u/GayAssBeagle

So my past finally caught up to me and an old past fling finally came back up randomly like I feared. I didn’t even know he still had my social stuff. I was actually going through all my socials and beginning to delete them because I just didn’t need that many social medias. And then I saw a message from him yesterday and he talked about how much he missed “us”

I’ll give us a slight bit of context because I’m still dissing who I was as person. I didn’t even argue that that was the most immature version of me. I was going through a lot of things and especially with my sexuality because I just could not accept a lot of things despite being queer at that point, but he said something that really made me stumped because I couldn’t give him an honest answer.

“What was I to you?” I don’t know why but this phrase just slash me like 1000 knives. for some reason, this was heavy. I legitimately had to leave the chat for a bit and he thought he did something wrong and I made sure to tell him that he didn’t. It was just a lot.

I can’t give him an honest answer or more, so I can’t give him a clear answer because I don’t know so many factors back, then controlled my behavior and I can’t pinpoint which one it was. Back then my hormones were going out of whack, I was on drugs, I had a terrible relationship with food, which was totally impacting my body, I was lonely at that time and kind of in a weird spot. I had just been freshly broken up with like a year prior, so I was still kind felt wrong to everything relationship and romantically wise.. so I didn’t know whether it was a desperation or fear

For the longest time, I didn’t wanna accept the fact that I was queer because I just didn’t wanna accept the fact that that was a part of me. I tried and went to great lengths to avoid coming off that way, and have those thoughts, but the more I pressed the more I was suffering, and I actually did horribly academically because of it.

But when he came into my life, it was weird. It wasn’t like a relief or anything. It was like a pause. Almost like everything was static and loud and hurt, but for some reason that I used to just talk to him every night I just felt calm and I felt like a person, if that makes sense. At the same time I was hating it because how could I be this way?

How can I live a life where I said one thing,I blame myself for everything that happened with us.

From the lack of communication on my part because I was too afraid of the one I was becoming, the little outburst I would have because I was just so uncomfortable with how comfortable I was with all of this, and not really knowing who I was back then, I was just trying to follow a crowd and seemed like I was a normal person. That’s all I ever wanted to be.

But I always felt different than other people, and I hated it. I tried my hardest to fit in, but it never worked, but with him, I didn’t feel like I had to. I could be myself that was rare rare, and I felt horrible for having it because I know that I’m not myself I was putting on a face, but I just couldn’t stop it.

Now I just feel bad, like the conversations already ended and we had a good talk and everything but I just feel horrible. I hate what I was back then I just wanted to know if this was normal for people to feel?

I hope it wasn’t too confusing

Finally came to the acceptance that I peaked at 20 and I feel good.

It was one of the best ages of my life and the last age I truly felt happy before everything started to hurt and feel wrong. I made SO many friends and odd connections that honestly kept me sane during that hellish pandemic. I also got a small taste of internet “fame” (hate calling it that , it was really being viral for a week. I just made some videos on TT and for some reason they got like 200.0K and that was the end of it lol).

I also made some “music” back then and had a blast , it was god awful but when I tell you , I genuinely couldn’t stop laughing and some of the songs I liked …it was realll!

I also got into some relationships that taught me a lot about myself, patience, understanding what relationships are and what they aren’t, getting used to disappointments, etc . I’m so blessed for my Exe’s that I had because I would’ve been like a donkey out in the ocean.

I also wanna thank my friends and ex friends for the same as well. And teaching me that sometimes being alone is a lot better than having friends all the time (a whole RANGE of BS, almost lost my life thrice 😭😭✌️). But I won’t lie when I say I miss the old days with them. Booting up Overwatch and old COD games, talking shit , ordering delivery for each other, and having those late night GTA Online car drives where everyone was just serious and letting out steam. We had each others backs even if it was a fleeting moment . And while some I’ll never speak to ever again , I wish to reiterate: Thank you, thank you so much for being my friends.

I’m glad that it’s over because I could never do it now . Got WAAAAYYY too much shit going on and frankly I don’t have my heart in much right now other than my doodles and passion projects (taking a break to prepare for Uni soon).

