u/Glittering-Berry-497

Hi, guys! I've (27F) had a best friend (30F) for the past fourteen-and-a-half years. Like many friendships of this length, we typically ebb and flow with our level of closeness (depending on how busy our lives get) and we've never really had an "argument". I've had productive arguments with other close friends of mine, but never here for some reason.

We're in a pretty close season right now and have been for the past year or so. I love those plans. I always come out of them with my mouth and ribs hurting from laughing so hard, and she is so fiercely protective that I wind up feeling extremely supported. And from what she's told me, she feels listened to and whenever she's down on energy, I can always throw some of mine her way, and she'll feel better. But the main thing that sort of bothers me is how unreliable things can be here. Sometimes, we'll make plans and she'll be a no-show and come up with a weird excuse after the fact. Sometimes, we'll make plans and she'll come late and leave early. The latter happened yesterday and I've been thinking about it a little bit. I have a chronic illness, so I feel like I have to work up the energy and the resources to leave my house, even sometimes move my body at all (if it's a day when I'm feeling like the Tin Man) or talk if it's on FaceTime, etc. I know part of the issue is me. Whenever she and I make plans, I really look forward to them, like I get my hopes up, to a degree. That's an issue I've had since I was young. And that makes it all the more painful when those hopes are dashed, but that's a me problem. I've attempted making other backup plans orrrr even making other major plans with just myself and mentalizing these plans as a backup, but I always wind up spending those times in those individual plans thinking about how I was supposed to be doing X or Y.

She's had a rough go of things lately, so I want to be gentle to her. Some of her other close friends haven't really been kind to her in the past year for reasons unrelated to her. But at the same time, I've also had a rough go of things lately (friends, work, chronic illness), and though I love my time with her, I don't always love how the time surrounding it makes me feel. Anyone who's been in this boat before? Because it's not a big deal, by any means, but I don't really know what to do.

Hi, guys. So I sometimes look at closure discussions here and obviously, since none of us can really get closure from our avoidants, the advice turns to "return to Self", "explore Self". I completely get it. And at the same time, I'm wondering how to accomplish closure if you never left yourself the whole time.

For context, that blindsiding discard six months ago was the first time something like that had happened inside this connection. My relationship before this one was verbally abusive, so when this one was starting, I made a pact with myself to not abandon myself at any point in any way. Really unfortunate timing, I know. So I was 100% myself inside of it and I was intentional about that, even down to individual hobbies I had. Even to the point of conflict. I vocalized things that bothered me and though we did sometimes have disagreements throughout three or four years, we never really went through the same thing twice. So by the time the blindsiding discard came about (I vocalized things that bothered me, apparently they had one gripe from months ago they never put into words, but it honestly was framed like a deactivation justification after the fact), I was shocked at the switch. This person told me at the very beginning they were working with a therapist on healing their Fearful Avoidant attachment and earning security, so I should've seen the signs, but as a FA myself working on security, I was like, "cool, we're on the same page, I can be honest about my struggles with this too".

So I guess all of this to say if you didn't abandon yourself, if the discard just sort of happened out of the blue, is there a way to find closure?

Hi, guys. I posted here a while ago about how I wanted to move past my anger and wish my ex-friend the best. You guys gave me some lovely advice. It'll be six months in two weeks since my friendship with my best friend who was like a sister to me ended. All my life, I longed for someone with similar interests, similar worldviews, a similar range of depth, someone who understood me inside and out. I thought I found it. Then I lost it through a discard that sounded more like she was leaving a summer camp than leaving a years-long mutually close friendship. I would've jumped in front of danger for her. In the previous post, I mentioned social climbing as a factor. Another factor my therapist helped me realize, though there was a previous sense of like "oh, I'm never gonna find love, blah blah blah", once she did enter a relationship, she became super hyper-focused on him and stopped letting me in and I basically became irrelevant, since the needs I was filling (support, deep companionship, fun, a shoulder to lean on) became filled by him. I don't really have a one-track mind, so I don't quite understand it, but to each their own.

One thing I learned when I was embracing my own anger about the situation with my therapist is underneath it all, I'm just fucking sad. I'm miserable, man. Misery barely covers it, honestly. All my life I longed for something like what this was before the end. Before this friendship (and even to an extent after), because I'm a very bubbly person, I was subconsciously put into a role by multiple friends of "cheerleader". Like, "if I'm feeling sad, I'll just go to Glittering-Berry to feel better." And I felt like a drag queen or like an object. And beyond that, I have some things that I feel like I can't really tell people about me. I feel like the loudest people in the room make things really hard. And I have interests that are a bit rarer to find. Not full-on niche, we're not talking 1100s French war history or anything (if this is your thing, know that I'm riding for you), but rarer to find, absolutely. This was the first friendship where for the first time in my life, I didn't feel any of that. I thought God or The Universe or someone or something decided to throw me a bone, and then for it to end the way it did... The last time I saw her months ago, she was super thrilled. That brings up some hard, complicated feelings in me, but mostly because I feel the exact opposite and have since it ended. I've been crying on-and-off for months. Please tell me it gets better than this. I'm 27 and I'd like to enjoy the rest of my life, if I can help it. Thank so much, you all. I'm really rooting for all of you.

Hi, guys! I (27F) am a former ghostwriter turned aspiring author. My long-time bestie from another continent (29F) is just getting back into the swing of writing after years away. This period in our lives is so weird. People are all over the place. Some are in long-term relationships, some are married, some have children, some (like myself) are very happily committed to both Ben and Jerry. But no matter where you're at in life, we all deserve a place to support our dreams and goals! That's where this group comes in.

• Genre/s: Any and every genre is fine! So my friend tends to stick to the fantasy space, and though my previous ghostwriting did take a sledgehammer to my own tastes, I guess you could say I'm in the romance space? Historical space? Somewhat women's fiction saga-ish? Question mark? In any case, any genre you write in is definitely accepted!
• Goals/expectations/commitment: Any goal is fine! This is just a space for us to really help each other push towards whatever goal we have. You don't have to post any set amount of times in the server. This group is for you and your writing journey! My personal goal is to have the first two drafts of a book finished by December, but that absolutely doesn't have to be yours! So long as you have a vision in mind, you're golden!
• Writing/experience level: Any level of experience, so long as you have goals in mind you'd like to reach, whether that's finishing a book for mass market or just to cross something off your bucket list!
• Meeting place: Discord!
• Max size: We're capping at 20!

If you'd like to join, just leave a comment. Thank you so much!