ed at home by my father and his friends repeatedly as a child. I keep having nightmares about it to this day even though I’m in therapy.

This is really stupid but I played the game Mouthwashing (had no idea what it was about) and never in my life have I been so triggered by something in my life. Mostly because I tried talking to people about what was going on in school and my best friend remained friends with the guy.

Me and the person were friends. I was an 18 year old and they were older. I got drunk at a party. They kept trying to bring me into their room. I ignored it for a bit and they said come let’s go to my room I want to show you something. When I got in they locked the door and asked me to perform oral sex, I was so drunk I was scared I was going to vomit so I said no, and he kept trying to talk me into it and I said no, I’m going to throw up on you if I do I feel sick. When we were walking out he grabbed me and took my clothes off and touched me. We kissed. I had my eyes closed for much of it because I was scared and he made me open them. He commented on how aroused I was down there. I kind of awkwardly hugged him because I liked him.

When I went home I was stumbling drunk but just thought it was a makeout session. I found my clothes the next day had a rip in them. He texted me to not talk to anyone about it and never tell anyone or else.

I thought it was normal but suddenly he went from being nice to extremely cold. My heart shattered. I thought I liked him.

I became very hypersexual afterwards, even towards them. I didn’t process it as SA at first, I thought it was normal because I liked him. I didn’t know how to cope and fell into alcohol. Suddenly, the traumatic memories of my childhood I once dealt with came back. I finally broke down to my one (different from the one I mentioned, current) best friend at the time, and he told me it wasn’t ok and was assault.

I still blamed myself. I didn’t say no. I just wanted him to be nice to me.

So I drank some more. Became a pretty bad person. Stuff I’m not proud of and was emotionally draining to all. At this point I kept getting nightmares every night and figured that I was put on this earth to be objectified.

I would sexualize myself. I would drink at parties and dress slutty and put myself in more harmful situations with them because I thought if I “offered” myself up by getting drunk or acting slutty I would get him to be normal and nice to me like they were before instead of constantly making sexual comments and being cold.

This happened a few times. I told my former best friend. Suddenly, one night, he was nice to me again. I was cuddling with him and he grabbed my hair and told me he knew I said something and that one time he said if I gave him oral or serviced him he’d leave me alone. But he looked at me in the eyes and said “shut up I want to take advantage of you.”

Still, I did it. I even fully offered myself up during it because I told him I’d be willing to do anything.

It continued. I would pathetically kneel before him. One night, he kept making sexual comments in front of everyone. it broke me and I thought about ending my life.

I’ve healed a lot. I’m really happy now. I’ve healed from my dad and what his friends did to me, because honestly for some reason I can process that better.

But this? This is different. I still don’t know what happened. If it even was SA. I feel guilty for calling it that. I feel like I really did ask for it. But I’ll never forget his eyes. And how cold they looked and how much he looked at me like I was a ribeye. It still haunts me.

I feel like this wasn’t SA and it was my fault. My therapist said it was and years later I don’t know what to do to heal. I became a very bad emotional and irrational person and I wished I acted differently and took better care of myself and treated others better instead of emotionally draining them.

I can’t tell if I like this product or not, I feel like my skin barrier is kind of destroyed on it and I am breaking out like crazy know it’s supposed to do the opposite.

Thoughts and experiences?