u/GeileGrueneGurken

I am estranged from my one living parent but am still on touch with my siblings, and I moved far away with no intent on visiting „home“. My brothers and sisters have a general respect for my boundaries on not wanting to reopen contact with out mother, but they get judgmental about it. Something about wanting our family to be together again.

When I lived with them (until I was 20, when I achieved financial independence/moved out on my own and it was so difficult) I had a fantasy of cloning myself, letting the clone have my old life with the „loving“ family, and then escaping and living authentically. I feel like my family wants me to be the „old“ version (undereducated, no friends, no hobbies outside the home) so someone would be at their beck and call. Our household centered „family“ in a cultlike way, which was weird because the family didn’t even like each other.

The lack of privacy was traumatic. Always having to share space and be subject to being perceived. It was infuriating also being subject to obvious bullying and abuse from my parent and one sibling, but nothing was done about it and I was „oversensitive and holding grudges“ (lack of accountability). The people I was around 24/7 with no other choice had no regard for my wellbeing.

I’ve often talked about, in therapy, why I didn’t ever like being in a „big“ family (second of five and we are born all within 9 years of each other and have similar first names). Beyond parentification and the resource dilution, it was depressing to be pegged into a hole and really only existing in the context of my siblings. Like, who is the quiet one? the smart one? the funny one? the mean one? And why? My mother also homeschooled (very badly, and I had to reeducate myself later on life) and loved treating our household as a school where I was pitted against my siblings, and for what? A crumb of affection, a small slice of approval?

When we interacted with people, it was always as a group. I was one of the LastName kids and not my own person, sometimes things were manufactured for attention from our Church, like forcing us in matching outfits and making fun of us for hating it. I yearned for my own, chosen relationships. In college, I did an experiment where I didn’t tell people I had siblings. I remember being at a party with people I knew for several months, finally confronted with the question about what my family is like because it was still a mystery, „you’re one of FIVE?“ („yeah, they live far away, we call sometimes“)

As an adult, I get toxic comments about „missing the old [me]“ who was essentially a puppet. In my dating life, I had one experience with grooming (and several other encounters of attempted grooming) because the lack of my own identity made me a prime target for bad actors who wanted me to serve them.

This subreddit introduced me to the term „flying monkeys“ which I’m glad I found out about. Out of my siblings the one that I am closest to/call most often has a relationship with our mother (frustrating „but she’s our mom!“ reasoning) and I get nervous when calling her because the „are you gonna start visiting again?“ question might pop up. I’m not going to pretend it’s okay and can all be good again

I live with the anger that the first 20 years of my life were a lie. I started traveling and trying new hobbies and eating/wearing what I want, plus choosing my relationships, which are rights I should have had the entire time. I remember the horrifying statement „you have four siblings, you don’t NEED friends!“ I was so lonely, and everything the family decided was treated as fact. I wish my family forgot about me (like, saw me as an acquaintance to call sometimes, without demanding a specific relationship). I’m throwing myself a birthday bash kind of event next month, with mostly my work and college friends invited (it’ll be a bit of a mixed crowd because my weed dealer, some international exchange students and the plumber from my old job are also coming). I’ll be 23, and around the same time celebrating three years of estrangement. With all I have planned (I saved up for this, I’m paying, too)- I’m not letting anyone decide for me that I don’t deserve nice or luxury (and I’m still modest, all I’m getting myself is a table at a Greek place, a 120€ minidress to go with some shoes I already have, and Champagne). My childhood birthdays were a day for my younger siblings to eat ice cream and cake, it was never about me. There’s not a single solo picture of me in family albums - I have a suspicion that I always was the least liked child (though with one of my siblings it oscillated within love and hate, by that metric I was not the most hated, I was never really paid attention to).

I’m so glad that I chose myself. I’m proud of all I’ve accomplished on my own but I don’t romanticize independence. If I had a healthy family, there would have been no need for this hyperindependence, and I could have focused on other goals rather than an escape from my abusers. My family never tried to get to know me or let me decide anything for myself, and I wish they had the empathy to understand how much it hurt.

Anyways, happy Birthday to myself and all my Geminis !

They seemed to be like 19-20 and very attractive, cultural „normies”, both of them. Seemingly well-adjusted, social, pretty people who found each other. I was a mess at their age and at 23 I still am, I have little muscle mass just fat and skin stuck to my bones.

I have diagnosed BPD and identity issues, sometimes post in 4B or TwoX sub, but sometimes fantasize about an ideal relationship that is 99% likely never going to happen. Because I’m so high maintenance (is it even high standards, or are women not allowed to have preferences at all?) what I want is either singlehood or my perfect dream relationship, no settling, no in-between. I’ve realized it’s in my best interest to live my life single, especially since I’ve only felt exploited by men before.

I don’t want a relationship! I would just like the validation of being in one - of being CHOSEN and IMPORTANT. The feeling that I’m forgettable or only exist as someone other want to exploit is quite scary.