u/Glass_Virus5000

I never worked a day in my life (well, made a whole 5$ for helping someone) and don't receive neetbux.

I applied for jobs in maintenance and funeral jobs before but I think I wasn't what they're looking for. I want to apply again for maintenance or night stocking jobs now that I'm older, and after I get some things in order.

Earlier this year I started thinking I need to do something about my general health. I go out once in a while, started exercising (increasing the duration and making it daily habit), limited my screen time - instead of spending the whole day on the internet, today I waited until the evening - I tried quitting it all at once but my brain can't function without it at this point. I don't know where I'm headed and only focus on what's in front of me - otherwise, I start thinking my future is doomed no matter what and whether I find a job or not (negative thinking) and resorting to distractions again.

For example I say something, may be personal or not, (draw attention, think I've done something imperfect etc.) and feel guilty, have the urge to hide myself, delete it, make everyone forget, anticipate prosecution from unexpected sources and harsh/unfair judgement.

Whenever I mention I have it, it serves as an explanation to every single of my problems.

Ah, so you can't do literally anything, it's normal for 70% others like you/us. I made up that number and also think it's not true and others are doing far better than me (many of them).

It also makes other mental issues worse, because I can't talk about them like NTs do (or NDs with more self-awareness than me). I'm socially isolated and all of these fun things that come with it.

It's untreatable and makes me think there's only one way out of it. Before getting diagnosed I had more hope. Now I know there's nothing I can do about it and it's like a life sentence. I'll probably end like my uncle who had no life like me and never left his home.

Asking someone questions shows interest in them, but asking too much makes it sound like interrogation. This looks simple on paper, but I never got familiar enough with anyone to ask about their private lives and not make it creepy. When someone talks about sports (like many people I met in a game chat), I would follow up and make a comment about it, if I knew anything about sports, but I don't. Why people assume everyone knows about this stuff? Some topics are just deemed safe to talk about and a common knowledge. I never even know if my local teams are winning. I watch others get along with each other and start calling me silent. Sometimes I think I'm just uncreative, because others always seem to have answers to everything.

I never "got along" with anyone and nobody ever liked me as a person (wanting to spend time or talk just because they wanted to, not out of obligation or with some hidden "malicious" motive).

A therapist in the past asked me this each visit and my first thoughts would be asking specifying questions ("about what?") then looking for physical sensations in the body, but after not finding anything that stood out and thinking asking questions would be rude, there was a long silence and I ended up saying nothing.

I'm misunderstood the most when I'm using humour and try to express empathy towards someone, trying to avoid those entirely.

When I was diagnosed with Asperger's (under ICD-10) it was alternatively called "high-functioning form of autism", I didn't feel high-functioning.

My most severe symptom was partial mutism along with inhibition/freeze (so I'd appear unaware of my surroundings and some thought I was, I'd just get stiff to a point I couldn't move without pain), but it mostly affected my personal matters, as long as I did my part in school no one cared.

I think I should try to get a job, but I retreated from society long ago and every interaction like a phone call is extremely awkward. It's difficult to make sounds and I get always told to speak up or repeat myself. I don't want the severe symptoms to return and to be bullied for it.

One day I remembered, that in the past I used to have racing thoughts, sometimes I'd stop whatever I was doing and observe them.

Nowadays my mind is quiet unless I "talk" to myself. Is it what happens to some of us as a side effect of hikidom?

I'm self aware enough to know I have a strange way of communicating/thinking, but not smart enough to come up with a better alternative. I've been self-isolating/hiding for years as a lesser evil (opposed to being bullied on daily basis) and every time I try to socialize or exist in society I'm reminded how weird and rude, and out of place I am. It's not the same as looking for a purpose in life, sometimes I really wonder why society didn't put me down already, pretend everyone is equal but does that other thing instead that says otherwise etc. etc., what is their agenda. I never had a job, because of all the mental issues caused by Asperger's and how people treated me because of it (the partial mutism in particular, I feel bad for people who actually can't speak or communicate without help), I'm useless and even for volunteering I should have social skills/no social anxiety, at least the latter is treatable and social skills/theory of mind are largely genetic.