u/General_Teaching_155

We are both in our 30s. This is the second time he has cheated on me (f). This time he lied for a month straight. I asked him outright several times and he said no. I felt like something was off so i was asking if there had been anyone else. He told me no. We were intimate and I asked him before we were intimate because I could still feel like something was off. Shortly after that I found out through the girl he cheated with. She originally was vague about it and said he was trying to flirt and that she shut him down. I asked him he denied it. A couple weeks later I aksed her for more details. She gave me more details and I told him I had proof he denied it for 3 hours and told me I probably made it up. And then started accusing me of lying about random things. He finally admitted to it.

Then I found out more details that she had kept from me. And I called her out on those. I asked him to see their messages and they were deleted. So i aksed her. She sent me all of their messages.

But i asked him why hed lie. He said "i thought i was protecting you". I told him that lying to me is not protecting me its protecting himself from consequence and accountability. I also said by holding that narrative he is only causing more trauma and making it harder to heal.

I was still working on rebuilding trust from the first time of cheating in January. The second time happened in the middle of May and he didnt own up to it until the end of june.

I dont know how to recover and rebuild the relationship if he is continuing to say that he was trying to protect me by not telling me the truth.

TW!

So ive been in multiple abusive relationships throughout the years. This one really snuck up on me.

So back story about this relationship. In the beginning I told him what things I consider cheating. He kind of argued it. Which should have been my first red flag. But I missed that one. After more conversation about it he agreed that he wanted to be in the relationship and could agree to the things I said were cheating. A few months later I found out there was content he was following on social media that made me feel insecure. I was already worried about bringing it up because of my past abusive relationships and how they would get defensive. But I decided to have a conversation about it. He immediately got defensive. That should have been red flag number 2. Because defensive became his go to response with any concern I brought up. Fast forward to 11 months into our relationship. He lied about something and I said well now I dont know what else youre lying about. He said nothing. I asked if he cheated. He said yes. I almost left then. But I chose to try to work it out. But I told him he completely broke my trust and would have to earn it back. He put literally no effort into rebuilding trust. He became more defensive and actually angry (to the point of yelling and screaming at me). He would turn my pain into the problem. He would somehow turn himself into the victim because he didnt like that i was still hurting. I had asked for couples therapy repeatedly. And he kept saying no. Then anytime I brought up a concern or an emotion I was feeling he would tell me he needed space, and then break up with me for 12-36 hours before hed come back and say he wants to work on things. Fast forward a few more months. He asked why I dont trust him. I said because you havent done anything to make me feel like I can trust you. I also said I dont feel emotionally safe here. It turned into a huge fight. He broke up with me. But I had reached a point that I was over it. So I weaponized a harsh truth. (I can openly admit that I used it as a weapon and I shouldn't have said the harsh truth at that time). He chose to block me afterwards. Which was fine. I felt relieved. A few days later he unblocked me and said he wants to work on things. That lasted a couple of days because as soon as I tried to ask for accountability he got mad and said my anxiety is just too bad. Then he sent my child (under 10) a message that said "none of this is your fault. Your mom doesnt know how to be in a healthy relationship". I told him how inappropriate that is. He doesnt have kids of his own. I blocked him. He reached out on a free texting number. Again said he wanted to fix things and we got into an argument because he wouldn't take accountability again. This pattern repeated multiple times. He also tried to blame all of our issues on me having cptsd. And also tried to give me a diagnosis that isnt a real thing(i talked to my therapist about it). My ex knows all the therapy words and thinks hes an expert because hes googled a few things. But he cant apply therapy words to himself. So finally things seem like they were ok for a few days. I talked to a mutual friend and found out he had tried to sleep with her 2 days after the break up. She said no but didnt even realize we were broke up until he told her we were. I questioned him about it and he lied. When i said I had proof he doubled down and then actually acused me of lying and creating stories to paint him as this bad person. And then said that ive been lying to everyone about who he is. After a few hours of back and forth he fessed up. I said "im done here i dont want to be with someone that tries to be with someone else and then the very next day says they want to fix things with me. I blocked him. (This was on fathers day). The next day he texted me from another free texting app. I honestly didnt read most of it because it was super long and was the same kind of blaming me nonsense. At the end he sent a picture of a list of abusive things. All of the things he said I was doing to him were actually all things hes done to me. Things like gaslighting, manipulation etc. So I didnt respond. I just blocked. Then Tuesday he sent me a message from another number saying to leave his friends and family alone and that I isolated him from everyone. (Which makes no sense) but I said to leave me alone. And blocked him on that number. Immediately he sends me a message from another number (this is number 6 at this point) I told him he was harassing me and I would go to the police.

So now he is telling people im abusive and crazy and unstable. This is the part I hate the most. I mean I hate all the emotional abuse tactics but I hate being painted to be exactly who he truly is. We have another mutual friend, I met her way before I met him and i think she sees me as this crazy unstable person and it honestly sucks more to lose that friendship that it does to get away from the abuser.

I have made it very clear I want no contact with my ex. I blocked their number. I blocked the secondary numbers they had been contacting me on. Its so frustrating to get a text message from yet another random number and it be my ex. Im not responding. Also im blocking. How many more random numbers are they going to text or call me on?! At what point do they get the picture?

A few months ago my boyfriend cheated on me. I wanted to leave. We talked about it. he said he didnt think it was cheating. Something in me agreed to stay and work on things. I told him he completely betrayed my trust and would have to earn it back. Since then I have needed extra reassurance and have felt like different things are threats. When I bring those things up to him, instead of understanding why, he would get angry and defensive. I said theres things I need from him in order to be able to trust him again. And one of those things is emotional safety when I bring up an issue. Theres a few other things I need to feel secure. Hes mad that I dont trust him yet. And said that hes confused why I would stay if I dont trust him. And then said that loving me should be enough proof and effort for me to trust him.

All my alarm bells are going off.

Everything in my head is telling me this will never be a safe man. But some stupid thing in my heart is saying "but what about the man he was in the beginning where is that man?"