u/Garden_Goth_

To be clear I'm not trying to disprove it or argue against it. My brain is doing a thing about a point I always get stuck on, which is that I actively sought out sex with adults when I was a kid and then teenager. Nothing had happened to me prior to cause this that I know of. The reasons were unrelated to sex or the adults involved. I can sort of intuitively understand why it's still assault, but only like. Out of the corner of my eye. When I try and look at it directly or put it into words I just. Can't. My brain blue screens. Which makes the sense of "what if I'm just making up there being a problem where there wasn't one" even louder, and being unable to come up with a coherent argument against that makes it worse, and then I just get stuck and decide not to think about it for a while because I feel insane.

So if anyone has their own explanation or links to one or idk something. Even an entire book, though I actually haven't been able to read some related ones I've already found because the topic becomes immediately overwhelming to the point of blue screen brain again. So like. I know I could google this or find something myself but this question is largely the result of overwhelm related to the question. Can someone explain it like I'm stupid.

Support needed but advice is welcome.

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I've been living as a man for about eight years. I always vaguely knew I was non-binary but something didn't feel right and I wasn't in a place where I could do that, so I kinda just gave up? When I started transitioning I had a lot of physical dysphoria, and so because being reffered to as a man or a woman both felt bad, I figured at least one would be easier when I'm alone. And, I was right.

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However, I've always been a really feminine person and recently that's been becoming an issue. When I transitioned I was also really depressed and isolated and didn't have anywhere to dress up or people to do things with even if I wanted to, so the sacrifice of being able to present how I like felt like way less of an issue. Now my life is better and I have more opportunities... and it feels worse.

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But trying to work through my feelings on presentation has made me reconsider how I identify. Being a man felt "good enough" but the feeling of kinda sorta knowing I'm probably non-binary in a way I didn't have time to consider has fully realized. Except. It's just upsetting? Like I genuinely feel like I've figured things out. I'm not questioning any of it. I prefer to be physically masc, present femme, and I'm actually not either gender. That's fine in and of itself.

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But I don't work in a field where that's an option. I probably never will. I'm disabled and poor (which also already limit my life a lot, I don't want or need more) and even though I have friends now I don't have family support. Transitioning also made it impossible for me to ever go back home (immigrant) which is a really really significant source of grief that's ongoing even now. So I'm feeling some sort of way about it. I'll never be able to be seen as who I actually am by most people anyway, and being comfortable in my own skin came at the cost of so much, and also at the cost of being taken seriously while presenting how I like, which I didn't realize was as much of an issue as it is, at the time.

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On the other hand I've thought about it a lot and... I have the same issue I started with. I'm very ambivalent about social gender beyond what it's permissible to do. I miss being able to easily befriend women (most of my friends are) and just casually go out without being paranoid. I love fashion and it's a big part of what gives me confidence. At the same time, I genuinely don't want to medically detransition in any way. But I'm basically trying to figure out whether the pros of one outweigh the other. If it were something that's easy to try out I think I'd just do that, but I pass really well as a man so even testing the waters with the social aspect wouldn't work and would be a lot of effort.

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I think part of its also that like. I'm non-binary in the sense of being extremely ambivalent about gender. Not as in having some third gender im excited about or want to articulate or play with or convey. More power to such people I just am not that in any way. So part of what I struggle with even in terms of being perceived as non-binary or someone outside the box is that it inevitably draws attention to my gender, which in and of itself feels dysphoric even if it's technically correct? The answer to how do you identify is genuinely simply... I do not. I don't get it. Never have never will don't wanna. Unfortunately "let me have my deep voice and hairy arms and wear my glitter and dress and leave me tf alone" are contradictory expectations. Sigh.

Cw for descriptions of physical and sexual abuse. I tried to keep it short and to the point and not very descriptive. I just wasn't sure how to explain some things without specifying.

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Mix of does anyone else and just does this make sense because I feel so weird talking about it but I don't know how else to describe it.

