u/Glass-Garbage-3196

Myabe i wasn't good for you or anyone, time does flies and you still dont notice me. i've tried so many ways to get you off my mind but it seems like i get stuck every time, i don't feel enough for no one. I started writing music to cop but it just doesn't get any attention nor i care for but maybe i could've played a good part in someone else's life. I wanna start over, im tired of these strange thoughts that i deal with daily. Must i keep trying but every time i do, I just dont think i can continue this repeat even from waking up. I wanna not wake up and keep dreaming because im done seeing and dealing with every day routine, wake up and look at myself in the mirror no matter how pretty i could look it still doesn't mean anything or anyone that i think. Even if i did mattered in someone else's life im not fully understandable towards there own input on me, its a tease most of the time and it just discuses me and i try my best to keep away. I dont know where to run to or who i can speak towards other than myself as a reminder in a song, i just keep trying really i just wanna throw my whole identity away. I've done this so many times facing my illness like packing my bags from family i stayed with and faced the streets pondering as i let go of everything i have. I've called this a panic attack over the 4 years i've continued to do this to myself. Drugs wouldn't be able to caused this since its a self controlled substance but my thoughts to get away from everything and everyone that i attend to grudge and feel heartbroken about situations i could've over came but end up lost and self aware of my own thoughts. I dont think anyone would understand this it maybe stupid to just give everything up that anyone would work so hard for but i have and im only 24 experiencing being actually naked no id, phone, clothes even sometimes walking i give up my shoes. i dont know the cause on why i do this but i just dont feel anything is worth of having like i even tired jumping in the manhattan lake and was troubled by some kids that panicked i was going to die but instead i climbed a boat just to feel that freedom before i planned to go. idk anymore these thoughts must go.......

I started advance band in 8th grade for the first time and someone started to play guitar while me being light skin n pretty it was like im expected to be already talented and wasn't kept serious. Some other female started sing after and everyone looked at her like they were shocked i just felt so embarrassed like how was i expected to sing again after that i ended up just becoming silent and nobody knew me but everyone knew her and how she sounded like. It reminds me how viral musicians are and it makes me feel missed out.

I had to realize that i was suffering from a illness that i attend to not be taken serious, I didnt take any medication for it in years and it caught up to me when i was 20 i didnt know what was wrong with me but i just wanted distance from everyone i felt weird like i wasnt supposed to be around anyone or here in the world im very smart i love reading books and making music. Once i find a interesting topic i start looking more into it and non stop wanting to know more about a story, crime or listening to music which helps my depression. im 24 now and having to be hospitalized several times and attending to rehab and institutions over the pass i started to accept that i have schizophrenia and i will always feel alone with this illness nor i meant anyone with the same mental health im really wanting to learn more about my issue and others stores. I never mentioned to anyone but i have panic attacks instead of seeing thinks or hearing, i make up future events and wanting to be in love with someone who hasn't notice me yet like a famous person and believe that im theres and having to walk non stop finding trouble. its very scary at times cause these pass events can occur anytime and id be right on the news yk. i really wanna hear other stories so i can learn to treat it.

