u/Grr-Bear

For the past few months, my best friend “Lisa” (18F) has been having major issues with her boyfriend “Erik” (18M). Erik was the lead in our school play and became very close with another girl in the cast, “Avena” (17F). At first, Lisa tried to be understanding because obviously acting requires chemistry, rehearsals, and even stage kisses. The issue started when Erik began texting Avena constantly outside of rehearsal and hiding parts of it from Lisa.

When Lisa eventually saw some of the messages, she felt they were flirty. Things like him talking about wanting to do future roles with her, going out to lunch together, complimenting her constantly, and generally giving her way more attention than Lisa was comfortable with. Erik would apologize and promise to pull back, but then Lisa would find out he was still texting her or minimizing things that had happened. This cycle repeated over and over.

Throughout all of this, Lisa kept coming to me for advice because I’m her best friend, but Erik was also my friend. I tried really hard to stay neutral and not immediately jump to “break up with him.” I encouraged communication, boundaries, honesty, and compromise. I even defended Erik at times because he does have a naturally friendly/flirty personality and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But things kept escalating. Lisa went to all of Erik’s performances, including sitting through multiple on-stage kisses that clearly upset her. There were also multiple incidents where Erik would tell her one thing and then she’d later discover he left out details or wasn’t fully truthful about interactions with Avena. Eventually Lisa asked him to fully cut contact with Avena after the play ended because the situation was destroying her trust and self-esteem.

What worries me most is how much this relationship has started affecting Lisa emotionally. She started saying things like it was her “job” to make Erik happy and that she felt selfish for putting her own feelings first. She constantly questioned whether she was overreacting even after Erik repeatedly broke promises. Watching my best friend slowly lose confidence in herself over this honestly hurt to watch.

Then came the incident that really changed how I viewed everything.

There was a choir concert one night. I originally planned on going but didn’t end up attending. During the concert, one of my friends who vaguely knew about the situation texted me saying she thought she saw something unfortunate. She told me Erik and Avena had been talking alone together for at least 25 minutes after the concert ended.

I called Lisa and told her what I had heard because I felt like she deserved to know. She immediately broke down crying because she had literally just gotten off the phone with Erik. He had told her he was mainly there supporting another friend and made it sound like nothing important happened. She said something in her gut told her to ask him how the concert went, and he never mentioned talking to Avena alone afterward.

When she confronted him, he denied it at first before finally admitting they had talked. Lisa kept repeating that she had already told him if something like this happened again she would probably break up with him. She was devastated and spiraling about how awful the whole situation made her feel.

That night Erik showed up at her house with flowers and chocolate apologizing again, while also texting me saying he knew he messed up and didn’t deserve her. At that point I realized I genuinely could not stay friends with him anymore because I was exhausted watching the same cycle happen over and over while my best friend got hurt every single time.

At this point, I finally told Lisa that I personally don’t think this relationship is healthy for her anymore. Erik now thinks I’m influencing Lisa too much and pushing her toward breaking up with him.

The thing is, that genuinely isn’t my goal. I don’t want control over her relationship or her decisions. I’ve tried very hard to just support her, validate her feelings, and help her think through things logically. But at the same time, I also don’t feel right staying silent while someone I care about is constantly hurting and second-guessing her worth.

So I guess my question is: how do I balance being supportive without overstepping? At what point does honest advice become interfering in someone else’s relationship?

For the past few months, my best friend “Lisa” (18F) has been having major issues with her boyfriend “Erik” (18M). Erik was the lead in our school play and became very close with another girl in the cast, “Avena” (17F). At first, Lisa tried to be understanding because obviously acting requires chemistry, rehearsals, and even stage kisses. The issue started when Erik began texting Avena constantly outside of rehearsal and hiding parts of it from Lisa.

When Lisa eventually saw some of the messages, she felt they were flirty. Things like him talking about wanting to do future roles with her, going out to lunch together, complimenting her constantly, and generally giving her way more attention than Lisa was comfortable with. Erik would apologize and promise to pull back, but then Lisa would find out he was still texting her or minimizing things that had happened. This cycle repeated over and over.

Throughout all of this, Lisa kept coming to me for advice because I’m her best friend, but Erik was also my friend. I tried really hard to stay neutral and not immediately jump to “break up with him.” I encouraged communication, boundaries, honesty, and compromise. I even defended Erik at times because he does have a naturally friendly/flirty personality and I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.

But things kept escalating. Lisa went to all of Erik’s performances, including sitting through multiple on-stage kisses that clearly upset her. There were also multiple incidents where Erik would tell her one thing and then she’d later discover he left out details or wasn’t fully truthful about interactions with Avena. Eventually Lisa asked him to fully cut contact with Avena after the play ended because the situation was destroying her trust and self-esteem.

What worries me most is how much this relationship has started affecting Lisa emotionally. She started saying things like it was her “job” to make Erik happy and that she felt selfish for putting her own feelings first. She constantly questioned whether she was overreacting even after Erik repeatedly broke promises. Watching my best friend slowly lose confidence in herself over this honestly hurt to watch.

Then came the incident that really changed how I viewed everything.

There was a choir concert one night. I originally planned on going but didn’t end up attending. During the concert, one of my friends who vaguely knew about the situation texted me saying she thought she saw something unfortunate. She told me Erik and Avena had been talking alone together for at least 25 minutes after the concert ended.

I called Lisa and told her what I had heard because I felt like she deserved to know. She immediately broke down crying because she had literally just gotten off the phone with Erik. He had told her he was mainly there supporting another friend and made it sound like nothing important happened. She said something in her gut told her to ask him how the concert went, and he never mentioned talking to Avena alone afterward.

When she confronted him, he denied it at first before finally admitting they had talked. Lisa kept repeating that she had already told him if something like this happened again she would probably break up with him. She was devastated and spiraling about how awful the whole situation made her feel.

That night Erik showed up at her house with flowers and chocolate apologizing again, while also texting me saying he knew he messed up and didn’t deserve her. At that point I realized I genuinely could not stay friends with him anymore because I was exhausted watching the same cycle happen over and over while my best friend got hurt every single time.

At this point, I finally told Lisa that I personally don’t think this relationship is healthy for her anymore. Erik now thinks I’m influencing Lisa too much and pushing her toward breaking up with him.

The thing is, that genuinely isn’t my goal. I don’t want control over her relationship or her decisions. I’ve tried very hard to just support her, validate her feelings, and help her think through things logically. But at the same time, I also don’t feel right staying silent while someone I care about is constantly hurting and second-guessing her worth.

So I guess my question is: how do I balance being supportive without overstepping? At what point does honest advice become interfering in someone else’s relationship?