I was molested literally one time as a child, by a stranger. I'm not trying to say that didn't mess with me, because it did, but honestly in the grand scheme of things, particularly the amount of physical abuse I went through, it doesn't really feel distinct? I really hope this doesn't come off as saying sexual abuse is lesser or something that's not what I mean at all. I'm also not saying sexual abuse is taken seriously, because it's not, because abuse isn't. But. There is this general expectation that sexual abuse is Different from other types of violations of bodily autonomy, and that assumption specifically makes me ??? I don't know what to call it. It feels wrong and bad and overwhelming. I think it's just because it doesn't match my understanding feelings wise but it's frustrating it's that upsetting when I logically understand the technical differences.

But like. The parts of the experience that stuck with me (particularly because again, it was a stranger, so it actually doesn't have the interpersonal aspect that's more common, and that my physical abuse *did*) were about the sense of helplessness and having my body treated Wrong. And so, especially because the physical abuse continued after I was molested, even though it was different people. Like. It already kindof felt like all the same thing and then I'd think about one while the other was happening and that only cemented it.

I think it doesn't help that the physical abuse sometimes entailed forcing me to eat things or just putting things in my mouth that weren't food, and were sometimes messy and hard to get out. After I was molested I developed way more exaggerated responses to having my clothes grabbed, and so even though nobody was really trying to take them off, and I genuinely don't think any part of the physical abuse was sexual, child me was scared it might be, and I couldn't really tell, and my reactions were made fun of which made the entire thing worse. The person who did all this also (later) became very hyper critical of my appearance, possibly because I got more and more (visibly) obsessed with controlling it. And they'd try to get me to knock it off or prove a point. Which was also the same sort of body oriented violation/wrongness feeling.

I guess what frustrates me is it feels like there has to be a clear answer or I have to be wrong about something. Or not. I just want to be able to describe my experience in a way that doesn't feel wrong no matter what I say. I've had people suggest parts of the physical abuse could be considered sexual which maybe? Not really? It genuinely doesn't match any understanding I have of the person or their behaviour. Maybe if they'd been more weird about my appearance at the time, but they weren't, that was years later, and after they stopped putting their hands on me. So idk. Being told the way all these things exist in my head as the same thing is wrong is something I technically agree with, but it feels invalidating, but I also don't know what I even want because well. I wasn't assaulted multiple times? I just feel like I was? And when I try to have sex I have flashbacks more often to people shoving things into my mouth than I do the stranger who actually literally put their hand in my pants. I don't even actually know what I'm asking. Does anyone else get it? Do you have anything similar?

People asking me regular questions even small talk always feels like an interrogation. *Sometimes* I can figure out a clear reason why, and it's something like being scared of how they'll respond, or scared they won't like me if they knew, or just shame about something, even the vague idea of being seen at all.

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But a lot of the time it's not really any of those? Like I guess I could be wrong but I'm pretty sure. I literally just get angry that people want to know things about me. The feeling is very "how dare you!!!" which is part of why I feel so ridiculous. Especially because half the time the thing someone has asked is a very surface level question, which is clearly intended to be limited to that and go no further. But even beyond that there's another layer of weirdness because. I don't??? Have any beliefs that I know of?? That would cause someone being interested in me to feel like they're being audacious. I don't get angry often but at least when I do I tend to get why. This one is just confusing as hell but it's so intense and consistent I've been trying to figure out what it could possibly, well, be about.

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I have met other people who don't like being seen or experienced but it's usually more the stuff I described first, or it's about fear. Those can also be frustrating but they're not what I'm talking about. It's very specifically the feeling that someone has done something wrong, by paying a very minimal amount of attention to me, and anger that's directed at them, almost like they should be punished? I've never actually done anything because I'm very aware of how unreasonable and disproportionate the feeling is. But still.

Does anyone else have the lack of interest subtype and feel like their brain categorizes eating food the exact same way as any other hard/frustrating/task you just don't want to do. And all the energy for it draws from the same bucket. So that when you're avoiding less things that aren't food, it's sort of easier to eat, not because the stress was causing the lack of interest, just because you have more energy to just force yourself to do it? But then, inevitably, I have to force myself to do something important, or just literally anything else I don't want to do (which is unfortunately a constant with being an adult) and then I'm kinda just fucked for the week. Like yeah sorry I'm going to be passing out regularly, I had to write an email (scary) so now there's no more juice left to face dinner.