I watched the beautiful boy yesterday night around 11pm, The movie with Timothee Chalamet and Steve Carell. I didn't find myself crying for some reason more like relating so much towards the actor Timothee Chalamet how his addiction and his relationship with his father evolved over time consuming crystal meth**.** Well Steve Carell is playing the role as Timothee Chalamet father, I compared the similarities with my life from carelessly walking in n out the parent life to unaware survival to homelessness at 18 years old. I was very unaware from every drug that i have took to escape my depression as I attended to isolate myself from my own illness and the difference i was to believed when growing up from kids in school and my classes n credit. I was never in stabled situation at one school or state, I always moved and it sucked over time it worsen my education and unfortunately I didnt graduate. However I didnt give up even with having 12 credits as a senior, moving from fl to nyc, I took the opportunity to just find a job bc i didnt feel okay with being 18 - 20 in hs it made me feel so weird being around kids younger than me so i attempt to penn foster hs online paying for my diploma as a package handler at ups. I didnt want to attend to trade school for some reason even if it was free i didnt know how to get into it, Didn't have no support even was lost from the internet. I just thought that having hs diploma weight more than a trade school diploma as well as i isolated myself over time from my family, my mother found a new partner that didn't know me only from what my mother tells him since i didnt come out the room. I began a habit with smoking as i attend to work to pay off my school debt well not giving up on myself. I took the bus or ubered with whatever money i had to get to work ubering even if i was late, ive done this everyday and didnt have a problem with it. Until I started to save for a car as well i attended to get tired of taking the bus or paying for ubers too and wanted my mother to help me lease my first car at 18 as she took her bf to the city for work and back everyday well since she meant him honestly. I realized that our relationship wasn't close anymore, we grew apart overtime as I isolated myself for 2 years and begin to argue with my mother which made me move away from her and dissociate from the kids. My mother never checked on me during my habit of barricading myself in a room, I just felt more alone then drugs was the only thing i ran too to escape the feeling of emptiness escaping me from pass trauma or chronic anxiety and heart broken. One day changed, Me and my mother had a argument that went to extreme something went from the top of my head "you support your bf more than your own son, bring him to work everyday 7 hours away a day driving back and forth and couldnt bring me to work that was 20 mins away" I found myself having so much anger, i just sat myself at the dining room as my mother cooked breakfast for her bf screaming at the top of her lungs "im not helping you with shit" i sat silent then her bf came out of no where and attacked me. I knew i had to go to work and this man harmed me as well that hes a registered offender, i had nothing but a small pocket knife and waited until he stopped attacking me to have my chance. I stood up holding the little knife i had in surprise he was he ran into the kitchen and grab a big knife, i was fed up i walked away and yelled at my mother upset going to my own space. i couldnt let go i ran up stairs and started to attack the man when i knew id have a chance since the knifes where put down, i was beat up pretty bad i wasnt going to back down. Ended up giving in hits and getting away from him committed to get rid of him i called the cops and arrest him as my mother cried and said that i was the abuser. I felt betrayed I didnt know who my mother was anymore, i was quick to contact someone i called the cops then found a girl that supported my social media and started a relationship with the girl who took me from the broken house to another state. Since then drugs started to evolve I started to have trouble paying my hs diploma staying with the supporter, She became my partner at the time 6 months in. I started to miss my family and decided to move back, i ended up losing my relationship losing trust because i couldn't trust my family when it came with having her around. Me and her begin to argue then i suddenly didnt believe what she was telling me and slapped her, she ran up stares looking for my mother as i chased her begging her to stop and was sorry because i knew she was scared leaving her own home to another broken home. i knew that the only person who really loved me i hurt, from the sacrifice of us leaving from broken home to home her sister noticed it and brought to our attention while staying with my partners sister studio apartment during the 6 months i wasnt realize it because i had a opportunity working in ny at ups. I wish i could go back, i felt lost for 4 months living with my mother going back to same routine not talking to anyone but started to read the bible more, then working clicked back i knew i had to finish what i wanted for for myself. Warehouse i worked back before i moved accepted me back then i applied myself to retail and amazon working 3 jobs at the same time at 19 years old. Making 1100 a week i reached to get myself a car not bothering anyone in the house and stayed to myself my mother wanted to back to fl. I knew the next step was to get the car registered under my name after i gotten my perm and have plates on the car before my mother moved. My mother rushed the move having me put her old plate on my 07 charger srt, and began to leave me with my disabled uncle expecting me to stay at the crip her lease wasn't going to end until the end of the month. I had troubles with the car i bought and had to fix the minor issues i had to pay, i got myself a new battery getting it checked out I was missing fues. I put the plate on and oil changed my car before i left and gotten there before my mother 4 hours yearly. yeah she was shocked but i knew that this was going to bring me trouble my mother had me sleep on the couch i didnt have a room anymore. i just didnt think i was apart of the family the kids started being disrespectful and i realized that i couldnt get enough to get my hs i left the jobs i had to stay with my family. It was the worst thing i did and i regret so much stuff over time my illness was tarring me apart getting worse, i just wasnt okay and threw myself to homlessness because of the fights in my mothers home with the kids and my car was messed with going to my grandparents i couldnt trust anymore dong the same thang again with some other girl. My car ended up getting towed being at the residence area with my mothers plate on the car and no residence sticker i wasnt allowed to park in fl which got me that morning. i didnt know what to do and i didnt have no one to help the girl i ended staying over for the night even when i told her i didnt wanna sleep in her home my car ended up being towed. She ended up telling me i couldnt be at her apartment and how the apartment isnt in her moms name, only in her bf name while having another apartment. i ended up sleeping on the streets havng a hard time i was happy i had a phone at the time bc i recorded everything and started to make money off my phone from pass old friends i moved away from. i needed to get the car registered under my name to get my car out the the lot, whille sleeping on the pavement i ended up speaking to some lady at the gas station and getting a job. i even slept behind the store just so i could work the next day, i ended up getting hungry not having enough food for the week carrying my book bag around in 90 degree weather those who stay in fl know how hot it is lol. I managed to cover $500 that week before getting my check at the gas station next week but lost myself bc of my illness, i wasnt doing so good again and not eating i went to the hospital for a week got out. I managed to get 700 and paying for my plate and registrations then having to pay 400 to get my car out the lot it was alot of stress. I lost myself many times after the hospital moving back in with my mother i just told my mother to leave me in the streets that it was better for me, until this day she doesnt know what had took place even having to fight for my stuff that was left at the girl house and dealing with her mothers bf putting a gun in my face at age of 19. Im 24 now but i ended up losing my 07 charger staying with a friend doing the same thang all over again reaching for someone for the help or a place to stay when i couldve just went to the shelter. I ended up leaving and staying in ga ive been doing the same cycle for 5 years and drugs is just getting worse and my illness has been leading me to do very dangerous activities now and its not my fault i have chronic schizophrenia ......... im supposed to be jailed rn, i ended up stealing from stores and now im stealing cars i just was involved in a case in bronx last year august also homelessness in the city of Manhattan . Shockingly i haven't been found but those who read this......Don't give up on yourself and take care of yourself, i try my best to make music now to escape my habits of losing myself its very scary at anytime i can have hallucination and be delusions, cognitive impairment from reality........... anyone who is facing a illness or drug control, you got this !!