Just enjoy your years even if they’re shit. Yeah it’s not the best of times but don’t let it get to you. Find something worth checking out and go from there :)

So if you have a job and you’re not on Tiktok, you probably don’t know about the Tim Hortons lady . Or you probably have heard it, but basically an older lady died because she decided to go into Tim Hortons with a heart condition and try to assault one of the workers and the workers fought back and she ended up having a heart attack and dying from her injuries basically. OVER A COFFEE FOR GOD’S SAKE

Now the whole Internet is in a divide on whether this girl was completely in the wrong or if she was right. Me personally I don’t care how old you are if you’re coming up to me trying to fight me at my restaurant/workplace I’m gonna fight back. But dude, I gotta talk about how far I come with this because it was not easy.

That “respecting your elders” bit is so dangerous because so many elders think they can just say and do the most wildest shit and get away with it because they have age behind their name like dude no if anything you should be a lot more smarter and a lot more w, at the time I took it, and I didn’t really retaliate because they were older and they had more financial stability than me and they were basically taking care of me so all the punches and slaps and pushes onto the floor or something that I thought I truly deserved.

Got so bad and whatever my grandfather used to raise his fist and try to punk me I would initially flinch, even if he didn’t go through with a punch at the time then he started doing that as a way to shut me up and it became so imprisoning. Eventually, I did scan up to him and he was completely surprised. Then he threatened the golden line “ if you don’t like it, then get out of my house” and sometimes I would walk out of his house and then within like a few more minutes later he would call back and demand that I come home.

Not only that he would always say some crazy stuff about normal behavior about me like me laughing too loud when I was watching some TV shows or me singing(dear God, he used to make fun of me singing and telling me to stop so many times). He would also tell me absolutely incorrect information and when I try to tell him, it was incorrect and even showed him on Google he would get upset and want to hit me of course or tell me to shut up.

I think the most ironic moment is when he said to respect your elders, and then directly disrespected an elder that was trying to tell him he was wrong. Like it was so goddamn weird looking at that. But it doesn’t help that my mother basically said that when she was a little girl, he almost didn’t even respect her existence unless she basically bowed down to him. The only reason why I exist is because he pushed her to a breaking point to where she actually ran away from Home and eventually we would have me.

And she told me it was basically the same line “ if you don’t like how it is then leave” and my mom left the next day without warning and had nearly all of her stuff packed. She didn’t take everything but she took enough so that she could survive and get the hell out of there. She said it was the best decision she ever made.

Now comes my time apparently I should’ve been really rebellious and I should’ve almost did the same thing because there were too many moments where I should’ve just left, but I didn’t want to because I didn’t want to be “ disrespectful”. This mentality would carry me all the way to now.

In the past, I would allow it, and I would just take the punches and go on about my day but now I just can’t take disrespecting anymore and I don’t know what caused it. I’ve been finding myself getting more heated arguments with them and they’re starting to notice that I’m not backing down and I’m not really flushing from that punk crap they keep doing.

Now they’re starting to say disrespectful. I’m not following directions, but literally all I’m asking them to do is not argue with me when I just got home from work or just not yelled at me when I literally am doing something that they told me to do. My grandmother literally yelled at me about sweeping the front porch while I was sweeping the front porch. Like what?

I do feel bad for younger me, because of this behavior I allowed a lot of other old people that just being nasty to me and I just took it. This caused me to be called sweet and easy when in reality I was afraid because I don’t know how you even approach this.

All I’m saying is don’t let old people talk to you any type of way and for the love of God don’t let them put their hands on you. That’s just crazy.

Now I am going to study and to learn, make connections and the whole nine yards but my central reasoning is to GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE

I moved here with the fam in 2012 and lemme tell you I HATE IT HERE. Everyday felt the same and it always had that odd creepiness to it. Like it felt lifeless but somehow felt like something was there. Not to mention I’ve turned into one of those people who check the blinds every 10-17 minutes because the most action my cul de sac got was some wacky nut that got violent and was in our area (he was literally just at the gate), everyone jumped to see.