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I genuinely feel like treatment is kinda hopeless unless I can find a way to just idk. Manifest more energy. But people who know me tend to misinterpret the sudden fluctuations as a mood thing? Or like. Maybe as actually being about food. I don't know how to explain that that's really not what's going on. If food was my only annoying repetitive boring responsibility, or one of few, I think I'd be. Well not fine exactly but much better than I am. Alas "wait for the world to change" isn't really a viable plan.

This *is* just a vent but I'm also open to suggestions tbh. I just don't have a specific question. Also please only suggest something if you've actually felt this way. I've met people even ones with cptsd who seem to have other stress responses which is good and fine, but I'm going to scream if another person tells me to just stop when to them that feels like the genuinely more reasonable option. Good for you but we're not the same.

I've been trying to work on saying no to anything ever, or honestly in more cases, saying no or risking upsetting someone and actually sticking to it. I can often technically refuse, especially if a request is relatively minor or inconsequential, but I often back track or immediately offer something (that's disproportionate and also usually something I can't actually do easily or don't want to do) as a sort of ? Pacification gift? Even if the person didn't ask for that and actually just accepted my no and I knew they would. It's mostly internal, and I'm aware of this, I just can't stand it. It feels disgusting as well as terrifying, and no the feeling does not magically dissipate or lessen. I thought the idea of riding a wave is that waves have an end point. Half a fucking decade is not a "wave".

I'm mostly just confused by what's supposed to be happening exactly, or why anyone would do this. I start refusing to try and make everyone happy all the time, I stop trying to preemptively anticipate people's desires before they ask, I stop or at least lessen or try to be more selective about doing all this stuff which is also some of the only things I've gotten positive feedback about. And in exchange! I get to feel guilty and scared 24/7 to the point where I can't eat or sleep?? Lucky me?? I wake up tense and curled into a ball and can't go back to sleep because I can't stop thinking about what I did. I've like. Thought myself awake? Because I'll start frantically apologizing or explaining myself in a dream and eventually wake up doing it. Then of course the sleep disturbances make me feel soooo much better.

And I've heard in theory that this is supposed to lessen over time but. How fucking long? It doesn't feel like it can be worth it. Even in situations where it's less ambiguous, or I start off convinced something is important enough to be worth it. I stood my ground about something load bearing and felt so bad I was physically ill for *three years*. I had to do breathing techniques and try to self soothe almost constantly, but they didn't really work. I developed a tremor, I had trouble paying attention because I was so freaked out, chores and hobbies and friendships got deprioritized all to make room for maintaining this stupid refusal. And the only reason I even did that is because at least in that case the refusal was actually really really really important to me and took at least a year of things getting worse, to work up to. And I couldn't even feel good about that! It was exhausting, it felt terrible the entire time and for years afterwards, and honestly even though I think it was objectively the best decision on a technical level, I'd be fucking lying if I said I'd do it again. Hell no. It wasn't worth it. And even if in retrospect, five years down the line, I can convince myself (barely) that it's for the best, I cannot say I'd be willing to do it again if time travel was a thing. Oh my god.

And that's just an example where at least I can acknowledge that I was actually in danger if I kept agreeing! How am I supposed to feel like all the full body pushback is worth it over stuff that's barely consequential to begin with? Refuse to do a favor for someone just because I don't feel like it, and in exchange, instead of giving up a couple hours of my weekend to do this task, I give up my entire weekend to crying on the floor. Of course! Lovely!!!

And people try to be helpful by pointing out the negative consequences of fawning but the thing is I know! I know! I know there's some things that's why I'm trying to stop to begin with! But honestly it's a trade off and I don't understand what's supposed to be so obvious about why it's the better choice. I don't even care about my own opinions or preferences or feelings all that much. Why on earth would I prioritize them on some arbitrary basis. I've been called a doormat and I don't even disagree I just don't know if I care. At least doormats that do their job get to be around people sometimes. And when they're not around people they get to chill a little bit. Now I don't even have that.