u/Fuzzy-Gap-4875

Even before my sister past away a week ago tommrow I realize that she had things to live for. She had children, a husband, my parents, our siblings, and her hobbies. My sister was not perfect but she had people in her life and I personally feel empty.

I wish I was the one who died. I don't have much to live for. My husband left me to move across state. I only saw him a couple of days when my sister died and then left again. He is not even coming to the funeral. I am all alone. I feel like this marriage is dead.

I don't have children but I wanted them and my husband didn't really try at all. I am able to have children now because I lost some weight but now my husband has the infertility problems. But even with that he still does not try with me at all. We are childless.

My parents love me but after my sister past away I realize that they are taking it better than me. I have a feeling that if I died tommrow it would matter has much to them because I would "be in a better place" like my sister.

I don't have friends. My best friend does not reach out and it takes a long time for her to respond at all. Friends from my past are too caught up in there lives to care.

My other siblings are crazy and the sibling closest to me is the craziest and is a narcissist. I try to stay away from him.

The only thing keeping me alive is my dog. I might have to get rid of her but I can't imagine not having her.

I am completely alone and there is no reasons for me to live. I hate my job and my hobbies don't matter to me. I just feel numb.

I know I probabaly need meds again but that really make a difference. Because I wish I was dead. I am probabaly not going to do anything to myself. But I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I have to be honest I enjoyed Katseyes SIS era and I did like Gnarly after a couple listens but the new song Pinky Up is just bad music. The vocals and the lyrics are just bad. I am not happy with the musical direction of Katseye.

I wonder if they will do the same with Saint Satine. PB4P is kinda in the same direction as Gnarly and Pinky up. They try to make it have cool vibe but just comes off as hyper pop fluff. But the problem is nobody sang well or stood out to me during PB4P performance. I think it was because it was not a good performance overall. Now the demo of the song was good but I think if they sang it in a more R&B direction instead of a pop sound the song the performance may have sounded better.

I am wondering if they are just going to make the same slop as Katseye and have no good lyrics and songs that are mostly talking than singing. It is unfortunate that they picked someone who lacked skills in singing because I think that would have benefited them if they were going into an R&B direction. But I am sad if they are going into this ultra pop direction because it would be cool to have a girl group with R&B.

I don't know how to cope or to think anymore. This year has been extremely hard on me but yesterday I think I just became numb.

My sister dealt with health issues for a long time, and she past away at the young age of 42. I cannot believe she is gone. She had a baby a couple years ago and her grown children still need her. She also took care of her two neices who saw her as their mother. Also my niece was going to graduate in a week.

I am devastated. I wish my sister and I had a closer relationship but looking back she always took care of me. She was the oldest sibling, and I was the youngest. Between us are my three brothers. Even when she was an adult and I was a child, I still felt she loved me. Before she had her first child, I bonded with my sister and I cried when my nephew was born. Everything changed and she was not only a sister anymore but a mom.

I wish I could tell my sister how much she means to me. The last time I saw her I said I love you and she gave me a gift before I said goodbye. I didn't expect that to my last interaction with her. I am glad it was a positive one. My sister always looked out for me.

It is only the second day of her being gone. I feel empty and life is not ever going to be the same again. I know she is probably is feeling so much better she dealt with so many mental and physical struggles while alive.

I don't know why I said I was going to say something at her funeral. The past day all i did was cry and this morning all I did was cry and listen to sad music.

It's weird feeling both numb and sad. This grief is different from when my grandmother past away. When she died, I did not have any other grandparents still alive. I grieved my grandmother and the loss of connections with extended family that never talked to me again after her funeral.

But when it comes to my oldest sister, I am experiencing the most grief I have ever experienced in my life.

32F

Recently, I hit a new low of 55 pounds weight loss. I am grateful I got to this point, but I still feel weird in my skin.

It was just recently that I bought some clothes that fit me. I dont know how to feel because I have been wearing baggy clothes for a while, but I had enough of the loose fitting clothes. Like TMI but my pants were getting into places they shouldn't go.

It's like I feel weird in loose fitting clothes and I feel weird in clothes that fit me. I look in the mirror and don't really see changes day to day. I do take weekly photos and measure myself. But it's like my body does not comprehend the changes most of the time.

I don't know if I will feel normal in my body. I was so used to being bigger and most of the time my clothes fit me. I had the same clothes for most of my adult life and sure I bought some pieces here and there. But my wardrobe never really changed, honestly.

So there is definitely a shock that I might have to buy more new clothes. I still have 90+ pounds to be at a healthier weight for my height. I am loathing going to the store. I hate trying on new clothes, even in this new smaller body.

It's so weird seeing my new body shape, and I honestly don't know how to dress myself. I want to actually have a wardrobe that makes me feel confident, and I want to look cute but because I am going to continually lose weight, I feel like it is going to be a while for me to feel like that.

I honestly don't know if I will feel normal in my own skin. It's quite an experience being a bigger person most of my life and now having to cope with changes I didn't expect from weight loss.

I don't know how to describe it anymore. Just been feeling numb and empty. When another bad thing happens, I don't feel much anymore. I was thinking of taking meds again just so I dont feel anything at all. It's been rough feeling anything when I do. It overall feels too much. I had thoughts again last night, but I know I am a coward to do anything. It just feels like a no way out these days. I think the thing that pushed me over the edge is that I am living completely alone now(besides my dog). I have had people be quite pushy for me to go back to church. I don't think it is really going to help me. If anything, I feel like I might have a literal breakdown if I go to church. Each day gets worse, not better. Each day I find myself dying a little more inside. I dont know if I will get back to me.