Now it’s just a habit .

The Paranoia is KILLING ME. I don’t know when I developed it but it’s more evident than ever . I’m so scared, confused and cautious that I’ve legit stared at people when they tried to speak to me on some prime Gen Z shit. Not to mention my family being OBSESSED with the news and their need to be “updated “ while the entire time they tried to fear-monger me from going across the street to get a drink, saying shit like “someone might kidnap you , rape you and cut your body up . putting you in a bag!” (i’m not even joking by the way ,the amount of times that I’ve heard variations of this phrase after I’ve asked to go somewhere that was relatively close by is in the millions) or “you’ll get shot” when I have legitimately ZERO reason to be. It got to me. My key moment is when I asked to see a movie , the only nearby theater was a good 30-40 mins away(hour tops if traffic is bad) and my family EXPLODED. They went off about how going into the city wasn’t safe, how I’ll get raped(yes yet again), robbed , taken somewhere by the city folks, killed by my uber driver and some other shit.

You wanna know what happened ? Had a great time, uber driver even paid for my meal and we had some lunch in his car, got some cool free movie merch, talked to some nice folks in the city and had a great time .

When I got back it was crickets.

But I just couldn’t live like this either. Everywhere you go from my little hell hole, there’s just jobs- no real city elements just straight up work . It’s either fast food, car washes, another small Burger King WE DONT NEED WE HAVE SO MANY, and just more work, and mostly costly apartments . All the fun stuff is in the city and again 30-40 mins drive on a good day, hour on a shit day. There’s barely much to do and most kids just end up going into the city so there’s barely any kids here or even people MY AGE. Folks my age are either in the city (met SOO MANY MY AGE IT WAS SO REFRESHING) and or work.

And for the love of GOD everyone in here is DEPRESSED AS HELL. It’s like they have this soul sucking demon in them. Every interaction is either a complaint or how scary the city folks are like dude. And they will talk their ASS BAD about city folks but every time I do have to go I kinda stay a bit because IT FEELS ALIVE. This place doesn’t . I even see it in my folks. They went from being somewhat normal , loving people then they became paranoid, controlling and depressed . They seriously believe in the fear and in the thought that this is the only safe place.

I can’t wait to be in a city, experience life, talk to other people my age and just exist and want to live because right now I kinda don’t want to. It SUCKS being here I can’t even explain it so well but I HATE IT HEREE

I’m gonna take on the most difficult task ever . So I’m getting a bit bored and a bit exhausted of my current project and decided to start a new one shot to destress …. However, I will take on the task of…

MAKING A FEMALE CHARACTER THAT CAN NEVER BE SEXUALIZED!!

Not a robot(no pun intended, fuck that dude btw), not any kind of alien , no old god creature , “other race”, NOT AN OLD LADY EITHER!!

Just a normal human female .

I don’t care how long it takes . I alone will create :

The First Human Female Character Who Can’t Be Sexualized.

I will make history like never seen before!, this isn’t a shitpost I’m being 100% serious.

I’m gonna study this hard and try multiple approaches but I feel like I genuinely got this!

Mark my words!!

I was flying my Ikran with a friend and we saw some RDA ships flying across the sky so we followed them low in the trees. We were gonna strike but then out of nowhere my friend gets shot down. I can’t see anything at this point so I stop and go down to save my friend . Missed him by an inch and he ended up eating hard shit. He was alright but then another shot fired off close to us , his ikran was hit bad so I offered to let him on mine but he refused and tried to get back to his and well another shot went off and he got hit for sure this time.

All I remember is an explosion a bit of red and waking up. I probably died too in that moment.

Yeah I was rewatching Way of water again I’m sorry I love it … also playing and game too lol

I just wanna happy vent because I’m going to college in the fall and I’m so pumped still. Like I’m gonna be a first gen college student and I got hella help from the fam and friends so I’m cheesed.

I honestly can’t wait to go to med school! Like so many people warn me it’s gonna be exhausting and expensive but at this point I don’t give a damn I’m going . I’m gonna do my best and try to help folks out to my best ability

I can’t wait for this to change me and to see it happen . I know i won’t notice in the moment but when it comes oh my god im gonna be so excited.

If any college students or med students have stories or advice or just general word , that would be amazing.

I’m like a fat chubby dog that’s so excited to eat a milkbone “YESS YESS YESS GOD YESS YESS”

Anybody in any of them can tell me what they’re like on campus. I’m going to the Armstrong campus and see very little about it . I’m totally down. I’m not going into Savannah, but not.

Not too long ago I finally had the argument with my grandpa , the one I had dreaded for years . I don’t know how to handle this right now but everyone is tense in the house now .

My grandpa has long wanted a musical prodigy in the family , it was his biggest dream for at least ONE of his kids to be talented . The only one that WAS was adopted and he couldn’t accept that so he pushed his other children: his oldest son was (and still is) a talented artist, his second oldest was better at spreadsheets and office stuff, his youngest was close and went into accounting. Then came time for me : his only grandchild, only flesh and blood grandchild. He was HARD on me in middle and high school about band and he never let up , I HATED it .i was a bit like my uncle : I love to write and draw and make stories . Band was nice for connecting and being in groups but it wasnt my thing .

He HATED this and constantly pushed me and got angry at me about it. I tried to offer alternatives and maybe some workarounds but all that ended in a screaming match that left me in tears as he basically disowned me.

This isn’t uncommon apparently as my mom said she went through the same thing when she spoke out the same . Now I feel guilty about yet another argument.

A few days ago I came home from work , exhausted from a 10 hour shift with only two other people at a fast food job. We ran out of so much and I was just so tired . Here comes my grandpa wanting to talk to me. I can’t even focus at this point, I’m just trying to get a shower going on . But he’s on my case about the job , about my college plan - he actually hates it and thinks it’s an excuse for something “bigger I was hiding “ (idk what the fuck that means ) ,he kept going on about how this is the problem with people my age and how we get tired too easily and how lazy we were . I was at first not gonna entertain this foolishness but then he came after my mom (his own daughter)

My mother has her illness an has been trying to find work , she’s lost it due to discrimination at every job. They cannot accommodate and choose to fire as it’s a right to work state and shit . She’s been trying to find work this year and so far nothing , it’s not easy as it was for him and he can’t see that. He can’t see that she’s been crying every night , trying to figure out what’s she’s doing wrong. It’s not her fault , but he made it seem so.

He told me I was stupid for not quitting on the spot and looking for something else like I had planned. My mom stopped me and we agreed on getting a set amount and some extra before quitting . This dude went mad and talked his shit and I snapped . I feel so filthy , I have been tiring myself trying to maintain a good relationship with this man but when he did this and said I haven’t worked a real job it got to me.

I’ve tried to find real work but it’s been hard , this current job is the only one that called back . It’s not luxury but I didn’t care , I just needed money to pay off my bills and debts . But he wanted me to quit on the spot like some madman. Then he got on me about my generation like dudeeee don’t start this shit.

Simply he calls all the older Gen Z “lazy whiny bitches” which set me off man. Like he seriously believes that because I’m struggling and my cosuin got fired from her job (BECAUSE OF AI) that we are lazy… DUDE IM FUCKING EXHAUSTED HALF THE TIME , LIKE I BARELY GET SLEEP BECAUSE WE ARE SHORT STAFFED AND THEY WANT ME TO PICK UP SHIFTS..What the fuck WHAT THE FUCK??

Like I don’t know what to do, I feel so bad now a few days later because I feel like I snapped too hard , but at the same time this is so embarrassing and exhausting to deal with and I don’t know where to go from here .

My god the best part of watching the movies over again is seeing their dark blue skin under their moonlight . It’s so beautiful and I LOVE THE BIOLUMINESCENCE THEY HAVE OH GODD YESS

I would love a good chunk of the movie being at night more and for more Na’vi to have their bodies just dim in the darkness but have that glow . I can’t get enough of it and I’m obsessed with it so bad right now